Chapter three: Self evaluations
That night after Kankuro falls into a sound sleep, Rasa gently lies him down and tucks him in. The doctors administer a dose of antitoxin through his IV and tell Rasa to go home and get some rest. He was in stable condition and they would send a messenger to him if anything changed. With a tired and stressed out look in his eyes, Rasa kisses Kankuro's forehead and tucks the blankets around him, making sure he's warm and that his head is elevated so he's not stiff in the morning. After finally being satisfied, he walks to the nearest bar and orders two beers to start, not really paying attention to his surroundings and pondering the events that led up to this mess.
Kankuro seemed to indicate that he tried to take his own life because he was lonely and felt isolated. Why? The answer was clearly his sexual orientation. But what about being able to see every bone in his body? He had often heard that eating disorders were linked to not just poor self esteem, but also to perfectionism, and the compulsion to have control. He had read that it developed as a means to try and have control over something when the suffer felt that they had control of nothing. Going on now meticulous Kankuro was with everything, he was without a doubt a perfectionist.
Every report he wrote had a detailed chronological account of everything that happened on his mission. His grammar and syntax were perfect and his hand writing uniform throughout the page. His room was always cleaned. His puppets were ready to go at a moments notice, always fully stocked with hidden weapons, and he shudders a bit, but poisons as well. His war paint was always perfectly applied and whenever he had seen Kankuro fight, his command over his weapons was impeccable and rehearsed. Every maneuver of his puppet was calculated and all three he had perfect command over. His perfectionism was well hidden behind a flippant seeming attitude and rough speech patterns, but the more Rasa thought about it, the more he saw.
If being gay made him feel lonely, what made him feel like his life wasn't in control? Rasa didn't have an answer for that, but he got the feeling that they weren't caused by the same thing. As he mulls over this he had already downed his first beer. And why was he so against gay marriage? Why did he find it disgusting? He had never bothered to ask himself why he felt that way. Well his father told him it was wrong. But as he starts sipping on his beer he wonders what his own thoughts were on the matter.
Why is it wrong for two men or women to love each other? He really didn't have an answer. Why was it disgusting? It wasn't what people were used to seeing. But did that make it gross? Not in the slightest. What made women attractive to him? That thought stops him. Sure they were beautiful, they were in many cases kind and sweet, but for as many kind and beautiful women he had met he hadn't had the desire to have sex with one. Not since his wife died. And sure he had sex with his wife, but it hadn't felt intimate. He always had thought it was because it had been an arranged marriage rather than a marriage from love. But when in his life had he felt love for another to the deep point where he would give his life for another? When had it brought tears to his eyes?
The answer to that was the day Temari and Gaara were born. When he first lied eyes on his son and daughter he had such high hopes for them and would give the world to see them succeed. And the day he found an abandoned baby left in an area of the village slated for demolition and redevelopment into a hospital. It was when he was doing his final walk through that he had first heard the small cry of a new born. He had been tucked away in a garbage can. And somehow this carried a different meaning than the birth of his oldest and youngest. Rather than seeing Kankuro for the first time and being in awe of the life he created, he was in awe of the little ones fighting spirt. Rather than being protective from a hormonal bliss induced by the birth of his biological children, his protectiveness of Kankuro was a conscious decision. His plan to raise him was something he chose, even if his wife didn't want to care for a child that wasn't hers. Kankuro was the first person the 17 year old had chose to love, and now half a life later at 34, he almost ruined him.
The first person he had chose to love. Was Kankuro. What did this mean? He hasn't chosen to love anyone else as family since his discovery. But Kankuro was his sweet little boy. His world revolved around his village and his kids. He loved his village and his people deeply, but not on the same personal level as his family. Gaara had the same look as him, but he had the emotions and spoke like his mother had. As a kid he had been kind by nature like his mother. He was born when Rasa had been 19, and his wife was 21. Gaara was their strongest. He would be Rasa's legacy. Temari looked like her mother, but had inherited his iron will. She's beautiful and strong and he couldn't be more proud of her. Temari was his pride. And Kankuro. Kanny was entirely different. His personality was in a class al by its self. Flippant, yet calculated. Relaxed but intelligent. Strong but modest. Not many people saw him this way, but to him it seemed like Kankuro had an image he was trying to project. But since day one, Kankuro had always been his light and joy.
Where did he lose that? By the time he left he had 5 beers.
Okay. Just another chapter to set the scene. First I set up the events leading up to the plot and then establish the frame of mind of the characters. I think Kankuro's is pretty well established based on his actions, but Rasa's was a bit more difficult and I also wanted to put a bit of background in. Kanny being adopted is pretty important to this story. Now to move on with the plot. DUN DUN DUN! As usual please read and review. Flames will be used to burn calories.
