A/N: Woot! Woot! An update! I apologize for taking so long to update. This has been sitting around for a while and every time I think of posting it I always find something to change.
Hopefully this chapter will shed some insight on things. The previous was supposed to leave you in the same fog Asajj is in- Perhaps it worked too well…
But big thanx to all who read, and special thanx to:
Wings-Make-Everything-Better, crazy4asajj, and Elizabeth for reviewing! You guys are awesome!
Any-who, I hope you like!
Painter Song- Norah Jones
"He'll be back before you know it."
Asajj sighed, "I know… it's just… I…"
"Miss him?" Shuri supplied good-naturedly. Asajj rolled her eyes throwing her friend an annoyed glance.
Ben had told her of the woman who would check-in on her from time to time. Shuri Aldreska was a native of Naboo who said she owed the General a favor. Even though she was sarcastic and teasing, she proved to be a great listener and somewhat of a maternal figure to the confused girl. She was the first real friend Asajj had in years. Though she was shorter and a bit plump, she was pleasing to the eyes with an even prettier smile. Asajj found her annoyingly enjoyable….
"Yes, I miss him." The confession sounded as though it pained her. Shuri couldn't help the chuckles that escaped her lips. Asajj made a face as she chucked the core left from her eaten fruit. Grabbing another, she sunk her teeth into the soft flesh savoring its taste.
The two were lounging against the base of a tree enjoying the sun and the tranquil setting around them. They were eating peaches underneath a tree that sat a few meters away from a large green grove of trees.
"Why is it so hard for you to admit that?" She asked, amazed at how stubborn a person could be. Taking a bite of her fruit, Shuri continued with her mouth full, "It's no secret that you like him." Silver eyes widened in shock as the Rattataki woman found herself jerking forward, sputtering, from almost choking. Now it was Shuri's turn to roll her eyes.
"Please." She scoffed swallowing. Leaning forward, she gave her friend a solid slap on the back. "There's no need for such theatrics."
After she gained control of her coughing fit, Asajj shot the blonde another dirty look making her laugh. "I don't like him…" she began. Shuri sobered, folding her arms across her chest as if to say 'Really?'
Asajj sighed, "He's the only person I get to see… besides you…." Looking down she picked and pulled at random blades of grass. The Naboo-ian air was cool and refreshing.
The two had decided to venture a short distance away from the cottage. It was far enough to be away, but close enough to get back should something arise. Naboo was a beautiful planet that Asajj found herself falling in-love with more and more every day. It was calming with its rolling hills and high grass…
The two were sitting in the same place she and Ben had spoken to each other almost two weeks ago...
"I don't remember much…" She confessed quietly fingering a blade of grass. It was the second time she'd seen him since that day he showed up unannounced in her, well his, bedroom.
"It's like I'm me… but not the me I think that I was. I…I- It's confusing." She ended sounding annoyed at her situation.
He nodded, brow furrowed in concentration, "That's to be expected." He said softly reassuring, "Your injuries were quite extensive."
She nodded letting his words sink in. She could feel her braid slide over her shoulder as she did so. "You must know something about me…" She thought aloud, eyes downcast.
"Mm-hmm."
"Were we close?"
He snorted, somewhat amused by the irony of the question. 'If attempted murder counts as closeness…'
She cringed, afraid of his answer. "Well… were we?"
"In a way." He stroked his beard. 'Obsessed is more like it.'
Her hands fumbled nervously with her hair, unbraiding it, as she looked him in the eye.
"Do… Do you know what happened to me? Who I was before you brought me here?" Cerulean eyes bored into her seemingly mesmerized. She cast her eyes down on an invisible spot in the grass as her cheeks burned bright red. She hoped he hadn't noticed the effect he was having on her.
He stared at her long and hard. He found himself doing that often. She looked so vulnerable, and lost. He shuddered when he thought of her in his arms afraid, and broken an death's door.
"You look…. younger…" He trailed softly.
Her eyes snapped up in horror, feelings of nervousness pushed away. 'What a charmer…' She thought sarcastically.
"Thanks." She commented dryly. "The ladies must fall all over themselves for you…"
She watched his expression change to one of amusement. Cerulean eyes were bright with mirth.
"Forgive me, my dear,"
Her eyes widened and her annoyance was soon replaced by a cold fear that griped her frenzied heart in an iron grasp. She didn't hear anything else after that.
Her eyes shone brightly as she felt the blade burn through her chest. An agonizing fire ripped at her innards making her scream and cry, clawing wildly at his chest. Her eyes squeezed shut as her head snapped back, dizzy from all the pain.
It seared and burned just like it did before. Clutching the wound below her heart with hazy eyes, Asajj found herself doubled over biting back a strangled scream, with a concerned Ben Kenobi by her side.
"Asajj… Asajj!" He called concern etched in his expression and in his voice, "Darling, can you hear me?"
She nodded holding tightly to his arm, eyes squeezed shut as the pain intensified. She felt his other arm wrap securely around her, holding her until the spasm passed. It seemed to go on for forever before the horrible sensation left her breathless.
"What's wrong with me?" She gasped burying her face in his robes, trying to catch her breath.
"Did you remember something?" He asked, all traces of humor replaced by concern. She nodded against his chest clinging to him helplessly, tears springing to her eyes.
Silence.
"I should be dead," she whispered fiercely, feelings of powerlessness washing over her. "I should be dead and the crazy thing is, I know I probably deserve it." The bitterness in her voice did not sit well with the Jedi Master.
Suddenly she found herself at arms width from him as he grasped her forearms. She didn't know what she did to make him so… angry. She winced at the feeling and the determined look in his eyes as he stared at her.
"Never say such a thing." His voice was hard, "You're no coward, Asajj Ventress, and it does you no good to speak like that. I won't lie to you, you have done horrible things and you probably do deserve what's happening to you."
She couldn't stand the emotion in his demeanor, or the fleeting truth in his words. She found herself looking away, ashamed. But Ben would have none of that. Letting go of her arms, he placed a hand against her jaw, and gently prompted her to look at him. Resting his other hand on her lower back, he pressed forward so her back was straight and they were eye-to-eye with inches between them.
With a sharp in-take of breathe, he found himself staring at her really taking her emotions in. Her silver eyes were brimming with unshed tears, while her pale lips trembled softly.
He remembered kissing those lips… It seemed as if it were a lifetime ago… He thought he had lost her then, and it had hurt more than he cared to admit.
But it was her eyes that stole his breath. They were wide… Earnest. Completely trusting of him. Dependant, solely upon him. Ebony curls blew furiously in the wind.
'Beautiful.' He thought with a burning that started deep in his chest and spread to other parts of his body.
He imagined those eyes tightly closed, snapping open to reveal silver irises unfocused with need and lu-
'Focus Kenobi! She needs you to be of sound mind and body… Not fantasizing about-'
Asajj watched as his eyes darkened with an emotion she didn't quite recognize. It was exhilarating and raw. She felt like a moth drawn to the flame. The effect was dizzying and painfully pleasurable. She found her eyes achingly aware of his lips, before she tightly closed them.
"Asajj…" He whispered his voice thick with emotion.
"Yes?" She responded breathlessly, desperately trying to control her pounding heart and growing feeling for the man in front of her.
"Open your eyes." He commanded huskily. It seemed as if he'd been telling her that a lot… Maybe they were closer than he let on.
'What's wrong with me?' She wondered feeling flustered and terribly awkward. Had she no experience in this department?
She felt his calloused palm push her hair away from her face as his body leaned in dangerously close to hers. She couldn't help the sigh that pushed its way past her lips.
"Please…" He pleaded breathily in her ear letting his hand rest on her neck stroking her wild pulse with his thumb. With a low groan, she slowly opened her eyes. The Naboo-ian plains rolled and dipped with the cottage right in her line of sight, but Asajj's mind was elsewhere.
The Jedi Master slowly counted backwards from 'ten,' trying and somewhat successful in regaining control of his body and thoughts. He took a breath to steady his nerves. Placing a soft kiss to her temple, lingering a tad bit longer than necessary, he sighed.
Asajj relished in the gentle contact, whining inaudibly when he pulled away. His expression softened considerably as he held it all together. She was somewhat disappointed when the intensity in his eyes dimmed.
"You also deserve the right to survive it and come out as your own instead of a product of your environment." He said quietly. Dropping his hands to his sides, Obi Wan pushed himself up off the ground. He turned away from her running a hand through his hair.
Asajj looked up at his backside feeling disappointed and strangely hurt.
'Why does he even matter?' She asked herself. …Cause he's one of the only people that's ever believed in you… 'How do I know that?'
… You do know… Deep in your heart. You remember, but you don't…. But it's only because you're afraid of what you'll find….
'That's not true… It's not… I'm not afraid of who I am…'
…Or are you?…
Shaking her head Asajj tried to rid herself of her uncertainty. She had to if she wanted to maintain some of her sanity. Taking a hand through her hair she stood brushing the grass and dirt from her skirt leaning heavily against the tree they'd been sitting under. Her injured leg was still stiff.
"I can't tell you who you are, Asajj…" He said turning to face her, "I can tell you what you did, but not who you are or why you did it." He paused allowing her to understand what he was saying before continuing. "If you truly want to heal… to overcome all of this… You have to be willing to face yourself and let go of whatever it is you've been holding on to."
She nodded, silver eyes bright and determined.
"Trust me?" He asked extending his hand to her.
She smiled placing her hand in his, 'I do.'
He grinned pulling her closer to him. Stumbling forward, she wrapped her arms around his torso trying to keep her balance and conceal the blush on her cheeks. She could hear him chuckle, and it made her smile all the wider.
Obi Wan helped her right herself before studying her face. His gaze was smoldering with traces of what had transpired earlier. Her face burned brighter and she found she was trying to focus on anywhere but his eyes.
Big mistake. She found herself staring at his lips again.
She stilled as his hands cupped her face, wiping away the salty droplets that had yet to fall.
"I believe in you, Asajj… You're strong. Everything will be fine, I promise." He moved his fingers through her hair, before pressing his lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss. Asajj could hear the blood rushing in her ears.
"Naboo-to-Asajj! Are you there?"
Asajj shook her head to find Shuri staring at her with a mix of annoyance and amusement. "S-sorry…" She stuttered, face a deep shade of crimson. Shuri shook her head at her friend's embarrassment.
"What were you thinking of?" The Naboo native fished, "Was it General Ke-" Asajj quickly clamped her hand over the blonde's mouth knocking them both off balance. Shuri hit the ground laughing loudly at the Rattataki's actions. It would look as though the two had been swallowed by the high plain grass.
"Shuri!" She whined, "Be serious!"
Pushing the slim woman off of her, Shuri rolled on her stomach, throwing her hair behind her shoulder. "Alright…" She huffed, sobering up.
"What's on your mind?" Asajj found herself in the gaze of genuine jade eyes. Shuri was giving her her undivided attention.
Asajj rested on her stomach as well, staring out into the horizon. "I- I'm…" She was afraid to voice her thoughts. Her pale fingers dug deep into the earth, her whole body tensed and as a serious expression settled upon her features.
Shuri placed a comforting hand on her back. "Asajj…" She began softly, "You can tell me anything. You have to believe that." Shuri's smile was sincere and beguiling. Asajj nodded, slowly releasing the tension in her body. Taking a deep breath she released her death grip on the soil and began again.
"I think I'm remembering things about myself…"
"That's good, right?"
"Yes… No… I don't know!" She huffed, rolling her eyes, "Ben won't tell me anything, but I know when I'm being disapproved of." She thought back on what he said that day.
"I won't lie to you, you have done horrible things and you probably do deserve what's happening to you."
She sighed, "My dreams are so hazy and chaotic, I'm never sure of anything… But it's always the same one…" She trailed as the familiar tendrils of her nightmares invaded her thoughts. Shuttering, she told her friend about her dream and the panic and pain that always followed. She told her about 'Esmee' and the shame that always followed.
"Sometimes I wake up crying clutching my chest… It's feels like dying. Like I'm being punished for something and everybody else knows what for except for me…"
"Well, dreams are our subconscious' way of speaking to us. Maybe yours is trying to tell you something you're not dealing with."
"That's ridiculous…" Asajj scoffed.
… You do know… Deep in your heart. You remember…. But it's only because you're afraid of what you'll find….
"There's nothing wrong with being afraid or unsure…" comforted Shuri. "You just have to be willing to face it… whatever it maybe."
"Why won't he just tell me?" Asajj muttered.
Shuri noted the frustration that slipped into her voice. Silver eyes were beginning to burn.
"What's he so afraid of?"
Shuri bit the inside of her cheek, 'The only thing General Kenobi is afraid of is admitting that he's in-love with you…'
Feigning confusion she responded with her best 'Obi Wan impression,' "Sorry puppet, I haven't the faintest idea of what to tell you."
Asajj rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed. Groaning in frustration, she dropped her head into the crook of her elbow. "You're no help," came her muffled voice, "And you sound nothing like him." Shuri chuckled before becoming serious again. Weighing her options, she decided to slip into doctor mode.
"Have you considered that maybe he doesn't think you're ready?"
Shuri watched as curious eyes peaked through a curtain of black hair. Taking a deep breath, she chose her words carefully. "When… when he first bought you here, you were broken in every sense of the word… you were barely alive. He said he had promised you that he wouldn't leave you…" Silver eyes widened as droplets of water were beginning to brim.
Asajj was not the first person Shuri had helped come to terms with what they had, or hadn't, done in their life. Years ago she had served the Republic as a psychiatrist until a near death experience made her question what she hadn't done in life. It was General Kenobi who had saved her life and inadvertently introduced her to her husband and the father of her two daughters, Laurna and Adel. She felt for the girl in front of her, but she also knew Asajj Ventress had a long way to go to truly heal herself.
"Asajj… 'Ben' knows what he's doing. You have to trust him. This is no easy task to accomplish… Time and you, dictate everything." Glassy eyes locked with jade.
"Do you understand?" Shuri pressed gently. Asajj nodded whole-heartedly, raven locks bobbing.
A nervous laugh escaped her lips, "I feel like I cry all the time now… I'm pretty sure I was never this emotional…"
Shuri rubbed her back comfortingly, "You're beautiful," she assured fingering dark locks of hair, "You're just a diamond in the rough, is all…" Asajj scoffed, velvety laughter rolling from her lips.
Shuri decided she liked it when Asajj laughed like that. It was infectious… and charming. She grinned satisfied with this turnout, "Now hand me a peach… You'll never believe what Laurna did yesterday…"
A/N: Thanx again for sticking around- Don't forget to review!
