Author's Note: Thanks for sticking with this very slow-moving start. Glad to have you all along for the ride!
Jane had managed to sleep under the effects of alcohol on Friday night, but Saturday and Sunday she'd tossed and turned, anxious and unable to rest. Now that Monday was here, she was a jumble of dread and anticipation, hoping to get a few moments alone with Kurt before the work day began.
Seeing him smiling at Nas Kamal outside Reade's office gave her a sharp, unpleasant shock.
If she and Kurt had been on stable ground, she would have been happy to see Nas. They'd never been close, but she owed the NSA agent for initiating the deal that allowed her to earn her freedom, and though Kurt and Nas had been together at one point, Jane used to be secure enough in her marriage that it wouldn't have bothered her.
Today, though, she was already off-kilter, and Nas' presence didn't help. Instead of trying to approach Kurt, she veered off down the hallway and headed for Patterson's lab.
When the team all congregated to begin the debriefing, the atmosphere in the lab was so tense that Jane just wanted to leave. Reade looked decidedly unfriendly, Rich clueless yet curious, Patterson and Zapata concerned, and Nas uncomfortable.
Kurt stepped past Jane with a quiet, "Morning." For a moment, he looked as weary and heartsick as she felt, but then she sensed him closing off, and had to swallow the lump in her throat.
She somehow managed to return the greeting before Nas began to update them on the situation. A destructive virus had been stolen from the NSA, and it was critical that they found it quickly. As they watched a proof-of-concept video—a ship being blown up by the virus—Jane knew she should care, but she couldn't bring herself to feel anything, in case one emotion led to another and she fell apart again.
As the team began to separate to chase leads, Jane stepped towards Reade. "Could I, um, have a word with you?"
Reade nodded, seeming to thaw slightly when he saw how close she was to losing it. "Shoot."
"I'd like to sit this one out, if you guys can handle it without me. I thought I'd be okay, but I…I think I'd be a liability today."
Reade sighed, motioning for her to follow him into a less populated corner of the lab. "Look, Jane, I think what you did was damn stupid and selfish, but you're still my friend, and I care about you. So whatever you need, within reason, just say the word. We might need you later, but for now, you can head out. Maybe go see Avery or something."
Relieved, Jane exhaled hard. "Thank you. If you need me, just call."
She made it to the locker room without encountering anyone else, and leaned against her locker with a shaky breath. Come on. Just get out of the building without crying, and you can call today a success.
She grabbed her jacket and shut her locker door, then glanced up as someone else entered the locker room.
Kurt.
"You okay?" he asked, his body language and expression guarded. She still sensed his concern, and it only made her feel more fragile.
"Yeah. I, uh…" She didn't want to tell him she needed to get away from him. That just made everything about her pain again. "How about you?"
He shrugged. "Hanging in there. Where you going?"
Anywhere but here. "Back to the hotel, probably. Reade said it was okay."
Kurt nodded slowly. "I should get back to work."
As he turned to leave, she scrambled for some way to connect with him, to let him know she wasn't going to give up on their relationship just yet. "Kurt?"
He stopped, but didn't turn around.
"I don't accept that it's over. I can't."
He lowered his head a little, tension radiating from him, but he didn't speak.
"You have every right to be angry, but…can we talk when this case is done? Please?"
Kurt hesitated for a long moment, then reached for the door handle. "There's nothing more to say, Jane."
"Wait," she pleaded. "I can't take back the cheating, but I can work on not taking you for granted. I am so sorry for everything, and I do want to work on it. But I can't, if you won't let me try. Please, just give me a chance."
Kurt paused for one moment more, then opened the locker room door. "I wanted to try to make things up to you. It didn't make any difference. You left me anyway."
Before she could reply, he walked away, leaving the door to slowly swing shut behind him.
Kurt wasn't sure how he got through the case. Rich was more irritating than usual, the whole team atmosphere was off, and Nas was too single-mindedly focused on her goal to really engage with the emotional undercurrents around her.
It wasn't until the threat was neutralised that she turned to Kurt and said, "So, trouble in paradise?"
"More like 'paradise lost'."
Nas' perfectly tapered eyebrows rose. "It's over?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Nas." The pain on Jane's face, and the ache in his chest, were too acute for him to cheapen by talking about the situation with his ex.
"Fair enough." She shrugged. "Just don't let yourself stand in the way of your own happiness, all right? I'd say the same to Jane, if she were here."
Kurt nodded, only half-listening.
"The past is in the past. Focus on the future, and what you want to get from it." She put a light hand on his shoulder before stepping back. "Goodbye, Kurt."
He watched her go, sighing. Easy for her to say. She doesn't even know the circumstances.
Longing to go home and curl up on the couch with his wife, to de-stress and forget about the case, he felt another sharp pang of yearning for Jane. The worst part was that the only thing stopping him from seeing her was his own decision to keep his distance.
Being around her today had been difficult—even more so when she'd begged to be allowed to fix their broken relationship. She'd looked on the verge of tears, desperate to prove herself to him, and he'd almost been swayed. Until he'd remembered that just a week earlier, it had been him pleading for her forgiveness, and she'd still left her wedding ring behind and walked out.
If he took her back now, nothing would change. She'd probably be extra attentive for a while, but then she'd get comfortable again, and fall back into their old ways. Maybe she'd never cheat again, but she'd still take him for granted.
Even as he knew he was making the right decision by refusing her, his heart was in shreds, and guilt had taken up what seemed like permanent residence in his stomach. He didn't remember ever having been at such odds with himself before.
When he returned home, it was just past dawn. The dark web partyand the ensuing chaos control had taken all night, and Kurt was more than ready to go to bed. It had been so long since he'd had a decent night's rest, he thought he was just about exhausted enough to sleep until the evening.
Reaching the bedroom, he noticed an envelope on the end of the bed, and picked it up, trepidation taking root in his mind. What if Jane had decided to run again? Sure, she had a daughter here now, but from what Kurt had seen, Avery was still very distrustful of her birth mother. Maybe Jane had decided both he and Avery would be happier without her. Maybe—
He opened the envelope, stopping his imagination in its tracks. Thinking up worst-case scenarios was useless when the answer probably lay within reach.
Jane's plain but neat handwriting made his heart wrench, before he registered the words she'd written.
Kurt,
Just came by to pick up some more clothes. I know you don't want to talk right now, so I'll keep this short.
I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. Maybe a better person would just let you go, to find happiness somewhere else, but I'm not giving up on us, not unless you tell me there's no hope.
I love you, and I miss you.
Jane
Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the lump that had risen in his throat, Kurt stared down at the letter, feeling more optimistic than he had in weeks.
Jane's note didn't change how much she'd hurt him, or how much he'd hurt her. It didn't erase her infidelity or his deception, didn't change the balance of their relationship. They still had so much work to do, on both sides. He wasn't about to call her and tell her to come home right then.
But for the first time since Jane had learned about Avery's existence, Kurt had real, shining hope that they'd eventually get through this dark time in their lives. That they'd come out the other side united, their love stronger than it ever had been before.
Maybe he was fooling himself, but he had to believe in their future together. She was determined to try to fix things, and despite how much salt her betrayal had ground into his wounds, he wanted her to make the attempt.
There was a second page tucked behind the first, and Kurt turned his attention to it, his lips curving in a sad smile.
It was a sketch of their wedding rings—hers delicate, thin and studded with tiny diamonds, and his thicker, darker and plainer, but no less symbolic. Kurt glanced from the sketch to his left hand, where his ring usually sat. His hand had felt strange ever since he'd taken it off.
On a hunch, he went to Jane's jewellery box and opened it. As he'd expected, her wedding ring was gone, and he was certain that next time he saw her, it would be back on her finger, where it belonged.
If only fixing a marriage was as simple as putting rings back on fingers, relying on love to get them through. Their marriage would need much, much more.
But this was a starting point.
