My tray hit the lunch table and it sounded like thunder.

The rattle of the nearly empty plastic sheet hitting the surface beneath it silenced the group of people I might have once called my friends, each one of them turning to look at me with varying degrees of surprise.

I sank into the seat next to Mike, wishing the last available seat had been next to Angela instead. But she watched me from across the table and under Eric's arm, her kind gaze giving me some hope that at least she might forgive me for my abandonment of them.

"Is it okay if I sit here?" I asked with my eyes trained on the table, despite the fact that I had already claimed the seat. Before anyone could even open their mouths, a voice came from behind me.

"That's actually my seat," said Jessica, making me cringe. Her voice was not unkind, albeit a little cold, but her words served as a painful reminder. There wasn't even a seat for me left at the table anymore. I should have sat at my old table, even though it was now…empty.

I felt the too-familiar flush spread across my face, shame and embarrassment rushing over me. It was stupid to think I could return after so many months, to a group of friends I had hardly been here long enough to get to know, no less. My rushed hands fumbled with the tray as I struggled to shove the seat back and escape. Maybe I would eat lunch in the bathroom, or the library. I cringed at the idea of it; I had never been outgoing, but I had never had to eat lunch alone.

"I'll grab you another chair," said Angela, her eyes catching mine with a slight smile. Thank God for Angela Weber, I thought in relief. Before I knew it I was sitting in a newly added chair next to her, the conversation at the table making an awkward attempt at restarting.

Pain and a longing for the ease of my old group gnawed at my insides. They aren't coming back, I reminded myself, as I had at least two dozen times since I woke up this morning. At first it had seemed like a bad dream and I found myself reaching for the place where he had so often stayed through the night. But his carefully tempered weight and perfectly distanced chill were gone. And it would stay that way.

Tears began to prick at my eyes at the thought and I did my best to blink them away. The pain in my chest took my breath away. For a moment I considered making a charge for the bathroom or even my car, but what would I do then? Sit alone again? If the ache still found me here, amongst all these people, it would do much worse if I was alone.

So I stayed. I picked apart my granola bar and took little sips of my juice and did my best to listen to the banter of the people around me. As I tried to keep my mind focused on their conversation about their upcoming beach excursion—one I was certain did not include me, unless Angela decided to take pity on me again—I found that I was jealous of them. They didn't feel the way I felt, and I reckoned that they never had. They probably never would. They never experienced this crushing emptiness, this brokenness. I couldn't even begin to ponder whether or not everything beforehand had been worth this.

Of course it had been worth it, came the answering voice in my mind. Perfection incarnate took notice of you. He even cared for you. You'll never be that happy again.

It was true. I had been lucky that he had even known I existed, never mind taken any real interest in me. But it had been fleeting, and now I was here alone.

Despite the envy I now felt towards these people, I let them carry me through lunch. I even found myself surprised when they pushed away from the table as the bell rang, wondering where the time had escaped to. But I was even more surprised when I found Angela next to me on my way to my locker.

"Are you coming to the beach?" she asked, even managing to sound hopeful.

I smirked at her. "I didn't think I was welcome just yet."

She nudged my shoulder with her own. "Of course you are! You're still our friend." I managed a small smile to match her genuine one, and I could feel a glimmer of warmth in my chest. It was just as quickly replaced by a longing for Alice. She too had become a fixture in my life, a close friend and the only one who could know all my secrets. I swallowed the thought, pushing it to the back of my mind.

"Maybe. I'll have to see," I hedged as I arrived at my locker. She nodded and lingered a moment. I steeled myself for what I knew was about to come.

"So I heard the Cullens moved…"

I clenched my teeth as I spun the dial on the lock. My chest ached at the mere sound of their name.

"And a little bit about what happened. I just wanted to say," I brought my eyes to meet hers as she went on, "that I'm here for you. I don't know what you're going through, but if you want to talk I can always lend an ear."

I gave her a small smile and nodded. It was a kind thought, made even nicer by the recognition that she didn't know what I was dealing with. I decided that Angela Weber was a gem.

But I soon found myself stiffening as the weight of her words hit me. A little bit about what happened. How many people knew about my foray into the woods?

I sighed. Everyone knew. This was Forks, after all. It would have taken just one worried call from my father to Angela or Jessica's home, or, even more likely, to the Newton's store. The shock and awkwardness of lunch suddenly made sense; they didn't know how to react. In their eyes I had gone off the deep end.

Maybe I had.

She didn't linger any longer, just granting me her same soft, almost knowing smile and going on her way. I let out a breath into the relatively peaceful little space of my locker. But then within moments, despite the kids pushing by me, I felt far away again. I needed to keep moving.

I hustled to trig with my textbook tucked against my chest, slowing only when I came up to the room and remembered that this was the class where I sat next to Jessica. I hesitated outside the door for a moment. Even though Angela was prepared to welcome me back with open arms, I doubted the rest of the group felt the same way. I had wandered away from them completely, and now I was back at their mercy. No matter how much I pretended to be above the social games of high school, the subtle rejection and their shock at my reappearance still brought out feelings I had hoped I had left in middle school.

But the warning bell came up too quickly, and I slid gracelessly into my seat. I flashed a forced smile at Jessica, and her return was hesitant. I could feel her looking at me out of the corner of my eye, as if she was surprised that I was really there. I supposed it made sense. I looked okay, I guessed. For whatever my immediate appearance was worth, I was sure didn't look like I was unraveling.

The class passed slowly as I struggled to focus on the lesson and pondered Angela's offer. Keeping up my appearance was exhausting, but being alone was a far more daunting prospect. I would go. I would do my best to appear together. I would try to rebuild some burned bridges.

But it was only Wednesday. There were two long days stretched out before the First Beach trip, two long days I had to fill. School only took up so much time, after all. Panic rose up in my chest at the thought.

I stifled it and focused my attention on my handwriting where it stretched across the page. Notes on trigonometric functions and graphs were easier to deal with than my swirling emotions.

The final bell rang, leaving me to bustle through the mist towards my truck, ignoring the parking spaces that, even several days later, remained empty. I wondered how long it would take for other kids to work up the courage and for word to spread far enough for them to be taken.

A glance at my truck from across the lot took my breath away. In my mind, I could see him standing there, leaning against my orange monster in that perfectly effortless way he always had, clear as day. I blinked and he was gone again. I wrapped my arms around myself as my chest threatened to burst open.

Just as my quickened pace threatened to break into a run as I came towards the driver's side, a voice came from behind me.

"Are you coming in today Bella?"

I jumped at least a foot at the sound of Mike Newton's voice, whacking my hand on the mirror as I spun around. Blush flew to my cheeks and I pulled my lip between my teeth, ignoring his apologetic grin.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked, though in all reality the fact that I had work today had completely escaped me. It came as a massive relief. I would have something to fill the afternoon at least.

"Well you didn't show up Monday…" he trailed off, his hand moving to rub the back of his neck.

I clenched my eyes shut. I had picked up the evening shift Monday, intending to go to work after seeing him after school. But instead the day had become a blurry mess of pain and heartbreak and forest floors that I didn't want to remember.

"I am so sorry Mike, I hope that—,"

"Don't worry about it! Just wanted to make sure you were coming today," he said, his hands splayed out in front of him as if he was afraid that I was going to burst into tears. Even if that wasn't too far from the truth, it confirmed my suspicions. Everyone knew. It explained all the sideways glances I had received in every class before lunch, and the one after as well.

I sighed. It would pass; even in little Forks High, 'big' news lasted only a few days before the next drama pushed it aside. I wished this story would only last that long for me as well.

"I'll be there," I promised, and he smiled his innocent puppy dog smile at me.

"And Saturday too?" His eyebrows shot up in petition, and I nodded, relieved. Maybe it wasn't just Angela who was willing to welcome me back.

As he walked off towards his car and I clambered up into my truck, I hoped that he wasn't too eager to welcome me back. I had thought he and Jessica had been dating, but looking back to my foggy memories of lunch, it didn't seem like that was happening any longer. I shook away the thought; I didn't need that. Not right now. Probably not ever.

After some awkward apologies and an even more awkward hug from Mrs. Newton, I was mindlessly unpacking boxes of little packages dehydrated food and stacking them on the display in the far side of the store.

The hours passed quickly and Mike made me jump once again when he told me he was going to close for the night. This time my head came into contact with a shelf as I stretched for the can that had rolled to the back, and I stood rubbing the bump that was sure to form there.

Darkness had begun to fall between the storefront and my truck, but the rain had since cleared to reveal the last bit of an uncharacteristic sunset. I leaned against the driver's side door and watched the sun slip behind the trees, waving vaguely at Mike as he got into his car and drove off.

I wondered what I was going to do. There was so much time to fill until I even had a chance of easing my emptiness. There was the rest of my senior year and whatever lay beyond it, a time I had failed to plan since I thought I had eternity to chase my dreams. Or, more accurately, to chase him across the world.

The ache worsened at the thought. My forever was gone, just as much as he and Alice and the rest of them were. They were gone.

Permanently.

I sucked in a deep breath even though my lungs felt shallow. My world felt like it had been blown to pieces, and now I was standing amongst the ruins, expected to put them back together and keep going with my life at the same time. I would have to find a way.

But I was so, so tired. Just getting through the day was a monumental effort. If this would ever begin to get easier, I hoped it would come soon.

The longer I stood there, the larger the hole in my chest seemed to get. It all seemed so hopeless; what was there to chase once you had tasted the highest of highs? Once you had already known the best? I wrapped my arms around my chest and tried to hold it all together.

The sun dropped completely behind the trees and at last I turned away from the sadness and got into my truck.

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