ACK! I hyper-extended my arm, so that's why this chapter is a little late and kind of shorter or something. I dunno, I did it while extreme boogie-boarding. So…this was mostly typed with one hand, while I kept most thoughts in my head to see how it was going. Some interesting things go on here, hope you enjoy.
--MC
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Wonderwall
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
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I never really wanted to wake up again. I think. I don't really remember why, though. I had seriously had a concussion. Or a bout of amnesia. Or I have some disorder where I forget something almost immediately after it happens. Or maybe I never really did what you think I did. Nope, nope nope. Nothing happened. I'm fine, I'm normal; I want to grope Sango and kill Naraku. La la la…all is right with the world. Yes, I am completely normal, saving the gaping hole in my hand. And the half demon bent on becoming a full youkai. And a demon exterminator (who oh no, does NOT kill the half demon) and an orphaned kitsune. COMPLETELY normal. Yes. Oh man, who can forget the girl from the future with the jewel of the four souls previously imbedded in her hip?
Because I certainly can't. No amount of wishing or pretending about amnesia could ever get me to forget the way her lips felt under mine. Or the way she gasped and clung to my robes. Buddha save me, but I was gone. She had me to do whatever she wanted with me and she didn't even know it. I was still trying to decide if it was better her not knowing this piece of information or not. (I mean, really, what DID she want to do with me? If it was something good, like, sex, then yes I'd want this particular pleasure. But if this included some kind of torture, or removal of some appendages that I particularly like on my body—well, I like ALL of them, but some more than others, well, really ONE more than others, but who WOULDN'T like that more than others, because honestly, HELLO…its your special appendage. It makes you happy…erm…yeah. It makes you…really…happy…? Anyways—I would definitely be out of that little idea. However, there are some instances where torture can be quite pleasurable. In fact, I heard once of this couple who based their entire sex life upon—)
But I did have to wake up. I did have to go about the daily routine of breaking camp, well, in this case, leaving a house where the ominous cloud disappeared and getting on the road again. I had to walk there, behind the group, staring as her skirt swayed in the wind and I had to remember every time that she wasn't mine. She was never going to be mine. She loved the dog. She loved the future. And if we were going through that track…she loved Shippou. She loved Sango. She loved Kiara. For goodness sake, I'm sure the fool girl even loved Sesshomaru. But me, she couldn't love me. It was just so OBVIOUS, really. That she couldn't. That she WOULDN'T. That there was no possible—she bent down and picked up Shippou. I groaned and gripped my monk's staff tightly.
I want amnesia.
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I guess there are moments where you figure out something really amazing and you don't even know how you came about this realization. When reading books, the main character usually faces some great peril, or is stricken by some old man's conversation (because there is ALWAYS an old man, of course) who knows too much and is kind of crazy but you listen to him anyways because he is old and well, old. And then you go work out what you just realized. Most of the time, the main character succeeds, but life isn't that way, is it? Life is unfair, life is horrible, life is HARD. HARD, I tell you. And it doesn't seem to get any easier when you become a monk and have to CONTEMPLATE and MEDITATE on the fact that there is a gaping hole in your hand that can suck in anyone in a fifty feet radius. I hate it when I whine. I absolutely hate it. But there is nothing else that I can do. I can walk here and think about MY problems and MY unresolved issues and MY angst (which is honestly, all I know or care about at the moment, since ya know, I am kind of DYING), or I can walk here and think about some girl who I lo—
Dumb fucking luck.
Of course ME, of all people, would be the person to realize something important while ranting about how people in books realize something important and then acted on it.
Of course I would not be acting out on this particular realization. In fact, what realization? Was there ever a realization? Nope, I don't think so. I don't lov—nope I really don't even think anything about Kagome (no, not even the way her hair sways in the wind as it ripples her tiny kimono around, or the way she laughs at absolutely everything Shippou does even though its so obviously beneath her humor level, or the way she talks to Sango quietly and allows the stoic woman to actually show some damn emotion once in a while—when I'm NOT groping her—or the way she gets all serious when she senses a shard, or the way she scratches her nose when she gets a little confused reading her books from the future, or the way she is the only one that can carry on any kind of intellectual conversation with me, since she is the only one that knows how to read…or the way she smiles at me when I lag behind and I smile back and she then drops back and starts talki—)
"Hi Miroku," she smiled again, trying to keep it light. Right, I DO have amnesia now. Because apparently she does too. "So, about last night," she answered. Or maybe she doesn't. Is that a good thing? Because it could go either way. I mean, on the one hand she could totally reject me again and that, you know, would be painful, especially since I had realized something that I really didn't realize at the moment. Riiiiight. She asked me a question…?
"What?"
"Are we still friends?" Ah…the friends line. I'm sure I've heard this one before. Oh, right, that's ALL I've heard before. Because you know, well, never mind.
"Friends, Kagome? Why would we not be?" Ah, playing innocent flusters her—note to self.
"I-I, don't know. I don't want you to think ill of me. I mean, why kiss me? I'm sure you've had so many women before. Don't even bother with me. Because I mean, it's not even worth it. I mean, come on here, we're friends and I guess, that, what I was trying to say is—"
"I…I haven't had so many women before." I choked back the words, almost. I can't believe I just admitted that. She looked almost as stunned as I felt. Open mouth, insert foot and perhaps gloved hand containing rosary and large hole to then eat you from the inside out. Ugh, too graphic. But, it just wouldn't stop…the words, that is. "In fact, it could be said, Kagome, that I am quite the…virgin." I sighed, turning away from her and slapping myself in the head with my rosaried hand. It hurt more that way. Just the way I like it.
"Miroku, if you think its funny telling me that, I don't find it…funny." The steam seemed to be leaving her engine and I felt a little sick. So, alright. I've technically done things with women…you can guess what. But I haven't exactly done that thing which brings you the ultimate pleasure. Why do you think I continue to ask women? No one has said yes to me yet. Well, that's a lie. But the ones who said yes were not worthy of bearing my child. Although now that it's getting closer and closer, I might have to take up someone on the offer. Or I could ask dear little innocent Kagome for a pity fuck. Maybe she'd concede since I am going to die anyways.
"I do not lie Kagome. I only conceal the truth. But this is not one of those cases." Her blush was really, really appealing, actually. I kind of wanted to kiss her right then and show her that I may be inexperienced in body, but in spirit, I am the most skilled lover she could ever hope to have the benefit of pleasuring. One good thing about being a monk, I could always claim I knew who I was in past lives, my reincarnated soul recycled in some very nice bodies—men and women. I knew both sides of the coin, which made me quite adept in simply everything. Honestly.
"Oh! I'm a virgin too, then!" She blurted out, then gasped and clutched her mouth with her little hands in embarrassment. Like I didn't know that. Dog-demons mate for life, I would have known if Inuyasha had taken her by now. They are also fiercely protective of their territory, something which then clued me into another doubt. Where was that hanyou? I didn't particularly fancy having this information I was divulging (involuntarily, I think) to Kagome regurgitated later in some offhand comment or joke. This information did not need to be spread around. I had a reputation to protect which serves me other purposes than simple diversion tactics.
"Where is the dog?" I whispered, using this poor excuse for an opportunity to move myself closer to her body. She smelled heavenly. But of course, they all smell heavenly. All those girls that steal your heart HAVE to smell heavenly, or it just wouldn't work. It's like a prerequisite or something. 'Smell heavenly? Check. Legs men want wrapped around them? Check. Cute outfits? Check. Innocent? Check. Beautiful eyes? Check. Strange but cute habits men love (like biting on your lip when you're concentrating—that is an overused one by these women you fall in love with)? Check. Endearing qualities? Check. Possibility for man to save you a lot or just protect you (or at least feel like he is protecting you)? Check. Virgin? Check. Modest? Check. Will not be afraid to hit "hentai's"? Check. Larger breasts than normal? Check. Strange colored hair or at least hair that shines? Check. ' That checklist would get any man. No wonder why I've succumbed. It was impossible, I tell you. That's what I'd say, if I was asked, 'Why do you love Kagome?' I'd answer, 'Because there was no choice in the matter. She followed the checklist. I mean, I have it here if you want to see it…' I think I'm losing it.
"Inuyasha said he wanted to check if there was a place to camp ahead. Shippou, Sango and Kiara went with him. He noticed you were lagging and started grumbling. Are you tired, Miroku-sama?" The stressed sama on my name suddenly stood out. That was what was missing. She hadn't been saying the sama! She considered me familiar enough to cut through the niceties and the formalities to call me by my first name alone! Abruptly, I turned to her and hugged her fiercely. This girl, this girl in my arms who is gently reciprocating my hug, this girl, this is the girl I love. Right here. Right here. I fell fast and hard. But I had no choice, right? I had to. She bites her lip. She is so innocent, so wonderful, so…Kagome. I buried my face in her neck and spun her around as she gripped my neck tighter and gasped. She made me so happy. It didn't matter anymore that she didn't love me. Right now, that didn't matter. Because suddenly, I knew she WOULD love me. Because she could. She could. No one felt the way I feel about her now. Because they couldn't. They didn't know. Because I didn't really know the extent of what I felt. I let her go gently for I sensed Inuyasha and Sango and the others returning. She looked stunned, almost puzzled at my outburst and perhaps the fact that I had mostly kept my hands to myself. Mostly. They had to feel that round, curvaceous under curve of her breast, really. It wasn't me, it was the checklist. I had to see. Larger breasts than normal? Check check and check.
So that was how they approached us. Kagome and I looking into each others eyes while I mentally checked her breasts one more time (one can never be too sure) and dragged my eyes towards the hanyou. I was too happy for words at the moment. Nothing was really as clear or as vibrant as it was then. I loved her. She could love me. She had saved me. This happiness overrode anything. With her by my side, I could accomplish what I needed to survive.
"Camp is right up here," Inuyasha pouted as he set out with Kagome in the lead. Sango stared at me for a while, the smile that could not be contained puzzling her, I'm sure. She gave me a sad, hurt look and I knew, I knew my suspicions were confirmed. I would have to talk to her now, now that I know for sure. I would have to explain. I would have to let her understand that I couldn't choose.
But for now, for now I didn't care, as I again brought up the rear. I didn't care. Stopping by the small stream I allowed myself to drink freely, feeling like I had never really tasted anything before this moment, that I've never really lived until this moment. I twined through the trees that provided the camp a bit of protection when I stopped. Of course, this feeling was not going to stay. Of course of course, life was unfair. How could I have forgotten so easily? How could I have even considered the notion whatsoever?
Kagome and Inuyasha laughed off in the distance, as he helped her to stand, bringing her a little closer to his body than necessary. The blush that stained both their cheeks was enough to know of the mutual affection present there. I should have known. I should have fucking known.
My heart thudded against my chest as I gripped the side of the tree. The bark bit into my hand, pinching the beads together. Even has the first drop of blood stained the side of cloth covering the part of my hand that actually was flesh, I couldn't turn away. It was the story of my life, really. Looking at her and him, it was perfect. Just like the kazaana preordained since birth, I was destined to be second best. I could not be a normal man; I had to be this, this second rate human who knows the plight of death that lies before him. Everything was second best. I could not become a doctor because I was destined to perform basic tasks with the hand that is cursed, my sacred beads jabbing into my hand as I gripped the knife. Even as a samurai, the grip on your sword must be free-flowing and skilled. According to my Master, one cannot be skilled in swordplay if you have a gaping hole three inches wide centered on your palm. With the Monk staff shoved in my hand, robes thrown upon my body, and poverty glaring me in the face, how could any woman hope to love a man such as myself? What could I give a woman except the pleasure of my company? And not even the full pleasure. I could only give them enough to satisfy the urge. I could never complete the act. I could never give my seed to someone I didn't…love. I found enough women to pass the time, but now I was here with this woman who could save me from all that, she could give me something better than sloppy seconds, I could have sloppy firsts. I could pave my own path with her and now I hit the biggest wall—HER love. Two paths diverged in Inuyasha's wood—which one shall our Heroine take? She doesn't even have to decide—she has been walking down that path since the beginning and I am left to watch her from cracks through the wall, the wonderwall of my life. I love her but my love is in vain just like my life. I live in vain for my kazaana grows each day. I live in vain for I am a destitute monk who offers no one anything except for my selfish wish to live. I live in vain for my unrequited love for Kagome hurts a woman who I cannot bring myself to love. I live in vain for a life that cannot be my own. I just thought that perhaps maybe, perhaps this time, she was gonna be the one that saves me.
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Review responses:
LadyMissymia: Yeah, I definitely agree. We all can lose our muses. But as for me being a supernatural genius, you are mistaken. I AM a genius. Just not supernatural (sigh). Kidding. But, yeah, Miroku is definitely under characterized. He is so darn interesting too!
Ilikesaddleshoes: Yeah…go Kagome and Miroku. (sigh)
FriendsForever247: Yeah, this is definitely Miroku/Kagome. I abhor Inuyasha/Kagome and Sango/Miroku…those canon straight-edged pairings are boring. I never write those.
Morbidity: It definitely was encouraging. Thanks a lot. I'm glad you like the characterization. He seems to mesh really well with my style of writing.
Suppis Tenshi: Hey darling. I'm glad you love yet another of my stories. I miss ya too…(pouts) AH! EMO KIDS! Miroku is such an emo kid. I think that's why I love him.
Kartoosh: Thanks, man.
Psychocynic: As always, your reviews are poignant and thought provoking. They also make me feel damn good. Food for thought is my favorite dish.
Rosin1: Bah to seduction. And jellied squid? I thought it sounded gross gross gross. I was just racking my brain for something that sounded of that era. Who knows if I got it right. Bah. But thanks, I really appreciate your review.
