Chapter 3: WTF, Kakuzu?!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: Kakuzu is annoyed with all of the Hidan fans. So is Hidan.

A/N: Focused on Hidan's shit, so I grouped a lot of customers together.

I wanted Hidan to go on a rampage and start wounding people, but I ended up not doing that because his weapons were gone by the time he went outside. Damn it…

WARNING: Sexual Content (nothing graphic). Cursing. Crack. (Just my usual stuff, really.)

[EDIT I changed the gender of Marisu, because I'm a dunderhead and didn't realize that 'Marisu' was 'Mary Sue.' Also, I added the Bible to Satoshi's(Nekokyuurei's) list of shit he bought. Yay! I'm not abandoning this story, I was just being emo or something.

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Kakuzu had a nervous twitch going in his left eye.

Why?

Well, there was a crowd of Hidan fanatics screeching at the top of their lungs, holding up money and gnashing their teeth at each other like a pack of rabid dogs fighting over a juicy steak.

"Scythe! Rosary! Bible! Lingerie! OMFG his dirty, bloody shirts!"

"God damn people! For the last time! Hidan doesn't wear his shirts!"

"Can you grab some of his clean shirts then and rub them all over him after a ritual? Please?" Lina, who lived around the block, said.

Kakuzu seriously considered murdering her just to make an example for the others.

"NO. No one bothers Hidan after a ritual. Not even me."

"Hey, I'll give you whatever you want for the scythe!" Satoshi, the kid who liked to steal empty cans of Pledge out of the Akatsuki's garbage, said.

"No, he'll just write you a bounced check!" a girl with curly black hair said. "I got hard cash! $500!"

Kakuzu snorted.

"Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that thing out here without Hidan knowing?"

"$1500!"

Kakuzu inhaled sharply.

"Sold!"

"How much for his lingerie?!" A little girl yelled shrilly.

"Where are your parents? I can't sell a little kid lingerie!" Kakuzu said angrily. In fact, all of his customers were teens at best.

"$200 for this black lacy set!" a blonde girl said, shaking the gauzy thing in Kakuzu's face. He might have protested, but she also waved two hundred dollar bills in the old miser's face, and any thoughts of how wrong it was to sell sexy lingerie to a little kid fled from his mind.

"Sold."

"Please…money is NO object! I HAVE to have his rosary!!" a red headed girl with a cigarette in her mouth said, bouncing up and down.

"If I don't get the rosary, I'm going to SCREAM!" another girl with dark curly hair said.

"I'll give you a blank check!" the red head insisted. The brunette grabbed the check and ripped it in two.

"That check is fake! It came out of a box of Naruto O's!" The brunette said angrily, pulling money out of her jean pocket and slapping four hundred dollars on the table.

With a look of incredulous rage, the red head put out her cigarette and pointed at the money.

"Her bills are counterfeit! Please, I have a whole check book, I'll pay ANYTHING!"

"Sorry, cash only."

Kakuzu handed over the rosary to the brunette. She slipped it around her neck and squealed like a fangirl (XD), and it was so high pitched that the house windows shuddered and car alarms all down the street started going off.

"Alright, stop it!" Kakuzu howled, hands clapped over his ears.

The girl quieted down, but she didn't leave. She rummaged through the rest of the things, thankfully (for the author at least) non Hidan related.

"Can I have some of Hidan's lingerie, then?" the red head said, holding a bright red lacy set with a mysterious ripped hole in the chest.

"Yeah…are you done now?"

"No, I have GOT to check out Dei's scope!"

The girl skipped rather Tobi-like over to the table dedicated to Deidara's stuff, which was also rather overcrowded.

Kakuzu wondered idly if maybe he should try to get some Hidei action on tape…these fangirls would probably pay out the ass for it…so to speak…

"I'll give you fifty bucks for Hidan's voodoo kit," the girl who bought the scythe said.

"Sure thing, kid."

Kakuzu handed over the rather squashed box, and then nearly fell out of his chair when an owl swooped down on him.

It stuck its leg out, and Kakuzu stared.

The girl with the voodoo kit smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry…my friend has been sending me mail via owl post for the past three months."

She grabbed the owl, pulled off the card that had been tied to the bird's leg, and trotted over to her friends, one of which looked rather like a mini version of Harry Potter.

The old missing Falls nin slid down his mask and popped his heart meds into his mouth. He took a sip of his Coke, and vowed to never again do this. The money almost wasn't worth the stress it put on his heart.

Kakuzu looked down at his Bag O' Money and patted it lovingly.

A little girl with pig tails and what looked like a bad case of chicken pox set Hidan's hair gel and a pink shirt with long bell sleeves and ruffled cuffs on the table.

"I really wanted to get the scythe," she whined.

"Too bad, it's gone, pig tails," Kakuzu growled.

The girl paid for her stuff, and Kakuzu slipped the money in his bag.

"Oy! Grandpa!" Satoshi, the boy with a Pledge fetish yelled, making Kakuzu jump.

"Damn it, kid, don't creep up on me like that!"

"Whatever…I'm all set."

Satoshi put Hidan's Bible, the herd of My Little Ponies, a box of Candy Cane Crack and an old rusted can of Pledge on the table.

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes.

"I don't recall bringing that ancient can of Pledge from 1937 out here…"

Satoshi glanced around suspiciously.

"Er…I found it…"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Whatever."

"Since I didn't get the scythe…can I have one of Hidan's spikes?" Satoshi asked, sniffing at the Pledge can.

"Sure…why not?"

Kakuzu took the kid's money, and Satoshi ran off, planning to get stoned off of CCC and make My Little Pony kebabs…

The old missing Falls nin petted his money bag again, not in the least bit concerned about the fact that he was selling crack and weapons to minors.

All was rather peaceful until the door banged open and Hidan stormed out, pink eyes bulging with rage.

"What the fuck, Kakuzu?! Oh HELL no, you are NOT making money off of my shit, you old fairy ass mother fucker!"

Hidan ran over to the girl wielding his rosary and pried it out of her hands. However, Kakuzu detached his arms and grabbed Hidan by his hair, pulling him away and handing the rosary back to its new owner.

All of the Hidan fans who were still there squealed and crowded around Hidan, tugging at his cloak and touching every spot of him they could reach.

"QUIT IT! Fuck off, ass wipes!"

Lina was bold enough to slip his ring off his finger.

"Hey hey hey! Give me back my ring, bitch!"

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIDAN!" screeched a girl running down the street.

Kakuzu saw who it was and ducked underneath his table. Hidan would have hid too, but the fans were too strong.

The feared girl was Lauren, the impossible bitch that lived down the street. Old Mrs. Figg, who was rolling by in her wheelchair, paused to let her bulldog Ripper defecate on the Akatsuki lawn while growling and sniping about the gothic girl.

"So much metal in her face it looks like she was hit with shrapnel…strutting around like a whore…terrorizes the neighborhood kids…shameful…"

Lauren flicked the old woman off (her usual greeting) and the fans crowding around Hidan fled before her.

"Oh my God, you're having a garage sale!" Lauren yelled, blowing a heart shaped puff of smoke from her cigarette at Hidan.

Without fangirls holding him down, Hidan was able to distance himself from the Goth.

"Hey, I got one fucking word for you! Restraining order!" Hidan screamed, pointing his finger angrily at the girl.

Lauren smirked around her cigarette and grabbed Zetsu's giant Terra Cotta pot.

"Psh! If you call the cops, I'll just have to tell them that you're selling crack and weapons to minors…"

"Fuck you!"

"Gladly."

Hidan flushed. Then he looked over at the table Kakuzu was hiding under.

"Hey, you pansy, come the fuck out of there! I'm not going to deal with this crazy woman by myself! And you owe me an explanation for this! How am I supposed to pray without my shit?!"

Kakuzu crawled out from under the table, gripping his Bag O' Money as if it were his newborn child.

"Shouldn't faith alone be enough?" Kakuzu grunted distractedly. He was actually backing up slowly, planning on escaping. However, Lauren quickly tossed items in the giant pot and threw it on the 'checkout' table.

"You can run away after I pay for my stuff...old man…"

Kakuzu felt a heart attack coming on. Being within kicking distance of her was not wise.

Inside the pot was Pein's piercing kit, a pack of Konan's cigarettes (Konan and Lauren loathed each other something awful) and yet another set of Hidan's lingerie.

Hidan stalked over to the table when he saw the familiar lacy thing and paled.

"I don't fucking believe you! This is…my most…you fucking bastard! You will fucking DIE!"

"Oh, shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu growled.

"You're wearing lingerie right now, aren't you?" Lauren asked slowly, tossing her cigarette onto the cement and stamping it out with the heel of her boot.

"Fuck you, bitch!"

"Any time."

"Jashin damn it!"

"Hidan…go away, I'm trying to add…"

"You wouldn't be adding if I had my scythe! You'd be fucking dead on the accursed ground, wrinkled old prune!"

Kakuzu gave Hidan the death glare.

"Let me put this in words you would understand: Fuck. Off."

Hidan laughed, but it turned into a yelp when Lauren ripped his cloak right off.

"HEY HEY HEY!"

"Oh my God, I knew it!"

Something pink and lacy was just barely covering the pale man, and all of the fangirls returned to goggle at the nummy cross dressing priest.

Kakuzu was goggling too.

"Er…thank you for shopping at Akatsuki Mart. Now go away…" Kakuzu muttered, shoving the terra cotta pot in Lauren's face and grabbing Hidan and throwing him over his shoulder.

"Hey, put me down, fuck head!" Hidan bawled, punching Kakuzu's back, but it was useless.

The two disappeared in the house.

A detached Kakuzu arm came back out, set a sign on the table, and went back into the house with the rest of Kakuzu's body parts.

Lauren read the sign and snorted with laughter.

The sign read "BRB Raping Hidan."

Lina grabbed the discarded cloak and smelled it.

"Oh my Jashin, it smells like his aftershave! Kyaaaa!"

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End chapter 3!

Next chapter will probably contain those willing to buy Kakuzu's things, because he didn't agree to sell his own shit, and since he's…preoccupied at the moment…it would be the perfect opportunity for Sasori to get revenge…

CUSTOMER NOTES:

PwnKage (pig tails): Hidan's hair gel and pink shirt. I never got a description, so I made something up. Hope you don't mind. This is all in good fun, no harm intended.

Lina-Neko (Lina): Hidan's cloak and his ring for some reason. You said you're Hidan obsessed, and I felt bad that you didn't get Hidan's scythe, so I thought you might like his ring. Hey, maybe you can join the Akatsuki now! You're going to hang out, cuz you want more things.

xcupidxstuntx (Emmy/ red head): Lingerie, sorry no rosary. But the lingerie you got is special! It had a ripped hole in the chest, because Hidan happened to be wearing it when Kakuzu pulled his heart out (XD). Poor Hidan tends to be an unwilling organ donor far too often. I don't know if you're going to get anything else yet. Stay tuned!

randomperson2106 (Marisu/ girl with curly hair/ has HP obsessed friend):You got the scythe and the voodoo kit! Aren't you excited? I love Harry Potter, and so I added in the little thing about the owl post. Sorry I didn't work in all that much about your character being a Jashinist. I…actually forgot…

sasukeroxmysox2 (Lauren/ Goth chick): I guess I couldn't get you everything you wanted after all. But you did get some of Hidan's lingerie, Zetsu's giant terra cotta pot, Pein's piercing kit, Konan's cigs, and you got to do the honors of scaring the shit out of people and stripping Hidan! I hope your character wasn't too OOC, but it was fun even if it was.

Twins of Imagination (Akane/ brown curly haired girl): Rosary! Why? Because of the fangirl squeal XD! You're sticking around to get more stuff, so stay tuned!

xoxkisskissbangbang (Kiera/ blonde): Lingerie (so far.) You're sticking around too.

Nekokyuurei (Satoshi): Bible, Herd of My Little Ponies, 1937 Pledge can, CCC and Hidan's spike. You didn't get the scythe, and I felt bad, so I gave you a spike instead. LOL I hope you're okay with me calling you a boy with a Pledge fetish. It's awesome that you mentioned the 1937 can of Pledge, so I definitely let you have it!

HeraldHealer: You just wanted Hidan's shirts, and so you'll appear in the next chapter or the one after that. Okay?

Um…did I forget anyone? I hope not.