Disclaimer: I don't own Mr. Merchant. If I did he'd have gotten MANY more lines and appearances.
Inspired by: Ghehe, let's not go there.


Ehehehehe, thank you for coming back and reading some more, strangah.
I just came back from 'work' and am rather excited. I sold so many guns today, I technically don't have to go back to sellin' stuff for at least a week. But it wouldn't feel right to do nothing, so I won't be staying home.

Anyway, last time we spoke, or I spoke, and you read, I told you I would be writing about my hobbies today, and perhaps the object of my affections.
Do you honestly think I would tell you about things like that before telling you who I really am? Or maybe what I really am.
Because I know you are one of those strangahs who has tried to kill me. Maybe you did it to test a gun, maybe you did it because my accent bothered you, or maybe you did it by accident.
If you did it with a rifle you probably zoomed in on my face and wondered why the hell I'm wearing colored contacts. Maybe you found me strangely attractive because my eyes look so mysterious. Or maybe, probably, you didn“t give a damn and shot me.
Well strangah, I'm not wearing any contacts. The thought of putting something on your eye seems very unnatural to me. No, I have eyes like these because I am one of them.
Oh my ganados, I am one of them. Them! I'm not talking about florists, I'm talking about those strangahs you see in and around the village.
Poor Saddler decided to give me 'awesome' powers, but he never got anything in return. Or not much anyway. The man was killed with a launcher that came from me. I almost felt bad for that.
Yes, almost. Then I realised some strangah bought it at a high price, so instead of feeling bad I decided to count my money.

I may be a ganado, but there is no reason to worry about that, because I'm not posessed. Which is a good thing. One time I saw this movie and there was a posessed girl in it, she could turn her head 360 degrees! I tried to do the same, but only pulled a muscle. It hurt for a whole week.
Indeed, the life of the posessed isn't that great.
The biggest downside of it is the fact that there is a parasite living in my body, and it's not paying rent. Every time I check a mirror I'm reminded of that.
Maybe it doesn't have enough cash. If it refuses to pay I will have to have it removed. I might get my own eye-color back.

Oh, lovely. The Leon-man is back. I wonder what he wants now.

"What're ya buying?"
"Eh, do you have..." Leon's face turned red.
In the back I saw that blonde girl standing, hopping around like a bunny.
"Leooooon, make haste!" She yelled.
"You ask him!" Leon yelled back.
"What're ya selling?"

I saw Leon walk back to the blonde, Ashley I believe, and they started to talk. I wasn't close enough to overhear their conversation, so I have no idea what it was about. They looked like they were argueing though. Hmm, odd couple.

Leon came back to me. "Listen, I need eh..."
"What'll it be, strangah?" I asked.
"I need thingies, right? For the ladies." Leon said.
"Condoms?" I asked.

Somehow that made Leon blush even more, and once again he walked back to the Ashley-girl.

"But Leon, it happened!" I heard her yell.
"Did you not... You know?"
"No, that's why I'm asking you to ask him!"

For a moment I felt bad for him.
And he came back.

"TAMPONS!" He yelled.
I wasn't sure what to say to that.
"I need tampons!"
"What're ya gonna do with those, strangah?" I asked.
"Give them to her!"
"Do I look like I sell those, strangah?"
"No, but she made me ask!"

It's not hard to guess who would be in charge if those two were in a relationship. If I ever find a woman that makes me get tampons for her, I might have to practice my aim on her face.

"I don't sell those, strangah." I told Leon.
"Oh, well. Sucks." Leon replied. "I'll raid a public bathroom for her, they usually have those in exchange for coins."
"Too much information, strangah." I chuckled.

Finally, they left. Tampons.

I don't remember what I was going to say anymore, that one word threw me off guard. Why would I sell things like that? You can't shoot anything with it, neither do they cure wounds. Though I heard they are rather handy when you have a nosebleed.
I'm sorry, too much information from my side now.

Just in case you're wondering, that Ashley is not the object of my affections. She has no idea how to defend herself, and she doesn't care about guns, so she's not interesting. I need a fiery woman, one that can keep up with me when I'm running from one post to another. Maybe one that can carry my backpack. I look horrible when it's on my back, I'm practically begging for a hernia.
Ahwell, I might be taking my leave, strangah. That conversation with mr. Kennedy has confused me so much, I have no idea what else to tell you. Also, I need reload a lot of guns because I think the ganados want to separate my head from my body.

I do wonder though... Saddler is dead and Leon and Ashley are still around. Don't they have anything better to do than run around, looking for female hygiene products?
Odd. I should ask them sometime.
Or not.

Time to take my leave. Next time I will tell you about my hobbies and the object of my affections... Unless that Ada-woman comes around, asking for a bra. In that case I might have to shoot myself.

Until next time, strangah!


Oh my ganados, I chased away all male readers! *Le gasp* I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. I might write a one-shot soon, because updating is something I don't like. I have a writers-block the size of Uranus.
Please R&R, and if not, come back when I do update. Next will be better. (I always say that, and people ALWAYS come back. Tsk.)