Chapter Two: Pressure and Possibility

Austin stared out the window of the restaurant, only half listening to what Pepper had to say. The words filtered in and out of her ears, static noise, background to what was currently stealing her attention—

That strange feeling.

It had started when they'd entered into the eatery, even before the two had sat down at the window seat Pepper had reserved. As soon as Austin had entered through the door, she'd felt it: a strange, surging sort of feeling, as if there were too much caffeine in her system. It had given her pause, had scared her, and she had almost run into a couple holding hands, fervently apologizing to the men afterwards. Her heart had hammered in her chest, but with a deep breath she had shaken it off, chocking it up to nothing more than nerves, as it had been a while since she'd stepped foot outside of Tony's high-tech home.

But then she had sat down…and suddenly the strange, surging feeling had returned: only this time the power had leaked through her veins, only to be drawn back, to make her feel weak before it appeared again.

Back and forth, back and forth—

Surging and depleting, surging and depleting—

Austin felt as though she were living several days at once, her mind half trapped outside of her body, faint images flickering to her from somewhere else.

"—you alright, Austin?" It was her name and the light touch of a hand that brought her back to herself, that made her feel any sense of reality.

Austin blinked, turned away from the window, met Pepper's gaze, but still she felt as though half of her were somewhere else, as if part of her had vanished…

But part of her had vanished, hadn't it?

Only that part of her was another person, someone she would never see again.

But I'm moving on, Austin thought, though somewhere in her mind she heard a laugh — probably from her own twisted sense of derision.

Sure, she was moving on—

But if she was moving on, then why did she feel so out of sorts? Austin didn't want to think that she was one of those people who could not live, not function, without a loved one in their life, and yet…something about her present situation felt wrong.

But of course it was wrong — she had lost someone. There was no shame in being hurt over that, was there? It hadn't been that long…

But still, she needed to move on.

But how could she do that, when her heart was stuck on what she had lost, on the place she had found for herself in the universe? It wasn't about romance so much — no, in losing Loki, Austin understood that she had lost a friend, had lost someone who understood.

Oh, Tony understood too, and Pepper, but it was different. Not as close, not as…

"Austin," the pressure of the hand intensified, and finally Austin was able to focus, finding worry in Pepper's gaze. "I asked if you were alright…but obviously you're not," her lips pursed, her brows furrowing. "Maybe this was too soon…" she sounded uncertain, but just as concerned as before.

Unlike Tony, Pepper didn't seem to want to pressure her too much, to make her ready for things she simply was not ready for. Sure, she had set up this dinner, had taken Austin out, but she had been thoughtful every step of the way: ensuring their seat was away from the crowd, leading Austin into the restaurant by the arm, not smiling more than she should.

"Sorry," Austin blinked, tried to pull herself fully into the moment, though part of her hung back, remaining trapped. "It's just…I feel…" her brows wound, her breath coming slowly as another image flickered through her thoughts, though she couldn't grasp onto it.

What did she feel? What was this feeling? What was happening to her?

The nightmares she had become used to…almost. But this strange, out of body feeling was new, had crept on her too quickly, just like the dreams. She half felt as if she were floating in space, in yet outside of herself.

And the worst thing was: she didn't know what to do about it, how to explain it, how it was even possible to be seeing the flickering of images she somehow knew she had never seen before.

She wasn't even sure she could explain it—

Or if it wasn't all only in her mind.

"I'm feeling out of sorts," Austin finally admitted, the best name she could possibly give to the feeling plaguing her, without earning a doctor's visit or more worry than she wanted to inflict. "But I think this is good — being here, I mean. I'm glad you brought me out. Maybe getting back into the real world really will help me. I know I've been stubborn, but I truly want to get on with my life, even if I still am sad."

Sadness—

She still had a life, though it felt as though a large part of it was gone, missing. But being here, among people and noise, life in its sadness and radiance, she was seeing things a little more clearly.

Not everyone smiled, though some did. A couple over in the corner was arguing, but they would probably make up later, or be brave enough to let each other go. Everyone had their own way of pretending, but even through pretending their true feelings were visible, and even though their true feelings were visible they still felt them, still showed them off, still had the strength to get outside of their box and live.

Austin wanted to live, too, even through her sadness.

It wasn't just the loss of Loki that was plaguing her, if she were honest with herself, like these people were being. There was something else, something larger to herself…

She had crawled into a hole, had sunk down into the darkness, and even when she tried she could not pull herself back up. But the largest reason for this was…she was scared to do so — scared to let Tony, and Pepper, and Jane, and her family, and most of all herself, down. Scared to find that, without that person in her life, she really didn't have a life at all.

Perhaps she had buried her heart along with Loki, treating them as one in the same, though it was unfair of her — unfair to her, and to him. Simple and complicated as he was, Austin didn't think he would have wanted her to quit life entirely, give up what was important to her — wasn't it Austin being Austin that had intrigued him in the first place? And more than that, by putting so much pressure to live on someone who was dead, wasn't she shirking her responsibility for her own life and decisions? She had already proven that she could put herself first in the unselfish way by leaving her father's abode, so why did she felt as though living now that a loved one was dead was somehow…selfish of her?

Is that what it is? Am I beating myself up because I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting a life…or because I'm trying to want a life that I shouldn't have? Austin wondered, the thought triggered.

What type of life did she want? What type of life did she feel that she needed, that fit? Where did she feel was her place in the universe? And why wasn't she living it out?

Austin recalled the conversation she had had with Loki — about stopping his plans, about protecting her world. In that moment, she had felt more herself than ever before, even if the urge to write, to create a story had been there. In a way, altering his plans and saving her world had felt like a story of its own, one she wanted to peruse with everything she had.

What had changed?

Did she want to save the world? Be a superhero, like Tony? Maybe she should join SHIELD?

But no, that didn't seem right, either. So what was?

I'll just have to give myself time to think. I'll figure it out, Austin thought, shaking her head as she tried to focus back on reality, on this dinner.

Her healing started here, now. She was determined once more.

Even so…that mysterious feeling wouldn't go away. It loomed over her, promising something, but she couldn't hear its voice loudly enough to understand exactly what it was. It made her tired, but she persisted, insistent now upon enjoying her evening.

Whatever it was, she could deal with it later.

She was tired of running.

"I know that look — you've decided something. I'm glad," when Pepper smiled, Austin smiled back, despite her deep thoughts. "Not only did I manage to draw you out of your shell when Tony couldn't — he'll have to pay up — but I'm happy to see you living life again, Austin. Even if it's bit by bit, you still have so much you can give the world," Pepper grinned then, taking her wine glass in a hand, holding it up for a toast. "To happiness."

Austin followed suit, water swishing in her own wineglass. "To happiness," she agreed—

Even if it looked different than she had thought it might.

Even if she had to fight for it.

Austin laughed along with Pepper, and somewhere, in the back of her mind, the haunting feeling moved, as if in agreement.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Loki sat in the back of the armored truck, attempting to regulate his breathing as the wind whipped past, the force of travel through the wormhole still sending a shock through his system in the form of a cold sweat. He glanced back at the window situated behind him, looking towards the driver, silently questioning where exactly they were going.

The answer came to him immediately, a whisper in his mind, and he turned his gaze once more towards the crumbling SHIELD establishment scattered behind them a good ways, collapsing in the wake of his chaos.

A part of him gleefully rejoiced over the destruction, though he knew his enemies would not all be dead — where would be the enjoyment in that? But it was a mere facade, an emotion to cover up what he truly felt underneath.

"Ask him."

A silent voice whispered in his mind, and he looked to Selvig, who sat near him, the doctor staring up at the stars he could never hope to reach.

The power of the tesseract had invaded all of their mind — everyone he had "recruited" — making them one cohesive unit. Loki could hear it, feel it in his mind, though it didn't control him (to an extent) like it did the others—

Or did it?

The mere thought brought out a beast of rage within him, and the air felt sharp with it, though he did not let the beast become his outward image.

Sometime after Odin's betrayal, falling through space, Loki had promised to never allow another to use him as a pawn, to break him in that way. Instead, he would turn the tables, would use others for his own plans, for his own glory; he had, after all, had an excellent teacher. Some, like those he had sided with now, would believe themselves to be the ones controlling him, and others, like Selvig, would know they were under his thumb — but still Loki would remain in control, always.

So he had told himself—

And so it had been…mostly.

He hadn't remained in control when he had met Austin, though he had shunned the truth for the longest time. His heart had come to care for her without his permission, so perhaps his finely constructed image of control was nothing but a lie, even now.

Still—

Lies he could live with.

Lies he was familiar with.

Lies had now become him.

And, if he kept telling himself the lies, then one day even he would believe them…

That was why he hated Thor, when he did not. Why he hated Odin, when some part of him still remembered the father who had not betrayed him, the father who had existed in his younger years. Why he had forgotten his mother, when he still remembered her…

And Austin—

"Ask him," the voice, the tesseract, spoke once more into his thoughts, its tone kind and gentle and yet somehow nonexistent.

It wasn't the voice of someone — something — controlling, and yet he could feel it guiding him, begging him to speak the words, to question the wandering Selvig.

But he didn't need to question—

Because he already knew the truth.

He had seen it there, in those eyes, before they'd been bombarded by the tesseract's unnatural shine: hope, and desperation, and bravery. There was only one reason in all the universe for that look to be in Selvig's gaze, and so Loki knew the truth, though he tried, at least for the moment, to tell himself a lie.

But the lie wasn't becoming; he wasn't accepting it, no matter how hard he tried. Because the truth was so much more potent:

His heart was still alive…and so was Austin.

The question was: what was he going to do about it?

Though the rest of him was resolved, had its mission, about this one thing Loki could not decide.

And somewhere in the back of his mind, the tesseract bowed its figurative head, resigned.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hello, everyone! I am alive!

Thank you so much for reading. I know it's been...forever. I hope you're all doing well, and thank you for clicking on this story/chapter. Below are some updates.

About Me: I am doing well, and as I said, I hope you all are, too! I was really sick for a while, but with a new diet and supplements, I'm feeling much better and am back on my feet. I've been crazy busy, and am about to finish publishing a series (self-publishing), and am getting ready to send out a story to agents, so please wish me luck! If you're interested in my professional work, I've uploaded my website to my profile.

About This Series: So, I would still like to finish this series, but I'm not promising anything. As I said, I've been crazy busy, and when it comes to writing, my original work is priority. So, it may be a long while before another update, or I may have to end up abandoning the story for real. If it comes to that, I'll let you know - I'm not planning on it, but I wanted to give a realistic forewarning. My writing has changed a bit in style, but I hope you're still enjoying it. I'm sorry for the shorter chapter, but I'm hoping that shorter chapters will make it easier for me to work on this series. So, time shall tell, but thank you for reading and supporting me. I really appreciate it!

Chapter Notes: Ugh, Pepper is so hard for me to write. I love her, but I can't really seem to connect with her character. I tried. I hope you like it! I've been away from this story for so long, so I'm sorry if it feels a bit stilted...but I still enjoyed writing it.

THANK YOU TO MY REVIEWERS: HP2011, Ravanack, Gelasia Kidd, KnightInShiningArmor, mystery shopper - and especially Gypsy and Ali D., who reviewed recently and made me want to work on this story again. You're all amazing, and thank you so much!

Until next time (hopefully not 2 years later!)!

Cross~