A/N: You can blame/thank StrawberrySab for the far less angsty direction of the end of this one ;). She hurt my Will and I had to do something :D. I hope they don't seem too much OOC. This one assumes that Will and Alicia haven't truly talked ever since the night of the elections. Enjoy!

Diane was radiant at her confirmation party. She belonged in the crowd of judges and politicians, smiling, polite, diplomatic and at the same time forceful when she needed to be.

She admired the older woman so much for her poise, her way of conducting business, the confidence she exuded. Now that she even had a stable, and happy, relationship Diane Lockhart was the envy of the entire room. Every woman in the ballroom, Alicia imagined, should want to grow up just like her.

She approached her, her arm intimately and casually linked with Peter's.

"Congratulations, Diane. I know you're going to make me proud. I can't imagine a Supreme Court Judge that will better serve the interests of Illinois' citizens" her husband said, clearly satisfied with his choice. Then again, he had always liked Diane.

"Thank you, Peter, for the opportunity. I had never dreamed that this could happen for me. I mean, of course I dreamt about it but then, those pesky ideals of mine always worked against me."

"You wouldn't give them up" she intervened.

"No, I wouldn't."

Diane was watching her strangely, trying to tell her something while Peter was none the wiser. Maybe she was just trying to remind her that she had given up those values in joining Cary at his new firm. Peter noticed that there was something unresolved between the two women and tried to break the tension.

"Oh, Diane, don't tell me you're still mad at Alicia for going on her own. It was the right timing. You would have done the same."

"Perhaps."

She focused her attention completely on Peter, smiled again, all gaiety, charm and kindness. Then she continued.

"I'm not mad, it's just strange to see how life can change radically in a few months."

Then when Peter had to excuse himself, Diane left too but not before revealing something she had already suspected.

"I'm still mad. But not for me, I have the life I so hard labored for. I'm going to enjoy my rewards. But for him, Alicia, I will always be mad."

Then she went to rejoin Kurt that seemed ill-at-ease left on his own in a large group of fourth or fifth-generation Democrats.

She hadn't specified who the him was. It would have been pleonastic.

The him in question was hanging out with Kalinda near the bar, his black, tailored suit a stark contrast to Kalinda's red dress.

She had never seen Kalinda in "grown-up"-wear before and yet she had found a dress that, despite being elegant, couldn't properly have been worn by anybody other than the smart, scary, fierce Kalinda.

From the matching smiles and the conspiratorial glances they kept throwing one another they were making fun of everybody in the room. Kalinda was probably disclosing some of the dirt on the self-important Senator that was directly on their eye-line. Will was listening in raptures to her and adding cogitations of his own. A few months before, she could have joined them and said something about his obnoxious manner of speaking or his bad breath.

They all would have toasted and she would have felt the time immediately speed up.

Instead, here she was, watching them from afar. Kalinda had kind of nodded at her before, acknowledging her presence. Will hadn't even done that. He had rigorously moved anytime she got closer to his area and Kalinda had never strayed from him. Like a faithful bodyguard, the best to keep away unwanted intruders.

She suspected he was doing the same for her.

Cary would have probably been brave enough to approach Kalinda with the protection of a public setting. But he wouldn't go near Kalinda and the man she had subtracted clients and attorneys from.

She had kept a Will-watch throughout the evening. She had seen him dance with Diane and the other female judges, she had observed him laugh with Kurt and even absentmindedly nod at Eli.

Then, way too early, he had made the necessary rounds and left the party with Kalinda.

She needed to slip away early. Unlike Peter and her kids, she had to go back in Chicago for an emergency injunction the day later. She had a long ride ahead of her so as soon as it was proper, she took the car Peter had prepared for her, left her kids with a thousand reminders for their father. He had smiled at her and told her she could be sure he would take care of their children and to come back as soon as she was done so they could spend at least part of the weekend together.

She had drunk a little too much and she was feeling a little tipsy. Thank God for the driver that was currently silently doing his job while she internally whined about those two or three glasses she shouldn't have had. The steady rhythm of the car lulled her to sleep and, even though she fought against it, the last image her conscious mind could conjure was that of how handsome Will had seemed that night.


"Madam, we have arrived."

She looked at her watch and nodded.

"Thank you so much."

"My pleasure, Madam, I'm thrilled to be serving the Governor."

She smiled while he helped get her out of the car and quickly got home. It took longer than anticipated to get out of the dress and eliminate the clips in her hair. Then she felt the need for a scalding hot shower. While under the spray she couldn't stop thinking about Will. About the apparently-insurmountable distance between the two of them, about how she had been missing him terribly, about how leaving his firm hadn't eliminated her fantasies, her needs.

Then, all of a sudden, she had resolved that she couldn't live one day more with that kind of avoidance between her and Will. She had to try and explain to him her reasoning, she had to do something.

She dressed casually and with her hair still half-wet she took her car, speeding in the empty Chicago streets towards his apartment.

Once there, the doorman regarded her suspiciously. She hoped he would let her pass without too much of a fuss.

"I'm here to see Mr. Gardner."

"I see, I'll call him and tell him you're here."

"That's not necessary, really."

"It's protocol, Madam First Lady."

He had recognized her but he was new enough that he hadn't known her in the time of her affair with Will, when she could waltz in without ever being interrupted. Will would have been delighted at her surprise. A time long gone.

"Are you sure you need to see him now? It's quite late."

"Yes, it's important."

The man, Maurice was the name on the tag, dialed a number and waited.

"Mr. Gardner, I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour. There is here Mrs. Florrick who would want to come up. She says it's important."

Maurice nodded.

"I understand, Sir, and sorry again for the late call."

Then he addressed her.

"I'm sorry, Madam, Mr. Gardner says he is very tired and that whatever the matter is, it can surely wait till the morning."

Her first reaction was to invoke her role, her importance. She had never done before but at this moment she wanted to use her being the wife of the Governor. Then she remembered her setting. Using her connection to her husband to bypass the doorman wouldn't endear her to Will one bit. She tried kindness again.

"Could you tell Mr. Gardner that it's ok and that I will wait in that chair till the morning if it's necessary?"

The man was annoyed at her insistence but nonetheless dialed the number again and relayed her message.

"Mr. Gardner says that you can go up."

"Thank you so much, Maurice."


When the elevator doors opened she noticed that Will was waiting for her on the door. She so wished she could run into his arms, kiss him desperately while he pinned her on the door and her legs naturally wrapped around his waist. For a second or two she considered giving in to her lust but then Will's arms blocked her. They were folded, not welcoming at all.

"What do you want, that you needed to harass my doorman and wake me up in the middle of the night?"

What did she want? She wanted to talk with him.

"I... We didn't have a chance to speak at Diane's party and I..."

"You're kidding, right? We had all the chances in the world. I just didn't want to. And I don't want to now. Goodnight"

By then, though, she had reached him and before he could close it she had inserted herself between the door and the wall. He was trapped now. He could either let her in or physically push her out.

Will, no matter how angry he was, would never touch her in a violent manner.

Indeed, he walked more inside his apartment and before locking the door on his bedroom she heard his words.

"How do I always forget how selfish you are with me?"

He had probably believed that sentence to be enough. She would leave the apartment and he would have gotten out of the conversation. He hadn't considered that this scenario posed the perfect opportunity. She would have loved to talk with him but most of all he needed to listen. So she crouched on the floor in front of his door and started speaking, sure from the noises she could hear that Will was still very awake.

"Do you remember our first real fight?"

Silence.

"The night of the Tort Law Exam. You had insisted we needed a night off even if we had Constitutional Law 4 days later. I had reluctantly accepted but then I blew you off focusing on the amendments. You called me just once and then gave up. You didn't speak to me again until I apologized. I hated admitting I was in the wrong, then and now. With one silly "I'm sorry", you were my Will again. You just needed me to admit that leaving you waiting at the pub had been a misguided thing to do. No judgment, no grudges. We went out that night and it was one of the most memorable celebrations of my life."

She could have sworn she had heard a noise resembling a sob. Was Will crying behind that door?

"I know that I could say sorry until the end of the weekend and it wouldn't be enough. But I had to make some kind of amend."

"Will you listen to me?"

Seconds passed in the quiet of the apartment. Finally, an answer.

"It's not like I have much of a choice."

He did have a choice. He was in bed originally so his noise-canceling headphones for when he was working late and needed some music must have been on his bedside. He could have put them on and drown whatever apology or explanation she could offer. He had chosen not to.

"It was a pure act of hubris. I thought severing all connections with you would help me stand straight on the righteous path. That you were the problem in my life. That me and Cary could be better than you and Diane at managing a firm. It makes me laugh, how utterly wrong I was. Being name partners is incredibly exciting for about a week before you realize all the problems that come with it. And life without you..."

How could she describe the hours that passed one too similar to the other, without any levity to look forward to during the day? How could she make him understand the loneliness of the nights with Peter in some gala or the other talking with everybody but connecting with nobody at all? How could she transmit the sensations that went galore any time she saw in court? How could she justify her barely controllable sexual attraction to a man she had abandoned and betrayed?

While she was lost trying to express what was in her head coherently, Will started talking.

"When I went back home during Winter Break I broke up with my girlfriend because I had fallen in love with you. When you married him, I was heartbroken but somehow hopeful. I thought that I had the ultimate proof that I was capable of falling in love and that it would happen again. I just had to wait. I would meet one amazing woman one day and I would forget all about you. I would experience those feelings again and this time she would choose me. Happy ending. Instead, woman after woman, relationship after relationship I found out that it wasn't that simple. And then when you came to work at Lockhart/Gardner I laughed. I had been a fool. I could not fall in love with another woman because I was still in love with you."

There they were, in the deep of the night, both deeply in love, a door to represent the solid barrier that she had put between them. For what? Was it really for Zach and Grace or was it still that stupid need of not resembling her mother?

Was she supposed to be able to control the tears? She couldn't. They flowed freely and the "Will" she pronounced was a plea to him to find a way to get them out of this impossible situation.

"I can't figure out how to accept the fact that the only woman that I have ever been in love with prefers betraying me rather than giving us a real chance."

She was sobbing uncontrollably. What had she done? The biggest mistake of her life just to recover the illusion of control. The happiest moments in her last years had been when she had let herself lose control with Will. He took her vulnerability like the exception it was and repaid her with a complete vulnerability of his own. Both vulnerable and yet willing to trust each other they had stumbled into a rare connection.

"The day that I discovered you and Cary were going away I knew I should have been angry. But Fury came later. That night I sat on my couch with a drink wondering what it was about me that drove you away, why you were stubbornly clinging to a promise made 20 years ago to a man that didn't know how good he had it."

The sobs had subsided. The weeping was now much more quieter but continuous. She still asked herself that question and couldn't find an appropriate answer. Maybe he had.

"Did you find answers?"

"No but then I went to sleep, I woke up and I realized I didn't care anymore. Whatever the reason is, I'm done being whatever I was to you. I might not get over you, but I still believe I have enough dignity to be something more than your lackey."

"You are tremendously more than my lackey. You're the man that I'm in love with."

She wished he would open the door so she could catch his eyes at her revelation.

"They could write a show about me, the politician's wife who is in love with a man who is not her husband."

"Not a very long one. The wife divorces and gets in the waiting arms of the man she is in love with."

Did she dare voice the idea that had been forming in her head and seemed more and more the only thing to do?

"Would those arms still be waiting even if the woman had an incredibly bad timing?"

She heard shuffling on the other side of the door. Will was getting up and then he was opening the door.

"What are you saying?"

His eyes were wet and devastated but she, being the Will-connoisseur she was, couldn't mistake the glint. It was hope. If Will could hope after everything it had happened, she could take a leap.

Alicia jumped.

"I'm saying, what if the woman divorced her husband way later than she should have and after having deeply betrayed the man. Would he be able to forgive her?"

But Will wasn't in vein of talking in hypotheticals.

"You were at his side tonight. You didn't look as a couple on the brink of divorce."

So he had paid attention after all. It had just gone unnoticed by her.

"I'm not saying this isn't sudden, Will. I spent my entire adult life following plan after plan. And you didn't fit in any of those."

"That's nice to hear."

"But, but, what was happening to you is happening to me now. I can't fall back in love with Peter because I'm still very much in love with you. And no matter how long I try to hide or torture this feeling out of me, it isn't going away."

"Why are you telling me this? Do you think I care about how much you hate what you feel for me?"

He was going back into the room but she grabbed his arm and made him turn. She kept her hand there and he didn't shake it away.

"No, listen, Will. I seem to be making one mistake after the other with you. What I have with Peter, it's comfortable, I'm used to it. It's what good for the children, for his political campaign..."

He shook her hand away but she put it firmly back where it was and kept going:

"Please, let me finish. I won't leave that life for nothing. It's not who I am. But if I were to have the option of more, I think I could do it."

"So you want me to tell you that I'll wait for you in case you decide to find the infinite strength to divorce Peter, that I'll forget and forgive and everything will be idyllic? Is that the fairytale you want me to tell you?"

"I know forgiveness is difficult. I know that recovering trust is even harder. If anyone can do it, it's you."

"Why? Because you've cast me as the White Knight and that's the part I'm supposed to play? Am I not allowed to be angry or upset or resentful?"

"No, of course you are. It's just that I'm seeing now how gigantic a mistake I made and the idea that there isn't any way to fix it..."

"You created this mess, you want a way out, it's up to you to find it, Alicia, and mainly to actually make it real. Divorce Peter, stop stealing clients using his aura, start being the Alicia I met at Georgetown and then, maybe, we can talk about whether forgiveness and trust are possible."

"You want me to risk it all for a possibility?"

"I don't want you to do anything. My opinion has never mattered in your life. But yes, if you truly love me, and you're not just, I don't know, missing a friend, you'll show me that I'm not the only one that gets to put myself out there just to be rejected over and over again."

"Would you reject me over and over again?"

A resigned ghost of a smile appeared on his face.

"Alicia..."

Oh, how she had craved hearing her name said by him like that. This was her Will, brimming with hurt and pain but also filled with affection, care and love.

"I think that, deep down, you know the answer to that question. But, after everything that happened, I need time. And I need more than stolen glances, secret meetings and regretted kisses."

She put her lips on his, slowly, gently, softly. With her tongue she enticed him to reveal his and in a few seconds they were passionately lost in each other.

She stopped, breathless.

"How about that? We can start with a kiss I don't regret."

He looked disheveled because her hands had been all over his hair but so desperately alluring that she wanted to throw caution to the wind and beg him to take her right then and there, on his bedroom door. Instead she took his hands and said:

"I love you Will. I'll work at giving you what you need, which is far less than you deserve. I hope that one day, you'll find me worthy of you again and then that kiss won't have to end."

His response was a murmur.

"I hope so too."