Day Four (part two)
It took me only a blink of an eye but suddenly, I realized that we had arrived at Halure's caves. Suddenly I realized that an hour (or maybe two?) had just abandoned me and yet all the emotion I could summon up to mourn the loss was nothing more than the scraps of apathy leftover from my autopilot state. Distance was beautiful, distance was kind and distance was here: now I was awake, aware (and away from Halure).
I suddenly realized--we were in Aspio.
Lucidity suddenly washing over me as we pass through Aspio's gates, I realize that during the whole trip, Yuri had not said a word. Not that his silence was any change from the way we had passed our earlier journey or that I wasn't grateful for it, but this reticence seemed oddly different, like a dark cloud that ominously foreshadows rain. But as I look at him from the corner of my eye, no light breaks through and I can only wonder about the source of the shadows, the intense focus of his thoughts. Yuri was the perfect actor of indifference and suddenly, a wave of irritation comes over me as I think about it, somehow feeling snubbed--I didn't understand him, I couldn't understand him--suddenly, I just wanted to get away.
"I'll get a hotel room," I say as soon as we pass through.
It takes him a moment to answer--he's looking for someone, I realize, watching his eyes glance over the town. He frowns and turns to me. "Yeah, okay. How about I find you there in an hour?"
"Okay."
I walk away first.
.—.
It only takes me a minute for me to start doubting myself, starting with a simple, self-deprecating thought: how did I get here, a Lieutenant of the Imperial Knights chasing after some guy to forgive me some like some needy damsel-in-distress who can't rely on her own self-confidence and sense of self to get over some little thing that happened in the past and just move on? How had I sunk that low?
And then I couldn't stop thinking about what happened in Halure--or what hadn't happened. Or what should have happened. Or--or--just something. I thought I had given up on my father long ago; too many scenes replay in my head, too many times when I tried to talk to him before, to explain my choice to become a Knight, too many times I had been hopeful that we could work something out only to get caught up in some misunderstanding that I couldn't untangle. I know there's something, something else behind it, yet no matter how I try to spin his perspective, no matter how I try to understand his anxieties and fears, nothing makes sense, no magical rationalization comes. I remember once my mother had told me, "It's not that he's trying to control you, it's just that he's frustrated that he can't help you." But I don't need his help, not anymore.
And is that it? Now I can't help but wonder, was it right for me accept the barrier between us as I did? As he did?
And what of Yuri? Was this quest just some distraction, something to keep me from dealing with the real problem within myself? After all, this wasn't some romantic movie; Yuri wasn't going to open up to me and tell me of his dark, angst-filled past as if I could validate myself by saving him. Who was I to make him to be some broken man like some daydreaming girl, who was I to make him into some pet project, when I should really be focusing on myself, on helping myself and--and--and--I need to change. This journey was a mistake, what was I doing, what was I thinking.
Suddenly, I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at him and I'm mad at--The door creaks open.
"Hey--whoa!"
The dagger that leaves my hand in surprise just barely misses Yuri's arms, slicing through the sleeve. I blink and the blank wall that was just there a second ago is replaced with Yuri's drawn-back frame, a slightly cautious and wary look in his eye as he glances over the hole in his sleeve. Harsh air echoes in my ears and suddenly I realize they're my own ragged breaths. It's a few seconds before I recover and return back from my thoughts.
"Sorry," I murmur, straightening up in an attempt to calm down. "You, ah... surprised me."
"I can see that."
"Yeah, well," I notice the time. "You're back early. I thought you said an hour?"
For the briefest of moments, Yuri's indifferent visage breaks as he looks to the side in awkward avoidance. But then the expression is back again, the perfect actor returns."... There were some complications."
I almost ask him about it, but then I stop, remembering the past half-hour discussion with myself. I'm going back, I remind myself, I've made my decision. I'm going to return and spend the rest of my leave dealing with my problems, meditate without dragging anyone else into my issues, without wasting my time with anymore chasing and obsessions and I don't care anymore about Yuri Lowell and whatever debts I have to him.
"Ah."
The conversation clearly over, Yuri lets out a long sigh as he settles onto the bed and closes his eyes to nap. It's only noon I realize and yet, already the day seemed so dreary; the natural gloomy ambiance of Aspio's caves didn't help so much either. Time all seemed to slow down, each second far too slow to feel like movement and yet, I didn't know what I was waiting for to happen, what I was feeling so impatient about. Tomorrow morning, when I leave? Something else?
Somehow feeling almost suffocated, I get up and pull on my coat.
"I'm going for a walk," I say to unmoving form of Yuri. Not even bothering to open his eyes, a short salute is the only indication I get of his acknowledgment; I walk out.
.—.
"Lieutenant! Over here!"
The voice startles me out of my reverie--not that I was thinking about anything important. Or really anything at all. Other than buying some sparkling crimson-jeweled earrings on a whim from the flea market ("They're blessed", said the mage selling them, glasses as thick as the every other mage in Aspio, to point whether it's doubtful whether they're actually able to see through. "It'll help you finds things that you have lost."), I'm not really sure what I've done for the past twenty minutes. Just wandering, just losing myself within the crowd. But now I was looking for the source of the voice; my eyes land on a familiar (though not really that familiar) mess of hair and then I see the man waving.
"Cap--Raven," I say, stumbling over the name.
"Come join us!" He calls.
It's only then do I notice the other girl sitting there with him; it's the mage girl, the prodigy one--Rita Mordio. And by the look of the intense glare she was giving the table, she was looking to burn something. I wasn't sure if I exactly wanted to approach.
"I wouldn't want to intrude," I say hesitantly. Raven waves it off, a cheerful grin on his face as he opens his arms in welcoming gesture. (They never learned about Zaude, I remember. Yuri never told a soul, not even Flynn, and it's only because of that do they look at me with such friendliness. It somehow doesn't feel fair.)
"Please, we're all friends here, aren't we?" He stops to cautiously look around. "Is Yuri with you?"
"Yuri better not be with you--otherwise he's a dead man," Rita interjects under her breath, the venom in her tone practically dripping a hole into the table. Suddenly, I remember Yuri's awkward look, his mumble about 'complications'; suddenly, this was exactly where I needed to be. Anticipation rises in my stomach like a new sense of resolve.
"Yuri's at the inn, taking a nap," I reply. Rita 'humphs' at this and nods, satisfied.
"Don't mind her," Raven says good-naturedly and stands up to pull a chair. "Do sit, we're just about to have lunch. Are you hungry?"
.—.
"You forgot to get the Princess a birthday gift."
Somewhere in the middle of lunch and small talk and silences, Rita had burst out with a rant that had obviously been in the makings, telling me to pass on to Yuri that he better stop being an insensitive creep that depends on his friends for birthday shopping that he should have done on his own, especially considering that it was for Estelle out of all people, or else she'll burn up more than just his sleeve. I eye the charred sleeve, now practically falling off in its burnt-up state.
"I see you did more than walking," Yuri comments nonchalantly; he stretches and gets up. His hair is a mess.
"I happened to meet your mage friend. Want me to pass on her message?"
He shrugged. "Nah, I'm pretty sure I can figure out the gist of it; something about threatening to burn me into a crisp, am I right?"
I can't help but stare, somehow irritated by his lack of regard. "How are you so laidback about this?" I ask in astonishment; I couldn't figure out if he was brave or idiotic. Fourteen years of birthdays with other noble girls had taught me more than well enough that birthdays were important, especially to girls. And yet here was, Yuri Lowell, epitome of the clueless guy. Figures.
"Hey, look, I didn't forget to get her a gift, I just haven't found the right one," He says. "And I've got a week anyway; I'll find something in Aspio before then."
I just don't have to words to express my dumbfoundment; he honestly thinks a gift from Aspio, out of all places, would be suitable? Not only are half the items here shifty experimental half-baked ideas that haven't been thought out completely, but Aspio wasn't exactly the shopping metropolis. It was the City of Scholars, not some tourist attraction; beyond small jewelry with a funny-looking shine, what did he honestly think he would dig up here? Diamonds? I can only cross my arms and say, "If finding a gift was that easy, you would have already found it."
Yuri lets out a frustrated groan. "I already got the whole lecture from Rita, believe me. It's not like I'm asking for your opinion, anyway." He gives me a look of disdain. "Or are you going to go on that 'trying to help me' thing again? Because look, I don't need it."
I open my mouth to retort--and then stop.
After all, didn't I tell myself I wouldn't concern myself with him anymore? Didn't I tell myself that this was all just a distraction, a waste of time--that really the problem was within myself? What was I doing interfering and meddling with his life? No, it wasn't any of my business; and I was leaving anyway. I was leaving to go back home tomorrow morning--no, I'm going tonight. I'm leaving the miserable sod to his own poor existence in his cluelessness about birthday presents and forgiveness and redemption. And what did he know anyway? What could he give me; what had I been looking for in him?
("It's not that he's trying to control you, it's just that he's frustrated that he can't help you," my mother whispers in my ear.)
"You're right," I say, quiet, defeated, tired. Just so tired. I need to move. Anything. Just do anything. I start to go through my clothes as I pick my outfit for tomorrow. "If you want food, I brought some leftovers on the table."
He says nothing. I don't dare look at him, just staring down at my hands, my busy busy hands working hard to pick out an outfit, working hard to do something other than nothing. Tense silence and a knife of an irritated sigh cuts through like hot iron; I hear a door close shut and footsteps striding away from the room. I'm alone. All alone. I let out a long stream of trembling air; I can breathe again.
.—.
Two long minutes later, I leave the room.
.—.
"I'm sorry."
I found him on top of Aspio's wall, leaning against the edge as he looked over the wall; moonlight sharpened the edges of his outline and he almost looked like he was made of shadows, pale skin against dark hair and dark eyes. He didn't look real. He turns to look at me. He doesn't say a word.
"I..." I'm not sure why I chased after him, why I searched for him and followed him up here. But words seem to come anyway. "I didn't mean to be--like that. Forcing myself upon you."
And he continues that hooded, unnerving stare as if waiting for something--but is it something from me that's he's waiting for? Or something else? Or was this just some kind of new torture trick, wait the prey out until they crack--you know what, I don't care.
"Anyway, I've done what I said I would," I say, breaking the eye contact first. "I've delivered you to Halure in one piece; my mission is done. I'll leave tomorrow morning once they re-open the gates."
I turn to leave, hand reaching for the rail, when his voice calls out to me. "So then, you're considering all of your debts to me repaid now?"
I snort, suddenly bitter, suddenly irritated, suddenly dispassionate and uncaring. Suddenly sad. "No, I just know a lost cause when I see one." But there's no reaction--there never is. And now, it just pisses me off. Before I know it, words are coming out of my mouth: "And I know I have a better chance of being forgiven by myself than I have by you." And when I look at him, his expression is still unchanged: dark, shadowed, and unreadable. Of course it was. He was Yuri Lowell, the perfect actor at not caring, what did I expect.
"What does that even mean?" His tone, his voice, his--just--everything. I hate him, I realize, I hate Yuri Lowell so much right now that I can almost understand why I had wanted to kill him. I hate the way he talks, the way he never seems weak or vulnerable; just distant. Always so distant and faraway so that when he responds, when he attacks, he can always cut in so mercilessly, so condescending and derisive and--cruel. That was it. That's who he was--Yuri Lowell, a cruel man. And I wanted to destroy him.
"It means," I say. "That you have issues. I've read the reports, I know the stories--You have a hero complex. You always try to save people; and I've seen it! You've saved Halure's tree, you've saved my life, you've even saved the goddamn world and yet, despite, you refuse to take credit for anything. I don't know, maybe you've got some guilt problems, maybe you don't think you deserve credit, some kind of weird form of repentance; I don't care. I'm done with you Yuri Lowell--I won't look for forgiveness from a man who can't forgive himself."
He lets out a derisive noise. "What are you, a mini-Flynn now? Yes, your pet project has failed and you've just proved it's not your fault; you can go home now."
"Are you insinuating that I'm running away?"
Dark eyes cut clear into mine. "Aren't you?"
And for a moment, the air is knocked out of me (because wait, he's right) as his words delve right in (wait, he's actually right), stopping my heart for a moment. But somehow, at the moment, it doesn't really matter, I don't even need the time to breathe, think, react or even feel the pain of the blow, responding immediately: "No more than you, Yuri Lowell."
His dry chuckle is harsh, chafing against the serene night air. "And what am I running from then?"
"You tell me."
By now, I'm right beside him on the rail that looks over the plains connecting Aspio, Halure's dark maroon shadow in the distance and an even further world. But that's just background scenery as I stare at the man beside me, wondering if I'll get an answer, wondering if this might be my chance to decode the shadows on his face, that perhaps the moonlight will finally reveal some kind of answer behind the mask. He's not looking at me anymore; instead it's the usual distant stare, trying to find something up ahead, as if he could actually discern anything within this shadow.
And then he actually breaks the silence; it's almost a whisper. "Have you ever watched a person die... and didn't do anything to save them?"
I don't say anything. I don't say anything at all; I don't think I even breathe, barely able to speak beyond the lump that suddenly developed in my throat. And suddenly, I couldn't stare at him anymore, suddenly I needed the distance that the scenery provided, shadows that I didn't need to understand so far far away; too far away to hurt me, whatever they were. I don't even realize that I had answered until I feel the breath push past my lips.
"My mother."
He doesn't respond; he doesn't need to.
.—.
It's only when I feel a coat pushed onto my shoulders do I realize that I'm shivering and that it is damn cold out here. "Thanks," I murmur to Yuri, remembering how he had done the same thing less than a week ago. The jacket was still just as comfortable too.
"You're really sensitive to cold weather, aren't you?" He grumbles, rubbing his arms. "Better not get sick again; I'm not taking care of you this time. Come on, let's go in, it's late."
I wonder how much time had passed in that silence as we stared out at the distance; I wasn't mad anymore, I realized. Now, there was just a sort of empty feeling inside and I wasn't exactly sure what I was feeling. It was almost light-hearted; free. And Yuri didn't seem the cruel, vicious person he had been just before; now he was just Yuri. Sarcastic and grumbling, but somehow different, somehow--human.
We arrive at our room in companionable silence, and as we enter, Yuri turns to me. "Well, since you're leaving for Zaphias tomorrow morning, I guess this is out last night together then."
I hesitate as I put down his jacket, wondering if I should voice the idea that had been forming in the past half-hour. "Actually," I say. "I changed my mind."
"Really."
"Well, I still have about a month of vacation left; I figured I could travel around a bit, maybe visit the Cape towns," I pause and before the courage can leave me, I hurriedly continue. "And actually, if you leave for Capua Nor tomorrow, you could probably travel to Dahngrest and back in about a week."
Yuri stops and looks at me, a calculating gleam in his eye. "So what you saying?"
"You need a present for the princess," I say, trying not to show any emotion, trying to pass off as indifferent. Because it's not like I care about his answer. "Why not go to a place where you could actually get one?"
.—.
Author's Note: And here's the rest of chapter two. Sorry it's about half the size of the usual chapters, but now that I've finally got Yuri and Sodia a reason to continue traveling together and some common ground, I'm hoping the writing will be a bit smoother beyond this. I'm not rushing the relationship too much, right?
So let's try to get more YurixSodia fics out there! Any writers out there willing to try writing one? This pairing needs more love! Haha, more like this fandom needs more love. Anyway, thanks to all patient readers and reviewers. Much love to you all.
