Dynasty Warriors: The New Retelling
Summary: While details are sparse, the confirmed characters of the latest DW game get together to discuss their RADICAL redesigns…
Disclaimer: Koei owns Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors. Li Wen is MINE! All MINE! Also, the opinions expressed in this fanfiction are all strictly my observations.
Author's notes: Hey everyone! Thanks for waiting! Like I've said multiple times, I am a VERY lazy author!
Once more, I would appreciate it if you used the reviews to review the STORY, not the designs. Nothing wrong there, it's just that that sort of thing is more suited to a forum where more people would readily respond instead of one crazy author with too much free time on his hands. XD
Fun fact: At the time of this update, I was aware of the DW6 Special for the PS2! I'll go into THAT in the bonus chapter!
Chapter 3: Wu
Li Wen rubbed his temples and then massaged his brows under the sheer stress. Xu Zhu may have gone with his kingdom, but Don Zhuo was still there, hogging the food. To add insult to injury, Meng Huo and the Nanman clan were-
"Meng Huo?! You aren't even in this game, dangit!"
"Who cares? ! Free food!"
Even three normally built characters weren't able to budge them, though the lesser peons of the south were easily swatted away in typical Koei beat 'em up style.
"Goemon! I know you haven't been around since SW1, but get 'em away!"
The fat thief with the cannon and mace tumbled forward but as soon as he noticed the entire buffet, he too rushed forward and started to scarf the food down.
"This had better be worth it…" the perspective OC muttered.
-Wu's section. No Wu related puns here.-
"I hope we don't get that Oda fellow…I saw him walking in the building with his evil glowing sword!" Xiao Qiao whined innocently. The composed Lu Meng, posing in his new, dignified strategist's robe, huffed.
"Don't worry. I saw him headed for Wei."
Lu Xun, relaxed that Zhou Yu was not around to kill him for raiding his DW3 wardrobe and making some alterations, looked around in earnest curiosity.
"But who would they send to US?"
Taishi Ci sat Sun Quan down with a sigh.
"Will you PLEASE calm down, my lord? Gan Ning is NOT going to harm you. Even if he wanted to, he is detained in the weapons-only room.
"B-B-B-But he said he'd KILL me! I mean, I took the man's clothes, added a sash, and carved a line in the middle of his sword!"
"Yes, well, maybe you should have put a lot more thought into your design, but such is the price of popularity."
"Greetings, Chinese! The true master of the Art of Warfare is here!"
Shingen Takeda, wearing his lion-like mask which looked like he stole it from a kabuki stage-
"Shh! Not so loud! The Anegawa Kabuki Troupe is still looking for me!"
...Right. Shingen Takeda, in his lion-like mask, marched (well, more like crawled) into the room. Crouched down like a waiting tiger (he thought) he raised a hand and waved at the Wu characters.
"Yo! I'm Shingen, and I'll be your surveyor!"
The pompous but warm man got up and dusted himself off with his tessen war fan, easily capable of causing explosions, earth quakes, or gale force winds.
"Wait a minute," the logical Lu Meng interjected, "How are YOU suited to interviewing US? I mean, what is the connection?"
"Oh, it's simple! Your rulers are descended from Sun Tzu! And I have always been an admirer of the man's work!"
The characters stared, not willing to believe that the author had actually thought that one through.
"...Fine. I'm the leader of the red forces, so naturally he picked me.
"So, what seems to be the problem? Or should I say lack of a problem?" he began cheerily.
Xiao Qiao got off her seet and raised her hands.
"Ooo! Ooo! Me first! Me first! My outfit is SOOOOOOO cute! I mean, sure, it sucks that my sister isn't in it, but our movesets were so similar I'm afraid they had to go with the wife of someone with a unique moveset! And I really like it and my fans are the same, and I'm just so thrilled to be in this game!"
Shingen dabbed his brush and wrote down on a scroll, chuckling.
"Right, little missy. That's done. Who's next?"
Lu Meng raised a hand.
"I'd like to say that even the fur is a nice look, and my weapon is actually one of the few that's unchanged. I just wish they gave me a cooler pose or something in the game. Really makes me look like a rugged field strategist...which I am."
Lu Xun got up and raised his sword.
"Right, and I...uh...hold on..."
The successor of Lu Meng and Zhou Yu looked around. Zhou Yu was nowhere to be seen. He sighed in relief.
"Alright. Well. It's very different from what I traditionally have, but I have to admit that using a single jian..."
"I'm sorry, what?" Shingen interrupted.
"I said that a single jian..."
"What was that?"
Lu Xun waved his sword around.
"Jian! Jian! My SWORD!"
"Ohhh. Why didn't you say so?"
"Wait a second," Taishi Ci began, "If you like our culture so much, shouldn't you know that jian means straight sword?"
"...I never claimed to be an expert. For example. The Dragon Boat Race. What the heck is THAT about?"
"That's to celebrate a patriotic poet," Lu Meng sighed.
"Ah. And Chinese New Year. What's THAT for?"
"The new year?" Xiao Qiao guessed to try and be helpful.
Shingen cleared his throat.
"Continue!"
"...So...my...sword...is a nice departure. Very elegant and agile moveset, suits me a lot. My outfit is also great. It really suits-"
"You look JUST like my husband!" Xiao Qiao expressed bubbly.
Lu Xun looked down, depressed.
"Well...I like it...yeah..."
Taishi Ci dragged Sun Quan forward.
"He's happy too."
"Uh. Yeah. I uh...look like Gan Ning. Who is popular. Therefore, I must be popular too, right?"
Shingen laughed uneasily and patted the poor unfortunate monarch on the shoulder.
"Sure you are, my boy. Sure you are."
Taishi Ci sighed. It wasn't easy serving the Sun family. Still, he continued to talk.
"And as for me. Although I would have preferred my bludgeons, I kind of like this big trident. It complements the armour quite well, and I AM known for being well-armoured. This happens to be a pretty good looking and functional design, I might add."
Shingen finished writing all that down.
"Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go before my mask is confiscated and-"
"Hold it! My brother and father and bodyguard need your help! Well, my father and brother, anyway...Zhou Tai took the weapon change better than I thought."
Shinge Takeda sighed.
"Fine. But the longer I stay, the more likely the Kabuki Troupe will triangulate my position and capture me. They have GPS tracking devices in these things!"
-Design-only section…-
Sun Jian and Huang Gai, war buddies, couldn't stop staring into the mirror, tracing the white hair adorning their heads.
"By the gods! I could be my children's grandfather!"
"I could be YOUR grandfather!"
"Well, I could be your grandfather's grandfather!"
"Well, I-"
"STOOOOOOP!" cried the Japanese warlord. He stomped over quickly, in a rush.
"What's the problem?"
"WE'RE OOOOOOLD!" both warriors said concurrently.
"Nonsense. You're vigorous enough to be in this game."
"But look at our hair!"
"I can practically feel the osteoporosis in my bones!"
"Wait a minute, how do you know what osteoporosis is?"
"Well, when I thought I was getting old, I used the computer in the studio to look up symptoms. AND I CAN FEEL MY BONES CRUMBLING INTO POWDER!"
"…Fine. You don't like the white hair. Anything else about your design?"
Sun Jian and Huang Gai suddenly regained their composure and talked normally.
"What, the outfits?"
"Oh, we love THOSE. They look great on us. I just wish my club got a better moveset but it still looks great."
"…So you're only worried about getting old?"
The two senior Wu warriors cried.
-Weapon-only section…-
Zhou Tai glared at Gan Ning who was fiddling with his daggers.
"…What?" the pirate (the one with bells) finally asked.
"Unbelievable. Your old moveset heavily resembled the others. The only thing you seriously had going for you was your musou. You FINALLY get a unique moveset. And you're in HERE?"
"What can I say? You shouldn't fix something that's not broken!"
"I lost a katana, man! A KATANA! That's a lot worse than gaining a kickboxing combat style!" the gruff voiced Zhou Tai exclaimed with surprising passion.
Shingen made his way in.
"Somebody mentioned something about a katana?"
Zhou Tai pointed at Gan Ning.
"Talk to the crybaby first. Maybe you can dry his tears off with one of his fans."
Shingen shrugged.
"Eh. Alright."
The surprisingly strong Takeda clan head grabbed one of the fans huddled in the room and, amidst many protests, attempted to wipe Gan Ning's face clean of any possible tears with the person's body.
"WHA-HEY-CUT IT OUT! ! ! ! ! NOT COOL, MAN!!"
Shingen shrugged.
"Sorry. Your friend seemed so serious. I thought he meant it."
"It's ZHOU TAI. He ALWAYS sounds like that!"
"Oh. Anyways, what seems to be the problem?"
"Look, as much as I like looking like some golden haired lion, I want my sword! It's who I am! It's even called the SEA MASTER!"
"Funny. That weird hat-wearing original character said it was because you needed to compensate for other things which are small. Like your peeeeeeeeach seed sized bells."
"Uh…right…well…uh…HE LIES! I am NOT compensating for anything because I am PURELY AWESOME!"
Shingen continued fanning himself, not in the least impressed by the gruff bandit.
"Right. You feel even smaller. And you? The one with the katana?"
Zhou Tai sighed and drew his weapon, now a large curved sword, almost like a scimitar or Chinese broadsword.
"The weapon looks nice. It could have worked. Sadly, my moveset was made one of the placeholder ones. It might have been better suited to Huang Zhong or Xiahou Yuan…they're more conventional fencers…"
"But it's historically accurate."
Zhou Tai shrugged reluctantly.
"Yeeeeaaaaah, I guess, but when has the series bothered to be accurate?"
"…Good point. Even I'M feeling the effects of that. I should be dead by now, y'know," Shingen admitted. Mikatagahara should have done him in a few times…
"By the way, that's an awesome looking cape. Did it get that way?"
"Oh, actually, I laboriously drew up concept art for it myself and made the precise cuts so that it'd look like a set of dark wings. It took me thirty seven tries to get it right."
"Wow."
-Design and weapon section…-
Sun Shang Xiang, Zhou Yu, Sun Ce, and Ling Tong. The last four. They didn't like how they looked or what they used. As Shingen entered the room, he could sense the distinct negative vibe in the area.
"Whoa."
Ling Tong got up and held his weapon towards Shingen.
"'Whoa' is right! We've got a bone to pick with you guys!"
Unable to handle the weight of his new halberd/poleaxe, Ling Tong promptly fell forward with the heavy polearm, stumbling and tripping over the shaft.
SSX, my favourite target in fanfiction, was the first to speak.
"Just LOOK AT ME!"
"If you say so, little girl."
"AAARGH! ! ! I'm not a little girl, I'm a YOUNG WOMAN! I've been a tomboy for four games, not counting expansions and crossovers! And THIS is how your stupid game corporation thanks me? ! I demand justice! And look at this!"
She held out her bow.
"I did NOT train in martial arts just to shoot things from a distance! I am a sexy female vixen warrior with an indomitable spirit, bound to introduce feminism! You think I can promote feminism or romance officers looking like THIS?"
Sun Ce raised a hand.
"I dunno, sis. The Qiaos seem to romance us quite well."
"Yeah, well, I don't WANT to be rescued from kidnapping attempts! I want buff bishounen guys to rescue me and ruin the Shu-Wu treaty!" the princess whined.
Shingen waved his fan as if to cool off the hothead and laughed jovially.
"I see, I see. Well, don't worry. Plenty of people will write those things for you."
"AAAAAH!!"
Ling Tong's sudden shout of effort caught everyone by surprise. They saw him lift his halberd up only to have it fall backwards with its sheer weight, dragging him along with it.
"This weapon is NOT what defines me! The nunchuks WORKED!"
"You know, I heard they weren't even from China in the first place."
"NOT IMPORTANT! I had something that worked and they took it away from me! To make matters worse, I look less like Bruce Lee and more like Chuck Norris!" he shouted, gesturing to his rippling pecs outlined by the new streamlined outfit.
"Have you any idea what it's like getting stares from Zhang He? !"
Shingen was taken aback by this statement.
"Wait a second…he's GAY?"
"That's still up for debate," Zhou Yu replied.
"Yes, he's gay." Sun Ce deadpanned.
"TOTALLY queer…" Shang Xiang muttered with disgust.
Shingen gagged and spoke again.
"Right, well…I think we WILL have to do something about that…And you two? The couple, right?"
"What…?"
"Ew, NO!"
"Huh? But that kid with the hats referred to you as a couple or something."
"Li Wen?" Zhou Yu gasped, shocked that such a buffoon would be placed in charge of these interviews.
"Li Wen can't say anything without referencing a piece of fanfiction! Don't listen to him!" Sun Ce implored.
"Besides, I'm a GUY!" Zhou Yu asserted. An awkward pause followed as Shingen took in the second piece of ambiguous sexuality for the day.
"…You ARE? I could've SWORN you were a girl…I mean, I thought you were just by looking at you, and he said you were a couple…"
"We have FANFICS where we're a couple."
Not eager to cause another scene, the Takeda leader continued.
"So what seems to be the problem, you two…uh…guys?"
"You mean BESIDES the assumption we're a couple?" Zhou Yu muttered under his breath snidely.
"Well, it's just that our looks are totally reversed!" Sun Ce said, "I'M the martial arts guy in loose leather armour, and HE'S the dignified strategist field commander! I should be getting a bo staff or something, and HE should be getting this halberd thing!"
"Actually," Zhou Yu cut in, "I want a sword. And yes. What were they THINKING? You look at Sun Ce, you think martial arts. You look at me, you think strategist. And NOW?"
Shingen nodded sympathetically.
"I get you. You're an inversion of OUR problem. You've got straight people in gay outfits…we've got gay people in straight outfits."
"Wait, you do?"
"Oh, sure! It's even in our history! In fact, quite a few of us actually-"
Shingen didn't get a chance to finish his sentence because suddenly, a stage of cherry blossoms erupted from the ground. Several elaborately dressed actors and actresses wearing masks and/or make-up danced out from behind the trees, led by none other than Okuni, the dancing priestess of Samurai Warriors.
"Pshaaaw, Shingen! You didn't think you could escape the Anegawan Kabuki Troupe, did you?"
"Oh no! They're here!"
"Don't worry," the alluring young woman purred, "We'l be sure to hand in your results. But you STOLE that mask from us, and you must pay the penalty."
Keiji Maeda danced on stage, his face painted to match his wild hair.
"Yeah, what the lady said! We're takin' you DOWN, old man!"
"Oh no! Not THEM!" Shingen cried dreadfully.
To Be Continued
Author's notes: Craaaaawliiiiiing to the eeeeeeend…sounds like an emo rock band's lyrics, eh? Thanks for listening, folks! Shu and the unaligned characters are left, and after that, a bonus dedicated to the Dynasty Warriors 6 Special coming out for the PS2!
