AN: Okay, so here's chapter three of my fanfiction. This one's really long and so was hell to edit. PLEASE forgive me for the length/jumpiness of this particular chapter, it took me a while to get all of the storylines straight in my head. I think that chapter 4 will probably be more focussed on James/Lily, just a single story arc instead of a multiple one - or would you guys like to see some of the storylines continue? FEEDBACK PLEASE!
~HarryPotterForever1997
Lies can't be erased, only hidden:
"What's wrong Lily?" James asked directly. Lily felt a twinge of disappointment go through her. She'd been hoping that she'd be able to stall and keep changing the subject until they were so far off track that James didn't even realise that he hadn't discovered the reason behind Lily's strange behaviour yet - but then again, she should have known better; James was too smart to let her guide him away from his point, even if he didn't know that that was precisely what she was trying to do.
"Nothing." She said tiredly. "I'm fine." James shook his head.
"No you're not." He said almost instantly, obviously ready to repeat himself if deemed necessary. But Lily didn't feel like a 'No you're not - Yes I am!" argument. She just wanted to go back to the Gryffindor dormitories and collapse.
"Yes I am - and DON'T reply please, I really don't feel up to an argument of that sort." She said sternly when James opened his mouth to reply promptly. He closed it again, looking troubled.
"You really don't seem to be up to anything nowadays - are you alright Lily?" He said worriedly.
"YES, I'm fine...is this all that you needed to ask me?" Lily said, trying to sound annoyed.
"Lily, stop lying to me." James said abruptly. "You're not fine, you haven't been for a while. You didn't go to the Easter Ball, you've been having terrible nightmares and sleepwalking every night, you missed the last three prefect training sessions not counting the most previous one, you keep on forgetting to do your homework, I never see you roaming the halls with Mary and Marlene and Alice anymore, and you just broke down in there!" He said, gesturing to the door to the Hospital wing, which they'd both just exited. "So how about you tell me what's wrong? Because we both know I won't believe you if you say otherwise." Lily sighed.
"James, look, I'm fine, okay? I've just been a bit worried about some things, that's all." Lily said, trying to put as much authenticity as possible into her voice, despite knowing that it was hopeless. James stayed silent for an instant.
"And how many stress draughts have you taken in the past months?" He asked shortly. Lily was so taken aback that it took her some time to answer.
"N-none, why?" She asked, failing to see the significance of such a question.
"Because-" James said, taking a step closer to her. "If it was really just you being worried, you would've taken quite a few."
"No I wouldn't have." Lily said automatically. This at least was the truth, she hadn't taken any stress draughts, though admittedly only because she felt as though she didn't deserve to use one to calm her nerves about something that was so obviously her fault. "Besides, I don't need any. I'm not THAT worried." Back to lies again. James took another step towards Lily, now directly in front of her, and took her hand, all in one fluid movement. Despite herself, Lily gasped shortly, surprised at suddenly being so close to him.
"You're shaking." He said softly, looking down at her hand. She looked down too and saw that she was indeed shaking slightly. "And-" He continued, moving his hand, still holding hers to her forehead. She suppressed a shiver. "You're freezing. No wonder you're cold." Lily closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly, trying to deny what he'd just made clear. "And you only get like this when you're in a self-loathing mood." Lily's eyes snapped open and she stared at James with surprise. James smiled knowingly, and moved her hand back to her side, stepping away slightly. Immediately, Lily felt colder. "That's what's wrong with you - you hate yourself. Something probably happened recently, and it makes you guilty, so you've directed every single ounce of dislike that you can find inside yourself towards you - just so that you can justify your guilt without feeling like an idiot, because I'm sure that what's happened isn't even your fault. That's why you won't take any stress draughts or socialise with anyone anymore - you feel like you don't deserve it." He paused slightly, giving Lily's brain a small chance to process what had just happened. "But you're WRONG. And I'm going to prove it to you, just as soon as I find out what this is all about - which I WILL. It's only a matter of time Lily, I'm going to bring you back. I promise." And with that James turned around and walked towards the door to the Hospital Wing, leaving Lily alone and stunned.
"You're wrong!" Lily called after him, but she let her voice trail off before she had finished speaking. Even to her ears, it sounded like another lie.
"Is everything ready?" Mary asked excitedly, hopping on her tiptoes out of excitement. Marlene glanced furtively at her and rolled her eyes.
"Everything's fine, it has been for ages. You know how long Frank's been planning this for, don't you?" She said, in a completely un-enthusiastic tone.
"But where IS Frank?" Mary asked, looking around.
"Probably finishing off something last minute, he'll tell us before he goes to get Alice, don't worry." Marlene said.
"Everything's so PERFECT." Mary said sighing happily, looking around her at the result of the several weeks of hard work that Frank, Marlene, Mary, and Lily (partly) had put into organising the party. The common room looked beautiful. There were gold and purple banners everywhere - Alice's favourite colours - all saying "Happy Sweet Sixteen Alice!", streamers, balloons...everything. Frank had even managed to somehow enchant minuscule pictures of Alice to fly around everywhere, making it truly feel like something dedicated to her (they were only made of light, so the chances of any hazardous accidents was severely limited). Every table and shelf of the common room had been completely cleared of books, pieces of parchment, stationary and everything else school-related, and their contents were replaced with flickering candles that could be dimmed or lowered using incantations, and snacks and drinks in glasses and bowls that refilled them automatically (it'd taken Mary an incredibly long time to sweet-talk the house elves into giving her the magic behind THAT, and even longer to figure out how to get it to work.). The common room looked perfect, and it was filled with people all waiting for Alice. Everyone was dressed formally in some way, even the guys who had actually opted for collared shirts over jeans instead of normal T-Shirts - still not as formal as the girls, who were all in dresses of some kind, but it was still something. The girls' clothes were a swathe of colour and styles, pink, yellow, blue, black - someone had even showed up wearing a dress enchanted to change according to their mood, probably a metamorphagus. The ambiance in the room was one of happy anticipation as everyone patiently awaited Alice's arrival - everyone was here for her because it was invitation only, due to the need of a password to get into the common room. Those that weren't interested in Alice's birthday had gone to the party that Johnathan and Lucius Malfoy were holding, one that was bound to be a rager considering that there was a lot more alcohol and potions involved in that event, with NO security whatsoever. The best part was that James had somehow managed to get the Gryffindor portrait to change the password for the night, so that non-Gryffindor students could also attend (providing they'd received the invitation with the new password and details of course). Mary turned back to Marlene, the skirt of her pink A-lined dress billowing out slowly as she did. Marlene was wearing a high-necked, knee-length blue dress, with a black border around the edges. It would've looked almost virginal if it wasn't for the fact that it was skin-tight and had small cuts at slightly above hip level, to show off her incredibly well defined abdominal muscles and flat stomach. Mary had been planning to buy something like that but then decided against it when she saw how much Marlene had wanted it. Marlene had rarely been interested in parties or gatherings of any kind since the death eater attack on her parents, and Mary didn't want to make things worse by causing a dress argument.
"Everything's perfect isn't it?" Marlene said smiling slightly.
"Yes, it is." Mary said. "Except...where's Lily?" Marlene's face fell.
"I don't know." She said looking around her quickly. "When was the last time you saw her?"
"Breakfast." Mary said. "I haven't seen her all day long."
"Well she was visiting Remus, maybe she just stuck around there." Marlene said, biting her lower lip, a sign of anxiety.
"For the whole day?" Mary countered. Just at that moment, the common room door opened and James walked in with Sirius and Remus.
"Oh thank goodness." Mary said, making her way over to them.
"Have any of you seen Lily?" Mary asked.
"Last time we checked, she was with you." Marlene said beside her.
"Have any of you seen Peter? He was supposed to be at the kitchens, but when I went to check, he wasn't there." Sirius asked, nudging James to elaborate, but James was still staring at Mary.
"What do you mean 'she was with us'? I mean, we did see her this morning, but that was over seven hours ago!"
"What?" Mary exclaimed. "Then where is she?"
Lily wearily walked back towards the common room. She'd made a last-minute decision to go to the library instead of back to the common room after her conversation with James and spent the whole day looking for spells and potions to stop someone from discovering your secrets, or to temporarily scramble their memories so they didn't remember certain things, or to stop feeling a certain way for someone. But everything that she'd come up with was either too dangerous or too drastic, or just plain impossible. So now she was walking back to the common room, dragging her feet defeatedly. She just hoped that her friends were out enjoying themselves. She couldn't deal with conversation right now, and the thought of having to fight to stay in the dormitory made bile rise in her throat. She just wanted to go to bed. That was all.
Lily approached the common room door and muttered the password expressionlessly. "Dried boomslang skin." The Fat Lady looked at her with a surprised expression, the pity showing in her eyes.
"You weren't invited to the party, dearie?" She asked.
"What party-" Lily started to say, but then the door to the common room swung open to reveal James. Lily stared at him, dressed in a black collared shirt over light-wash jeans, the pounding in her ears drowning out the Fat Lady's complaints about 'children these days'
"Lily!" He said breathlessly, like he'd suddenly swung open the door not out of his own volition. "Thank goodness, you're so late for the party!"
"W-what?" Lily said, starting to sway on her feet. A flash of concern lit up James' eyes, and he put a hand on her shoulder to steady her.
"Lucky for you, Alice isn't here yet. Frank just left to get her. Now come on, you need to get ready quickly." James said, starting to usher he inside. Lily's mind was a jumble of thoughts, caught on James' repeating words.
"The-the p-arty for Alice - surprise, quickly, tonight Frank-" She said in a fragmented way. James immediately stopped leading her inside, halfway over the threshold.
"Are you okay Lily?" He asked softly, obviously worried. She looked behind him, at the common room, at the decorations, at the food...at her friends, standing there waiting for her with anxious looks on their faces, and everyone else, staring at her out of curiosity as to WHY exactly Alice's best friend wasn't ready yet. Lily wasn't ready yet. More than that, she hadn't even been here to help with the decorations or the setting up or the food or...anything. She was more than just hopelessly late, she was inexcusably absent, she'd forgotten - FORGOTTEN about tonight, about what a big deal it was to Frank, about all of the hours that had been spent planning this even. She'd forgotten - because she hadn't been herself, because she'd been too preoccupied with her secrets and self-hate to pay attention to the people she loved. And it was shocking because it was her - the old Lily would never have forgotten about this party, or shirked her responsibilities like she just had. The old Lily would've known what he priorities were and not spent so long being selfish and self-destructive instead of helpful and productive. James was right - she WASN'T herself anymore, she'd lost that person a long time ago, and he was also correct in thinking that she needed to be brought back. With a considerably large amount of effort, she looked up at him and leaned in close, close enough that she could see each individual eyelash on his face and the different tones of his skin. "Help me." She whispered with the last ounce of strength she could feel she had. "Please."
And that's when Lily fainted.
"Hey Alice!" Frank said, calling out to her when he saw her back. She turned around to face him, smiling, and he experienced a sudden jolt of pain and happiness in the look of surprise and slight hurt in her eyes. She thought that no one remembered that tomorrow was her birthday - not even him. But hopefully she'd find out how wrong she was about that soon enough. "What's up?" He asked when he finally reached her, standing about 3cm away, facing her. To his surprise, she didn't reply, but instead slid her arms around him, holding him tight. Slightly dazed, he held her to him. "What's wrong Al?" He whispered, pulling back to face her. To his shock, he saw that there were tears in her eyes.
"I just...really love you, you know?" She said. He was even more confused now. He took her face in his hands, wiping away her tears softly using his thumbs.
"I know you do Al, I love you too, but what's this about?" He asked, puzzled. She took some time to stop crying, and when she'd finally stopped gasping for breath, she smiled up at him.
"Nothing, I'm just being an idiot. I was thinking about the war, and how so many people have lost family members and people they love, and I know it's selfish, but...I really like my life Frank. I don't want to lose anyone, I don't want to stop living like this. I don't want to lose Lily, Mary, Marlene, YOU, James, Sirius...anyone! And I know it's stupid, because soon we'll be graduating and I'll probably lose everyone then, but-" She broke off, shaking her head. "I just...don't want things to change Frank. I mean, obviously they will, but I don't want them to change-to change in THAT way. I know it's stupid and selfish of me, you can say so." Frank shook his head at her, and held her to him again. She held him back tightly, like she'd never let him go.
"Okay, first of all, you're not being selfish by being unoriginal." He said. He felt her small laugh go through him, and smiled. "You want what everyone wants, and for good reason - I mean come on, no one wants to see things change! Especially in the way that we've seen them change for others. Growing up sucks anyway, we don't need it to be guaranteed that the last time that we see the people we love will definitely be school. But-" He pulled back to face her. "Worrying about it only wastes the time that we DO have right now. And I promise that I will do my BEST to make sure that things don't change too much after college, and that our lives DON'T change in THAT way - we all will, but that doesn't change the fact that right NOW we could be doing more fun things instead of worrying about the ever-changing future - I mean, isn't there a reason you dropped Divination? No one can predict that!" Alice started laughing and broke away from him, keeping her hand in his as they started to walk towards the Gryffindor Common Room side by side.
"Yeah, even a quiet night in the common room is more fun than trying to figure out whether we'll end up being aurors or healers or teachers." She said, giggling happily. Frank smiled at the sound of her laugh, and silently prayed that tonight would turn out to be a lot more than a 'quiet night' in the common room.
***
James caught Lily as she fainted, suddenly acutely aware of her presence. His mind struggled to catch up with his actions as he moved out of his own volition, carrying her quickly, one arm under her knees and the other supporting her shoulders. As he pushed through the crowds and settled her on a couch in front of the fireplace, he couldn't help but be especially aware of how thin she'd become. Everywhere he looked, she was hard and bony, all sharp angles with skin stretched tautly over bones. He moved on to adjusting her position on the couch, moving her so that her face was to the ceiling and she was in no danger of falling off. His mind kept on taking him back to the moment right before she'd collapsed, the expression on her face, the complete despair in her eyes, the way she'd weakly whispered "Help me. Please." Somehow he didn't think that she'd been referring to him catching her. Her words had meant something more, something to do with the epiphany she'd had. It seemed to him that Lily had finally realised how much she'd changed, and how right he was to want to bring her back - but that still didn't explain why she'd fainted.
"Exhaustion, most probably." Sirius said gravely. James glanced at him, surprised, and then looked back at Lily after determining that he hadn't been speaking aloud. He knew that his best friends knew about his still-existing feelings for Lily, but he didn't like to endorse his pathetic 'crush' (even though it felt like it was so much than that) on her more than he had to.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to look at them, not taking his hand off Lily's shoulder.
"Thanks a lot James." Marlene said. He just nodded, not acknowledging her gratitude. There was no thanks necessary, he'd only done what anyone in his position would have. "But I think that we should take her up to the dormitories now, you know? Let her sleep it off."
James nodded curtly, carrying Lily to the end of the staircase and then letting Mary and Marlene support her. He didn't take his eyes off her red hair until she was gone. Remus came to stand beside James and clapped him on the shoulder reassuringly.
"She'll be fine." He said. James looked at him and nodded.
"I know." He said.
Now he just had to find a way to believe it.
Lily woke up with a dull ache in her head. She sat up, wincing slightly, a drowsy feeling overcoming. She reached for the glass of water that...whoever had brought her up here, Mary and Marlene probably...had left for her on the bedside table, and caught a glimpse of a note. She picked it up and read it quickly, recognising Marlene's untidy hurried scrawl:
"Have to go surprise Alice with the party - Be back soon, I promise!" Lily dropped the note and quickly hopped out of bed. She picked up the glass of water and drained it in half a second, already reaching to open the wardrobe door. She had to get ready quickly. Alice's party awaited, and she couldn't be any later - or absent - than she already was. She quickly pulled out an outfit that the girls had bought for her a week ago, a backless dress down to a little above her knees, with netted long sleeves. She dressed quickly, careful not to tear the material or accidentally jam the zip - there was no time to resolve those issues. She dragged a comb through her hair, put on some lip balm, and grabbed her heels on the way out, hastily putting them on while walking away simultaneously.
When it came to multitasking in moments of crisis, Lily Evans was a star.
"I'm worried about her." James said to Remus in a low voice. Remus glanced at him, following his gaze to the staircase leading to the girls' dormitories. He smiled, and shook his head.
"So am I, James, but there isn't anything we can do about it. We can't even go and visit her, so the best thing to do is to keep in touch with Mary and Marlene to see when she's better." He said soothingly. James looked at Remus gratefully.
"You're right." He said, sighing. "We just have to hope that she'll be fine. There isn't anything else we CAN do anyway."
"That's exactly right." Remus said.
"What are you guys talking about?" A voice interrupted. Remus and James both glanced at the newcomer and then grinned.
"Where have you been Wormtail? You didn't even visit Remus this morning. We missed you." James asked Peter, clapping him on the back. Peter smiled apologetically.
"Sorry." He said meekly. "I had some things to do. My sister wasn't well, so I went to visit her for a bit at the gates."
"I hope she's alright." Remus said, concerned.
"Oh, she's fine." Peter said, brushing off his concern. "Anyway, I'm sorry for not being around."
"Think nothing of it." James said.
"Guys!" Mary hissed. "The door's opening!"
"Thank goodness, I made it." A new voice said. James turned around, and for the second time that day, stared at the person who'd interrupted in disbelief.
"Lily..." Marlene began in a worried whisper, but then the door opened completely to reveal an anxious Frank and a very puzzled looking Alice.
"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled at the same time.
"Boiled firewhiskey." Frank said as he stepped up to the door to the Gryffindor dormitory. Alice looked at him in surprise, and the Fat Lady rolled her eyes.
"Another one of you." She said, beginning to swing forward.
"I thought the password was 'Dried Boomslang skin'!" Alice exclaimed, surprised. "When did it change?" The door stopped moving and the Fat Lady stared at them both.
"You mean she doesn't know?" She asked, wide-eyed. Alice turned to Frank, confused.
"I don't know what?" She asked.
"Nothing...James just changed the password for the night, a laugh really, 'boiled firewhiskey' - because most people believe that its power is reduced once you boil it, but that isn't actually true." Frank said, thinking of a lie on the spot (although the part about boiling firewhiskey was actually true, something he'd picked up from the Seventh-years he tutored). "Now, could we go in please?" He asked. Alice looked at him questioningly, confused about what exactly was going on. She knew Frank, and she knew that he wouldn't look so nervous unless he was lying or planning something - or both.
"Frank-" She began to say, "What's going o-", but she was cut off as the door swung open, and a huge shriek greeted her.
"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled together, creating a wall of sound that only scrambled Alice's senses more as she tried to make sense of what she was seeing. The common room was completely different from the last time she'd seen it - all of the books and papers were gone, and it was perfectly decorated for a party of some kind. She caught a glimpse of countless banners with "Happy Sweet Sixteen Alice!" written on them, and dozens of little 3D projections of her pictures dashing around, going through people constantly. She saw all her friends, dressed up for the occasion. There was Marcus from Transfiguration, and Dorcas from Defence against the Dark Arts, and Selene from Astronomy, and countless others. Her gaze finally came to rest on the people closest to her, Mary, Marlene, the Marauders (including Remus, excluding Peter who appeared to be missing), and Lily (Even Lily, who'd been antisocial and sick for so long!), all grinning at her and laughing, trying to gauge her reaction. She turned to Frank. "What-what...what's going on?" She managed to stammer out, watching as his eyes lit up and he chuckled, taking her hand.
"It's your surprise birthday party." He said in a low voice. "Happy Sweet Sixteen Alice." Alice turned back to everyone, stunned. They looked on edge now, anxious about her reaction. She felt herself grin and then laughed happily.
"Thank you!" She said, and felt all of her friends descend upon her, first Mary and Marlene and Lily, and then the Marauders. Frank joined in last, grinning and still holding her hand. Everyone else resumed their conversations and activities, as though nothing had happened. When they'd finished hugging, everyone pulled back and looked at Alice. She grinned and looked around at her circle of friends happily.
"Did you like it?" Frank asked anxiously.
"I loved it!" Alice said, giggling happily. "Whose idea was it?" She asked.
"Frank's." Everyone except Frank said automatically. Frank looked sheepish, suddenly finding his shoes very interesting.
"Well, everyone helped out a lot." He said. "I can't take sole credit."
"Don't listen to him." Lily said, smiling weakly. "It was his idea."
"Yeah, I mean, the rest of us did quite a few things for this, but Frank probably ended up doing the most." Marlene said, looking at Frank irritably. "Except he's just being annoyingly modest." Frank looked as if he were about to respond, but Alice cut him off.
"Well, thank you. Thank you all, I love it. But I'd better go up to the dorms and find something to wear - I can't be underdressed at my own party!" She said.
"Good, we got something for you." Mary said.
"Really?" Alice asked, wondering how dear Mary had had the foresight to buy Alice something for the party that she'd been planning.
"Yeah, it was FRANK'S IDEA." Marlene said, shooting a glare at Frank, who just shook his head and turned away, smiling.
"Lily come on, you should get back to the dorms too." Mary said, reaching for her friend. Lily stepped away from the guiding hand.
"No, I'm fine." She said steadily. Marlene and Mary exchanged glances.
"Lily, you just fainted-" Marlene began in a concerned tone, but Alice interrupted her.
"You FAINTED?" She asked in a horrified tone. Frank also looked aghast.
"What are you doing on your feet Lily, you should be resting." He said, also reaching out for her, along with Marlene, Mary and Alice. Lily took another step back, straight into James. She quickly stepped to the side and glanced at him apologetically.
"I'm not going anywhere." She said, folding her arms with a scowl on her face, like a sulking child.
"Lily, come on-" Alice began in a tired voice, but James cut her off.
"She's not going to listen, she's too stubborn for that. Just leave her down here, I'll keep an eye on her." James said, smiling lazily.
"But James-" Alice began, but James shook his head and she stopped speaking.
"I promise-" He began in a mock-serious tone. "I shall catch her if she faints again, and carry her to the sofa once more. Have faith in me, I can do this." Despite herself, Alice smiled, and turned to Frank. Mary and Marlene started to walk towards the dormitories.
Alice took both of Frank's hands. He looked down at her, surprised.
"Was it really your idea?" She asked, guiding his hands to her waist, where he let them rest and twining her arms around his neck.
"Well, they helped-" Frank began to say, but Alice cut him off.
"Was it your idea?" She said more sternly. He sighed.
"Yes." He said. Without another word, Alice raised herself up onto her tiptoes and kissed him, trying to convey her gratitude through her actions. When they stopped, she dropped back onto her feet and he rested his forehead against hers.
"I love you." She whispered.
"I love you too." He said, saying the words that she'd heard everytime she'd said that to him. She nodded, and then gently removed his hands from her waist, letting go of his hand only when she started to walk away, towards the dormitories.
Lily looked up at James in surprise. "You're the one that caught me, and carried me in?" She asked.
"Well, you did kind of faint ON ME." James said. Lily winced with embarrassment. "Who else do you suppose could have done it?" Lily shrugged, looking away.
"So, why didn't you join them?" James asked. Lily looked back at him, surprised.
"Because...they picked out the dress. They should go and show it to her. I don't need to be there. And besides-" She struggled to keep holding James' gaze. "I'm fine." James looked away at once, smiling knowingly.
"No you're not." He said immediately, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Lily was instantly reminded of the morning, and how they'd had a similar conversation then. She sighed.
"We are NOT talking about this again. I told you this morning, and I'll tell you again- I'M FINE." She said determinedly, beginning to turn away. James lightly put a finger to a chin and turned her head back to face him, leaning close as he did so. Immediately, Lily felt her heart start to beat faster.
"And like I said this morning-" He said in a low voice. "I know what's wrong with you, and I'm not going to let it go." Lily shook her head and stepped away, despite herself.
"I'm tired of repeating myself, but you're WRONG." She said tiredly, trying to get some conviction into her voice. James shook his head.
"I'm right. In fact, I know exactly what's going on with you right now." He said. Lily raised an eyebrow.
"And what would that be?" She said, stepping closer to him again.
"You hate yourself even more now that you missed Alice's party, but you can't allow yourself to remain antisocial and closed in upon yourself. You need to be Lily Evans - loyal friend, hard-working student, trustworthy ally - you can't continue to shirk your responsibilities and keep making your friends worried for the luxury of isolation." Lily's heart started to beat faster, though for an entirely different reason now. "So now, you're going to do your best to pretend that everything's fine, when in fact, you're only doing what you need to do - you aren't anywhere near 'fine' yet - not even close, because at this rate, you're just going to keep on hating yourself for being - as you would call it - selfish and not being there for your friends, no matter how much you do to fix it. All that's happened is that you've found another reason to loathe yourself - if anything, things have gotten worse, not better."
"You're wrong." Lily said in a shaky voice, trying to convince herself as well as him. James smiled sadly.
"No, unfortunately, I'm right. Now if only I knew what you felt so guilty about in the first place, maybe I could get to the bottom of this." He said thoughtfully. A feeling of panic overcame Lily and she struggled to keep calm. She had to keep James from finding out about the source of her guilt.
"How about a bet?" She said as steadily as she could. An amused expression took over James face. "If you can find out what's 'wrong with me' by the end of tonight, you win, and I'll admit that you've been right all along. If you can't find anything, because there is indeed "nothing wrong with me", then I win, and you extend me the same courtesy. What do you say?" James smiled, amused. Lily's morale fell, she'd expected him to be unhappy about such a short-term bet.
"Alright then." He said, reaching a hand out to her. She met it with her own, struggling to stop trembling, and they shook hands, to signify the closing of a deal, the cementing of a bet. "Until the end of tonight. I'll see you later." And suddenly, he was gone, pushing through the crowd to begin his investigation. Lily leaned on a table to keep herself from falling over.
She'd bet for more than just the satisfaction of being right. She'd gambled for the concealment of her heart's deepest secrets - and she Had. To. Win.
"Sirius!" A voice called. Sirius turned around, a glass of butterbeer in his hand, and smiled at his best friend approaching him panickedly. "I need your help." James said as soon as he reached Sirius, taking the glass out of his hand and draining it in one gulp. Sirius looked at his hand and then at James in mock horror. James chuckled. "I needed a glass." He said. "Get another." Sirius rolled his eyes and muttered something about "If you didn't let me live with you, I might-" James raised an eyebrow.
"What was that?" He asked coolly. Sirius sighed.
"Nothing." He said. "Now what's got you in such a blind panic?"
"I need your help." James repeated, focussed again.
"So I gathered." Sirius said, reaching for a second glass. "What with, may I ask?"
"Lily says that I need to find out what's wrong with her today or I have to admit that she's right." James said seriously. Sirius chuckled, amused. He'd always known that James and Lily's argument would come to a head soon enough, but he hadn't thought it would be this soon. They always had fights like this, that ended on a bet stating that the winner would get to be right, and the loser could never challenges the winner concerning that particular incident again. But despite all of the similarities, Sirius could feel that this dispute was different from all of the others for some reason - significant somehow. He was starting to understand why James was so hell-bent on finding out what was wrong with Lily this time.
"So I suppose you require my sleuthing skills, as they're superior to yours?" Sirius said dryly, a cheeky smile beginning to appear on his face.
"Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but-" James began to say, but then caught sight of Sirius' expression. "Oh." He finished weakly. Sirius nodded, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
James sighed in submission. "I am begging you to grace me with your company and use your superior sleuthing skills to help me solve this problem."He said through gritted teeth. "There, happy?" He said, looking at Sirius indignantly. Sirius laughed, and clapped James on the back.
"Incredibly." He said. "Now where should we start?"
"Where do I start?" Peter asked Remus, looking at the great spread of food in front of him, and back at his empty plate. Remus shrugged.
"I don't know." He said. "Just eat what you'd like." Peter immediately started piling food onto his plate, creating mountains of food. Remus glanced at him amusedly. Peter caught his expression and put his plate down, looking sheepish.
"I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day." He said, by means of explanation, continuing to put more on his plate.
"Why not?" Remus said, picking up a chicken wing and putting it onto his plate. "Were you visiting your sister all day?" He asked.
"What sister?" Peter asked, preoccupied with the task of finding a way to transfer the largest amount of gravy possible onto his plate without spilling any. Remus furrowed his eyebrows.
"Your only sister - the one you said you spent your whole day with?" He said. Peter's eyes flashed with something strange for an instant and then returned to normal. "Oh, right. My sister, yes, I didn't have any lunch today because of that." He said, moving along the table. Remus stayed where he was, a troubled expression on his face. He'd probably imagined it, but he couldn't help feeling as though he'd seen a flash of fear and...malice in Peter's eyes when he'd asked him about his sister.
"Are you sure this is going to work Sirius?" James asked, looking at his best friend incredulously. Sirius just smiled, looking at the blank wall in front of them with an excited look in his eyes.
"I don't know." He said honestly. "But it's our best bet. Even if we could get to the girls' dormitories, which we can't, we couldn't actually investigate anything because of obvious privacy issues, so there isn't really anywhere else to go. You've already talked to the other girls, right?"
"Yes." James said. "They said that she's been having nightmares about me, and that it was because she's guilty about the way that she used to treat us." Sirius raised his eyebrows.
"Do you think that's true?" He asked, surprised. "I don't - I mean, we all know that she doesn't blame US for how we acted back then, why would she blame herself?"
"Exactly." James agreed. "And even IF she did feel guilty about it, it doesn't explain the months of depression - she'd talk to us about it, and not waste so much time brooding."
"Are you sure about this?" Sirius asked, looking at James sideways. "I mean, I'd understand if you felt wrong doing it - SHE'D understand."
"Yes." James said with conviction. "She gave me permission to investigate, this isn't wrong." A dark look came over his face. "And besides, I'm worried about her. Every single day that she spends living for others instead of herself pushes her closer to self-destruction."
"I know what you mean." Sirius said grimly. "So, you want to try this?" James nodded silently. He stepped closer to the wall, and put his hand on it.
"I need to know the truth about Lily Evans." he said.
"Alice!" Lily said, walking up to her briskly. Frank and Alice broke apart, and looked at Lily. Lily smiled meekly. "I'm sorry... am I interrupting?" She asked awkwardly. Alice shook her head, looking concerned.
"Are you okay? Do you feel weak?" She asked, clasping Lily's shoulders. Lily rolled her eyes and took a step back.
"I'm fine." She said, putting all of her strength into her voice to make it sound convincing. "I just need to make sure that you don't tell James anything about me if he asks." Alice furrowed her eyebrows.
"Is this another one of your bets?" She asked, smiling.
"Yes." Lily said, amused at how easily Alice guessed what it was about. "So don't tell him ANYTHING, especially to do with why I've been off these past few months." Alice's face fell. A cold feeling of dread overtook Lily.
"You already told him, didn't you?" She asked in a ghost of a whisper, trying to keep her voice steady. Alice looked shocked.
"Well, yes, but why is that such a bad thing for you - is there something more to this?" Alice asked. Lily swallowed hard, and forced a smile upon her face.
"No, of course not. Naught's had, all's spent I suppose." She said. "It's Shakespeare." She said in response to their confused expressions. "I need a drink." She said abruptly, and then walked away quickly, before her façade failed her completely.
"What are you doing out here, big brother?" Sirius turned around, the ash from his cigarette spilling slightly as he did. He was outside in the grounds now, he needed a smoke, and he didn't feel like smoking alone inside. It was much more courteous and lonely to do it outside.
"Regulus." He said sadly. "I was hoping that you wouldn't be here. And that you'd have stopped calling me that by now." Regulus' face turned ashen, and his eyes hardened.
"Yes, well, bad habits are hard to break." Regulus said maliciously. "You'd know better than most."
"What do you mean by that?" Sirius said menacingly. Regulus raised his hands in mock surrender, a cold smile playing on his lips.
"Easy brother, I was simply referring to your tobacco addiction." He said mockingly. "Though of course, if you do have doubts about your social disposition, there's still hope for you yet. I don't mind traitors as much as dear Mother." Without another word, Sirius threw his cigarette at Regulus, a bored expression on his face. The younger Black cried out as it hit his cheek, leaving behind some lit ash before falling to the ground. Regulus screamed, brushing off the remaining ash. Sirius watched him coldly, while taking out another cigarette and lighting it by whispering 'Incendio' under his breath. He leaned close to Regulus, who stumbled away fearfully, scared of the lit cigarette in Sirius' mouth. Sirius took the cigarette out and held it (strategically) very close to Regulus' face as he spoke in a low, menacing tone.
"Listen to me, dear BROTHER." The word took on a mocking feel when he said it. "I would rather live as I do, with real friends that care for me, with a real family made of people that actually love me than live a single second in your pathetic shoes. I would never spend all of my time or energy seeking the attention of those that constantly shun you like you do, and let's be honest here - if I'd chosen the path that you did, they probably wouldn't. So never try to be derogatory about MY life or MY decisions, because the sin of irony is incredibly hard to repay." He moved back slightly. "There's no need to be afraid of me. I won't waste another second on you, let alone a cigarette. You aren't worth my time anymore. You haven't been for a while. And, unlike me apparently, there ISN'T any hope for you left." And with that, Sirius turned around and walked away, hopefully for the last time, from another piece of the world that he'd left behind.
"Sirius wait!" Regulus called after him. "I'm sorry, please don't leave!"
But the ex-Black was already gone.
"Padfoot!" James said, catching up to Sirius. Sirius turned around and looked at James, his cold expression softening. "Where have you been?" James asked. "I've been looking for you everywhere, I need to-" He stopped suddenly, catching Sirius' gaze. "What's wrong?" He asked. Sirius shook his head, smiling falsely. James put a hand on his shoulder.
"If I can't hide something from you, you must be stupid to think you can conceal something from me." Sirius smiled more genuinely.
"Nothing, I just ran into my sham of a little brother when I went outside for a smoke and it infuriated me. Little snotbag was insulting my way of living - can you believe the delusion? I can't believe I even share any blood with him." Sirius said, livid.
"Did you just say 'snotbag'?" James asked. Sirius nodded, and then burst into laughter along with James, their merry peals at Sirius' apt choice of vocabulary echoing down the halls.
"Anyway," James said when they'd finally stopped laughing. "Sharing blood, doesn't make you alike in any way. I know you 're ashamed to be a part of your family, but you aren't - not if you don't want to be. You've got nothing to do with them anymore - it's what you chose - you're free of them now. Continuing to brood about such unfortunate circumstances is unwise."
"Thanks Prongs." Sirius said gratefully. "Now why were you madly searching for me? Can you really not function properly sans moi?" James rolled his eyes and punched Sirius in the shoulder.
"No you idiot, we need to talk about what we saw in the room of requirement and what it means." He said. The amused look left Sirius' face and a grim look came over his face.
"Right." He said. "We do."
"Thank you." Alice said into Frank's shoulder as they swayed on the dance floor. Frank pulled back slightly, surprised.
"For what?" He asked. Alice pulled back completely, smiling dreamily in Frank's face. The cake had been cut, the party poppers opened, the gifts safely put away, and almost everyone had left, except for those few who were especially close friends with Alice and company, or simply wanted to help clean up. In short, the party was almost over, and Frank and Alice were enjoying the last few songs before the music had to be shut down and the cleaning up had to properly begin.
"For existing." She said simply, and then put her head back on Frank's shoulder. Frank stroked her hair softly, as they swayed slowly to the beat.
"Well thank you for existing too." He said. "Really, you make my life better. You make everyone's life better." Alice pulled back again, and looked at Frank as though she was amused.
"Stop describing yourself." She said shortly, a smile playing on her lips. Frank grinned.
"I love you." He said. "Do you know that Al?" Alice nodded, putting her head back on his shoulder.
"I know." She said in a muffled voice. "And I love you too."
"Alice?" Frank asked tentatively, not wanting to disturb her. Alice made an annoyed sound.
"I love you Frank, but please don't keep on letting me put my head back on your shoulder and THEN addressing me. You know I hate conversation that isn't face to face, and it's tedious to keep on repeating the same actions." Alice said irritably, her body sagging a little more. Frank was careful to shift his position so that he could support her more effectively.
"You don't need to pull back." He said. "Are you tired?" Silently, Alice nodded.
"Then we won't talk." He said. His fingers crept away from the lump in his pocket. There was a time and place for everything, and it obviously wasn't now - no matter how perfect it would've been right after her birthday party.
"Looks like the party's over." James said, coming to stand beside Lily. She glanced up at him wide-eyed and surprised, and set her jaw, looking back at Frank and Alice.
"I suppose it is." She said. "Did you find anything?" James shook his head, and stepped in front of her, blocking her view of the dance floor.
"How about we talk about it while dancing?" He asked. Lily felt a shiver go through her as she looked at his hazel eyes, sharp cheekbones, and catching smile. She'd never been more overcome by how much she loved him - she loved every plane of his face, every sharp edge of his personality, every infuriatingly annoying part of his attitude, every smile, every laugh...everything. And she wanted nothing more than to go out on the dance floor with him - but...that was precisely why she couldn't. It was wrong of her to feel this way, but it would've been even more wrong to act on her feelings. But James was asking her as a friend, surely she could accept? But could she trust HERSELF to accept as a friend, to dance as a friend, to feel as a friend? Probably not - but if she could conceal it, was it really wrong? Everyone had a guilty pleasure, and hers was loving James Potter - and secretly allowing herself to oblige in this feeling, despite it being wrong.
"I'd love that." She said, taking his hand and stepping closer to him. His other hand went to her waist, and her other hand went to his shoulder, and then they were dancing, like they'd been partners their entire life, like they'd been waltzing together since forever, like they were more than just two friends trying to settle a bet. And the best/worst part was that whenever James twirled her around, she could feel her heart soar, with freedom and emotion that she hadn't let it feel for much too long.
"So, about the bet." James said, after what he felt was a suitable interval. Lily's eyes snapped open, and her expression of serenity changed to one of stress. The action caused a pinprick of pain in James' heart, and he silently prayed that his plan would work. Lily nodded mutely, so James continued speaking. "I found it. I know what's wrong with you." James saw Lily's eyes flash with confidence and fear, as she half-smiled with self-assurance. "And I don't know why you'd feel guilty about it - I mean, I understand, you spent years thinking that way, and now you suddenly don't. And it might feel wrong, but you have EVERY RIGHT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. There is NO reason for you to think badly of yourself for it, and cut yourself off from everyone because you're somehow a bad person for having these emotions. None at all. In fact-" James stopped as Lily cut him off. Her expression had gone from being smug about her victory to shock in her failure.
"James, stop." She said smiling in a strange way. James smiled, amused.
"Why, do you think I'm wrong?" He said. Lily shook her head, a serious look coming over her face.
"Let me say it." She whispered pleadingly. James nodded mutely. Lily took a deep breath, closing her eyes, the words 'naught's had, all's spent' echoing in her thoughts, and began to say the three words that she never thought that she'd say to James, for a million different reasons. Aside from the fact that it was wrong of her to feel this way, it was the usual anxiety of him possibly not feeling the same way. But now it was time for her to completely let her guard down and let everything go. She was still scared, but if James knew and he was still here talking to her and telling her such things, then he was obviously not angry or even awkward about it, and therefore, there was no reason for her to fear his reaction.
Three words. Eight letters. Who knew it could mean so much?
"I love you." Lily said, her eyes still closed. The silence hung between them like a cloth separating them, Lily's anxiety growing by the second. She felt James take his hands off her and step away. She opened her eyes in shock and saw James' face, an expression of horror displayed plainly on his features. Lily felt her stomach fall away and her vision went black as she tried to process what had just happened without falling apart.
James hadn't really known about the reason behind Lily's behaviour.
She'd won the bet.
And lost at the same time.
Because even if he hadn't known before, James knew now.
The guard was down, the secrets were gone, but the torture wasn't over.
In fact, it was just beginning.
Because now, James knew that she loved him.
And it was All. Her. Fault.
AN: I actually LOVE the way that ends. :D I hope you guys liked the Gossip Girl reference I sneaked in there. :P Anyway, ALL FEEDBACK SHALL BE APPRECIATED. =)
Until Chapter 4,
~HarryPotterForever1997
