Authoress' Notes: May contain a slight spoiler for SSE, but it's very minor. And am I the only one who thought this after seeing Pokey/Porky? Probably, lol.
What Goes On
Chapter 3: Spider Pig Attacks!
Elsewhere...
"Gah... Bored."
A large mechanical spider leg kicked an empty can as its driver made his way through New Pork City. "Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored..."
He kept kicking the can down the road until its clanking finally pissed him off.
"Damn it! I'M BOOOOORED!" With that, he threw the can into the air and sliced it in half. Its family and friends were devastated and the funeral was short.
Irritated, Porky pushed a button, uh, on himself. "Señor ShnuggleButt Fluffykins! Get out here now!"
In a poof of red smoke, the Ultimate Chimera appeared. "¿Qué?"
"Oh, I'm soooooooooo bored... Go brutally murder someone for my amusement."
"Sí, Rey Porky."
He then promptly attacked a random, unimportant pedestrian. Blood and guts spewed everywhere, with random organs occasionally landing Porky's spider machine. As a kidney splattered on the glass, he picked it up with a mechanical leg and scowled at it.
"I've killed este hombre for you, Rey Porky. Are you satisfecho?"
"Neh... No. No, I'm just not feeling it. No, this isn't working." He threw the kidney at Fluffykins, who happily shredded it to pieces. "Man, I'm just SO bored! There's nothing to do, no one to fight, and the residents don't even try to run from you anymore!"
"Maybe it's because they are realizing that the escape is impossible, Rey Porky."
He pouted. "Aw, just shut your oversized trap and go get that kid over there. ...I want fresh meat."
"Sí, Rey Porky." And the little kid's guts flew as if he'd been shoved through a blender.
"Man," he sighed, the kid reminding him a lot of Ness, "I sure wish I could do that to Pig's Butt right about now. Yeah, I could really go for smacking him down..."
All of a sudden, as if by some sort of miracle or a plot twist gone horribly wrong, Ness landed nearby. The two immediately locked eyes.
"Pig's Butt!"
"Porky!" He scowled. "Ew, you're all old and ugly. You really let yourself go..."
"Shut up, noob!" He approached. "I'm better than ever in this thing! I may not look like it on the outside, but I can still kick your ass into next week! ...And then go there and repeat the process! Gahahahaha!"
"Man, you've got some serious issues..."
"No, I don't! Now come here so I can kill you!"
"Sorry," He waved him off. "Gotta find some potatoes for the wedding. I don't have time to play games..."
"Potatoes aren't as evil as ham; therefore, they don't grow here! Now, c'mon! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me! I'll give you the first attack! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me!"
Ness threw a Mr. Saturn at him. Where he got it, I'll never know. "OMG, SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA FIGHT YOUR OLD, SMELLY ASS! I JUST WANT THE POTATOES! JUST... POTATOES!"
"It's cuz you're afraid you'll LOOOOOOOOSE! Isn't that right, Señor ShnuggleButt Fluffykins!"
"Sí, Rey Porky," added his odd pet.
"...The hell?" Ness frowned. "What kinda name is that? And why is he speaking Spanish?"
"Oh, so you think just because you didn't come from Cuba that you're better than him, don't you!"
"...Whatever. I'm outta here." He picked up some 'potatoes' and flew away. "...Hope you choke on your own fat, fatty!"
"Yeah, well... MY HAIR'S STILL COOLER THAN YOURS!" As he watched him go, he suddenly got a great idea. "Hey, Señor ShnuggleButt Fluffykins! I've got a great idea!"
"Sí, Rey Porky?"
"I'm gonna follow that butt-head and kill him! It'll totally cure my boredom issue and finally rid me of him forever! YES! This is the perfect plan!"
"Por supuesto, Rey Porky. Your plans are always muy perfecto."
"I don't know what you just said, but I agree wholeheartedly! Gahahahahaha!"
Back at Smash Mansion...
"Okay, everyone can relax!" declared Ness, swooping in through the window. "I've got the potatoes, so we can all finally live in peace!"
Pikachu sweatdropped. ("...Were you dropped on your head as a baby?")
Smiling, Nana approached. "Oh, that's wonderful! Except for two things: one, we didn't need them in the first place, and two, those aren't potatoes; they're ROOOOCKS!"
Kirby then came over, holding a bleeding arm. "Uh, hiya, Ness. Glad to see you're back..."
"Kirby? What happened to you?"
"Um, Lucas kinda bit me... uh, really hard, so... uh, permission to faint from loss of blood?"
Ness raised an eyebrow, despite not having any. "Permission granted?"
"Oh, goody..." And he passed out.
"...Yeeeeeeeeeahhhhh..."
Nana threw her arms up. "...Well, don't just stand there! Cure Lucas already! I think Popo's started to get a little too attached to him..."
Offended, Popo scoffed. "Mr. Trousers! Call me Mr. Trousers! That's my name now! Plus, Ryuukash isn't that bad of a guy! He really has a great sense of humor... y'know, once you get past the horde of concentrated evil he occasionally spews..."
"...GrRrRrRr!" Ryuukash responded by randomly tackling Kirby and biting him again.
"AUGH! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!"
"Back! Back, you beast!" commanded Ness, throwing a 'potato' at him. "These spuds should solve this problem in no time!"
Ryuukash looked on in confusion as the 'potato' sailed over his head and hit Popo, knocking him off the bed.
"Hey mister! Didja get the name of that Polar Bear that hit me? I wanna invite him over for TEA!" he dizzily shouted before fainting.
Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("Nice going.")
"Aw, gimme a break! I'm used to hitting things, not throwing them!"
"NESS! You butt-head!" shorted Porky, crashing through the window.
He looked up. "WTF? Porky!"
Pikachu grinned. ("Dude! Nice spider mech! Where can I get one?")
Popo pointed, suddenly conscious and having less brain cells. "OMG, it's Spider Pig!"
"What? NO! It is I, King Porky! All bow down to me now!"
"Oh. ...Can I still call you Spider Pig?"
Pikachu scratched his head. ("I thought his name was Pokey...")
"No, that's that cactus thing from Mario. Segmented? Lives in the desert?" corrected Ness.
Kirby lifted his head. "No, no, it's King Porkey."
Nana frowned. "What the hell? You don't spell 'Porky' with an 'e'!"
"...How'd you know I spelled it with an 'e'?"
"Dorks!" Porky broke the silence. "Everyone oughta know the all-powerful King of New Pork City! It's only the coolest place ever! You should go there and get brainwashed!"
"I'll pass," said Nana. "Besides, aren't you kinda past your prime to be threatening us?"
"Yeah!" laughed Popo. "And... and! Uh, you probably weigh like, uh... 7,489,345,783lbs! Hahahahaha!"
"Age ain't nothin' but a number! And I'm not fat, just overly sexy!"
Pikachu sweatdropped. ("...Can you even have sex anymore?")
"Oh, yeah? You think that's funny? You think that's funny? Well, let my legs just do the talking, then you'll see what's funny!" Upon attacking with one of the spider mech's legs, he frowned. "Ooh, that didn't sound right..."
Ness smacked his forehead. "Gawd, did time travel actually make you stupider?"
Pikachu dodged the leg. ("Why're you fighting us, anyway? Kill Ness, he's your rival!")
Ness scowled. "...I wouldn't be going to sleep anytime soon, if I were you."
"Well, I'm gonna make sure you're all sleeping!" threatened Porky. "Y'know, like dead 'n stuff."
"...Can you just... stop talking and go away? We've got way too many problems right now to be able to deal with you!" growled the pink Ice Climber.
"Yeah, hey, why don't we pencil you in for later? Maybe... 9:30 in the morning on Wednesday?" asked the blue Ice Climber.
"Aw, shoot, I can't; gotta go to the dentist's that day--Hey, wait a minute! Don't think you can trick me! I'm the smartestest guy ever!"
Kirby sweatdropped. "And there's your proof of it..."
At that moment, Ryuukash decided it'd be fun to start choking the puffball, so he did, mostly because he hated round things colored pink.
Porky pointed. "Hey, it's the little loser, Lucas! Oh man, and he's totally stinkin' drunk! He's wasted!"
"Actually, he's kinda possessed at the moment..." said Nana, as-a-matter-of-factly.
"Cool! I think I'll kill him!"
"Why?" asked Popo.
"Because I want to! Shut up!" He slapped Ryuukash down with a leg and laughed like a madman... er, pig. Mad pig... wild boar.
"Oh, no! He's dead! Dead, I tell you! DEAD!" cried Popo, getting an angry glare from Nana.
"Just like Schlemiel!" added Kirby, who was somehow healed.
"Schlemiel?" Porky frowned at Ness. "...You've got some weird friends, Pig's Butt."
"And you're living proof I've got even worse enemies... Can you leave now? Why don't you go and eat your weight in mayo-soaked butter, or something?"
He drooled. "Mmm, that sounds good... But no! I hafta fill my quota for the day, and that quota just happens to be killing you!"
Lucas chose this time to wake up, completely normal and totally not dead. "Huh? W-where am I? What's going on--HOLY CRAP, IT'S PORKY! TAKE COVER!" And he dove for his bed sheets, taking the term to a whole new level.
"Hey, wasn't he just possessed a moment ago?" questioned Nana.
Pikachu shrugged. ("Eh, I guess Porky knocked it out of him.")
"What? That's impossible! You can't just knock someone out of being possessed!"
Ness sighed loudly. "You of all people should know nothing ever needs explaining here."
Pikachu threw his arms into the air. ("Wait, wait, wait a minute!")
Porky stopped. "Eh?"
("Lemme get this straight: you're a 'king', right?")
"Right..."
("And you rule New Pork City, right?")
"Right..."
("Then, if you're here fighting us, who's ruling the city?")
"Oh, well... uh..." He thought for a moment, then gasped. "Aw, crap! You're right!"
Ness sweatdropped. "You have got to be kidding me!"
Porky stomped off. "Hey, y'know what? This was really fun, Pig Butt! We gotta do this again sometime!"
"No! Go away and never come back! Nobody wants you here!" proclaimed his enemy.
"Right! And that's exactly why I'm coming back!" He turned to Popo. "Now like I said, I can't make it on Wednesday, so is Thursday at noon good?"
Popo grinned like an idiot. "Oh, sure! That'll be great! We'll see be seeing you then!"
"Awesome!"
Upon his confirmation, he busted through the door and inexplicably disappeared. After a few moments of silence, Nana smashed Popo's head with her mallet.
"What is the matter with you?!"
"Uh, yeah..." Ness put his hands to his hips. "That didn't go exactly as planned, but at least we beat 'em! A good end to a good day!"
Pikachu pointed at a clock. ("But it's half-past 3 in the afternoon...")
"And we didn't beat him! He's coming back on Thursday!" added Kirby.
The psychic growled in frustration. "What will it take to get you guys motivated? I swear, you are the most self-conscious bunch of weirdoes I have ever been forced to come in contact with!"
Authoress' Notes: Um... yeah. This chapter was just full of plot holes.
