Although it started out as a short finale, this has grown from an episode into an epic. It would need two episodes...or maybe three...to cover all the things that Hogan and co. got up to while waiting for the Allied armies to arrive!
That evening Hogan slipped out under cover of darkness and made the rounds of the barracks. He made the same speech to each group of men. "I'm trying to talk Kommandant Klink into surrendering to me. If everything works out, we'll have a peaceful takeover of the camp and sit and wait for the Allies to arrive."
He quelled the rising tide of questions with an upraised hand. "What I need to know from every man here is, can you handle the job of guarding German prisoners and running the camp without deserting or taking revenge? You've got tonight to think about it."
Privately he informed each barracks chief that anyone they thought likely to cause trouble could be shipped out in an escape during the takeover of the camp. It wasn't likely that a discrepancy between the number of Allied prisoners and Allied guards would be noticed. Several names were put forward by the barracks chiefs as being likely to cause problems, but the majority of the occupants of the camp agreed to follow Hogan's orders without question.
Directly after roll call the next morning, Hogan made his attack.
Following Klink into his office, he dropped his cap on top of the helmet on the desk and dropped into a chair. Klink was so preoccupied with examining himself in the mirror that he didn't even notice the cap. "Colonel Klink, I've been thinking."
"Did you have to? Whenever you start thinking, I get in trouble. I don't know how you do it—" Klink abandoned his reflection and flapped his hand. "I don't want to know how you do it, but I wish you wouldn't."
"I'm trying to help you," Hogan protested. "You want to survive the battle when the Allies arrive, don't you?"
He pointed to the desk chair and hid his smirk as Klink sat obediently. "How, Hogan, how could I survive the battle?"
"If you weren't in command, and your guards weren't on duty, you'd have nothing to worry about," Hogan said deliberately.
The kommandant looked horrified. "Are you suggesting that I transfer out of here before the Allies arrive? Run like a coward?"
"Why not?" Hogan retorted. "Transfer yourself to the Russian Front. At least you're guaranteed a very quick death. Actually that's not what I was thinking."
"What then?" Klink sounded exactly like a three-year-old trying to refuse an afternoon nap.
"Well, there's Allies right here, even one of equal rank. You surrender, the Allies take control of the camp, and your worries are over."
Col Klink screwed his nose up, nearly losing his monocle in the process, and spent thirty seconds in thoughtful silence. "Ohhh! You mean that I should surrender to you and your men, before the fighting army gets here!"
"Marvelous, the way you grasp these things, sir!" Hogan said with mock admiration.
"But the prisoners . . . they would take revenge on me for their captivity." There was a whimper in his voice.
"On our beloved Bald Eagle?" Hogan pretended outrage. "You've been such a fair and caring kommandant, sir, what do you have to be concerned about?"
Klink nodded slowly. "Maybe . . . Hogan, you know that only the most desperate of circumstances would reduce me to such a position."
Hogan put on a sympathetic expression. "I know that, sir. How different the war might have been had you been given a tactical command position."
"How different, indeed." Klink dwelt with obvious pleasure on a mental image of himself in red-striped pants.
Hogan got tired of waiting for Klink to stop admiring himself and interrupted the reverie. "Shall we have the formal surrender and changeover tomorrow morning then?"
"Yes, yes." Klink looked at his desk. "I suppose my files will need sorting . . ."
"Don't worry about it, sir. We'll take care of it all. Perhaps you should address your men and make sure they won't try and escape from here after the surrender," Hogan warned. "Anyone who stays here will be safe, but if they decide to leave it's their neck."
"You guarantee that my men will be treated according to the Geneva Convention and receive humane treatment from the Allies?" Klink asked. He could be quite concerned for the welfare of others when it didn't interfere with his own comfort and safety.
"I guarantee that we'll be as good to you as you've been to us," Hogan affirmed.
Klink pondered the situation for several more moments. "I'll go talk to my men," he said finally. He stood, paused for a moment, and then extended his right hand.
Fully aware of what a concession the egomaniac was making, Hogan restrained his tongue and gravely shook hands. To his surprise, instead of the limp fish he expected, his hand was grasped firmly, pumped twice and then released.(1) Without waiting to be dismissed he left the office.
The first place he went was down to the radio room to talk to Kinch. "It's all set. We take over tomorrow morning, providing Klink has the guts to go through with it."
"When do you want us to close up the tunnels?" Kinch asked without looking up from the part he was examining.
"Not until tomorrow morning. In case the mission goes south I don't want to limit our access. We'll keep the entrances open to the kommandant's quarters so that we can still use the tunnels if we desperately need them."
"You're really planning to keep Klink and his goons in these barracks?" the radio man asked doubtfully.
"Why not? They have to surrender to someone, and it may as well be us," Hogan said flippantly. "After all, we've been here a long time, and we know how to run a prison camp. Tell the guys to have personal belongings packed in preparation for the move."
Kinch shrugged. "Will do."
Hogan zipped his jacket all the way up and began to pace the tunnel room, his mind running a hundred different ways. "Kinch, have Baker take over the radio without you from now on. Besides the fact that it's not good for you to be down here in the damp all the time, you're going to be in charge of the arsenal. Make sure our own weapons are distributed properly and don't let anyone get near them that can't be trusted in case the surrender doesn't work out. And I want you as my official second in command when we take over."
Kinch nodded soberly, not wanting to show how moved he was at the confidence Hogan had in him, but he raised one objection. "Colonel Hogan, Carter outranks me. Shouldn't he—"
"You're it," Hogan cut him off. "I want you with me, Kinch."
"Yes sir." Kinch's teeth showed white in his face as he grinned.
There was a movement out in the tunnel, and both men looked up to see Carter standing there with a stricken look on his face.
(1) When my parents went to Germany, they learned that a firm handshake is a matter of social importance. It shows politeness and respect for the person you're talking with. Klink has many failings, but for the most part his general etiquette is up to standard.
