Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters that you may recognize from the HP books/movies. I own nothing, my friends.

Note: This plot is very loosely based on a commercial I saw for the ABC television show "What About Brian?" I have only seen a commercial, not the show, so the plot in the trailer (for the show) I saw belongs to ABC and the writers. Remember, loosely based!

What About James?

Summery: When all of your friends are paired up except you, and you feel like a cockroach cluster surrounded by bon bons, life can be pretty tough. Especially when you find yourself falling for your best mate's girl. POV of James

Just a Tad Strange

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Peter was not good-looking. He was not funny. He was…kind of a total bore. Okay, I know I'm talking about one of my best mates here, but is it not completely obvious that there is some conspiracy against me when Peter Pettigrew has a girlfriend and I don't?!?

Thinking of Peter for motivation, it should not be hard to get a girlfriend. But, oh, it is! Well, I take that back. It's just hard to get a girl that fits what I want - sweet, funny, caring, pretty, smart, and will laugh at my stupid jokes. Sirius has since told me that trying to accomplish just that last factor would be a miracle. I hope he knows I can turn water into wine!

…Really.

Anyway, sometimes I think Charlotte only goes out with Peter because she pities him and it makes her feel like a true humanitarian. I know it's wrong to think all this about my best mate and his girlfriend, but she doesn't eat meat, has about 12 adopted sons in Ethiopia, sends letters to big companies telling them to lay off the animal cruelty, and has actually built and piped a house for a group of the homeless. She has also made a poor, chubby lad extremely happy. Maybe it's just something else to check off her list?

They are kind of a cute couple I guess. It just seems to me they're more really good friends. The kissing is always on Peter's part, and if mine eyes deceive me, Charlotte is always the one to withdraw. Well, whatever.

Charlotte is so kind I sometime wonder how Peter can stand it, since whenever he sneaks pumpkin pasties from the kitchens, us three back in the dorm never even see them, let alone have a taste. They're too different.

Although, opposites attract, right? It's just… a tad strange.

In my quest to woo fair maiden, Remus has given me a clipboard with the names of all eligible ladies from years five and up, because I am not a cradle robber nor a girlfriend stealer.

Wait – am I a girlfriend stealer? No of course not – I only want to be a girlfriend stealer.

As I was saying with the clipboard, Remus has a lot of time on his hands. He's a nice guy though, could have been snogging his girlfriend, and instead, compiled this list for me.

Oops I forgot. Remus doesn't snog.

But anyway.

At breakfast, I brought said clipboard as Remus walked slowly next to me, giving me encouraging pointers. For example:

"James, don't make that farting noise with your armpit." ("But Sirius thinks it's funny!" "Are we trying to attract Sirius?")

"James, don't eat the hot wings today. You get orange gunk all over your face."

"James, your sweater is inside out."

"James, I like your choice of button-down, it contrasts nicely with your tweed blazer. It's very effective."

We all know that's my goal. Effectiveness.

As we neared the table, Remus sat next to Anne who sat next to Lily who sat next to Sirius who sat next to thin air which was on the opposite side of Charlotte who sat next to Peter who sat next to some odd bloke with funny ears who sat next to…his friends. Which left, no room for Mr. James Potter.

Yessssss. Perfect.

"Oh James, I'm sorry, normally I only save a seat for Remus, I guess I just…sort of…forgot about you…" trailed off Anne, echoing the sentiments of the entire table.

"Erm, it's all right…I'll go sit with – " I hastily looked around searching for an egress. "Amos Diggory! He's a good man, good choice of Quidditch team for the world cup." This was, of course, the only thing I liked about Diggory. Well, combined with the fact there was a seat next to him.

"James, that's the only thing you like about Diggory. Combined with the fact that there's a seat next to him," said Sirius logically.

I glared at him. He was right, but I, a man, defender of masculinity in general, could feel myself blushing.

I could also feel that familiar knot in my stomach I got when I thought of losing my best friends.

I don't remember what I muttered, but I shoved the clipboard at Remus and stomped away in embarrassment.

I heard Anne ask Remus what was written on the clipboard, and I heard her giggle as he whispered the answer to her.

I tried my hardest to keep from blushing redder. I was a man, for Merlin's sake!

I finally reached my destination next to Amos, muttered a hello, and tried my best to pretend I only wanted to talk about the upcoming Gryffindor – Hufflepuff Quidditch match, even though there was no need to talk of it, we were going to smoke them, no doubt.

I soon found myself alone in the dorm. I wanted to punch my pillow into shreds. I wanted to punch everyfemale alive into shreds (except maybe Cassy Sorcena from Squibs in the City. Ohh baby!) But most of all, I wanted my mother. Or a girlfriend. One of those.

I couldn't ask anyone out. I just couldn't. I was in love with another girl! What was I going to do – snog her with my eyes closed?

Well actually, most people do that.

This might work.

NO. I wouldn't betray my love…who belonged to someone else.

Curses. Foiled again.

All right. I would think of a rational plan. By myself. No interference.

I hated interference. Out at Hogwarts, the magical transmissioner that which I hear the Muggles call a radio, does not give great sound. Just another thought to make my day three more liters of suck.

If you know, it's possible to measure suckness in liters.

Anyway.

I had a plan. I was going to lie in my bed and sulk. Then, I was going to watch Squibs in the City. And after that, I was going to review the list of possible girlfriends and decide if I should really remain chaste…

I mean, chaste as in being single or not.

And if that didn't work out, I was going to sulk more while thinking of a more rational plan. Such as eating loads of cookie dough.

I think Sirius told me once this is what girls do when they break up with him.

I'll have to tell Sirius it's not just girls who're depressed when he dumps them.