Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or the characters. All I own is a character I made up (Officer Fuku) and this story.
Quick Joke: What happened to the China-man who walked into a wall with a boner? He smashed his nose. HAHAHA!!!
The Brotherhood: Half Baked
Chapter 3: To the Tendos'! Drugs Disallowed?!
Four months. Four long months of getting used to these curses. Four painfully long months of walking around as lost as Ryoga. Of course, two of those months were spent trying to find the lost boy who mysteriously 'disappeared'. He really had no sense of direction at all. Trying to find him was like trying to find a needle in one of ten thousand haystacks, which is of course impossible. Luckily he found us. The travels we endured were harsh to say the least, especially the incident that occured at the Joketsuzoku Tribe. That really sucked. From there we were chased around by some maniac chick until we fled China and went back to Japan. Now we are in a ghetto-like area, where cops rarely patrol the streets. Stupid pigs.
Ranma discontinued his thoughts when it started raining. 'Ugh, great,' he thought. He felt the now familiar tingly sensation of changing into his girl form and groaned. She was waiting for her father to finish up with a deal he was making, because they ran out of weed a few days ago and the shrooms were getting way too intense. The pigtailed girl sighed and turned to pick up a certain black piglet, but to her dismay, Ryoga stood there with his umbrella in hand.
"That ain't fair!" she barked at him jealously.
"What? Just because I have an umbrella and you don't, you don't gotta get all jealous!" Ryoga snapped.
"I'm not jealous!" Ranma-chan shot back while kicking the lost boy's umbrella out of his hands. A split second later, he was a little black piglet under a pile of clothes, squealing angrily. Ranma smirked, satisfied with her work, and put all of Ryoga's clothes in her backpack. She stole his umbrella and hummed a tune from Rob Zombie.
After some intense bweeing, Ryoga was about to lunge at Ranma-chan when Genma stepped out of the house, changing into a giant panda.
The old man stared at the girl and the pig, then grinned a massive grin. He opened the backpack he was holding and showed the contents to the two. They both smiled brightly at the sight of weed, mushrooms, some hash and the still unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. It was like staring into a treasure chest full of gold and jewels. Oh yes, today would be fun.
Ranma-chan picked up the black piglet, and they strolled down the street. The three came across a shelter in an old, abandoned house and decided to stay there until the rain died down. They entered and sat on the creeking floor. Genma-panda started rolling up a huge four by four joint. He only had three papers left afterwards, but he decided it would be worth sixteen of them right now. After carefully sealing all of the papers together, he sprinkled a huge amount of weed on top of them. Ranma-chan and the lost piglet stared in awe as Genma shaped the joint, rolled it up and sealed it. It was huge, as long as a ruler and as wide as a can of soda. It looked kind of pregnant though, because Genma couldn't roll as well when he was a panda.
After rolling the cannon joint, Genma decided not to put a filter in it because it would be to much trouble. He clinched the ends up to a point, and handed the joint to Ranma-chan to spark it up. She did so, and took a massive puff. When she inhaled, she coughed wildly. Her lungs weren't as used to the weed when she was a girl, so it really tickled inside. After taking a smaller toke, she handed the joint to the panda and blew the smoke at Ryoga. The little pig inhaled a little bit and choked out some bwees.
As Genma toked, he smirked inwardly. When he was a panda, his weed buzz was enhanced a lot. It was like starting drugs all over again. He figured it must be the same with the other two as well, because they acted as messed up as he did when they were cursed and stoned at the same time. He blew the smoke at the piglet, and again it coughed as it inhaled the thick smokey fumes.
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Fuku was pissed, royally pissed. He had threatened a few more druggies into telling him where the trouble makers went, including the Jusenkyo Guide, and now he learned that they were back in Japan. What a waste of time!
He stood beside his cruiser and became more frustrated. He really wanted to use his new Martial Arts Police Academy training against the two teens and that old man, to show them who was boss. "Those FUCKERS!!!" he screamed, pounding his fist into the road. It cracked open several meters away.
"Calm down," said Yamato, who was leaning against the cruiser, "we'll find them. You can't get all worked up about it now."
Fuku tried desperately to force the anger down. "You're.. You're right. We might as well continue the hunt." He turned around, tilting his head to either side to pop the bones in his neck. "I'll get those little bastards if it takes me my whole life."
Yamato gave him a disapproving look after they both got back into the cop car. He wanted to tell Fuku how crazy and stupid he was acting over all of this, but he remained silent for his own reasons. After Fuku turned the key, the two sped away in the cruiser.
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Soun Tendo stared intently at the postcard he had just received. No, there was no doubt about it, this was definitely his best friend's, Saotome's, writing. The sloppy, barely legible writing said:
'Deer Tendo, it's your old budy Genma Saotome. Me and my my my boy just finished a extremly long training trip, and are on our wey to your dojo. I hope your dauters are doing well. By the wey, have you told them of our engajement plans? I'm shure they will be happy to kno that Ranma is a very well manered, helthy young man. Until we meet, Tendo.'
Yup, definitely Saotome. No one else would ever spell way 'wey', or put three my's in a row without noticing. Tears of joy poured down the old man's face. He rushed back inside to call his daughters at once.
"Kasumi! Nabiki! ...Akane!" he shouted. When none of them came, he hunted them all down and the three sat at the dining table, wondering why their father looked so happy.
"What's this all about, daddy?" inquired Nabiki, the middle Tendo daughter.
"My daughters," Soun started, trying his best not to wail, "Today, one of you will get a fiance."
"Fiance?!" the three girls chorused in unison. (Then they had the conversation that they had in the anime, I'm kinda too stoned right now to repeat it.)
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The rain had died down, and the three stoners were back on the road. Ranma stumbled back and forth on the road while he hauled on one of Genma's cigarettes and inhaled. Her eyes were crimson red, and her pupils were dialated to the point where her blue eyes were almost pure black. She giggled out a drug-enhanced laugh and faltered into her father before continuing down the road.
Ranma-chan decided that travelling long distances wasn't so bad when you were doped the fuck out of your mind. In his girl form, weed was so much more potent. They had several chances to use hot water, but decided against it, exept for Ryoga who couldn't handle the intense buzz in his pig form. They learned that when they changed, their high would disappear. Until they changed back, that is. Just like the time at the Joketsuzoku Tribe when they all changed back to their normal selves, and their shroom buzz kicked in twice as powerful as it was before. What a horrid day that was, especially for Ryoga.
Once again her thoughts were interupted, this time by her panda-father's 'Growf'. The large black and white beast held up a sign. It read [We're here]. Ranma-chan saw a wooden sign on a large wall, it read 'Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling'.
"What's this place? A dojo?" Ryoga asked.
Genma held up a sign. [Weren't you lissening to my story?]
"No," both Ranma-chan and the lost boy said.
[WHY WEREN'T YOU LISSENING!] another sign read.
"Ya can't talk ya moron!" Ranma-chan countered. Genma widened his eyes in realization when he remembered he was a panda. He slumped his head forward and held up another sign. [Ranma, you are engajed,] then another sign, [and your fiancay is incide this house.]
"At least learn ta spell ya jerk," Ranma-chan mumbled. The panda growled at the girl, but then quickly ushered her through the gate towards the Tendo residence. Ryoga followed from behind. "HEY! I never approved of this 'engagement'!" the stoner martial artist growled.
Genma ignored his son, currently daughter, and shoved him to the door, then knocked seven times in a kind of tune. They heard a voice from inside.
"THATS SAOTOME'S KNOCK!" said a familiar voice, to Genma anyways. Almost immediately the door shot open to reveal a man with long black hair and a girl with short brown hair. The panda took one step forward and the two Tendos zoomed back down the hall as quickly as they arrived.
Ranma started to turn around to leave from the embarrassment of the situation, but her father picked her up and slung her over his shoulder, then started down the hall. Ryoga again followed from behind. They took their place in front of the Tendos, where the panda set Ranma-chan down and the fanged boy walked up beside her.
"Daddy.. are these friends of yours?" the short haired girl asked in a state of shock. The father shook his head rapidly. "Then what is a panda doing here?!" He just shook his head harder.
After almost a minute, Soun regained his composure. He looked at Ranma-chan, then to Ryoga. He pointed at the lost boy. "Are you... Ranma Saotome?" he wondered out loud. The boy shook his head and pointed to the girl beside him, who was swaying back and forth, tranced out in her buzz.
"That's Ranma," he said.
"Yeah, I'm Ranma Saotome.. sorry 'bout this," she concluded.
"RANMA!! HOW I'VE LONGED TO SEE YOU!!!" Soun yelped loudly as he grabbed the girl in a tight bear hug. The girl jumped slightly, startled by the man's actions, and her pigtail shot straight up in the air. As Soun hugged her, he felt two large mounds pressing into his stomach. He squeezed her lightly a few times, and recognized what they were. The old man grabbed her by the shoulders, pushed her back a little and turned to Ryoga. "Err.. are you sure you're not Ranma?"
"I'm Ryoga Hibiki," the lost boy responded. Soun turned back to the red head in utter shock, then Nabiki looked down at the girls chest, noticing it for the first time. She prodded one of her breasts gently with a finger.
"She's one hundred percent female, daddy," the girl said, annoyance and disappointment apparent in her voice.
"Uhh, could you.. not do that?" asked Ranma-chan, feeling very awkward. The panda from behind just laughed at her. Soun was in a renewed state of shock, as he passed out on the floor.
After the six people introduced themselves, they gathered around an unconcious Soun, who was now on a futon with a warm cloth in his forehead. Akane glared at Ryoga, not liking the presence of a boy in the house. Soun stirred in his slumber, and his eyes cracked open against the bright day light.
"Oh, father! You've awakened!" Kasumi said, her voice as pleasant as always.
"What's the meaning of this, daddy?" Nabiki asked, "If he isn't Ranma," she said, pointing to Ryoga, "then how can 'she' be?" Ranma winced when the short haired girl said 'she'.
"Saotome said he was blessed with a boy," Soun mumbled, dumbfounded about the whole situation.
"Does this look like a boy to you?!" Nabiki complained, grabbing Ranma-chan's chest. The red head blushed furiously.
"C-could you please stop doing that?" she stammered.
"Yeah sis," Akane butted in, "A guest is a guest right?" Nabiki sighed and withdrew her hand. Akane turned and looked into Ranma's eyes. "Greetings, I'm Akane," she said with a happy nod. "Wanna be friends?"
Ranma didn't know what feeling it was that sparked up inside of her, but she liked it. At first she thought it was friendship, but she didn't feel that way around Ryoga. She decided to ignore it for now, and just nod, because the weed was enhancing her feelings too much.
"Great!" the raven haired girl chirped, "Wanna see our dojo?" Ranma once again nodded, and they took off towards the dojo, leaving Ryoga and Genma behind. Then the panda left to look for the bathroom to change back to his normal self, leaving Ryoga behind with the three remaining Tendos.
There was an awkward silence for a few minutes, then Kasumi turned to the lost boy. "Oh my! Where are my manners? Would you like some tea?" she asked with a radiant smile.
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"You study Kenpo, right?"
"Yeah," Ranma-chan replied as she entered the dojo, "a little."
"Wanna have a match?" the other girl asked him, "For fun I mean."
"Uhh.. okay," Ranma returned with a smirk. She stood ready as Akane took a fighting stance.
"Okay.. Ready, GO!" she yelled as she threw a right hook. Ranma ducked under it with ease, and propped back up. Akane threw another two punches, but the pigtailed girl dodged to either side of them. The raven haired girl executed a kick to Ranma-chan's head, but she just leaned backwards and let Akane's foot hit air. A few unsuccessful punches later, Akane began to get mad. 'Okay, this time for real,' she said mentally.
"Here I come!!" she shouted, sprinting towards Ranma-chan. The red haired girl backpeddaled until she hit the wall, then leapt over Akane's punch, used the wall as a springboard and somersaulted over the other girl's head, landing behind her. Ranma-chan smirked and poked the back of Akane's head.
Akane turned around. Ranma started laughing lightly, although most of it was caused by the sweet marijuana. The raven haired girl then laughed as well, and said, "You're pretty good!"
"Thanks," Ranma-chan replied.
"No problem. I'm just glad you're a girl.'
"W-whaddya mean?" Ranma studdered.
"Well.." Akane started, "I just couldn't stand losing to a boy." She turned and started to leave the dojo, then stopped abruptly. "Oh yeah, and tell your friend Ryoga not to come near me," she said almost acidly, leaving a bewildered Ranma behind. 'This might get ugly,' the stoner noted mentally.
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Fuku drove aimlessly around the ghetto-like town, looking for the three 'mother fuckers.' After checking an abandoned house, the officer and his partner found some huge ashes and panda prints in the dust. They had been smashing down every door to every house in the run-down town, demanding a Genma Saotome. The two had no luck until they came across a house with similar panda prints in the muddy grass lawn. Fuku smashed the door in with his foot.
"Where's Genma Saotome?!" he demanded, Yamato jumping to his side.
"Fuckin' 5-O runnin' up in mah house like some kinda sewer rats? You'se gonna die, foo's!" shouted a tiny, scrawny man with lots of golden and silver jewelry, in a high-pitched voice. "Ge-it dem motha fuckas!"
Without warning three huge men dove out of no where in front of the cops. The first one weilded a thick aluminum baseball bat. The second man had a chain wrapped around both of his hands, and he grinned sinisterly at the officers. The third guy, easily the largest of them all, had a long scimitar. The three stared at the cops for a second, then rushed.
Fuku went directly towards the third guy. "You get the other two, Yamato, this one's mine." The younger man acknowledged and zoomed for the two smaller men. As soon as he got into the frey, he was forced to go on the defensive. He dodged two punches from the second man, the ducked under a massive swing from the first man's baseball bat. The first man couldn't stop the momentum of his swing, so he accidently smashed his partner's face in. There was a sickening crunch from his jaw before he collapsed on the ground. Yamato threw five lightning fast punches, each landing on the other man's chest.
The larger man stumbled back, leaning slightly on his baseball bat. Yamato took the opportunity to throw a front snap kick to his mouth. He narrowly missed by centimeters because the other guy leaned backwards. Collecting himself quickly, the man with the baseball bat charged forward and swung the bat at Yamato's head. The younger man ducked it easily, and leapt forward with a huge punch to the face, sending the first man flying to his back. As Yamato caught his breath, he felt a sharp pain drive into his shoulder blade. He stumbled forwards, almost falling, then turned around to see the second man trying to jump him. He ignored the pain in his back as he started parrying some rapid punches. One made it through, and it knocked the wind out of him as the chain drove into his chest.
"That's gonna leave a bruise," Yamato sneered, his temper rising. He ducked under another two punches aimed for his head, then executed a reverse roundhouse and double thrust side kick combo to the man's already broken jaw. Before the poor guy with chains could even start to fall, Yamato uppercutted his chin and sent him flying into the wall. Just when he did that, he heard a familiar swooshing from behind. Without even turning, Yamato raised his hand and caught the baseball bat that was about to collide into his skull.
He turned around and lifted the first man up, using the bat, then flung him over his head. The guy flipped over Yamato and landed on his back. The rookie cop dropped the bat and jumped high into the air, then launched himself off the ceiling for a finishing knee drop. His knee connected with the first man's chest, obviously breaking a few ribs by the snapping noise that they emitted. The first man's eyes rolled into the back of his skull and he passed out. Yamato looked towards the second man, and was glad to see that he wouldn't get up.
When Fuku got to his opponent, he ducked under the other man's sword, then with cheetah-like speed (for his size), landed twelve punches in a row into the third man's gut. He stumbled back a bit, then swung the scimitar towards Fuku's neck. Fuku ducked it, so he quickly tried to stab him through the heart. The officer dodged off to the side, letting the sword fly passed his chest. More precisely, his man-boobies.
Without hestitation, the cop locked the man's arm in the crook of his elbow and threw a well aimed palm strike at his face. It connected as Fuku let go of his arm, and the mountain of muscle stumbled backwards, falling on his back.
In renewed rage, the guy with the sword jumped back up and charged forward, swinging his scimitar randomly. The fat cop dodged, ducked, or jumped over the swings while he ran backwards. The huge man sliced a small gash in the cop's cheek, then excecuted a downward swing that could easily slice a tree in half. Fuku concentrated on the blade and before it could touch him, he slapped both hands on it, stopping it in it's tracks.
The cop then snapped the blade in half, and stepped back with the top part still in his palms. He directed it at the thug, thrusted it forwards violently and pushed it through the man's left shoulder, ripping his deltoid apart.
"YYYAAAAGGH!!" the swordsman screamed, yanking it out. After letting the blade drop, he put his free hand over the deep cut and glared at the cop, hostility obvious in his eyes. Fuku stared back, a mischevious grin on his face.
"What? Done already?" he asked mockingly, wiping some of the blood off his cheek. The man charged with a loud battle cry and tried to kick Fuku. Yawning, The officer easily jumped over his leg, and landed a stomping kick to the muscled man's shoulders, using every ounce of his weight to his advantage. Blood spurted out of the third thug's left shoulder, causing him to wail in pain and stumble forward in dizziness as Fuku jumped off him. Because of the steady amount of blood loss, he finally slipped into unconciousness.
Fuku looked for the scrawny man, and saw him in a headlock via Yamato. The police man walked casually over to the little thug and stared at him.
"You saw what we did to your friends. Tell us where Genma Saotome is, and we'll let you live," Fuku threatened.
"Aie! Aie! You lil' bastids'! You ain't gon' git away wit'--" the scrawny man's rant was cut off by a sharp punch to the gut.
"Shut up and tell us where Genma is," Fuku commanded. "I don't have time for your prissy bullshit."
"Agh.. ugh.. he said he's gon' go to some.. fucked up Nerima call-ed place," the small man choked out, "he said some sheeit about.. Tendo and Martial Arts 'n' stuff, an' took off. Yo, you two po-lice betta go after 'im.. or somefin."
Yamato tossed him to the ground. The next thing the scrawny drug dealer heard was sirens wailing and tires squealing.
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Ryoga sipped his tea delicately, as Soun and himself faced eachother at the dining table.
"So... that's how it was," Soun mumbled between sips.
"Uh huh," Ryoga finished, just as Genma entered the room, carrying his backpack.
"So you're the panda?" he asked.
"Err, yeah," Genma replied, now sober. "Ryoga explained it to you?"
"Indeed."
Genma sat down next to Ryoga and opened his bag, pulling out the aged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Cheers, Tendo?"
Soun smirked, and replied, "Cheers, Saotome." Soun went and grabbed some glasses for Genma and himself, then returned with a smirk. Ryoga looked a little disappointed, but he didn't really care. The bald stalky man filled both his and Soun's glass, then they tapped their glasses together in cheers. Suddenly, there was a loud screaming from upstairs, and footsteps, running like mad. Akane zoomed passed the screen door, then entered the living room. She grabbed the table and placed it over her head in a beating position. Luckily the alcohol was caught.
"I'm gonna beat him to a pulp!" she screeched.
"What's the meaning of this, Akane?" Soun inquired, staring at his youngest daughter.
"There's a molester in our bath!" she yelled.
"That's odd. I thought Ranma was in there right now," Kasumi said, entering the room. Ryoga instantly snickered, trying not to burst out laughing.
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" she screamed at Ryoga more then asked. Then, the black haired, pigtailed martial artist himself appeared from the screen door.
"I'm Ranma Saotome... Sorry 'bout this," he muttered. Akane nearly dropped the table on herself.
After Genma and Ranma reintroduced themselves, they explained the whole Jusenkyo situation. They left out the part about Ryoga being a pig, because they both knew the embarrassment of it all.
"There there son, your problem isn't so bad," Soun said. Ranma gave him a quizzicle look. "This is Kasumi, my eldest daughter. She's nineteen.. This is Nabiki, my second daughter. She's seventeen.. And this is Akane, my third daughter, she's sixteen. Choose any one you want, and she'll be your fiance."
"It's settled then," Kasumi blurted out.
"Akane will be Ranma's fiance," Nabiki added.
"Wh.. what? I don't want to marry a pervert like him!" Akane shouted.
"Who're you callin' a pervert?!" Ranma shouted back.
"You, you pervert!" she snapped back. Genma and Soun laughed as they continued to rant and fight.
The end of the fight resulted with Ranma having a sore cheek. Now, Ryoga, Genma and himself sat in their room. Ryoga was rolling a doobie while Ranma was rubbing his sore cheek. The bandanna-clad boy added the finishing touch, tightening each end into a Jamaican-style doob. He lit it up and inhaled the smoke with a fangy grin.
"So," Ryoga started between puffs, "what yer sayin' is we can't smoke drugs, or even act like we're on drugs as long as we're around the Tendos?"
"That's exactly what I'm sayin'," Genma replied, receiving the joint.
"Jeez, that's fucked," Ranma mumbled. Genma took a few more tokes and passed the joint to his son, who was more then happy to attempt to get away from the pain on his face. Smoke began to settle everywhere.
"Heh heh heh, you know what'd be funny?" Ryoga said, looking at Genma.
"Wut?" the stalky man replied.
"If Fuku was still chasin' us." The three laughed out loud for a while, and Ranma passed the joint back to Ryoga, exhaling the herbal smoke.
"Yeah, that'd be a trip 'n' a half," Ranma muttered through a grin.
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"DAMN IT WHERE THE FUCK IS NERIMA?!?!" Fuku shouted at a sign that read 'Osaka'. "ACHOOO!!!"
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"We should go on shrooms," Genma mumbled, taking the joint again.
"Yah right pops, then we wouldn't be able to sleep," Ranma countered. Genma exhaled the smoke in Ranma's face, and smirked.
"Who needs sleep?" he questioned, looking between Ranma and Ryoga.
"Not you," Ryoga said, "Yer so lazy you'd prolly sleep through all of tomorrow." Genma laughed at this as he passed the doob back to Ranma. All of a sudden there was a loud knocking on the door, and the three paused in total paranoia.
"Hey! Why is there smoke coming from your door??" Soun asked, still pounding.
"Umm uhh.. Nothin' to worry about Tendo!" Genma babbled, sweat pouring down his cheek.
"And what's that smell?!" he shouted, trying to open the locked door, "What are you guys doing in there?!"
Ranma panicked and threw the joint at Ryoga, who sadly caught it by the cherry and flung it away. Then Ryoga got an idea.
"We're burning an insence burner!" he tried.
"....Oh," Soun mumbled, seeming to accept it. They heard footsteps going down the hall, then Genma turned around to see a small fire on his packback from the doobie.
"OH NO, THE DRUGS!!!!" he yelled. Ranma and Ryoga turned and their eyes went wide as they saw a strap from the backpack on fire. Ranma and Ryoga jumped towards it and started stomping it, and they heard footsteps running back.
"What was that you said?!" Soun asked coldly.
"Er.. I.. I said.." he said, trying to think quickly. Genma turned just in time to see the backpack get thrown across the room, spreading the fire onto his futon.
"Oh shit," he mumbled, getting up to help the boys. They all stomped on the fire, attempting to put it out. They stomped hard, but it seemed to spread like an STD.
"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON IN THERE?!" Soun yelled, pounding on the door, "HOW MANY INSENCE BURNERS DO YOU GOT IN THERE, FIFTY?!"
"No no!! Just a couple-- and, I said squish the bug!" Genma blurted as Ranma opened a window. Ryoga finally managed to get the fire out.
"....Oh," again, the old man bought it. They heard the footsteps go back down the hall, and they all sighed in utter relief. Then Ryoga perked up.
"...THAT WAS TRIPPY!" he exclaimed.
"Fuckin' right!" Ranma cried. The pigtailed boy stopped, inhaled the smokey air and sighed. "Hmm hmm, that's some good weed." He looked to Ryoga who must've been thinking the same thing, because his eyes were slitted as thin as paper. Genma checked the backpack, and was happy to know that only four grams of weed and a gram of hash were demolished in the flames.
After the smoke cleared somewhat, they all plopped themselves on their futons and tried to drift off to sleep, waiting for the next day to come. Ranma smiled as the happy weed buzz crawled about inside of him, and he closed his eyes, passing out from all the smoke he inhaled instead of actually going to sleep willingly.
END chapter 3.
