Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Swearing in this chapter

Q: Where did I put the cookbooks?

A: You don't personally own cookbooks.

Q: Do I need an apron?

A: Do you know how to put an apron on?

Q: Will a chef's hat make me better at cooking?

A: Think of it this way: Will a baseball cap make you better at baseball?

Q: I found Obi-Wan's cookbook! Should I use it?

A: Put it down immediately. Before it starts spurting flames like the last book you picked up did.

Q: How do I read this?

A: You can read?

Q: I give up.

A: Well, the house is still standing.

Q: What kind of a pan is this? It looks like a plate with a handle on top.

A: So, a normal looking fry or sauce pan.

Q: What is a frying pan?

A: *facepalm*

Q: This bowl has tiny holes in it. How does it work?

A: That is a colander. You drain things in it.

Q: What is this grabby thing?

A: Perhaps I would tell you if you didn't have it so close to my face it's practically up my nose.

Q: Is this a can opener?

A: Nooooooo, it's a blanket!

Q: OWW!

A: Why would you scratch your nose with a can opener?

Q: Where can I buy magical cooking utensils?

A: From the same person you bought the unicorn from.

Q: Fine. Hahaha. What kind of romantic food would you recommend?

A: Flambe.

Q: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS A FLAMBE!?

A: Answer hazy. Ask again later.

Q: Describe a flambe.

A: Answer foggy. Ask again later.

Q: How do I make a flambe?

A: Answer misty. Ask again later.

Q: *sigh* Can I buy a flambe?

A: Probably. Somewhere.

Q: I trust your answering skills less and less by the second.

A: You do have a brain! But remember, I told you not to cook in the first place.

Q: What kind of foods can I make on a grill?

A: Can you operate a grill?

Q: Yes, I can make food on a grill.

A: But can you turn on the grill without burning down the neighborhood?

Q: Don't grills use propane to work?

A: No. They don't.

Q: Is propane explosive?

A: Just slightly.

Q: I think there's some propane in the garage.

A: Good. Leave it there.

Q: There it is!

A: LEAVE IT THERE YOU PIGEON BRAINED MORON!

Q: Woops!

A: And there goes Mrs. Wierman's house.

Q: That's unfortunate.

A: I hope you have a large bank account.

Q: Where can I order pizza?

A: From the pizza place.

Q: Do you think Padme will know I didn't make it?

A: Judging from your cooking skills, no I don't think she'll be able to tell at all.

Q: Where can I buy Chinese food?

A: From a Chinese food place.

Q: Will it be THAT obvious I didn't make it?

A: Considering the fact that you refer to it as Chinese food, yes, yes it will.

Q: How about McDonald's?

A: They don't sell food.

Q: I won't even ask if it is obvious.

A: Again, they don't sell food.

Q: How about we never come back to this house ever again?

A: I think Padme might notice that her husband had disappeared.

Q: I KNOW! I will call surprise vacation! We can go to Vegas! I will pick them all up and bring them to the airport. They will never know!

A: Do you remember what happened last time you went to Vegas?

Q: How can I pack their stuff?

A: They locked you out of the house.

Q: I'll just stuff all of their clothes into suitcases. Good thing we live in Delaware. No one will question an abandoned house. Right?

A: YOU FUCKING CHOSE TO FUCKING BUY A FUCKING HOUSE IN GODDAMN DELAWARE? WHERE THE FLYING FUCK OF HELL DID YOU FUCKING GET THE FUCKING IDEA THAT THAT WAS A FUCKING SMART DECISION YOU LILY LIVERED PIGEON BRAINED BOAR PIG?! (No offense to anyone who lives in Delaware. The part we drove through was disturbing. I'm sure there is a nice neighborhood there . . . somewhere.)

Q: Good thing I have enough money to buy airport tickets!

A: I'm telling Padme what you did to Mrs. Wierman's house.

Q: Shut up!

A: Just apologize and pray for forgiveness.

Q: Good! 4 flights to Vegas. BRING ALL THE MONEYS!

A: What moneys? You spent all the moneys bribing Mrs. Wierman to say a comet came out of the sky instead of you blew up a propane tank in her backyard while trying to start the grill.

Q: SAYONARA! I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!

A: Oh yes you will.

Q: I promise I won't need any more advice from you.

A: That's what you think.

Q: Of course I can survive at the airport!

A: Again, that's what you think.