The bold, italic parts are taken from the Lockdown episode – it took a lot of effort to scribe them!


'I meant every word I said.'

'It may have escaped your attention, but I'm getting married.'

Jac blinked a couple of times, trying to get the sound of her and Joseph's voices out of her mind. Today was the day she would lose Joseph forever; there was no going back once he was at the altar with her. Checking the time on her watch, she dropped a patient file onto the counter and grabbed another one before striding off to the patient's bed. It was going to be a day where she had to keep herself busy, immersed in work, or nothing would stop the torrent of thoughts that were assaulting her mind.

The registrar only managed to start administering treatment to three patients before she was interrupted by a phone call from Mr Griffin – the day suddenly became a lot worse with the news she had to babysit the new intake of F1s. With this added problem, she quickly opened fire on them, automatically letting her bitchy side repress any burning questions they may have had, and it seemed to do the job. She set them their first task of prioritising patients before she went to lean on the desk, vaguely looking in the direction of the board. Almost instantly the voices returned, blending into her mind with more force than before, the thoughts whirling around them too.

Following Faye to the care home had been a result of her instinct to protect him, to stop him getting more hurt than he already was; there was no need to double-guess her motives, or try to decipher her real reasons. It was almost a direct parallel to when they were locked in the operating theatre together, when he had aptly said 'Maybe it's instinctive to protect people that you care about, whether consciously or unconsciously'.

That evening had brought about many home truths for Jac, and she had examined everything that had passed between her and Joseph many a time since that day.

You said about protecting people you care about.

Not now.

I'm just asking. God, I can't even frame the words I'm so tangled up.

Do I care about you. Do you really need to ask that?

Jac always needed to ask that, she needed the reassurance that she was not surplus to anything, not being stringed along; it was especially needed when it came to Joseph. However much of a hard front she put up, there was always the scared child in her that did not want to be abandoned again; unfortunately her fear generally went on overdrive and pushed people away, as it did with Joseph.

The part of the conversation that had really gotten to Jac though was when they were talking about seeing Madame Butterfly. She had endured the horror that was known as opera because Joseph had arranged for them to go and she wanted to make a good impression. Even that early on, she knew there was something about him...

Well uncharacteristically, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. We hadn't been together for very long. Your hands were shaking. You don't remember, do you?

I remember.

Men never remember detail, just the carnal event, and even then the memory of that is twisted by their gigantic egos.

I remember.

Go on then.

You had your hair up, never seen it like that before or since, you wore a dark green velvet dress with a shawl, silver shell necklace, and a beautiful broad smile. Couldn't stop smiling. You looked like someone else. No. Actually you looked like you, like you should look. Stays in my mind you know, just locked away.

To know that he still thought of her, remembered her in that much detail, just made her break down. She could not help it, she was falling for him all over again with hope they were not too ruined by everything.

Joseph knew her so well, it was unnerving. He managed to dig right down to her basics and bring them out of her. She knew that he had given her everything she could have ever wanted, and more, yet she was so blind-sighted that she took it for granted, and moved onto higher prospects. That was her mistake. She disregarded her feelings, and instead went with her mantra of always looking forward and up, everything can get you where you want; at that time it was to the top of the CT profession.

No self-esteem – why you kick out at anyone who cares for you. But you want family, a future, want to belong. I gave you all of that, and what did you do with it, hm?

It's complicated. Used to be very complicated but it's simple now, for me anyway. I will never feel for anyone else what I feel for you. [PAUSE] I'd like to be happy for you and Faye, but I'm not. I can't pretend to be. You know how I feel about us, you always have done.

Right.

And if you're honest, you'll admit you feel the same way. I'm right, aren't I?

She could feel her defence shield creeping back up around her, making her forward and bolshie as normal; she could not help it, it came and went as it decided. She ached without him, knowing he was so close yet she could not, dared not, touch him. Not even in recognition of what they had once had. She needed to know once and for all if there was anything, even the tiniest of glimmers that related to her.

[PAUSE]You've got a choice.

No.

Yes. I'm giving you a choice; Faye wants you back and so do I. So–

This isn't anything to do with Faye–

You love her.

... Yeah.

No.

Yes. A diff– not the same, kind of love, but er -

Love is love. It's duty. Duty and guilt is what drives this because you slept with me.

Which you engineered.

You wanted me as much as I wanted you. [PAUSE] Don't you ever think about it?

All the time [PAUSE] But there's a massive difference between what is real here and now and what could have been.

Can be.

We had our time.

It'll be different, I'm different.

I want this as much as you, I want to put the clocks back as much as you do, but I can't [PAUSE] Too much has happened. You've hurt me too often. I've tried, okay? But I can't.

Jac straightened up sharply, and walked towards the locker rooms. From there, she grabbed her motorbike suit, helmet and keys, and told one of the nurses to tell Mark that the HOs were in his care as of NOW. She took the stairs two at a time, not wanting to wait for the lift. Dressed in her leathers, she put the ignition on, and revved the engine. The visor on her helmet was snapped down, and she raced off. Joseph was not just a ghost in her past, she could no more survive without oxygen than she could forget him; he was the best thing that had happened to her, the best person she knew, and she was not about to give up on him that easily – it was not in her nature.


I just want to thank Cassidy TV Nut for helping me so much with this fic – the lengthy idea for it, and the generalness when I've gone 'Help!' to her! Without her, this wouldn't exist, so I can only hope that I'm doing it, and her, justice. Reviews are a good way to show what you think – she reads them too, so let us know what you think! And don't say that there aren't many of you reading it, I see the number of readers I've had since it's been posted. 43 visitors and only 2 separate people reviewed... =/

Woody2792x