Here's the Pokemon Trainer (Red) versus Harry fic. This is my first chapter of anything for this tournament that I wrote that I actually like.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Lockhart or anything that has to do with Pokemon.

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"DAMMIT! I need… a towel… or something!" Harry Lockhart was having an especially horrible time. He had grown quite hungry, and he finally found some possible relief in a bunch of coconuts. It was hard enough getting them down (which involved less climbing and more throwing rocks), and he didn't even take into account the idea that he would have to break them open. He had been using his hands to try to smash the coconuts against some trees, but he was having a very hard time, and actually was injuring his fingernails. Harry took a break from smashing to wave his fingers around and jump up and down in pain. No sweat. Ignore the pain. It doesn't hurt that bad. You are not a baby. You can handle some fingernail issues. Oh FUCK, are they bleeding?! NO way! Harry whimpered. Oh well. Once I get out of here, Perry can get me a secret man-manicure like he's gotten and thinks I don't know. And with that last thought, Harry remembered that he had a job – find cell phone reception and call Perry to come save him.

Harry ignored his growling stomach as he started to walk away from his little spot under the palm trees. He was puzzled; if he couldn't get reception at the top of a tree, and couldn't get reception at what seemed to be an ocean shore, where the hell would he be able to get reception? Harry realized he was still holding the coconut. This gave him a short burst of anger. He hurled the coconut against a tree, causing it to split immediately into a juicy mess, a small explosion that hurled pieces of white flesh everywhere and left an ugly splatter on the tree. But that was not what made Harry freeze and stare.

There was a sizeable bull next to the tree staring back at Harry, and it did not look happy, especially since half of its face was no covered in coconut juice. Harry's mouth dropped. He slowly started to back away as he reached for his gun. "Okayyy, bull… niiice bull… please wait there…" The bull stepped forward a few feet. "OH no! Bull! Fuck, stay back, please!" He pointed his gun. "I'm all for PETA and whatnot, but I WILL shoot you."

The bull started to move toward him, quickly and threateningly. Harry panicked and shot near the bull's feet, which made it buck and jump up in anger and surprise, then charge. Harry shouted in fear and started to run, but he stopped when he heard, "Tauros, return!" Harry stumbled onto his butt, falling in the sand. He gaped as the bull disappeared in what appeared to be a flash of red.

Unsure of everything in the world, Harry got up and brushed himself off a bit. He was perplexed by the fact that all traces of the bull seemed to be, in fact, gone. Now all he saw above the mounds of sand, standing heroically on a tall patch of grass, was an adolescent with a stereotypically young look about him – cap and all - and a bunch of red-and-white spheres.

Harry was the first to speak. Instead of asking for a name or other essential information, or asking what happened to the bull, Harry pointed at the spheres and accusingly demanded, "What are those for?"

"These? These are my poke balls!"

"What?!"

"They hold my Pokémon!" The kid grinned, as if he just enjoyed being caught up in a sort of challenge. "How about I show you!" He grabbed one of the spheres. "Come on out, Blastoise!"

There was another bright flash. It came out of the red-and-white ball, and suddenly what appeared to be a large, colorful turtle with guns on its back appeared from the flash. It was standing on its hind legs.

"WHOA!" Harry stepped away. "You have ANIMALS in those flashy things? What the fuck kind of special effects trick is that? Why is it standing on its hind legs and staring at me? WHY THE FUCK IS THERE WEAPONRY ON IT?" He started to turn around and prepared to run. "Not fucking cool!"

"Blastoise! Use hydro pump!"

From its weird bodily guns, the turtle creature shot two jets of water at Harry. He squeaked like a small animal and began running. Try a zigzag pattern!! He weaved. It actually worked. But after about ten seconds of running, the very last of a jet caught him on the leg. Harry stumbled and fell in the sand.

"FUCK! That hurt! Ugh, you ripped my pants! Damn!" Harry ran off the shore of the island and made a break for the slightly more forested and covered area nearby.

"Not so fast!" The kid shouted after him. "You haven't met the rest of my Pokémon! Blastoise, return, come on out, Pikachu!"

Harry stopped in his tracks and turned around, out of pure (and rather stupid) curiosity as to what Pikachu looked like.

In another flash, a small and stout yellow mammal with big red cheeks, big black eyes, and a spiky yellow tail appeared in front of Harry.

Harry stared at it. That's… that's adorable. "Do I shoot it or hug it?"

"Pika! Pikachu!" the little creature squeaked.

The first noise made Harry flinch, but then he cocked his head to the side and kept looking at it. These things must be like, animatronics or hallucinogenic or something, but I really sorta wanna- Harry stuck his hand out towards it. "Hey there, little guy…"

"Pikachu, use THUNDERBOLT!"

OH HELL NAH, that sounds really bad! Harry looked up and jumped away from the Pikachu as a huge column of lightning rose up out of it and into the sky and its immediate area with a loud crack.

Harry was cowering behind a palm tree. Not cool. Not cool. Not fucking fucking fucking cool. Uh-uh. He turned around. The Pikachu was behind him. "Pikaaa!"

"Nyahh!" Harry stumbled backwards and then upwards onto his feet.

"Pikachu, use Volt-!"

"OH FUCK NO!" Harry interjected. He punted the Pikachu like a football.

The Pikachu went flying backwards toward the ocean, with itself and its owner crying "PIKACHUUUU!"

The master came out of his shock, and before the rodent hit the water, he shouted, "Pikachu, return!"

Harry felt a little bad… but safe. Aw, screw PETA! He noticed the trainer fiddling with a poke ball with shaky hands. "Oh no! No way! Don't you even, kid!" Harry ran towards him with his gun pointed. "Stop! No more pokewhatthefucksits!" When he got closer, he slowed down but kept his gun up. "Now you're gonna tell me how you're doing this… trick or something or whatever it is with these little… puppet things!"

"They're not puppets! They're POKEMON!"

Harry nodded at the poke balls. "Do you have, like, holograms in there?"

"No! Pokémon are real creatures! I train them to fight, and with them, I'm going to win this tournament."

Harry blinked. "You train them to fight? Fight what?"

"Well, generally, other Pokémon-"

"WHAT, like dog fighting or something?! Sick!"

"N-no! It's different!"

"Can I see a ball thing?"

"No! You don't know how to handle-"

Harry waved his gun at the trainer, who sighed and handed him a red-and-white sphere.

Harry took it and lowered his gun. He poked and prodded a bit. He sort of tried to pry it open, and knocked on it with his fist. "Looks like pretty durable plastic or something…"

The trainer watched him carefully. "What are you going to-"

BLAM! Harry shot at it with his gun. The bullet ricocheted off into the forested area. The trainer shouted. Harry gave the ball a wide-eyed look. "Whoa. Well, now I know that." Harry extended his arm. "Okay, now, make it come out. How'd you make it come out? Do you wiggle it and say, 'So-and-so, come out'? Is that the code word or can I say 'Pokething, get out here!' or mix it up and get more than one out at a time and say 'Pokethings! Assemble!' … or-"

"Quiet for a minute! You just command the Pokémon to come out, and it will." The trainer looked very uneasy with this whole situation, obviously not trusting Harry to take care of his Pokémon at all.

Harry bit his lip. "Hm. Yeah. I'm scared, so tell it come out!" Harry tossed the ball back to the owner.

He sighed. "Espeon, come out!"

Another flash, and then an elegant, almost cat-like creature was in front of them. It was a pretty animal, with lavender fur, and deep, soulful, eyes that expressed a significant understanding of its surroundings and purpose…

Harry pointed his gun. "So what happens if I shoot it?"

"W-what?! Don't shoot it! Please! "

Harry gritted his teeth and wagged his gun unsafely at the kid. "Then you take your dangerous effing Pokefucks out of here and don't come back at all! Ever! I don't want to see a Pokefuck around me or I WILL shoot, and it will be my sustenance for at least that day! And then I will shoot you and-"

"STOP! I give up!" His voice was shaking. The guy didn't even look that scared, just disappointed in his own loss. "Espeon, return!" He gave Harry a meaningful, dark look, then ran off.

Harry watched him go. "Kid needs a fucking pet rock…"