"Nny what happened to you?" Ada exclaimed and rushed over to hold his battered face just as he entered the tattoo parlor early the next saturday.

Ragged he dropped his scrawny form into a chair weakly. "Fuck non-violence..." He murmered hatefully catching his breath desperately. "His god damn croonies got me in an alley."

Mike a tall medium built guy walked over. His bright pink hair fell over his eyes as he approached Johnny. "Someone beat you up in response to that fight you got into?" He put his hand on the boy's shoulder and looked him over his face creased with worry. "Can you follow my finger?"

He waved his hand in front of Johnny's face and made his eyes follow it up and down and all around. Nny followed it as best as he could, but his head hurt he wanted to lie down and not deal with this. He grabbed Mike's hand and halted it after a minute or two of that nonesense.

"Stop, you're making me dizzy." He demanded his voice had lost it's authority due to the pain in his head and face.

Ada bit her lip and looked at her two boys. "Should we take him to a hospital?" She directed the question at Mike who was about to respond but was briskly halted by Johnny.

"No." He stared at her. "I'll be fine, just give me a minute." But that didn't stop Ada from rushing off and coming back with a wet rag to wipe his blood from his face, which she did so diligently but almost in a panic.

As soon as Ada was done Johnny broke away from her as quickly as he could. He felt discomfited by the affectionate touching, the way she took care of him, he didn't like it. In fact he'd been startled by his own growing disgust in himself lately, he wasn't sure where it was coming from. But he had to reason that voice...that eerie terrifying voice he'd been hearing might have been playing a part.

He was very unsteady in his steps for a few minutes but as soon as he fell into the humdrum activity of his daily job routine he started gaining composure. He went to catalouging the backroom's stock, counting boxes and merchandise and making sure all that was on the check list was also on the shelves.

He figured this would be best since bright light was giving him a headache and the backroom was generally dark and quiet. He had to pause for a moment his eyes becoming unfocused in the poor lighting of the storage room. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

You could've taken them you know. Taken them all down, it would've been so easy and you would've walked away unscathed. Want to know how? Hehe it's simple really...

"Nny?"

He tensed slightly at the sound of someone else, terrified that it wasn't actually someone else. But it sounded familair, not at all like the unpleasant imaginary voice he'd been dealing with lately.

"You're not supposed to be back here." His words were devoid of any feeling.

"I know, but do you think I care? I want to talk to you. It seems lately I haven't been able to." The voice replied.

Mike came up behind him and put a hand on Nny's back, he cared for the kid like a younger brother and wanted Johnny to know that. "Something's been up with you recently...I mean what you did with that chair, that's some scary shit Nny-cap. What's bothering you man?"

Johnny turned around and balanced the clipboard on a shelf. He stared steadfastly at Mike who stood at eye level with him but somehow was much more authortive, at least in his mind. He shook his head and crumpled to the floor and rested his head in his hand.

"I...I don't know. I think I'm fucking losing it." Mike instinctively kneeled beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder to which Johnny rejected. He didn't want to be touched. He wanted to feel unparted because he felt dangerous and he never wanted to hurt Mike.

People hurt you Nny. They'll do it intentionally, they'll do it obliviously, they'll do it because they think they're better than you. Hurt them back, show them you're not a force to be fucked with.

"No...no Nny, you're just hitting a rough spot. You're stronger than that." Mike refuted gently his hazel eyes filled with worry and compassion.

"That's the fuck of it, isn't it Mike? I'm not stronger than that and you've always known it." Johnny's piercing empty stare actually made the older boy wince. "Who the fuck am I? I'm serious, I don't even know. Where did I come from, why am I here, and more importantly who are you people really? I'm so fucking confused!"

He sat there crumpled in the corner, his breathing growing erratic, his head splitting. If only he could make it stop, if only he could get a moment's peace. He wanted, he needed to stop time to take a step back and collect himself before everything spiraled into hell. Some silence, some solitude, anything before he lost control.

Feel that...that rage, that temptation. Wouldn't it be carthatic to draw someone else's blood for a change? Remember the feeling of power, of control when you shattered that chair over that idiot's head? You can have that, whenever you want it, just let go.

Johnny let out a primal scream and gripped his head. "Shut up! Fuck you! I won't, I won't!" He began ripping at his hair frantically completely lost in a different world, forgetting where he was and who he was with. "No! Fuck! No, no, no! You can't make me, you can't make me!"

DON'T RESIT ME JOHNNY! YOU CAN'T, YOU WON'T EVER ESCAPE WHO YOU ARE! SCREAM ALL YOU LIKE. IT'S NOT GOING TO END.

"Nny!" Mike cried and grabbed the boy's shoulders and shook him violently, shouting his name. "Johnny, Johnny C. listen to me, Nny snap out of it! Johnny!" Mike demanded desperately, terrified of the sporadic way in which the teenager tore at himself.

He gripped his shoulders tighter attempting to restrain his arms. Ada and Aubrey burst through the door in a panic upon hearing the screams. Mike shouted at them to call an ambulance while Johnny continued shrieking in his own terror and loathing. And in a single second Johnny all at once stopped screaming and ripping at his hair and skin and fell against Mike sobbing and shaking still completely unaware of what was happening.

His nails were coated in his blood and clumps of hair, he bled and sobbed into Mike's shirt. He didn't say a word, couldn't really, and all Mike could do was hold him in perplexment. He'd never seen anyone break down before, he'd seen people cry, but he'd never seen anyone disconnect with reality.

It was horrorfying. This wasn't the Johnny they knew.

--

Johnny awoke in a haze, his head was aching and his hand felt like it was caught in a vice. He opened one eye slowly and soon found the reason for the vice like feeling. He found Ada tightly gripping his hand and as soon as he locked eyes with her she gave him a wary smile.

He groaned at the sight of her, he didn't want to see her and he deffinately didn't want her to see him. He looked about him and realized he wasn't in his bed like he'd hoped he had been. He knew these sheets were too damn stale to be his own. He saw a tell tale IV in his arm and immedietely yanked it out in a hurry despite the pain and yanked his hand free of Ada's death grip before leaping up.

"Johnny what are you doing?" Ada hissed. "Where are you going?"

He grabbed his clothes and disappeared into the bathroom and when he didn't come back out it clicked in her head. She ripped at the door and threw it open only to see an open window and nothing more but the abandoned hospital gown. She rolled her eyes and took off out of the room and out of the hospital.

She knew trailing him would be difficult because he was so fast and even faster she imagined if he was trying to escape something. She'd lost sight of him a while ago but she had a pretty good idea on where he'd be. That was the thing about Johnny, he liked a sense of continuency in his otherwise chaotic life.

And she found him, sitting under a large twisted near dead oak tree overlooking the town on a cliff. He was bunched under the tree his chin resting on his arms that were poised on his knees.

"You're a terrible runner." He stated calmly his eyes not even looking at her.

She breathed deeply trying to catch her breath a smirk nearly crossed her face but the situation reminded her that his humor was not to be appreciated. Not now. "Johnny..." She began approaching him then sitting beside him in the dirt. "I want you to go back to the hospital."

"I'm not going back." He said quickly in response.

"You have to."

He looked at her darkly. "I don't have to do anything."

She sighed in frustrated then covered her face with her hand trying to get a grip. She knew Johnny had a deep set affection for her, but she could never convince him to do anything he didn't want to. "I want you to, I think you need a psychological evaluation."

"Why? Because I'm crazy? Is that what you think?" He questioned ruthelessly venom dripping from every word his eyes turned her insides cold.

"No, because you're killing yourself." She responded seriously her eyes were fierce and pain filled. "I don't want to watch you self-destruct...I can't." She dropped beside him.

He smirked. "Come on, I had one freak out, that's not fatal."

"No? You're body was under so much stress that they had to sedate you, or risk you going into shock and dying. Not to mention the self-mutilation, god damn it Nny I watched you claw yourself." She dropped her arms onto her thighs and let her hands dangle out of her lap. "I don't want to see that."

"Then turn away, like everyone else." Nny seethed staring at her coldly. "No one is making you stay, so fucking get out of my life if you don't like it."

She put a hand on his shoulder warily. "You're right no one is making me stay, I want to be your friend 'cause I like you. I like being your friend, I like talking to you, and I only want to see you live a fufilling life. And I hope that your feelings for me haven't exaberated your stress in any way."

"You know?" She nodded. "Doesn't matter those feelings are irrelevant and childish at best. No...I don't know why my head is such a mess lately, just...thoughts...I don't know, they've just being running rampant is all."

He looked away, he still wanted her, the thought of her was ever present in his mind, her radiance lingered in his thoughts. He knew just knew no matter what he did she'd always be someone eles' girl. Just to know her might be all he'll ever have and part of him was willing to take that.

She paused and looked at him inwardly wincing, just remembering the look of blind fear and raw rage on his face. "We all have different ways of dealing with shit in life, Mike and I are fucking stupid we use drugs and I know you hate that. You know getting high, tripping, or being drunk it only works for a while...it's not a path I want you to ever take."

Ada swallowed hard. "Still though it must be a lot to deal with, you're graduating in a few weeks, Rick is kicking you out of the room above the store and you must have no idea where to go. I mean money's tight, you've got no family to speak of, and you're at that age where you actually need to start making a path for your life."

He looked at her skeptically. "You know, you're not helping."

"Nny why don't you just move in with Mike and me?" She asked but he shook his head vigourously.

He pushed her hand off his shoulder. "No, that's not a good idea. Just, no." Johnny stood up slowly still feeling the faded effects of the sedatives used on him, he stumbled a little but used the tree's trunk as a good balance. He leaned against it then stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared out at the city under the gray cloud of the afternoon.

"Can I take you back to the hospital now?" Ada asked as she stood and walked to be by his side.

"No." He replied his voice firm.

She grabbed his arm and clung to it desperately. "Please Nny, I'm really worried, not just about your mental state but your physical state as well. Let me help you."

"Help me? Then leave me, don't mention a hospital or pyschiatric help, don't bring this up. Let's just put this behind us, I'll be fine now. In fact I'm feeling better already." He looked at her and smiled. "Now can I have some alone time?"

She looked at him sadly. "You're a wonderful guy Nny and-"

He turned abruptly and stared at her coldly. "If I'm so wonderful then why am I so misunderstood?" He asked harshly she drew back and was silenced by the question.

For once in her life she had nothing to say. Ada shook her head, sighed, then dejectedly walked away leaving Nny alone on the cliffside completely to himself. Which she would never know was a mistake. But she trusted him and his judgements something he never trusted himself with.

Put your trust in me...in time you can finally feel that sweet release you so desperately need.

--

"Hey um Johnny, it's a been two weeks and I'm not expecting you to go back to work anytime soon...but Ada's been asking."

Johnny was sitting on the floor of the tiny living room in his apartment above the Tattoo Store, even with living above his workplace he still managed to avoid Ada and Mike altogether. The tiny four roomed home was perfect for him but by now was completely littered with artwork, sprawled about everywhere.

Rick was in his late fourties, he had once been very muscular but had slowly lost his mass with age. He had gray brow hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and he was covered in tattoo's, fitting for him really, since he did own a tattoo shop. He looked as though he ran in a motorcycle gang, but was too mellow.

"Tell her to stop asking." He responded never looking up from his latest creation, his paintbrush poised delicately over the canvas, carefully deciding his next move in the sporadic looking painting.

The man took a step forward then immedietely backwards in realizing he had nearly crushed a painting on the floor. He picked it up and studied the fine work, the entire apartment was covered in these things. "You sure as hell throw yourself into these huh?"

"It's carthatic." Johnny replied.

"Ever considered being a tattoo artist? You'd be very good at it." Rick offered but got no response not even a shift in body position. He decided that was his answer, Johnny wasn't interested.

Rick stared at him. "Look kid I'm sorry, I really don't want to kick you out, since you're such a great worker and a loyal tennant, but my daughter doesn't have no one to take care of her and the baby since her dead-beat boyfriend left her all alone. She needs somewhere to live...and I'm sorry kid. I didn't want to stress you out, I mean you lived here for four years."

Johnny finally looked up. "It's alright. I'm old enough to make it out on my own, I've got to learn somehow. Now may I have some quiet, I want to finish this."

"Sure thing kiddo." Rick left, no longer wanting to converse or apologize anymore then Johnny did.

Naive. They'll believe anything so long as it helps them sleep better.

Nny frowned. "Shh...I'm concentrating."


I'm tired.