Chapter 3

Extraction


It is days after Team 7's deployment and Sunagakure was still in disarray. With the death of the Kazekage, the Sand Council continued to bicker over who should be the next Kazekage. They dismissed Gaara's abduction as only an unfortunate event and did not consider it a priority to save him.

Because the Sand let the Akatsuki be the Akatsuki could seal Gaara's Tailed Beast unhindered. They convened in a hidden cave in the River Country but most of the members were in holographic form, save for Deidara and Sasori who were physically in the hidden cave.

Holograms were utilized for their convenience. With Akatsuki's members spread throughout the Ninja World, it would take an unprecedented amount of time to seal away the Jinchuuriki's Tailed Beast. Holograms allowed the members of Akatsuki to be anywhere in the Ninja World, yet be present for the extraction of the Tailed Beast. And thus, it became a vital technique for every member of Akatsuki to master.

The Leader prepared the extraction by summoning a great statue. Each member of Akatsuki then perched upon one finger of the statue's hands. Then when all of the members performed a hand seal, the top of the statue's fingers glowed and its mouth opened. The Jinchuuriki lifted into the air and his Tailed Beast, little by little, was sucked into the statue's mouth.

"So how long will sealing the One Tails take? Hmm?" Deidara asked his compatriots.

"It'd take a day with Naruto present," Zetsu informed Deidara.

Naruto corrected Zetsu, "It's not Naruto. It's the Fifth Mizukage,"

"Oy, why are you calling yourself such long-winded names?" Hidan peevishly asked Naruto. He was starting to get annoyed by Naruto's corrections. Ever since Akatsuki left Kusagakure, Naruto has been nothing but a thorn in his side. If one says the name 'Naruto', he immediately corrects you with a bizarre or infamous name known throughout the Ninja World. Such vanity irked Hidan to his core.

"Don't bother, just ignore it," Kisame advised Hidan. He too found it overbearing to have Naruto correct him, but gave up trying to understand why Naruto acted the way he did.

"Even though it's only going to take a day, it's going to be uneventful," Deidara sighed, "Anyone have any funny stories to tell? Hmm?"

The Leader promptly told Deidara, "This isn't a woman's knitting club. This is the criminal organization, Akatsuki. We brood, not gossip,"

But Naruto dismissed that notion, "A brooding organization is only asking for its own demise. Who wants to think about the end of the world all day? Kisame-san, why don't you tell us about the time you accidentally ate Shark-Fin Soup and made yourself puke,"

Kisame muttered to himself, "I told you not to talk about that,"

"Oh? Kisame..." Hidan chuckled, "I didn't know you hated Shark-Fin Soup. It's not like cannibalism to you is it?"

The reference to his appearance enraged Kisame, to him it was a touchy subject. He calmed himself instead of scream though, seeing no point in raising his voice. So Kisame coldly told Hidan, "That isn't funny. I just find it disgusting to eat something that is an endangered species,"

Naruto grinned, "Are you sure it isn't your affinity and delusional fantasy of being a shark that forced you to puke?"

"If you weren't next to me, I'd rip off your mouth off," Kisame threatened.

The Leader interrupted with an order, "Enough talking. Just concentrate on sealing the One Tails,"

Naruto replied, "As you say, Leader-baka,"

Upon hearing himself be called 'Leader-baka', the Leader nearly broke down and cursed. But he bit his tongue instead, telling himself that Naruto's behavior only serves as a distraction. So he reasoned that he must bear Naruto's unbearable behavior in order to find out Naruto's weaknesses—so they can get rid of him as soon as possible.

The Leader hesitantly approached Naruto, not sure of how to go about finding his weakness, "So… Fifth Mizukage,"

"What?" Naruto bluntly asked.

"Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like… you know, describe yourself. Your strengths," Hidan explained.

The Leader was quick to point out, "And your weaknesses… we need to know so we can," the Leader made up an excuse, "…make a more cohesive unit,"

Then Naruto scratched his chin, repeating, "Describe myself," a few times as if it would help him understand the meaning of describing one's self. He didn't really know what to say, since throughout his entire life, no one was ever interested in him. Most of the time people fled at the very sight of him or only glared at him for the monster he apparently was. So Naruto decided to describe himself the only way he knew was possible, "Well… I'm the Fifth Mizukage, the Iron's Hitokiri Battosai, the One-Man Blight, the Tamer of the Four Saintly Beasts, Naruko the Whore, the Uchiha's Bane, the Fallen Senju, the Eye-Snatcher, the-"

"Oiee! Don't list out names!" Hidan interrupted.

"Well, names are what define a person," Naruto shrugged, "What do people think when they say someone's name? They think of everything that name entails, they think of their love for them or their hatred for them, they think of all the times they spent together, and all the weird mannerisms he had—a name describes a person,"

The Leader never thought he would have this sort of conversation with someone so powerful. One would think that a powerful ninja would at least have some common sense. He tried to explain, "A name can only go so far. If you never met the person, the name evokes nothing. Haven't your parents ever taught you these kinds of things?"

"My parents died when I was born. I am an orphan,"

The rest of Akatsuki became silent when they heard that he was an orphan. None of them knew what to say to Naruto without violating some sort of social faux pas. Granted, they all had messed up lives and manners weren't considered an important aspect of their conduct. But interacting with someone as powerful and erratic as Naruto requires finesse—which all of them lacked.

However, the Leader refused to remain silent since he was desperate to know more about Naruto and any weaknesses that he could have. The Leader needed to know. He couldn't let a conceited teenager like Naruto get the best of him. "How about you tell us your story? How you made it all the way to Akatsuki that is," the Leader asked.

"Nah, it's nothing noteworthy," Naruto humbly told the group.

Hidan pointed out Naruto's sudden change in demeanor, "Why is he being so modest? Just a few minutes ago he was bragging about all the names he had,"

Naruto acted like he didn't hear it, "Well, if you guys really want to know, I guess I can give you a brief summary…even though that alone is sort of long,"

"He's screwing with us," Hidan warned the Akatsuki, "He's using this as an excuse to brag some more, I can feel it,"

The Leader hushed Hidan, desperate to get something of value from Naruto's story.

"It all started in Konoha. As you all know I have a Nine Tailed Beast sealed inside of me and he did some bad things. So everyone hated me since I had him in me. I didn't like being hated. I wanted to be acknowledged by them. So I did retarded things like playing pranks, stealing, and tagging the village a bunch of times just to get some attention. But I suppose I was too dumb to realize that that pisses people off. So I predictably became even more desperate for their attention. I don't know why I couldn't see the stupidity of the whole situation, I mean just because some idiot sealed a fox into a kid doesn't make the kid the fox. But whatever. Anyways, I saw how the Hokage was so respected and how everyone looked up to him. So I thought I should be like him.

"And that is why I entered the Ninja Academy hell-bent on becoming a Hokage. But I sucked. Hard. I failed the graduation exam three times because I failed at being a ninja. I remember looking at this kid named Sasuke, and how perfect he was and how everyone loved him—boy, was I pissed at him. But that's another story. Anyways, so I didn't pass my exams, I didn't become a genin, and I think I was crushed by the whole ordeal. And it was the third time I failed that my life changed for good. A teacher came up to me. I think he was called Misukai or something? I don't remember but he was a dumbass so let's just call him 'Hidan',"

"Oy! Why the hell are you using my name?!" Hidan yelled.

Naruto laughed, "What do you think why?"

Hidan could've yelled some more but the Leader silenced him and asked Naruto to continue his story.

Naruto did so, "Anyways, so Hidan came to me all high and mighty. Like he knew what he was doing even though he really didn't. He tricked me into stealing a forbidden scroll that he said could have me graduate if I learn one of the forbidden jutsus, but to make the story simpler let's just call the scroll a dildo,"

"Why that?!" Hidan asked.

"Quiet," the Leader commanded. If the Leader had to jump through hoops to find Naruto's weakness then so be it, "Go on, Naruto. He made you steal a dildo and…?"

"Oh, the whole village was going crazy because this dildo has been in the village since its creation. So they searched frantically for the dildo I had strapped to my back,"

Sasori commented, "This is starting to sound weird,"

But Naruto ignored the comment, "They couldn't find me or the dildo since I was in a shack hidden in the forest. I was alone so I used the huge dildo to teach myself powerful techniques. But my teacher… oh what's his name…Irusei? Never mind, let's just call him 'Kakuzu',"

Kakuzu's left eye started to twitch a little, but Naruto continued regardless, "Anyhow, Kakuzu caught me using the dildo and was really mad because I used it without permission. I explained that Hidan told me I could be a ninja if I used the dildo. But before either of us knew what was going on, Hidan suddenly attacked the both of us and proclaimed that he tricked me so he could use the dildo for himself. Kakuzu told me to run off with the dildo while he held Hidan off.

"But Hidan ignored Kakuzu and ran off to find the dildo. He looked all over the place until he finally found someone who looked like me. He asked if he could have the dildo, but it turned out to be Kakuzu who then slammed him to the ground. Hidan was stronger, however, and ended up knocking Kakuzu to the ground. With Kakuzu defeated, Hidan demanded to know the location of the dildo. Kakuzu flat out refused and I just watched from a distance as Hidan stabbed Kakuzu for not telling him where the dildo was-"

At that point, Kisame and Deidara were laughing out loud.

Hidan started to scream, "This was all an excuse for him to screw with us!"

"Are you sure you're not screwing yourself?" Naruto smirked, "You really wanted the dildo for some reason,"

"Naru- I mean, Fifth Mizukage, that wasn't funny," The Leader fought back the urge to laugh.

"But I'm not done," Naruto told the group, "So I was really pissed that Hidan killed Kakuzu. So I whacked Hidan with the dildo. Unfortunately, the village was still pissed. I think stealing the dildo really was the final straw for them. So I fled Konoha with nothing but a kunai in one hand and a dildo in the other. I was still convinced that I could make the village proud and deluded myself into thinking that if I train harder while away that they'll somehow forgive me for stealing a dildo. Then at one point or another, I became homesick and went back to the Village Hidden in the Leaves,"

Then Naruto suddenly became silent. Something about his return to Konoha saddened him, and the Akatsuki could tell by just looking at his eyes. The Leader noted tears that seemed to well up within them, but Naruto refused to let them go. Naruto sighed, "But they didn't forgive me, and tried to kill me. My body escaped, but I was lost. Disillusioned, I sought what it meant to be a shinobi and traveled the world to see what the heroes of old times were like and why they were even called heroes. I suppose you could call the ordeal soul-searching… just with a lot of dead bodies along the way,

"It was when I nearly destroyed Kirigakure as the Fifth Mizukage that Leader-baka found me. His cloak intrigued me, and he offered it to me if I joined. So I figured, 'Why not?' and here I am,"

"Hold on, back the hell up," Hidan angrily said, "You joined Akatsuki because of the cloak?"

Naruto only shrugged in response, "Yeah, it looked cool at the time,"

"Wait, what do you mean 'at the time'?" the Leader asked.

To which Naruto confessed, "It's really hard to go to the bathroom when you're wearing it,"

Hidan couldn't believe what he was hearing, "What kind of freaking reason is that?! You don't commit to an organization hell-bent on world domination just because they had good-looking cloaks! Leader-baka, back me up on this!"

But the Leader didn't replied, so Hidan asked, "Leader-baka?" and then he saw the Leader and exclaimed, "Oiee! Leader, why are you worrying over that?!"

The Leader ended up crouching and twiddling his thumbs when he heard Naruto's criticism. He brooded over the flaws of Akatsuki's attire and muttered, "The cloak works… I mean… striking fear into your enemies is better than making it easier to go to the bathroom, right? That's why the cloak is the way it is…"

To see the Leader in such a state invoked pity in Hidan, so he tried to comfort him, "Leader-baka! Don't be upset! We all like wearing the cloaks, they look really good! They're good right guys?"

Deidara voiced his opinion, "They're pretty stylish, I guess. But I would've made the cloak look a little more… explosive. Hmm,"

However, Kisame admitted, "…they are difficult to go to the bathroom in,"

And Zetsu expressed his own dislikes, "The neckband is a little tight around my appendages…"

Kakuzu and Sasori didn't join the conversation though. Instead they were annoyed. Kakuzu sighed, "Why are we talking about something like this?" and Sasori pondered over leaving Akatsuki.

As all of this unfolded, Naruto suddenly announced to the Akatsuki, "Excuse me, I need to throw up," and then his hologram disappeared.

Hidan yelled in vain, "Oy! You can't just leave a sealing extraction! Get back here!"

"No, Hidan," the Leader picked himself up despite his wounded pride, "Leave as well and find out why he's throwing up, it could be from a weakness,"

"Or it could be the food poisoning," Kisame remarked sarcastically.

"What? Why me? The kid hates me, make Kakuzu go," Hidan protested.

Kakuzu's voice bellowed throughout the cave, "If I go, I'll make sure you suffer,"

Hidan rebuked, "You can't kill me, I'm immortal remember?"

To which Kakuzu replied, "Then I will cut off your head and limbs and scatter them across the world,"

Hidan recoiled at that threat, and thus relented. He disengaged his hologram and returned to his physical body far away from the River Country where the Akatsuki were sealing the Tailed Beast. When he opened his eyes, Naruto abruptly puked on his lap. For a brief moment, Hidan didn't do anything but give a serious face. Then, he recomposed himself and pushed Naruto off the large boulder they sat upon and screamed, "What the hell are you doing?!"

Naruto fell to the ground, but quickly recovered and wiped his mouth, "Sorry Rook, I couldn't hold out,"

"Rook? What the hell is 'Rook'?"

"It's what the 'Hi' in 'Hidan' means, doesn't it?"

"Even if it does, don't call me that. It's Hidan. Hi. Dan."

"Okay, Dan,"

"...Never mind, why are you throwing up? You're messing up the extraction,"

Naruto waved his hand, "It happens from time to time,"

"You make it sound like puking is common,"

"Meh, for me it is,"

"…You should probably get that checked out,"

"Nah, its fine. It's just a side effect of my jutsu,"

"Oh? What jutsu is that?"

"I don't think you know about it, Kisame does. It's a genjutsu and fuinjutsu combined,"

Hidan feigned interest. He knew he was close to important information, "Do tell,"

"I got it from that dildo that you wanted so badly,"

Hidan grinded his teeth together to restrain himself from trying to kill the blonde. "What does it do?" he asked.

"Well, genjutsu affects the mind. So basically I cast a genjutsu on a person's mind and I sort of… oh, what's the right word… seal their mind. I like... become the Jinchuuriki of their mind,"

"What?"

"It's difficult to explain, but either way the victim falls into a coma and never wakes up from it since I took their mind,"

"Then how does it cause you to throw up?"

"Well a guy can only handle so many minds in their head… sometimes they just spill out of you,"

"…So that stuff you're throwing up… is that their mind?"

When Naruto nodded, Hidan freaked out. He had a person's mind all over his cloak. If it were blood or entrails, then everything would be fine. But someone's consciousness physically on him disturbed Hidan, "Why the hell did you have to throw up on me?!"

Naruto only shrugged. He could care less about Hidan's distress, "I can't help when I throw up, it just happens,"

"You're sick! You're out to get me aren't you?! Do you like to screw with me or something?!"

As Naruto climbed up the boulder to where Kakuzu was, he told Hidan, "I haven't forgiven you for making me take that dildo,"

"You're still on that?! That wasn't even me!"

Naruto sat on the boulder and formed a hand sign. Before he projected his mind back to the River Country with the rest of Akatsuki, he cryptically told the man, "Everyone is you," and continued, "Quit whining and get back up here, the extraction process is only going to take longer if you dawdle,"

When Naruto and Hidan returned, Hidan nodded to the Leader to indicate he had some information on Naruto's technique. The Leader acknowledged Hidan's gesture, pleased to know they got something out of the ordeal. Now he can enjoy a Tailed Beast extraction in peace.

But the Leader's respite of satisfaction ended when Zetsu shared some alarming news, "Some ninja are approaching the hideout. They appear to be looking for the Jinchuuriki we captured,"

The Leader then cursed the whole situation, they just got through one ordeal with Naruto, and now there was ninja upon them that would disrupt the extraction. He chastised Deidara, "I told you to capture the Jinchuuriki quietly, not attract attention,"

"He was pretty difficult to capture," Deidara defended, "Leader-baka, would you rather have the Jinchuuriki or not? Hmm?"

"Why does everyone call me Leader-baka…" the Leader rubbed the temples of his head.

Sasori ignored the Leader's exasperation and took it upon himself to tell the group, "We need to take care of these ninja. It would be troublesome if they interrupted the extraction,"

"Who is willing to go? Hmm?"

Zetsu told the group, "Whoever goes should know that the enemy are Konoha ninja,"

"Then I'll delay them," Naruto quickly announced.

"You can't do that. You're not really at Sasori and Deidara's location," Hidan told the blonde.

Naruto asked his colleagues, "Wait," and his hologram disappeared. Then in a flash, Naruto physically appeared behind Deidara, "Yo," he said.

"Oy! How did you do that?! Hmm?!"

"I put a seal on you that lets me teleport to your location, real convenient isn't it?"

Deidara stopped extracting the Tailed Beast and looked over his body. When he discovered the seal behind his right shoulder, he shouted, "Why did you do that to me?!"

"Don't worry, I didn't single you out I put a seal on everyone,"

Upon hearing that, all of the Akatsuki disengaged their holograms and ceased the extraction of the One Tails and frantically searched their bodes for seals.

"Idiots! Can't you check that later?!" the Leader cursed.

"Let them look for it, I'm off to meet the Leaf," Naruto started to walk out of the cave.

"You stay here! We need you to seal off the Tailed Beast since everyone else left!"

Naruto sighed and crossed his fingers to make a shadow clone.

He looked away from the shadow clone, refusing to look at his own face. The shadow clone, likewise, didn't openly acknowledge Naruto, instead he jumped up to where Naruto was stationed and commenced the extraction. Naruto explained, "The shadow clone has enough chakra to finish the extraction in time. The others should be back after they found their seals, and I'll take my time toying with the Leaf,"

The blonde walked out of the cave eager to confront the Leaf shinobi.


A/N: thanks for reading my fanfic again! If you just read this story, thanks for reading this far. If you've read the story since it was posted, I revamped the first two chapters a bit to make it flow better and clarify a few points. The gist of it remains, so it isn't necessary to reread but I thought you should know anyways. : )