IMPORTANT!
I am so sorry that it's taken me this long to update, but I genuinely am swamped at the moment. As it is, I felt so guilty about the long wait that I whipped up a short chapter to tide you all until I can write something more interesting. I've stayed up late to do it and I hope you appreciate that, because I have a poetry essay in for Monday and I'm choosing you over university ;)

Anyway, I know it's horrifically short and a bit filler-y and there are probably some mistakes in there but I hope you like it anyway. This time I will try much harder to bring an update out. I will give myself a week to do it, otherwise I am a failure and must be force-fed fish food (not the Ben and Jerry's ice cream, but the actual thing itself, which looks repulsive. I know; I have fish).

Title: The Sharpest Lives Chapter 3 [This is getting far longer than I had originally intended]

Author: lovechild1403

Summary: It's been three years since Captain Holly Short of LEPrecon had any contact with child genius, Artemis Fowl. However, things are going south in Haven and fate will push them together once again – in the bloodiest of ways. [Artemis x Holly]

Disclaimer: I am not Eoin Colfer and if I were, I wouldn't have been able to end The Time Paradox any better, no matter what I might otherwise say on the subject. The title is a song by My Chemical Romance, which was the inspiration for this story. I own neither the wonderful band members, their songs nor Eoin Colfer's works. Funnily enough, those belong to Eoin Colfer.

Word count: 1300

A/N: I have actually read all the books but I'm choosing to write this as though no books exist after The Eternity Code and I'm pretending that Artemis's scheme with the gold medallion worked so he got his memories back a couple of years later, which is when he originally told Mulch to come and find him. Also, Opal is in a genuine coma because otherwise I would have to kill her and I don't have time right now.

P.S. Also, the LEP recruited Mulch instead of giving him a two day head start. Let's be honest here, he's a freaking brilliant character.

SPOILER ALERT: There's nothing specific in this but, just to be safe, I'll say everything up to and including The Opal Deception (I use some of the technology mentioned in there, I think).


"Foaly told me you could use a hand." Holly breathed a sigh of relief and let a grin light up her face (Artemis was unsuccessfully trying to ignore how attractive this made her look).

"Commander Root, sir!" she said, snapping off a salute, though he wasn't really her superior any more and she just knew he was going to call her on it. Sure enough, he had an "I'm-not-your-commander-now-Holly" speech prepared, but before he could get very far into it, she stopped him, staring rather bemusedly at what else had just entered through the doorway. Artemis and Butler stared at it too, though Artemis for one looked quite pleased at this new development.

"Have I got something on my face?" Mulch said serenely, crossing his eyes to look at his scraggly beard in the hopes of finding a globule of clay or a stray bug that he'd missed earlier on in the day. Holly bit her lip so hard that she almost drew blood; sometimes it was like Mulch wanted her to insult him, what with such inviting comments as that.

"Mr Diggums," Artemis greeted him, seeming rather happy to see the dwarf, though not completely surprised. Seeing the exchange that passed between them, a thought hit Holly and she narrowed her eyes at the bearded entity that stood beside her former boss.

"Mulch, I assume you can explain to me how it is that both Artemis and Butler seem to have an impossibly good memory of our existence, considering the fact that they had their minds wiped not so long ago?" she asked stonily, her eyes fixed on a now shifty-looking Mulch Diggums. He didn't reply immediately so she continued. "Because knowing you as well as I do - more than perhaps I'd like, all things considered - I can't help but think that you had something to do with this." Mulch scratched his beard thoughtfully, the look on his face neither guilty nor innocent (as was his way), so as not to incriminate himself. It had taken him many years of practice to perfect this look and it worked rather well for him usually. Then again, he wasn't usually facing Holly Short in the mood that she was currently in, having just been forced by her new commanding officer to shoot someone whom she probably thought of as one of her best friends. Taking all these things into consideration, Mulch thought it would probably be best if he didn't try to get out of this one.

"Why don't you ask Artemis? I'm sure he can answer you much better than I can." Well... At least he hadn't outright lied. It was an improvement. Holly shook her head and turned to look at the mud man beside her, who was looking decidedly awkward, though he was doing an excellent job of covering it up with feigned nonchalance. She raised one eyebrow and waited for a response.

"I don't know quite what you were expecting, Captain Short," Artemis said finally, his mouth quirking into a smile that was more vampiric than it was comforting. "After all, I am a criminal mastermind and I think I have proved on several occasions that my intellect matches Foaly's and, more often than not, I like to think that my plans usually turn out for the best." He was rambling slightly and he hadn't really explained himself yet so Holly just left her eyebrow what it was. The silence that followed the boy's words was thick with tension. Eventually, Artemis broke.

"All right, so I might have engineered the situation so that the Mesmer you used was deflected and so that Mr. Diggums had in his possession some rather interesting evidence as to my position as a friend to the People and... Well, once I had that, naturally I regained all of my memories." Holly nodded, but something was still bugging her slightly. Something that, despite everything that had happened, was still at the forefront of her mind.

"When you remembered everything... Why didn't you get in contact with me again?" she asked, staring into Artemis's eyes as though expecting to find the answer there. The teenager looked slightly lost for words but, once again, the blistering silence got to him.

"I didn't know that you'd want me to," he answered honestly, fiddling with the end of his tie and refusing to make eye-contact. This wasn't like him at all; he could have come up with a much better excuse than that, but he couldn't bring himself to lie to Holly. He would have to examine exactly why that was later, but at that moment, Butler spoke the words that brought them all back to the matter at hand.

"So, how exactly are we going to fool your people into believing that Artemis is dead?" he asked, directing his question towards Holly and Root; as fond as he was of Mulch, he didn't really think that he wanted his ward's life in the grubby hands of a kleptomaniac dwarf. Holly was stumped; she'd made it this far mostly on blind luck and Foaly's careful planning, but not even that had covered what they were going to do afterwards. Suddenly, she remembered what she'd been about to say before Root and Mulch had surprised them all with their presence.

"Oh!" she said, something close to a smile passing across her lips. Everyone turned to look at her, and she quickly explained her plan, being as quick and detailed as she could manage. When she'd finished, Artemis looked torn between admiration and apprehension.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Mulch piped up, tilting his chin up so as to look as haughty as possible.

"Since it's not your life we're saving here, I'm going with 'no'," Root replied gruffly, but he looked amused beneath his moustache. Mulch simply looked put-out and Holly stifled a laugh.

"I have to admit, Captain Short, this is one of your better plans," said Artemis lightly, smiling. Holly's stomach did a back-flip, which she ignored with practised ease, but she managed to smile back.

"It'll be a piece of cake, right?" Mulch asked, his beard twitching nervously. Holly nodded reassuringly.

"Right!".

Wrong.


Good lord, that's even shorter than I thought it was going to be. I'm a terrible person. But let's say that I get this story wrapped up in two chapters, and I give myself until Christmas? Right. I can do this (probably).

Please tell me what you thought! :)