A/N: I wrote this chapter listening to Filtr UK's Christmas Hits playlist on Spotify. It adds something... But it may ruin Christmas music for you for a while. I don't know. I've always found it a little sad. TWs still in play. Maybe I should make the rating M for that, but I think that would send the wrong message, combined with the pairing - let me know if you have thoughts about this. A reviewer asked if there's going to be anything with Regina/Robyn first - Emma's going to ask herself that question, too! I'm sorry it's so hardgoing, but I actually think it's really important to show this part of what happened to Regina. Obviously, this isn't the same as the show, but Regina was HURT, so much, and even in other fics I've read, people just brush over it. Also, another promise - I believe in happy endings. Passionately. We'll get there...
SATURDAY DECEMBER 20TH 2014, 04:00
Regina's eyes snapped open. She shoved her fist in her mouth before she could scream. She was alone. She was alone. She looked around the unfamiliar room. She was in Granny's house, Mrs Lucas's. She was in the bedroom that she shared with Emma, Emma Swan. Elsewhere in the house were Ruby Lucas and Tina Bell… Regina got out of bed. When she was lying down, she was just asking for it. She went downstairs. Somewhere she could put a light on. The kitchen. She flicked the switch, slowing her breathing with a simple counting exercise she'd found online. In for four seconds. Pause. Out for four seconds. Pause. She braced herself against the counter. 1… 2… 3… 4… She wondered where her mother was. A prison cell? Back at the house? Probably the house. She would have made bail, for sure. Did she know where Regina was? Would she find out? Would she care enough to find out?
What would she do if she found out? Regina heard a car outside and threw herself into a corner, curling up in a ball, waiting for the door to burst open, waiting for her mother to come in, drag her out by the hair, throw her in the backseat with the child locked doors, take her back-
"REGINA!" Emma yelled, loud enough to wake the whole house.
Regina's eyes snapped up.
"I called your name like seven times already!" Emma said. She sounded scared.
Regina struggled to her feet. Emma stayed a few feet away. Regina was a cornered animal, cowering, but preparing to fight to the death. Emma's nose throbbed, reminding her that getting in Regina's way was a bad idea. But she hadn't been able to help going downstairs when Regina didn't come back to bed after a few minutes.
Regina fetched herself a glass of water. Emma continued to watch.
"What happened?" Emma asked.
"I simply had a bad dream," Regina said, hating the way her voice faltered, shaking in her throat. She sipped her water, just about managing not to choke on it.
"That was not just a bad dream," Emma mumbled, but for some reason she couldn't fully confront Regina about underplaying what had happened. Regina ignored the mumbling. Emma hopped up onto the counter, reaching into a cupboard behind her for the cookie tin. She helped herself to three double chocolates, then held the tin out to Regina.
"How are you not obese?" she asked Emma. Emma grinned.
"I shit a lot. How about you?"
Regina laughed; it was as if her fear bubbled up and released itself by accident at Emma's stupid comment. She took a cookie.
"I'm not having three."
Emma munched on her food. "It's almost Christmas," she commented.
"Is that supposed to mean something?" Regina asked, still standing, facing Emma.
"Most people'd find it exciting."
"I am not most people."
"So you don't like Christmas?"
FRIDAY DECEMBER 20TH 2013, 19:00
Regina hung the last of the crystal glass decorations on the huge tree in the hallway. When her mother had told her in the morning that she would be allowed to decorate it this year instead of the butler, she had almost squealed with happiness. She was never trusted with tasks like this. Cleaning, yes. Polishing, absolutely. But something so beautiful, so artistic, something everybody would see… Cora didn't like the tree to be up weeks before. It went up on the 20th, that was appropriate, reserved. Regina had expected this year to be the same as any other, but at the breakfast table, Cora had ordered the change. Regina had almost hugged her!
She had started as soon as she returned from school, twirling around with silver tinsel. Everything was so shiny… Regina had her iPod blaring Spotify's top Christmas hits into her ears, tinsel in her hair, a bow around her wrist like a bracelet, baubles dangling from her ears. Cora wouldn't be back for hours, she had a late meeting. Regina was free, free to enjoy herself, to make something beautiful.
She looked around at the boxes, the tinsel strands, the pine needles, the glitter… Such a beautiful, beautiful mess. She grinned and flipped her music back to Mariah Carey, looking in the hall mirror, grabbing a walking stick from the stand to use as a microphone. She danced a pretty little dance in front of the mirror, then sang the soulful introduction, picturing Daniel, the hottie who worked at the stables. Last week he had spoken to her. Actually spoken to her! She'd been running to get to Rocinante and had almost charged right into him - he'd said, "Watch it, kiddo." But in such a friendly way!
Regina tapped her feet on the white marble floor as the tempo picked up, then began to dance wildly, shaking her hair free from its braid and singing her heart out. She grabbed a handful of glitter and threw it into the air, letting it rain down on her like magical snow. She smiled up at the chandelier of their mansion. Maybe this Christmas could really be happy, like in all the songs, all the stories, children's laughter really filling the air. Maybe things were getting better.
Her headphones and singing meant she didn't hear the door open. She didn't hear her mother coming in, stumbling in the doorway, having past 'drunk' several hours ago. She didn't hear her mother saying her name icily, or saying her name loudly, or even shouting her name. She didn't hear her mother march up behind her. She didn't see her mother, even in the mirror, because she had closed her eyes, swaying to the music. She didn't feel her mother's liquor tainted breath, she didn't smell her pungent perfume, she didn't have any idea her mother was there until Cora Mills grabbed her by the shoulders, her red-talon nails almost piercing the skin.
Regina's eyes snapped open. She was still facing the mirror. It meant everything happened wrong somehow, not quite right, not quite real. Cora grabbed the walking stick. Regina was frozen to the spot. She didn't even turn the music off. If she had been able to hear she would have heard Cora yell "This is an antique!" and then "What the hell are you doing?". It didn't really matter. She didn't need to hear to know what was going to happen next. She refused to turn around.
Regina faced the girl in the mirror, the girl just like her, exactly like her, but opposite. She forced herself to keep her eyes open, keep staring. The Regina in the mirror had glitter in her hair and was listening to Shakin' Stevens.
Snow is falling
All around me
The Regina in the mirror grabbed the stick as Cora raised it. The Regina in the mirror grabbed the stick and pulled it back.
It's the season
Of love and understanding
The Regina in the mirror did not cry out in pain, the antique walking stick did not hit her back or her arms or her knees. The Regina in the mirror fought back.
Room is swaying,
Records playing
The Regina in the mirror had no need to shield her head from the blows that continued to rain down. The Regina in the mirror had taken the stick. The Regina in the mirror was not swaying. The Regina in the mirror did not cry. When the stick finally clattered to the ground and she was alone, the Regina in the mirror really was having the most wonderful time of the year.
Regina stood up. She hurt, a lot, but nothing was broken. Cora was gone, presumably to get another drink. Regina looked at the walking stick, then leaned down and picked it up. The Regina in the mirror raised the stick and swung it into the tree, the tree that had become poisonous and ugly, the tree that had watched her suffer without doing anything. Christmas was supposed to be magical. If Christmas was good, it wouldn't let this kind of thing happen. Regina put the stick down. The Regina in the mirror was no more real than the magic of Christmas. She started to clean up the mess. The music in her ears almost made her sick.
SATURDAY DECEMBER 20TH 2014, 05:00
"No, I don't like Christmas," Regina replied shortly.
"But the fooooood," Emma said passionately. Regina forced herself to roll her eyes.
"Do you ever think with anything other than your stomach?"
"Sometimes I think with my pussy," Emma said brazenly. Regina blushed bright red. Emma laughed.
"I'm kidding," she said. "I'm a nun, just like you."
Regina considered correcting her. In the end she said nothing, but Emma didn't miss much.
"You're not?" she asked, her eyes widening.
Regina stayed silent. Emma suddenly realised that she knew nothing about Regina, nothing about why she was here.
"Shit," she breathed.
"Fuck you," Regina said angrily.
"What?"
"You heard me. Fuck you, and fuck your pity. I don't need either."
"Regina, I-"
"Emma, you know nothing. Nothing. You think you understand because bad things happened to you, too. But you have no idea what happened to me, and I hope to God you never do. Because no one should have that in their head."
"It wasn't pity," Emma said, staring at the floor, not sure if what she said was true.
"Sure," Regina said sarcastically. She put her glass in the sink and went back upstairs.
Emma watched her leave, then tiptoed to Granny's office. She pulled a couple of bobby pins out of her pocket and made short work of the lock on the door, then went to the filing cabinet. She picked that lock too, then opened the drawer. She was always doing this to look at her own file. She'd looked at Ruby's and Tina's too. She was a curious soul. She pulled out Regina's, then went to the window so she could see it in the moonlight.
She held it for several minutes, knowing it held all the answers to the beautiful, mysterious, broken person that she couldn't help caring about. Her fingers hovered over the cover, twitching with anticipation. She took a deep breath, then thought back to Regina's face in the kitchen, to her shaking, barely conscious body… She was so hurt, so betrayed, she expected it. She pushed Emma away, but sometimes she forgot and she was so kind, so sweet. She was so much more than her pain. But even she didn't know that.
Emma looked down at the plain brown cover of the file, then, without lifting it, shoved the file back into the cabinet, locked it, left the office, locked that too, and ran upstairs, diving into bed and telling herself it didn't mean anything. Fuck you too, Regina Fucking Mills. Since when was Emma such a coward? Since when did she care what other people would think? And the thing was, they wouldn't even have thought anything because they would never have known. Emma desperately wanted to know what had happened to Regina, how to help her! But not once did she consider going back for the file. Because seeing the girl in the kitchen had changed something in Emma. Not the cowering, not the shaking… But the way she had gotten UP. She had seen Emma, and she had risen to her feet. Emma didn't pity her. She respected her. Because Regina Mills had to be the strongest girl she'd ever met. Emma didn't need to know what the pain was, what the terror was, to see Regina's strength, her bravery.
"If you want to talk, you can," Emma said softly. "You're right, I don't understand. But I don't pity you. I almost envy you - not what happened to you, but your strength, your confidence… I think you're a badass." Emma paused after this confession, waiting for an answer.
Regina focused on keeping her breathing gentle, determined to remain "asleep".
"Okay, so you're asleep. That's cool. If you were awake you'd probably just say something mean. But while we're here… Regina, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. You're a total bitch. And for some inexplicable reason, I really like you. You're the opposite of me, you don't talk, you're not annoying, you're never clumsy, you never scream and get mad… I'm pretty sure you hate me. And I should hate you too, it's like you want me to. But then you forget you want me to and you tell me about your horse and hell, Regina, I'd love to be your friend. You need a friend. Doesn't make you weak. Just human…" Emma's voice trailed off into the darkness.
"What if I'm not human any more?" Regina whispered. She heard a gasp from the other bed. Then she heard it creak as its occupant got up, walked across the room, and got into her bed.
"Go away," she said weakly. Emma wrapped her arms around Regina and her comforter. She'd thought getting under the comforter would be too much.
"You don't feel like an alien," Emma said. Regina almost laughed.
"How do you do that?" she asked, genuine for once. Emma relaxed her vice like grip a little.
"Do what?"
"Make me want to laugh."
"You mean it works?" Emma grinned at the news.
"No," Regina lied. Emma got up and started going back to her own bed.
"I do it by being so idiotic that people have no other option but to be amused. Mostly I do it when I don't know what to say, to be honest."
There was a pause. "I guess… I wouldn't entirely despise being friends with you," Regina said. Emma tried not to squeal into her pillow. Why did it even matter so damn much? Regina was just a girl, just another foster kid, another person passing briefly through her life… Emma couldn't explain it. But Regina mattered.
"Goodnight, Regina," Emma whispered. Regina's answer was barely audible. But it was there. Emma knew it was. And it almost made her get out of bed and hug Regina again, all night this time.
"Thank you, Emma."
A/N: Please keep reviewing/sharing/reading! Love to you all x
