A quick scan of the tables in the eating area next to the kitchens revealed no Garrus, no Tali. The knot in Shepard's stomach eased a little—although that didn't keep her from glancing over at the Main Battery doors, fully expecting them to open at any minute. She grabbed a tray and queued up with the rest of the crew waiting for breakfast, pointedly shaking her head at the offers for her to move to the front of the line. There was something reassuring in being just another soldier; just another body; just another pawn to be moved around as the Alliance saw fit.

Liara and James were sitting at one of the tables along the wall as she emerged from the crowd with her tray, almost shocked at how good the food smelled. She could take her tray to any empty spot, scarf her meal and get back to work, but the warmth of Liara's smile made her hesitate and she found herself walking over to their table. "Room for one more?"

"Shepard! Of course; it's nice to see you here." Liara slid over, giving her enough room to sit down.

"Lola!" James grinned, too, pushing his empty plate away. "It's good to see you eating some real food. I was starting to think you actually liked the taste of those nutrient bars."

Shepard shrugged before attacking her reconstituted eggs with a surprising enthusiasm. She really was hungrier than she'd thought. "They're not that bad," she replied between bites.

"As varren chow maybe."

Liara wrapped her hands around her mug of citrus-scented tea and took a small sip, her eyes concernedly searching Shepard's face. "You look tired."

"I am tired." She managed a wan smile at the asari. Her eggs finished, Shepard picked up a strip of hydrolyzed soy bacon with her fingers and took a large bite from the end, chewing thoughtfully. "There's just… so much to do. So much I want to do, and I can't."

Liara covered Shepard's other hand with her own, leaving it there for a moment before withdrawing it. "We're all here for you, Shepard. If there's anything more I can do, I would be more than happy to help."

"Me, too. Just say the word, no?"

The show of affection made her eyes prickle with almost-tears as she stared, once again, at the closed doors of the Main Battery. It didn't matter what he was doing back there. It didn't matter what she felt or how much she hurt. She was Commander fucking Shepard and she got the job done. Whatever the cost.

Still, the thought of having Garrus and Tali at her side today…

They would be completely professional; she knew they would be. So would she. It would be a simple thing for them to fall into the perfectly synchronized dance of battle that they'd performed so many times. Such a simple thing to pretend nothing had changed.

But, could she really deny the fact that her thoughts had already strayed; wondering what Garrus was doing behind those closed doors? Jealous murmurs caressed and cut, filling her head with imagined scenarios that made her clench the edge of the table until her fingers ached.

Maybe he wasn't even in there. Maybe he'd spent the night in Tali's quarters, where the environment was cleaner—safer; the one place on the ship where Tali was the most acclimatized… The best place for her to risk slipping free of her enviro-suit, just long enough to…

Shepard turned to Liara and James, deliberately discharging the tension in her body with a sharp exhalation. "I can definitely use a hand. You two interested in going planet-side today and giving Cerberus an ass-kicking? We've got a comm facility that needs to be cleaned out."

Vega sat up straighter. "Hell, yeah."

"Absolutely."

Shepard swallowed the last acrid dregs of her coffee and stood up. "Then grab your gear and meet me in the Shuttle Bay in an hour." Dealing with Garrus and Tali could wait. Hell, what was there to deal with anyway? That he'd betrayed her feelings about an imaginary relationship that they'd never even had? Fuck, she was being stupid. She was better than this. Focus, Shepard. The mission is all that matters.

James disposed of his tray, giving her a friendly bump on the shoulder as he passed her on his way back to the elevators. "Thanks, Lola. I'm looking forward to some action. Feels like I've been ship-bound forever."

"Prove to me you can get through a mission without crashing my shuttle and maybe I'll take you along again."

"Ouch." He flinched away with a look of mock hurt before saluting her, his dedication diminished by the wink he gave her after speaking. "Duly noted, Commander."

Shepard tossed her own tray onto the racked collection cart, her mind already turning over possible scenarios for the upcoming mission. She should ask Traynor if she could dig up some blueprints of the facility so they'd have a better idea of where the key access points were. Then, there was that new mod that she'd been meaning to install on her Tempest. She should have time before she needed to suit up.

"Shepard?" Liara placed her hand casually on Shepard's arm, stopping her before she'd reached the elevator. "I'm sorry; I just… wanted to ask. Is everything all right?"

Shepard stilled, her words as crisp and clean as her dress blues. "Of course." She smiled reassuringly, even managing a soft chuckle. "A bit tired. But, who isn't, these days? Well, maybe EDI…"

Liara squeezed her arm lightly before removing her hand. "I was just wondering…" She paused, looking briefly like the young, unsure woman she'd been when they'd first met and less like the woman she'd become. The years since Shepard's death had changed her, just like all of them, making her harder and more wary.

The asari's gaze went where hers would not before coming back to meet Shepard's own with a flare of determination. "I was wondering if there was a reason why you weren't taking Garrus and Tali with you on this mission. I know it's none of my business, but the three of you have always been so close." She scrutinized Shepard's face as she spoke. "I'm honestly not sure why you asked me."

The glib answer came easily. "It's been too long since we've worked together. Really worked together."

But, this answer opened up something else—a blind spot suddenly falling away—and the ensuing vertigo nearly made her reach out to steady herself. She groped for the right words with the dark chill of realization thundering in each pulse of her heart. "I realized… I've been relying too much on the same ground team. We all need to be learning how to work together well, so there isn't an over-reliance of familiarity with certain members of the team."

Shame made it difficult to get the words out without fumbling, and she was sure that Liara had picked up on her sudden unease.

Fuck.

She had been taking Garrus and Tali out far too often, more often than a proper rotation of ground teams would dictate. Sure, they were exceptional when working in tandem with each other. It was so much easier to get things done when they each were able to move, react, and predict each other's actions. It was irrelevant that she'd had good reasons for sticking with the same core squad—familiarity, complimentary skills, less injuries, more successful missions than not. But, in the harsh truth of the moment, Shepard knew that she hadn't chosen Garrus and Tali for those reasons. They were her friends—her closest friends—and she liked working with them. She hadn't been thinking logically, but had let herself, fooled herself, into thinking her selfish reasoning was justified. The rest of the team had been underutilized and she'd grown complacent.

Complacency led to mistakes.

She was better than this.

"Shepard?"

Liara was staring at her, unabashedly concerned now.

"I'm fine. Really." Shepard's teeth ground together as she clenched her jaw. "Look, it's my fault. I should have been changing up the ground teams more frequently, a mistake that I'm rectifying right now. If you don't want to go, say so now and I'll—"

"No. That's not it at all. You know I'll go with you, do whatever you need. I'm just worried about you."

"Don't be." Shepard held herself perfectly at attention, her body rigid. "If you're coming, then I'll see you at the shuttle."

"I… Of course. Commander."

Shepard nodded brusquely and marched to the elevator, barely able to restrain her desire to pound her fists against the doors after they'd closed.

oOoOo

Garrus was pacing—again.

He hadn't slept well, and had finally given up on the pretense that if he just laid there long enough that he would. The snatches of dreams that he'd managed to fall into had been conflicted: fierce words between Shepard and Tali; Tali's fingers stroking his fringe had morphed into Shepard's; the sensation of Shepard's soft mouth exploring the sensitive skin of his throat. He'd woken sharply, embarrassed by the blaze of arousal that was still racing heatedly through him combined with a lingering feeling of betrayal.

He was going to have to talk to Shepard—somehow—but… what was he supposed to say? Even the mock conversations in his head seemed to freeze up and hang after his first few words; endless permutations of code, all unsuccessful.

Hey Shepard. So, Tali and me are sort of seeing each other. Clearly, that's bothering you.

Hey Shepard. So, I guess you know about Tali and me now. I promise it won't get in the way of our work.

Hey Shepard. So, I heard you crying last night. Want to talk about it?

Hey Shepard. So… I guess I'm an ass.

Aside from the last option, he was getting nowhere.

He could just go talk to her and hope that whatever came out of his mouth was somehow more intelligent that what his brain was coming up with.

Right, because that had worked so well last night when he'd stood outside her quarters for half an hour while she'd cried herself to sleep.

Dammit.

He flinched as the Battery doors slid open; his mandibles relaxing as Tali strode in and enveloped him in a tight hug. She let go almost immediately, drawing back to leave a socially acceptable amount of distance between them. "You missed breakfast… and you look like you didn't sleep at all."

"Not really." He shrugged uncomfortably. "I've been trying to figure out what to say…"

"We still don't know why Shepard reacted like she did. I was wondering if it had something to do with the Alliance rules about fraternization, possibly some taboo we weren't aware of? I did some searching on the extranet last night, but couldn't find anything useful… Anyway, I think we should to talk to her before we jump to conclusions." She paused, looking down at her hands before looking back at him. "Well, more than we already have."

He sighed, wishing it could be as simple as a misunderstanding. "Maybe you're right."

"Of course I'm right." She poked his chest gently. "Come on. We'll clear things up with Shepard and then everything can get back to normal. EDI, where can we find Shepard?"

EDI's voice filled the room. "Commander Shepard is not currently aboard the Normandy."

"What do you mean she isn't aboard?" Garrus' subvocals changed pitch drastically, registering his alarm and surprise.

"I am authorized to say that Commander Shepard is with Dr. T'Soni and Lieutenant Vega. If you like, I can forward all information on the mission that is classified for your security level, Officer Vakarian."

"Please."

"Data sent. Is there anything more?"

"No. No… that's fine. Thanks, EDI."

"Logging you out."

Garrus brought up the information on his omnitool, skimming through the details as Tali peered around his shoulder. "This isn't just gathering intel. This is a combat mission."

"More than that. A combat mission… and Cerberus."

They stood in silence as the images and text dimmed and faded.

"She went without us?" Her voice had none of the confidence it had been overflowing with moments before.

"Yeah. It looks like she did."


A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting the next chapter - pesky real life. :)

Thank you so much to Josie Lange for assuaging my insecurities about this chapter and for her wonderful beta reader-ing, and thank you to all of you out there for reading. It means a lot to me. :D