Chapter Two: Grim Introductions
(Five years ago…)
"Vanity! All of it is vanity!" Cooper declared speaking confidently into his new HD camera. "Don't believe me?" He scoffed jutting his chin forward. "Let me show you that vanity is all around us! Take this fine specimen for example." He said swiftly maneuvered the camera around his neck to point it at the petite blond near the edge of the driveway. The small girl was staring lovingly into the gaze of a slender boy around her age. He cupped his hands in hers and spoke to her in a soft low voice. Cooper crept around the couple quietly, keeping a tight angle on them as he did so. "See here?" He asked in a whisper. "The female is clearly trying to seduce the male with her sappy looking quivering lips. You can see by the trembling posture of the male that her antics are working. The glossy chemicals on her lips make it hard for the male to resist, no doubt it took her hours to perfect such a flawless look."
"Coop." Dad growled carrying a fat suitcase to the car. "Shut that camera off and help me pack the car."
"Aw! But this is more fun!" He whined reluctantly dropping the small recording device to his neck.
"Maybe for you, but I'm sure your sister and Tim don't appreciate you making a documentary out of their love affair."
"But that's the whole reason the producers gave me a camera!"
"No, the producers gave you a camera to record your thoughts for the DVD." Dad sighed pinching his index finger and thumb to the bridge of his nose after heaving the heavy luggage into the truck. "Invading your sister's privacy doesn't fall under that jurisdiction."
"Are you sure?" Cooper asked cocking his head off to one side. "Let's ask Mary. Mary, what do you think? Filming Beth wildly entertaining and funny or morally wrong?"
"What? Don't bring me into this!" I said curling my feet under my butt. I'd taken a place on the sidewalk to jot down my thoughts as the rest of my family finished packing for the summer. Cleary I wasn't as invisible as I'd originally thought.
"Daniel, honey, are we almost ready to go?" Mom asked poking her head out of the front door. Dad roughly rubbed his hands across his face signaling to us that he was totally overwhelmed. Mom read his body language and dropped her gaze. "Fine, I'll send Jack out to help."
"Thanks, babe." He muttered turning back to Cooper. He stuck a bony finger into the preteen's face and wagged it hard. "No more goofing around. Your mother and I are under a tremendous amount of stressed right now. Understand?"
"Yeah, Dad! Sure!" Cooper chirped excitedly. "From now on, I'll be a stick in the mud like Mary!"
"Hey!" I shrieked defensively. "I'm not that lame."
"Yeah, sure!" The gawky redhead snickered. "Not that lame. Oh, Mary! You kill me."
"Cooper, what did I just say?" Dad asked hesitating to head back inside. Cooper rolled his eyes and started fidgeting with his camera.
"Relax, Dad! This summer will be great."
"It better be." He mumbled glancing over his shoulder at Beth and her boyfriend Tim. "After the last few seasons, we might soon be out of a job."
I felt myself being oddly comforted by that last sentence. Life without rating hungry producers breathing down our necks? It didn't sound so terrible to me.
"Alright, everyone in the car!" Mom shouted side-stepping my big brother, Jack, to file into the passenger's seat of the cramped mini-van. Jack promptly rolled his eyes, flung the remaining bags in the back, and crawled into the far left seat.
Beth and I were the last two to try to cram into the car. I stared back at my journal, not quite wanting to get in without finishing my thoughts. Beth, on the other hand, had an entirely different reason for wanting to stay outside.
"I wanna make you happy!" Beth's eyes swelled up bright with tears as she choked out the simple sentence. I sighed feeling another one of her dramatic goodbyes coming on and pulled my book up to my nose in an effort to try to block her out. "Baby, there's just- there's just no way I can make it without you!" The grip on my book loosened. I stared at her sideways wondering if she knew how pathetic she sounded. I mean, come on. She could do better than the cheesy, stereotypical, cliché, lyrics of a Disney Show. But then again, Beth had this unusual talent for making even the most helpless lines work. And her long-time on-again-off-again boyfriend, Tim, was a sucker for her ways.
"Baby, you do make me happy." He sobbed, tears flowing down his face as he gripped her by the shoulders and forcefully pulled her into his chest. The guy had all the signs of sadness radiation off of him. The signature runny nose and generic shaky voice, for example, and even his body was trembling as he hunched over my sister and shamelessly cried on into her shoulder. It was nearly impossible to miss the trimmers of sadness ripping through his nervous system.
"Wrap it up, Princess!" Jack called impatiently from inside the car. Dad sighed, not quite wanting to outwardly agree with the jock-y teen, but at the same time it was clear he wished his oldest daughter would hurry up her soap opera to join the family. He shook his head, yanked the driver's door open, and disappeared inside the car.
When I finally found a good stopping point, I decided it was time to untangle myself and join my family. Since I wasn't an oldest child, I didn't exactly have rights to one of the first two seats. Instead, I found myself in the back with Cooper as he chattered on and on to himself about theories of our final destination. Unfortunately, zombies were thrown out there more than once. I was beginning to think my younger brother had lost it when I noticed he wasn't talking to himself at all, but that tiny blue and silver camera he kept around his neck. I smiled, settling in, and unfolded my notebook to examine what I'd written. About that time, Beth came bulldozing through the door to wave a tragic farewell to her first love as she strapped herself in for the long journey to the airport and beyond. Dad didn't hesitate to shoot off. He revved the engine, warning Tim to stand back, and bolted the car forward. In an instant, we were gone. Leaving our cozy home just outside Atlanta, GA to head clear across country to Nowheresville, Oregon.
With a bittersweet heart, I plugged in my headphone, cranked up my music, and started rereading my thoughts. Greetings Nameless Audience! I began. I should explain, shouldn't I? I mean, this all seems quite normal, doesn't it? The bickering, the sibling squandering, the tragic goodbyes between star crossed lovers. Blah, blah, blah. Now let me stop you right there. Throw out everything you think you know about us because I'm going to shatter whatever image you have right now. My family isn't what you'd call "normal". To put it in the most generic terms I can think of, we're mystery hunters. Yes, you read correctly, my friends. We're a family of mystery hunters. I smirked tapping the butt of my pen to the paper to think. The car zipped on. I lowered my head to read. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're probably laughing. I would be. I mean, come on, how cheesy can you get? But it's true. We're just like Scooby Doo and the gang. Every summer, my family and I spend three months traveling around the world trying to solve anything unexplained. From the Loch Ness Monster to Big Foot to the Bermuda Triangle, you name it we've probably been there done that. Sounds pretty awesome, right? Wrong! There's a horrible catch: Camera men follow us around for some goofy over-the-top reality TV drama.
Now, before you go and pass your judgments on me, let me just go on the record saying we didn't really stand a chance. Us kids, I mean. Sure, Beth loves the lime-light more than anything, but I can see the fame and fortune slowly draining the rest of us. I've read multiple statistics about kids in reality TV shows and what happens when all the glamour runs out, and let me just say it isn't exactly pretty. But like I said, with parents like mine, cameras were the only option. You see my family is one of passion and addiction. Nothing too serious, not like drugs or alcoholism, but bondage nevertheless. To explain this, we'd have to go back. Like, way back. When Mom and Dad met. Don't worry, I'll keep their story as brief as I can by giving you the cliff notes version of their romance and start off by saying, back in their time, the coolest thing in the world was solving crimes. Crime shows were raging and mysteries were the most popular they'd ever been. And, like any good romance, they met in high school in a mystery solving club. They graduated, went off to college, got criminal psychology degrees, got married, and started having babies. For a while, that was enough for them. They loved solving homicides and raising a family. But their passion for famous mysteries never stopped, and they started getting distracted. They decided to go on vacation to Loch Ness, and that's where trouble really started. They solved Nessie's mystery in a week and went on a mystery solving spree. Like I said, Big Foot, Bermuda Triangle, ect. As you could guess, money became a big problem. They couldn't raise a family and do all this traveling off their wages, so called up a television producer, pitched their idea, and here we are. See? Short and sweet.
I paused to glance up and around the car. Cooper yawned and stretched beside me, already bored in the car after only twenty minutes of travel time. Beth was texting her boyfriend and taking selfies of herself on her phone, and Jack was trying to curl up next to himself in the car and disappear. I shrugged to myself pulling the journal back towards me. The producers wanted me to explain my family in my eyes, and I tried to do it in the most creative way I could think of.
What? Still don't see the "addiction" part? I'll clue you into how obsessed my parents are with a mini family bio. We'll start with my parents: David Daniel Lockheed (42) and his darling wife Deborah Anne Lockheed (41). The best at what they do. Crime fighters and mystery solvers. Loving parents in front of the camera, stressed to death behind the scenes.
Next up is my big brother Jack, age 17. Jack's full name is Jack Ripper Lockheed named after, you guessed it, Jack the Ripper. He's pretty awesome, in my opinion. He's athletic and fun, good at every sport he touches but also surprisingly smart. He looks at life like a giant social experiment, which is why some people perceive him as being one big fat giant douchebag.
Beth is next in our little lineup. Full name: Elizabeth Dahlia Lockheed age 16, she's pretty much what you'd expect someone named after the Black Dahlia would be. Beauty Queen master manipulator, I adore this girl to the point of jealousy. She has a way of getting everyone to like her, and although she's small in size her temper is not at all one you should cross. Very few survive it.
We'll skip over me and go straight to Cooper. He's just a kid and the comic relief of our family. His full name is D.B. Cooper Lockheed, age 12, and named after that guy who hijacked a plane in the 1970s and mysteriously disappeared without being positively identified. He's always happy, which makes me happy. He's completely oblivious when it comes to people. He's as intuitive as a rock, and I say that in the most loving way possible. But he's charming and fun, and that matters more than any wit.
Now that we've effectively skipped over me, I guess it's my turn. Full name is Mary Celeste Lockheed, and I'm a whomping 14 years old. At this point, you're supposed to turn to each other and ask "what are you named after, Mary?" By the sound of it, you're probably thinking it's a person, but you'd be wrong. I'm actually named after that ship that mysteriously showed up without its crew in the 1800s. Yeah, a bit odd in my opinion that I'm named after a ship when everyone else is named after people, but I kind of like it. It makes me feel, I don't know, unique?
Anyway, I'm the least popular on the show, which is why the producers are making me do this stupid narrative for the DVDs whenever they're released. They think by making me more popular they'll make the show more popular. But when the media leaked that I was making video diaries fans got super upset and wanted the rest of the family to do it as well.
Now would be a good time to ask why I'm writing my thoughts down instead of speaking them into a camera. To be honest, there's a lot of reasons for that. One of the main reasons of why I'm journaling instead of videotaping myself right away is that I know most of what I say will more than likely be filtered out and, I don't know, there's something beautiful and noble about writing things down. I don't want to forget my thoughts, not even for a second. And going back and explaining my family to people who may not understand is oddly therapeutic. Huh, who would have guessed?
So, Mary, where are you going this summer and why? Since I've already ranted above and beyond my time slot, I'll just say we're going to Gravity Falls, Oregon. It's a small town with a lot of different mini mysteries. Because of these small little mysteries, my family is wanting to spend more time here than other places. They scheduled a good two months to be safe, which is why Beth was being so dramatic with Tim earlier. That, and I think she's playing up the whole "love" angle for the cameras. Teenage girls eat that stuff up.
Signing off now!
Peace, Love, & Zombies,
Mary Celeste Lockheed
