Chapter Three - Broken Trust
When Naruto opened his eyes, he was lying on his bed, his hands on his stomach, a damp, fresh cloth on his forehead. The window was open, and the soft smell of summer was coming through, along with a slight breeze and the shining rays of a bright sun. The birds were singing, and Naruto could hear children laugh in the distance.
Why did his heart felt so heavy?
Why did he have the impression that he had just spent the night turning and returning, trying to escape from a terrible reality?
"Naruto?" a soft, familiar voice asked beside him.
Naruto turned his head, and his eyes met the mismatched, tired and worried ones of his former sensei. Kakashi wore a sleeveless shirt which enhanced the lines of his chest and abs muscles. Without his forehead protector, his beautiful, messy hair was falling around his face like a silver mane, running down his swanlike neck and underlining his angular jaw. Naruto could tell the man had hardly slept, and he had certainly spent the night torturing his hair with his hands.
They looked at each other, and the sadness and concern Naruto saw in the older eyes woke the terrible pain Naruto had desperately tried to forget. He brought a hand to his heart as he felt it shrink and shrivel up to the size of a nut into his chest.
Jiraiya fell.
"No...Oh God, no..." Naruto whispered, hiding his face into his hands.
The abyss that had opened in Naruto's chest was terrifying. The blonde suddenly found it hard to breathe, as though he was slowly dragged down underwater. He had to resist. He had to find something to prevent the pain from swallowing him whole. He clutched his shirt and tried to calm his breathing down, to repel the screams howling in the chasm that tore his heart apart.
That was when Kakashi came to sit beside him and reached for his hair, caressing it tenderly.
"Shhh, I'm here, Naruto."
Yet instead of the kind, soothing words, Naruto remembered the same characteristic voice saying something completely different.
Naruto, stop this.
The harsh words, admonishing him as though he was nothing more than an annoying, overreacting child. The hard, steel words when they should have been words of comfort coming from that man he loved and admired, that man that had become so close to the best friend he had ever had.
What a joke...
Naruto winced under the wave of anger that flooded his heart like liquid fire, and he repelled Kakashi's hand. The Copy Ninja's eyes tinted with hurt..
"Naruto I..."
"Uruse..." Naruto whispered.
He clenched his eyes shut, his face contorted in pain, tears burning under his eyelids.
I won't cry. I won't cry.
Kakashi felt Naruto's despair and his heart filled with a powerful surge of unconditional love and tenderness, as though he would die if he didn't get that devastated boy into his arms right here, right now.
"Oh, Naruto, come here..." he exhaled, sitting on the bed and attempting to pull Naruto into his chest.
Yet Naruto had a violent, repulsive move. He pressed his back against the wall and raised his hand towards Kakashi, hiding his tears and glaring daggers at him.
"Don't you touch me."
His voice was full of such contempt and coldness that Kakashi felt like he had just been stabbed right in the heart.
Damn it...What I feared the most is actually happening.
After taking Naruto from the Hokage's tower, he had brought him to the boy's apartment as he had been ordered. There he had sit on his bed with the blonde on his lap, and he had held him tightly, tenderly, whispering in his hair.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry Naruto...I'm so sorry..."
Naruto had remained completely still against his chest, and Kakashi had spent a very long time hugging him, apologizing, just focusing on the feeling of Naruto's head pressed against his chest, of his lean frame enfolded safely in his arms. He had felt an incredible urge to protect that boy against that alienating pain he knew so well, the pain of losing a loved one. While he had rocked the young man against him, Kakashi had sworn he would do everything in his power to help Naruto through that ordeal.
Yet he had truly feared he had lost Naruto's trust. The blonde now believed he was involved in Jiraiya's death, and the pain was twisting his mind enough to have him believe that their friendship was fake and that beneath it, Kakashi had always thought poorly of him.
How wrong he was...
Along the years, Kakashi had come closer and closer to the loud, unpredictable boy. Naruto had succeeded in touching his heart like no one ever had, with his simplicity and his extraordinary capacity to love even the people who had hurt him and ignored him for years. In addition to becoming more talented and stronger every day, reminding Kakashi so much of his sensei, Naruto was like a ball of light and warmth. Nothing could ever destroy his will, and even when he was down and sad, he would do his best to get up and smile, just to encourage the others.
Kakashi had often noticed how he concealed the pain of losing Sasuke behind a shining smile and the everlasting promise that he would bring him back. He had often observed him as he was comforting Sakura. The tenderness and devotion he had displayed in those moments, just hugging Sakura tight to him, not saying a word, his usually bright and happy face concentrated on taking Sakura's pain into his heart had reminded Kakashi of old, warm feelings he had been burying deep into his lonely heart for years.
Actually, Kakashi could say that Naruto had been a better sensei to him than Kakashi could have ever been. He had taught him so simple, yet so important things he had forgotten despite Gai's tenacious, relentless, exhausting efforts. Naruto had reminded him the soft, serene happiness of laughing with a friend, of hugging and being hugged. It had actually taken a certain amount of time until Kakashi had felt comfortable with Naruto's untimely and overwhelming hugs, but then he had come to realize how much he had missed that kind of physical contact. Little by little, he had also realized that he actually had a lot of love to give, and slowly, progressively, he had opened himself not only to Naruto but also to Sakura.
He had smiled sadly when he had remembered a scene that had occurred two years ago, as Naruto had left to train with Jiraiya, effectively bringing Kakashi and Sakura closer together. One day, as he was coming back from the memorial when he had spotted the pink haired girl sitting by the river, alone. She seemed sad and lost in her thoughts, and Kakashi had frowned, before slowly heading towards her. He had come to sit down next to her, silently. Sakura hadn't said a thing for a long time, until Kakashi had finally, awkwardly asked her something he had never, ever asked anyone.
"Do...Do you want a hug, Sakura?"
He had blushed, and lowered his eyes slightly, playing with a twig in the grass, and when Sakura hadn't answered, he had slowly raised his eyes and there his heart had missed a beat when he had seen that Sakura was looking at him with her green eyes full of tears, and an expression of incredible love and gratitude on her face.
"Oh, sensei...!" she had gasped before throwing herself against his chest, with such strength he almost fell backwards.
She had started sobbing and shaking like a leaf, covering his chest with tears and snot, and for a moment there, Kakashi had been completely frozen, not knowing what to do. Then progressively, his heart had filled with an indestructible will to protect that girl he knew so well. Slowly, gently, his arms had wrapped themselves around her thin shoulders. It had felt awkward at first. It had been such a long time he had actually hugged someone close. Slowly, gently, the deep friendship he felt for Sakura had lowered his defenses, and he had held her tighter, closer. His moves had become more and more natural, and he had ended up rocking her with a hand caressing her soft hair, pressing her face further into his chest, shushing her softly and whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
Kakashi had been thinking for a long time while hugging a sleeping Naruto to his chest, smiling softly at the recall of these tender scenes. Yes, Naruto had truly opened his heart and made him a better, more attentive man. Yet he still had his weaknesses and his demons, and he remained a human capable of making mistakes.
As the night had come by, Kakashi had finally laid Naruto down under his sheets and remained by his side, stroking his hair and soothing his agitated sleep. All night long, he had prayed for Naruto to recover his spirits on the morning. He had prayed Naruto would realize how wrong he had been, and that Kakashi had just been trying to prevent him from falling into Kyuubi's claws. He had hoped he would be able to redeem himself by pulling Naruto into his embrace and let him cry inside his chest while swearing him that he truly loved him, that he was there and that he would help him through this.
Yet now that Naruto was giving him a cold, death stare, now that he was confronted with that angry, betrayed look he would never have thought to find into his former student's eyes, let alone addressed to him, Kakashi understood that what he had feared the most had indeed happened.
He had broken something.
"Naruto chan..." He exhaled, desperate, reaching out his arms to the blonde who kept cowering up against the wall.
"Don't you freaking Naruto chan me, Naruto seethed, baring his teeth. You freaking hypocrite."
"I'm so sorry, Naruto, this was all a huge misunderstanding." Kakashi whispered, his eyes pleading.
"I don't give a shit about your excuses. That's way too easy. Get out of my home."
The voice was harsh, cold and demanding. Again, Kakashi vaguely noticed that there was no more "ttebayo".
"Naruto please don't do that." Kakashi implored, his deep voice full of a love Naruto couldn't hear anymore.
"I said get out."
"Don't shut me away from you. Please." Kakashi insisted.
Yet Naruto wouldn't hear anything.
"Fine, if you won't leave then I will." The blonde spat.
"Naruto wait!"
"Go to Hell!" Naruto screamed.
Before Kakashi had time to react, Naruto backflipped through the open window. Kakashi climbed on the bed.
"Naruto!" He screamed out of the window, watching as Naruto's lean silhouette was jumping over the rooftops without ever turning back.
"Kuso..." he swore, pulling on his hair with his hands.
When he raised his eyes again, the blonde had disappeared in the distance, and that was when Kakashi truly grasped the consequences of his unfortunate choice of words and more generally the consequences of his old, cursed habit of never showing his emotions.
He had broken Naruto's trust, and now he had to win it back.
Well don't stay here rooted like a fucking eggplant, go after him, he admonished himself.
And sighing and cursing himself, Kakashi jumped out of the window, in pursuit of his dear, stubborn blonde.
On his side, Naruto kept running, jumping over the rooftops as though he was carried by wings.
He didn't stop running.
He couldn't stop running.
He wanted to put as much distance as possible between him and Kakashi.
He was so angry at the silver-haired man he was shocked himself.
Deep inside, something kept telling him that maybe he was overreacting…but immediately he swept the thought away.
No. I am not overreacting. Ero-sennin is fucking dead, and because of Kakashi, I was not there to help him. I am NOT overreacting.
Yes, but Tsunade was the one to let him go alone…
I don't care. Kakashi should never have hidden such a thing to me.
Well, you know he might be telling the truth when he says he didn't know about this…
Stop finding him fucking excuses, how the Hell could he not know about this?! Kakashi knew about Ero-sennin's plan. I'm sure of it. Godaime is telling him everything, he is her best counselor along with Shikamaru's father. How the hell could he have not been informed of this? He is lying to me and that's unacceptable.
And he kept running, seething, growling, muffling the protests in his heart telling him that maybe, just maybe he was wrong, maybe his immense, burning, exaggerated anger was hiding something else.
How the Hell could you do this to me, Kakashi?
He felt tears of rage coming up to his eyes as he turned right towards the forest, without turning back.
Over the years, Naruto had grown very fond of that calm, powerful and kind man. Kakashi had practically raised him along with Iruka, but he had developed particularly strong feelings for the older man, and he didn't exactly know why. For starters, he admired him deeply, for his impressive intelligence as well as for his wisdom and his powerfulness. He had always been very proud of being the famous Hatake Kakashi's student. As the years had gone by, Kakashi had always been there for him, even if it was just to annoy him and order him to eat more vegetables.
A little bit like Iruka, Kakashi had been like an older brother to him. Yet Naruto had always yearned for Kakashi's recognition and approval, more than Iruka's, and to that day, he had always failed to understand why. It was yet another feeling than the will to be recognized by Sasuke. He saw Sasuke as his equal, whereas Kakashi was something more. He was his model, he was the person he knew he could always, always look up to, for anything, because Kakashi did always know what to do, in every situation. And whatever happened, Naruto trusted Kakashi. He knew that the silver-haired man truly loved him like family, and knowing how much of a lonely man Kakashi was, Naruto was absolutely delighted to have succeeded in reaching such a place within the copy ninja's heart.
Naruto shook his blonde head, wincing.
Naruto, stop this.
The words were ringing in his head.
Naruto, stop this.
These words were the very, the tangible proof that Kakashi was on Tsunade's side. He had tried to defend her rather than support Naruto in his grief. It proved Kakashi had been aware of Jiraiya's suicidal mission, and that he had backed Tsunade up by keeping Naruto away.
Naruto, stop this.
A tear of rage slid down Naruto's cheek. Kakashi's words had made his heart bleed a little more. With Jiraiya dead, Kakashi was the only remaining person Naruto truly regarded as his mentor, the person he always looked up to for any kind of advice, the only person that could help him achieve his dream and make him become stronger. And as his closest friend since Sasuke was gone, he would have thought Kakashi would be the first one to comfort him and support him through his grief.
Naruto, stop this.
Naruto felt rejected. He felt betrayed. He felt like Kakashi had abandoned him.
He had abandoned him.
As he was jumping to another branch, something suddenly appeared before him and wrapped itself around him, making them both fall to the ground.
That thing had strong, bare arms, and a muscled, firm body.
As they both crashed hard on the ground, Naruto's eyes widened.
That thing had Kakashi's very characteristic smell of wood, mossy earth and rain.
His heart stopped.
He was in Kakashi's arms.
The silver-haired jounin wrapped his arms and his legs around Naruto and forced his whiskered face into his chest by diving a hand into his blonde hair and pressing his nose into his shirt, in the center of his muscled chest.
"Naruto, please listen to me."
I have to get out of his arms.
Naruto started struggling fiercely against Kakashi's embrace, pounding his fists on his chest, but Kakashi was holding him tight and the blonde knew he wouldn't let go. He succeeded in shooting his head up for one second before Kakashi pushed his face back into his chest, crushing his nose and lips between his pectorals and wrapping his arms around his head to keep it trapped there.
"Shhh, Naruto, Naruto! It's okay! Shhhh..." Kakashi said, tightening his arms around him and swallowing him into his embrace, putting his chin on his hair.
The tears started coming up to Naruto's eyes. The unacceptable pain, the huge chasm of his heart started howling again, dragging him underwater, suffocating him.
No. I have to get out of his arms. Now!
"Shhh, calm down...Caaalm down..." Kakashi kept repeating, overpowering him into his arms while Naruto kept wriggling to get free.
Anger…
"It's okay, it's okay...shhhh..."
Yes…I am angry at him.
"Shhh..."
I am angry at him!
Naruto let out a roar, muffled in Kakashi's chest, and he managed to form sign with his hands. Soon, he disappeared in a poof from Kakashi's arms, replaced by a wood log, and re-appeared a few steps from the jounin. Kakashi threw the log aside and rose on his feet.
"Naruto, will you please stop fighting me?"
"Don't you come near me!" Naruto bellowed, stepping backwards, his hands joined together, ready to conjure his clones.
"Naruto-kun, I swear, I swear on my life I am sorry for my words, and I swear I didn't know about Jiraiya." Kakashi said, reaching out a hand to Naruto, trying to catch him again into his arms.
"LIAR!"
"Naruto just think for one second for crying out loud, we were right in the middle of an eight-squad mission when it happened! We had just received information about Sasuke's whereabouts, remember?"
"So?"
"So how the Hell was I supposed to know about what was going to happen to Jiraiya?!"
"That doesn't prove anything! You could have taken advantage of the fact that we received information to lure me out of Konoha while Ero sennin was sent to be sacrificed!"
Kakashi hid his face into his hands.
"Naruto do you hear yourself?! That is completely crazy!"
"Then explain to me why you were on Tsunade's side back in her fucking office! Explain to me why you told me to shut the fuck up when you should have been there for me!" Naruto screamed,
"I never told you to shut up, Naruto. I was merely afraid Kyuubi would get out. But I deeply regret talking to you that way."
Naruto sniggered.
"You should have thought about it before reminding me that you have never stopped seeing me like a fucking, useless idiot!"
Kakashi started thinking this was going in circles. He could feel that Naruto wasn't really there. He wasn't listening to him. Kakashi could have said anything, the blonde seemed to be clinging to his anger. It was just as though he was locked in a bubble of burning resentment and Kakashi's words were sliding on the surface, never reaching him.
"Naruto…Naruto, that's not true…You are my friend…My family…I…"
I love you, you freaking bakayarou.
Yet before Kakashi had a chance to tell him, Naruto said something that hurt him so much he fell on his knees and couldn't utter another word.
"Well you are neither my friend nor my family anymore, Kakashi. I understand now why you have always been alone."
As the heinous words were leaving Naruto's mouth, deep inside his heart, that contradictory, annoying voice was screaming.
What the hell are you saying, Naruto?!
"You are not capable of doing anything else than hurting the others around you."
Stop, this is going too far! You don't mean what you are saying!
"I thought I had succeeded in finding that heart buried inside of you, but I was wrong."
Why are you trying so hard to hurt him when you don't mean a word of what you are saying?!
"Your heart has died a long time ago, and it will remain dead."
Stop it, STOP!
"Get out of my life, Kakashi, you disgust me."
Something in his heart broke further at the sight of Kakashi's eyes filling up with tears, as the silver-haired jounin was staring at him incredulously. He suddenly looked so young, so lost, so sad. His eyes were the eyes of a lonely child with so many demons Naruto couldn't begin to count them. Persuading himself that he truly meant the horrors he had just told Kakashi and that they had nothing to do with the fact that his heart had just become much heavier, Naruto turned his back to Kakashi and left him, leaving behind him a devastated man who lowered his eyes to the ground, tears streaming down his face.
AN: God I hate myself. I love Kakashi so much, I shattered my own heart writing this. But bear with me, things might eventually come around!
