"Thanks for your help setting up the catwalk, sweetheart. I'm sure you did a beauty pageant or two in your time, huh?" asked Joker, beaming at Rocco's daughter, Angela.
"Um…no," replied Angela. "I wasn't really the beauty pageant type. Did a lot of reading, usually."
"Ah. Nerdy. Nothing wrong with that, sweetheart, even nerdy dames have their uses," said Joker, clapping her on the back. "Harley was always a little..." He trailed off, clearing his throat. "So you're what, a librarian now?"
"I'm a neurologist at Gotham General," replied Angela.
"Right. So you do like drug tests on people's urine?" asked Joker.
"I study the brain, mostly," said Angela, slowly.
"Aw, good for you," said Joker, clapping her on the back again. "Where would any of us be without our brains?"
"Well, I do know a lot of people who seem to get along just fine without using them," replied Angela, smiling.
Joker smiled back. "That's a joke, sweetheart," he murmured. "And a good one. I like that in a dame. Y'know if you wanna audition for the henchgirl position yourself, we could have a father-daughter double act…"
"Thanks, Mr. Joker, that's very flattering, but I enjoy my job at Gotham General," interrupted Angela, hastily. "I need to get back actually, so…enjoy the auditions. See you later, Daddy," she said, hugging Rocco.
"Bye, sweetie," he said, kissing her.
"She's a good kid," said Joker, nodding after her. "You did a good job."
"It was her mother's doing, mostly," replied Rocco. "But she turned out all right despite that."
Joker laughed, and then checked his watch. "Right, well, we'd better get this party started," he said, clapping his hands. "Bring on the dames, right, Harv?" he asked, turning to Two-Face. "You got the list, Roc?"
"Yep. We're all set," said Rocco, sitting down beside the catwalk next to Joker and Two-Face. "Can we have the first girl, please?" he called.
A very pretty young woman stepped out onto the catwalk, smiling. Her face fell suddenly when she saw the Joker. "Oh," she said, slowly. "You…don't look a lot like your pictures online."
"Yeah, I've been told I'm taller in the flesh," said Joker, nodding.
"No, I mean…your hair's not long and unwashed," said the girl. "And your makeup's really clean…"
"Makeup? This ain't makeup, toots. I look like this 24/7," retorted Joker.
"Oh. Because online you got makeup on your face. And scars. How can you tell people how you got your scars if you don't have scars?"
"Look, sweetheart, I dunno what the hell you're talking about," retorted Joker.
"Can you say the line?" she asked.
"What line?" asked Joker, puzzled.
"Why so serious?" she retorted.
"What?"
"Never mind," the girl sighed, heading off the catwalk. "You're not the Joker I wanted."
Joker stared after her, and then shook his head. "I tell ya, Harv, some people are just plain nuts," he sighed. "Call in the next one, Roc."
A pretty blonde woman strode onto the catwalk, a woman both Joker and Two-Face recognized. "Sugar?" asked Joker, astonished.
It was indeed Peyton Riley, who held her arms behind her back. "Yeah," she retorted. "I got tired of working for the dummy. Thought I'd try my luck working for a real man," she murmured, grinning at Joker.
"Aw…that's real sweet, Sugar, but Scarface and I are buddies, and I wouldn't feel comfortable stealing his dame…" began Joker.
"You ain't scared of a dummy are ya, Joker?" demanded Sugar.
"No, I…"
"But you should be, you dizzy blonde!" shouted a familiar voice, as Scarface suddenly appeared from behind Sugar's back. "Whaddya mean trying to dump me for the clown?! I'll slap your pretty face silly for this, ya ungrateful dame!"
"Maybe Joker would treat me like a real woman instead of just some stupid doll!" shouted Sugar. "I have certain feminine needs, Scarface, which you just can't satisfy!"
"The hell I can't!" shouted Scarface. "We're going home right now, and we're gonna see what I can and can't satisfy, you useless broad!"
Sugar and Scarface kept arguing as they left the catwalk. Joker, Two-Face, and Rocco all shared a look. "Well, that was disturbing on multiple levels…" muttered Two-Face.
"Moving right along, Roc," said Joker, tapping the list.
"Next, please!" called Rocco.
A woman emerged onto the catwalk, and the jaws of all three men in the room dropped. She was tall and slim, but not too tall, and not too slim, with a perfect, hourglass figure, and a very full, prominent bust. Her hair was long and blonde, and it shimmered in the lights from the room. Her face was oval and pale, but not too pale, and her eyes were a deep, bright blue. They shone with passion and intelligence, and her lips were red and full as she smiled the most beautiful smile any of them had ever seen.
"Hi," she whispered, in a soft voice like gentle music.
"H…hi," stammered Joker. "What's your name, sweetheart?"
"Mary Sue," she murmured, beaming.
"I'm gonna call you Fake Harley," said Joker. "What are you good at, Fake Harley?"
"Everything," she replied.
"I like your confidence," chuckled Joker. "Can you iron, sweets?"
"I can do anything you want, Mr. Joker," she murmured. "And I'm real good at everything I do," she breathed, pulling out a gun and holding it close to her chest. She pulled the trigger and a Bang flag popped out.
"Ok, my mind's made up," said Joker, standing up and beaming. "We've found our Fake Harley."
"Um…J…you sure you don't wanna take a look at the others?" asked Two-Face, slowly. "I could look after Miss Sue while you're watching the other auditions…"
"Get your own henchgirl, Harvey," snapped Joker. "This one's mine. Roc, give her the outfit and let her try it on," he said.
Fake Harley smiled at them as she took Harley's costume and left the room. "Wow, she's hot!" gasped Two-Face.
"Oh yeah," agreed Joker. "Very…perky. She's gonna fill out that suit a lot better than Harley did, if you get what I'm saying," he chuckled.
"Should I send the others away, boss?" asked Rocco.
"Aw, no, Roc, I'll do it," said Joker. "They're my fans, so I should take care of 'em."
He whistled happily as he picked up a machine gun and went around behind the catwalk. Two-Face and Rocco suddenly heard firing and a lot of screaming.
"J, what the hell are you doing?" demanded Two-Face, as he rushed over to see Joker among a bunch of dead bodies.
"Taking care of my fans, Harvey," retorted Joker, beaming.
They heard a giggle, and turned to see Fake Harley standing behind them, in Harley's costume, beaming adoringly at Joker and the carnage that surrounded him. "Aw, Mr. J, you're such a naughty boy," she purred.
"Yeah," gasped Joker, gazing at her. "Think I might need a spanking, baby."
She giggled again. "J, how about she's your henchgirl on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and mine on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays?" asked Two-Face.
"I ain't sharing her, Harvey," snapped Joker. "Fake Harley, you wanna be my and Harvey's henchwench, or just mine?" he asked, turning to her.
"Just yours, Mr. J," she murmured, grinning.
"There. You heard the lady," snapped Joker. "Now beat it, Harv. And you too, Rocco. Fake Harley and me wanna get to know each other a little," he chuckled.
Two-Face grumbled as he headed for the door. "Enjoy your new henchgirl," he muttered.
"Oh, I will!" chuckled Joker. He kept smiling until the door shut, and then his smile dropped. "Ok, toots, take this," he said, handing her the machine gun. "Go clean it, and then get rid of these bodies. I'll be in my study," he said, heading for the door.
"Um…Mr. J…" began Fake Harley.
"No, you call me sir," interrupted Joker. "Or boss. I've had enough of Mr. J to last me a lifetime."
"Ok…boss…I just had a couple questions," said Fake Harley.
He sighed heavily. "What?" he muttered, turning to her.
"Am I gonna be fulfilling…all the positions real Harley did?" she asked quietly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Joker.
She grinned, and then slowly unzipped her costume and pulled it off, to reveal a very skimpy lingerie ensemble. "I mean, I know I'm only a Fake Harley, but I still think I can give pretty good rides," she whispered, smiling at him.
He studied her, expressionless. "Nah, not in the mood, kid," he muttered, turning away. "Better get used to that. Got a lot on my mind. Ain't so interested in the body most of the time. Anyway, you probably wouldn't be into the whoopie cushion or anything, so…"
"I'll be into whatever you want," she murmured.
"Well, what I want is to be left alone," he retorted. "So do that, if you're so good at everything. Oh, and make a start on the laundry once you got the corpses outta here. Thanks, dollface."
He entered his study and shut the door, going over to his desk. "If she's so keen to be useful, maybe I had better take her for a test drive with the Bat," he murmured, picking up a plan. He grinned. "And I got just the scheme for it!"
