Author's notes: This is the last chapter I promised, and it is long and probably a bit more confusing than the last two chapters because more things are happening and I got kind of lazy with the line breaks.. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. You've all been great.
Don't Call me Again Ever
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Gir giggled and dumped the rest of his popcorn in his mouth. It took him a few seconds for him to recognize it was gone from his bowl, and a few minutes of searching the cushions to realize there was none in the living room either. He tried the kitchen but there was just no popcorn anywhere!
That's when it became an emergency situation.
"Masterrr!" he shouted down the toilet. "Master! The popcorn is gone! I ate it aall!" His master didn't respond because he wasn't there. Zim wasn't at home, and Gir had been forbidden to leave the house after he mistook the neighbour's cat for a squirrel and ate it, disturbing a group of bystanders who then called the pound.
Gir had spent a couple of days scaring the dogs in the pound before Zim came to get him out.
Of course Gir didn't remember he wasn't supposed to leave the house. He'd tried to leave earlier to get some ketchup to put on his popcorn, but the gnomes outside had shot him back into the living room through the window. I'd been a lot of fun, and it only took him a couple more tries before the lasers affected his circuits and he miraculously remembered what Zim had said about not going anywhere.
"Hmm…" he tapped just under his mouth, like tapping his chin, and stood staring at the toilet. He could always order ketchup and popcorn from the telephone! Feeling pleased that he had thought up a solution, Gir bounced happily over to the phone and dialled the first number he could remember. The pizza man.
"Uhh… hello?" the young man on the other end of the line said. "This is Bloaty's. How can I uh… help you?
"I neeeeeed ketchup and popcorn!" Gir squealed.
"Uhh…" the person on the other end of the phone took a moment to clear his head. "Well um… we don't uh… serve that here."
"Ok bye!" Gir exclaimed hanging up before trying the next number.
They didn't sell it either!
There was only one other solution Gir could think of after he finished dialing every number he could remember and half the numbers in the local address book. He had to call outer space!
Don't do it…
The computer warned Gir as he eyed the garbage can.
I mean it. The house's computer heaved a sigh. Oh whatever.
Zim had left some traps in place, and Gir triggered every one of them on the way down so he was smouldering and giggling in glee by the time he rolled into the communication's room.
There were a lot of blocks in place this time, but Gir was able to get past them all because Zim's password was 'ZIM.' He typed in a familiar number and waited for the person to answer. They didn't. He tried another number. No answer. He called back the most recent number and the screen flashed.
"This is Sizzlor, how can I help you?" the large Irken wearing a chef's uniform questioned not bothering to look at the screen.
"Hiii!" Gir greeted the stranger cheerfully. "I'd like some poptarts with lemonade and a fried hamster on a stick, no lettuce, and a biiig bowl of toquitos!" The SIR couldn't remember what he wanted anymore. "Ohh and some eggs on a spoon!"
"What the…?" Sizzlor turned his gaze to the screen as he continued frying something. "We don't have anything like that here. And why is a SIR ordering?" He narrowed his eyes. "Where are you calling from?"
"I'm on earth!" Gir remarked smiling stupidly. "Next to the man in the sky! His name's Ralph! We got a moon made 'a cheese!" The Sir's blue eyes narrowed and he whispered in a creepy voice. "The stars are his friends."
"You're Zim's crazy robot!" Sizzlor stated looking mildly surprised. He wondered briefly if calling to harass Zim had been a good idea. "Do you even know what we have on the menu?"
"No idea!" Gir exclaimed. "I like ketchup! Do you have the candy cane's number?" he suddenly asked. "Maybe they have ketchup and poptarts for me!"
"What…?"
"I want to call the tall guys so they can gimme me some ketchup!" Gir explained. "They're the kings of candy-land! They must have iiit!"
Now normally a good loyal Irken wouldn't give away his leaders' new number to a dysfunctional SIR unit, but Sizzlor had to think about not only his sanity but the sanity of his customers. It was no secret that Zim's robot had been harassing the Tallests lately. Besides, his leaders still owed him money.
"Alright, but you can't tell them I gave it to you understand?" Sizzlor said hitting a button that brought the Massive's number up on the screen.
"Thank you iron chef! Your hat is pretty!" Gir said before the connection ended. He typed in the Tallest's new number and began jumping up in down on the chair.
"Incoming transmission from…" the technician in charge of communications nearly swallowed his tongue when 'Earth' popped up on his screen. He looked at the guy sitting on his left for help, but the other Irken held up his hands defensively and shook his head. The technician on his right wasn't any help either. "Earth," he finished bringing his antennae down as he waited for his leader's reaction.
"Get rid of it! Destroy all the monitors!" Red snapped rising from his chair. "Purple, come help me with…" he eyed the empty seat beside his and muttered under his breath. "Oh right… he's still missing." His angry red orbs turned to the technician in charge of communications. "You set up all the barriers didn't you?"
"Yes sir!"
"Then why is that thing on the monitor!" he pointed a finger at the largest screen in the room which now had Gir's smiling face plastered to it.
"Hi Mandy!" Gir called waving before he pried his face off the screen. "I missed youu!"
"What do you want!" Red questioned exasperated. "Can't you just leave me in peace!"
Gir got distracted during Red's mental breakdown. He pulled a felt out of the storage space in his head and began drawing pretty pictures on the monitor.
"Hee hee, you gotta butterfly on you're head!"
"Do a full system shut down!" the Tallest demanded.
"But sir… it will take us hours to get the Massive running again," one of the technicians tried to protest. "We will be drifting through space defenceless…"
"What's your name?"
"I-Its Leb my Tallest…"
"I'm going to have you demoted to a table headed service drone. Right Purple?" He glanced at the empty chair again.
There was an awkward pause. "Darn it! He's been missing for three days! Where could he have gone!"
"He got eaten by a whale!" Gir happily chimed. "You gotta tell Pickle! He'll be so happy for you!" And so he called Lard Nar.
"ShutitdownorI'llkillyou…" Red insisted reaching to strangle the nearest technician who gasped and immediately began playing with his controls even though his section had nothing to do with the power supply or the communication system.
"Where am I going?" Purple muttered as he trudged through the disgusting sludge. He had accidentally hit the button for one of the emergency exits when the Massive lost control, and this sent him flying into outer space. From there the gravity of the planet dragged him in.
It was embarrassing! He would have died if he hadn't landed in the sewage plant. Now he was lost in an underground maze of alien waste that stank worse than dead Slorgbits. He'd also been flushed through a small pipe. He'd gotten stuck, but the second flush pushed him through along with all sorts of other things he didn't want to think about.
Not to mention the brown-green goop he was walking in kept rising and falling precariously.
The further he walked, the darker his surroundings became. Then suddenly he heard a beep and saw a flash. He rushed towards the flashing light, but he didn't try to touch it. His antennae fell as he stared at where the light was coming from. Somewhere deep under the swirling goop, a communicator was beeping.
There was only one problem with that. Irkens don't like gross things, and the device was buried in grossness. He stared at the place for a while. His hands trembled and he clenched them into fists. "Ok… this is life or death remember…? Who cares what kind of disgusting creature's feces it's currently covered in? This might be my only chance to contact the outside world!" From a sewer he realized. Both Red and the crew were going to have a good laugh.
"Why me…?" he grumbled summoning his courage to answer it.
And then the worse possible person-thing was on the other line…
"Eee!" Gir exclaimed. "Who are you!"
"Eh...? Ah!" Purple nearly dropped the communicator. "You! Why are you calling this!" Maybe the stupid SIR unit had a list of all the numbers in the universe somewhere… that was a frightening thought.
"Uh oh! I got the wrong number!" Gir moved to end the transmission, but Purple wasn't finished having his say. "Better go before I get spied on! The scary lady says so!"
"You horrible robot! You better not end this call! You're the one who got me thrown down here! Uh… probably! I know this is somehow your fault!" He shook the communication device pretending it was the SIR's head. How he wanted to crush him…
"Purple is that you?" Red asked from the screen. He couldn't see the other Tallest, but Purple was shouting loud enough to be heard on the Massive's line.
"Errr…."
"Where are you? No one has seen you around here for days!"
"Uh well…"
"Come on Purple, hurry up and tell me what happened!"
"You see…"
"Aw! You know each other! I'll let you say hi!" Gir cheered connecting the calls together before sitting back and watching like it was a good sitcom. "They're gunna dance like a monkey!"
"What the…" Red stared at the bit of background he could see on his monitor which was completely shrouded in darkness. "Don't tell me you're still hiding somewhere…"
"Of course not!" Purple snapped. "This is the last place I want to be!"
"Where is that?"
"He's gone on vacation!" Gir squealed.
"What…?" Red raised an invisible brow.
"I don't know! I have no idea. All I know is when the Massive started going out of control I lost my balance and ended up getting pulled into space!" Purple remarked.
Red's antennae fell back. He looked thoughtful for a moment, but the information was just too much for him and he burst out laughing. "You fell off the Massive! You FELL off! How is that even possible! Ha ha ha!"
"Shut up Red…" Purple muttered looking dejected. "You're such a jerk."
"What the heck is going on over here…?" a voice grumbled in the darkness. The gross sound of someone walking through the sewer sludge was getting louder. Purple's antennae rose slightly as he listened. His ocular implants allowed him to see relatively well in the dark, so the moment the stranger rounded the corner he would be able to tell what it was and take the necessary steps…
Right now he was thinking he would run away no matter what the sewer beast looked like. His grip tightened on the communicator and he slowly began edging backwards away from the voice.
"Ok… ok I'm done," Red said cracking a grin to keep himself from laughing. This didn't work and he doubled over laughing loudly.
"Red shut up, I think there's something down here…" Purple whispered.
"BWAHH HAHH!"
Purple wisely decided to mute the communication device after his co-Tallest's outburst.
He watched as the thing came around the corner and let out a sigh. It was just a Vortian wearing goggles and a strange uniform. The Vort race was short and relatively harmless without their technology.
"You!" it gasped freezing in place. "What are you doing down here!"
"I thought Vortians couldn't see well in the dark," Purple said hoping to avoid the topic of how he ended up in the sewers.
CRASH BANG CLANG
Purple winced with each loud noise. The crazy SIR on the other line didn't seem to have been affected by the muting and was currently getting into something he shouldn't. There was also some disco music playing. Gir apparently was impossible to mute.
"We can't," Lard Nar grumbled. "But I've been down here long enough to adjust."
"If you've been down here for so long you should know a way out."
"If I knew a way out I wouldn't be down here right now would I!"
"Fine, whatever." Vortians and their logic. "Since you're useless I'll just have to find my own way out of here."
"Most of this planet is sewers," the Vortian smirked a bit. "How do you plan to do that exactly?"
"I'm not going to tell you."
"Ha!" Lard Nar pointed a finger at him. "You have no idea!"
Purple's antennae flattened irritably. He forgot how annoying Vortians were. That's why he and Red decided to break their alliance with Vort and eventually conquer the planet… or something. There were probably more political and economical reasons for doing this, but Purple didn't really care.
"Well you obviously don't know what you're doing since you're still lost down here," Purple countered.
Lard Nar let his arm fall to his side as he balled his hands into fists. "I wouldn't be down here if you hadn't shot down my ship!"
"We wouldn't have shot down your ship if you were on your planet doing whatever it is you're supposed to be doing!"
"I would have been on my planet if you hadn't conquered it and enslaved my people!"
Gir squealed in delight. "Look Pig! They're so happy being married together!" he remarked holding his friend Pig up so he could see. "I'll give em mah cheese as a present!"
Both Lard Nar and Purple paused; each of them wondering what the heck the strange Earth term 'married' meant.
The purple Tallest was the first to realize it didn't matter, and he began walking away from the Vortian. It was much easier for him to move through the sludge because of his height. There was even a ladder up ahead. Goodie.
"Where are you going?" Lard Nar asked watching as the Tallest started to leave.
"I'm getting away from you," he replied.
"Real mature…"
"I heard that."
"Good! Hear this too you stupid Irken, there are sewer monsters and unpredictable tides down here! How do you expect to make it out of here when you're so spoiled? You probably don't know anything about the world outside Irk or the Massive. "
Purple rolled his eyes. "Well," he said looking down at the Vortian from the latter he had started to climb. "I thought going up would be a good start."
Lard Nar dug his fingers into his palm and ground his teeth. The Tallest was infuriating!
"Besides, you're small, so I figure the sewer beast will probably go after you first."
"I named him Sam!" Gir remarked butting into the conversation. "He's got three eyes! He's gunna eat you like a sammich!"
Purple checked the communicator once he climbed up the ladder. On one half of the screen Gir was happily serving tea to his friend Pig while on the other half of the screen Red appeared to have calmed down somewhat.
He hesitated briefly before un-muting Red. His co-Tallest covered his mouth chuckling a bit, but he managed to regain some of his control. "So uh… Purple… need some help getting back? Pfft."
"They won't be able to pinpoint this location," Lard Nar informed Purple. He had decided to follow the Tallest for the lack of a better plan… besides what the Irken had said earlier was probably true. The sewer creature would no doubt attack him first because he wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight, but if he stayed with Purple he would have a better chance of making it out alive. "Being underground screws up the signals."
Purple eyed him warily. "Now you decide to act helpful?"
"Sorry," Lard Nar responded sounding insincere. "I have a natural repulsion to the Irken species since you and your idiot partner started operation doom."
"That means he's allergic!" Gir translated before irrupting into a fit of giggles. "He's allergic! Eee!"
"Doom one or doom two?" Purple questioned lowering his antennae. The dysfunctional SIR was going to make him deaf. He really hoped he wasn't going to die, lost, deaf, and irritated beyond reason with bad company on a foreign planet surrounded by ick where his followers wouldn't even set foot to collect his bones once he was gone.
That thought was very depressing and he almost forgot he was having a conversation with bad company number two.
"There was a first one?" Lard Nar asked sounding puzzled.
"Oh right… never mind." It was better not to mention that one since it ended so badly.
"If the SIR unit can get passed all of our security, he might know a way of getting around the signal problem," Red commented offhandedly. He had no idea what his partner was going through at all, and it was obvious to anyone , especially Purple, that he didn't really care to.
"Of course, it's also incredibly stupid."
"I wanna give you a big hug purple-man!" Gir cheered as he slammed into the screen. "I'M A FISH!"
Purple squinted an eye. "I think I'll have a better chance wandering around here than I would talking to that thing…"
"I have never seen something that defective before," Lard Nar admitted looking a bit sceptical. "But I guess if Zim made it…"
"Ah… heh right Zim… made it," Red and Purple both mumbled.
"Why do you two look so guilty?" Lard Nar demanded. The answer came to him a moment later and he smacked himself in the forehead. "I hope you've learned your lesson! This is what happens when you tamper with technology! This and that horrible Megadoomer that becomes invisible when the pilot remains in plain sight… you fools!"
"Gir! Where are you! Gir!" Zim's voice echoed from above the labs.
Red began packing for another trip to the dark secluded room where there were no screens and monitors. "As much as I'd like to help you Purple… there is only so much I can take. I'm at my limit."
"And you think I'm having a good time here?" Purple snapped. "You better not leave me here Red. I mean it!"
"Leb, you're in charge while I'm gone. Do not let the Massive go off course this time!"
"Y-yes my Tallest…" the poor technician stammered.
"Master's home! I'm gonna call master's bestest friend!" he began pounding the control panel furiously. "I'm calling I'm calling! Eee!"
Beep beep beep.
Dib sighed wearily as he removed the last of the leeches from him. Zim's most recent plan had been to genetically mutate the leeches so that they were always hungry for human blood. They were never full!
Beep beep beep
His computer was beeping. Slowly he dragged himself over to the keyboard and hit enter. Gir popped up grinning happily. "Hiiiii! Were you playing in the puddles!"
"Zim's crazy robot…?" Dib mumbled somewhat dazed. He was light headed from losing so much blood, and he collapsed on his chair. Was his computer even capable of this he wondered?
"Oh no! Big head is dying! Master will be so sad! I give you jellybeans!" Gir tried to shove some of the candy into a few different slots; this resulted in a minor explosion.
"Gir! Are you down in the labs again!" Zim shouted. "You horrible minion! What do I keep telling you about the labs and… not being there!"
"I don't know!" Gir replied as his master exited the elevator and marched over to the computer screen.
"Why must you do this!" he shrieked when he realized his stupid robot had once again called the Tallests. "My Tallest!"
Purple's antennae fell. "Don't say anything Zim…"
"But!"
"Zim I mean it!"
"Yes my Tallest! I am very sorry about…"
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SPEAKING!" Purple roared, and Zim very nearly lost his hearing.
Dib groaned and held his head. Even though he was exhausted and had a bad headache, he couldn't pass up this opportunity to speak to real live aliens. "You…" he fell onto the floor and promptly fell asleep.
"Did anyone else hear something?" Lard Nar questioned.
"No, I didn't," Purple replied rubbing his temples. "Let's keep going. Zim and his robot are useless," "Whaaat?" Zim questioned rubbing one of his antennae in an attempt to get his hearing back. "And it looks like Red went and locked himself in the closet again," Purple continued breathing a sigh.
He would have to get out of the situation on his own.
Gir landed on top of Zim and they crashed to the floor. "Get off of me Gir!"
Lard Nar chanced a look over his shoulder when he heard something like rushing water. He paled. "Uh… Irken-scum… we might have a problem…"
Purple turned just in time to see a wave of disgusting goop falling over them. They didn't even have time to scream, not that either of them wanted too because of the risk of swallowing something extremely unpleasant, before being whisked away through the sewer.
"My Tallest…?" Zim questioned, blinking as the signal suddenly cut-out. He shoved Gir off of him, wondering briefly if his leader had met an unfortunate end.
"Don't worry master, I'll call 'em back!" Gir announced leaping onto the control panel, and doing a dance resembling the tango. "Don't be dead! The mangos will cry! Don't make 'em cry!"
Mean while, the technicians sat in an awkward silence.
"Do you think we should inform the Tallest that our other Tallest could be dead?" one of them asked.
No one answered.
Dib drooled in his sleep.
"Get down here Dib!" Gaz shouted from downstairs. "Dad wants us to have dinner, and I can't eat until you punch in the code!"
He muttered something unintelligible, rolled over, and snored.
The signal from Zim's base reconnected to the communicator in the sewer. Purple was lying on his back gasping for air. He was covered in things he didn't even want to imagine, and he had to un-stick himself from the sludge he was currently stuck in.
Lard Nar was in a similar predicament, only he hadn't been fortunate enough to land face up like the Tallest had. He pried himself from the goop and took a much needed breath.
"Ughh… I'll never get the taste out of my mouth…" Purple complained as he slowly crawled to his feet. He noticed the communicator lying nearby and picked it up.
"You think you have it bad…" Lard Nar grumbled, wiping his goggles.
"Hey, Vort-thing, do you see that?"
"See what…?" he glanced away from his goggles, and his mouth fell open. There was a light! "Oh good Vort… we're dead."
"Do you really think death would taste this bad?" Purple questioned as he began walking towards the light. "I bet that's the way out."
"Or we're dead," Lard Nar remarked climbing to his feet.
"Well I'm not spending the rest of my afterlife haunting a sewer."
"Good point."
They both headed towards the light with a new found vigor. Purple breathed in, and was relieved to feel the cool air on his face. He would have much rather tasted this, but because he had swallowed something terrible during the wave-ride that overpowered any new taste, he couldn't.
"Fresh air!" he exclaimed happily.
"Yaaay!" came an annoying screech that nearly shattered his antennae and made his legs give out. The communication device was stuck to his pak, held there by a substance no one should ever have to touch, "You won pizza man!" Gir began tearing up. "I'm so proud!"
"What happened to Zim?" Purple asked suspiciously.
"Oh! Master got bored and decided to go play with big-head again!"
"What!" Dib exclaimed sitting up on the floor somehow fully awake. "Zim is coming! I have to prepare myself!"
He ran downstairs intent on breaking into his father's labs and borrowing some high-tech equipment.
"You're late…" his sister growled.
"Oh uh… right. But I don't have time for dinner now!" Orange flames could be seen from the doorway and nothing else.
Lard Nar sighed. "I wish my crew was still alive…" he mumbled to himself. Far off in the distance was a hotel with flashy advertising. Maybe if he was lucky he could catch a ride with some alien on vacation back to Foodcourtia.
His eyes narrowed when he saw someone who looked an awful lot like Spleenk leaving the hotel.
Purple shielded his eyes against the light of the two suns and looked in the direction Lard Nar was staring.
"Oh good. I'm going to call the Massive and have them pick me up from there." He punched in the Massive's number on the communication device, and one of the technicians answered.
"Trace this signal and come get me!" Purple exclaimed in exasperation. The faster he got away from the planet the better in his opinion.
"Oh yeaah! I remember!" Gir squealed hopping up and down in excitement. "I can get ketchup from the lady at the grocery place! Bye byyee!" he waved at the screen before rushing out through the elevator.
Minimoose who had been floating around unnoticed until now drifted over to the monitor and squeaked.
"It's never going to stop calling us…" Purple realized in horror. "It doesn't even need a reason… it just does it!"
"Spleenk!" Lard Nar shouted ignoring the Tallest. "What have you been doing! How are you alive!"
The six armed alien looked surprised. "Boss? You made it out?" he called. "All of us have been waiting at the hotel now for weeks! We kind of thought you might have died."
"I thought you were dead!" Lard Nar retorted. "Why are you still alive?"
"That monster from before was actually really nice. It showed us the way out. Uh…" he scratched his head when he noticed the Vortian's irritated expression. "Sorry boss…"
"Wait a minute… my crew is alive and they're on the planet…" he looked at Purple with a strange glint in his eyes. The Tallest stared at him for a moment, confused, until it dawned on him that what Lard Nar said was a threat.
"Come get me now!" he shouted into the communicator.
"Not until that crazy Sir is gone," Red commented from somewhere off screen. His voice was muffled and he sounded far off.
"It's gone already!'
"Oh…" Red reappeared a short time later and sat down in his chair. "Why didn't you say so?"
"Just come pick me up before.."
The signal disconnected.
Minimoose squeaked again. Then it floated over to the control panel and switched off the monitor by landing on one of the keys.
Then everything was finally quiet.
Author's Notes/ Teaser: Purple is captured by the Resisty and this actually provokes Red to respond for once, Gir is well… Gir, Tak makes an appearance, and Zim has an accident in his labs that causes something terrible. Dib's father gets involved in the intergalactic conversation while Dib is locked in the broom closet.
At least that's what I would write about if I decided to continue with this storyline. x)
And it would be called something stupid like "Don't Call me Again Ever Again" or something. Right now I'm trying to rewrite all of the other fanfics that got deleted, so this one, if continued, would be at the bottom of the list. So let me know if it's worth continuing or not, because I already said this was the last chapter and if this goes on it will get even more ridiculous.
Now I will probably disappear from Invader Zim fan-writing because all my fics got deleted from the hard-drive… and I never made any copies. –huge sigh- I'll be back one day.
