Bada Bing Bada Boom!
A/N: Oh my, today I'm on a good mood, there's a new Half Blood Prince trailer with a scene in which Hermione is crying after the Ron/Lavender kiss and, oh well, this is a Twilight fic! Anyway, chapter 3 is finally here, sorry if I took a little longer, writer's block! The good thing is I might upload a new chapter to all my fics during the weekend and I just finished "My Beloved Monster" so, please, check it out. Now, please, read and review. In this chapter the wolves discuss Paul's temper, imprinting and porn. Oh, well, let's hope for the best. Poor Paul.
Thanks to everyone who's reading, alright? I couldn't do without you.
Those who review get a miniature Billy Black that says "Edward Cullen is trying to get into your pants! Protect your virtue!" if you push his little miniature cowboy hat.
P.S.: And I hope you all get the pop culture jokes in this chapter!
Chapter 3: Saturday, wait
My Red Sox shirt was shredded into thirty two pieces of cotton, my jeans were stronger; only twelve. I can't say the same about my kitchen table, though: one hundred and eight pieces of wood that weren't able to resist my rage. How do I know so precisely, you wonder? Well, I counted. I also counted the tiles on my kitchen (four hundred fifty nine and a half, by the way), the cracks on my living room wall (only seven what's pretty great since I don't really pay insurance) and the wrinkles in Oprah Winfrey's face, but this one I'm not telling because a) I had to use my wolf vision for this one and I'm still not sure I got it right and b) I'm afraid I might be sued if I publish it. But the counting thing only kept me occupied for like one hour and it was mostly because it's really hard to see Oprah under all that makeup. I also cleaned my house, cooked – and by cook I mean defrost – dinner and rewrote the lyrics to "Working Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton.
It's been over twelve hours since I called Sam and he told me that everything would be alright and that he'd talk to Jake about the whole thing. Here's a little sum up of how our conversation went:
"So, Sam, good news or bad news first?" On the other side of the line, Sam sighed heavily.
"Why is it that whenever you say this, I get the feeling that there are never any good news to wait for?"
"Well, that's pure nonsense! I'm absolutely capable of being the carrier of good news!" Honestly, the man knew me since I was a toddler, how could he not see the potential in me?
"Paul, the last time you called saying that, the bad news were Leah becoming a shape-shifter too, while the good news were "And I totally got to see her naked, dude!"" He said on a bad hip-hop alike impersonation of me. Ok, maybe he was partially right. But I did saw her! He just didn't see how great it was because he had seen it like a million times before.
"But this time is different, alright? I do have good news! Look, I imprinted!" Sam went quiet for almost a minute. "Sam? Are you there? Did you hear me?"
"What did you do to her?" His voice was dead serious when he spoke again.
"What did I do to her? What kind of question is that?" I said feeling the blood go straight to my head. "You know I'm shy! I was thinking of maybe buying flowers first…" I giggled.
"No, you moron!" Sam answered angrily. He was controlled with everyone else on the pack but apparently his best friend didn't deserve the same treatment. "I want to know the bad news! What happened when you lost control after you imprinted? What happened when you phased?" He sounded so concerned and worried that I felt angry all of a sudden.
"Phased? I didn't phase! I didn't lose control, I'd never attack her!" The hypocrite! I wasn't the one who turned my girlfriend into Erik, the Phantom! After that he sounded more relieved, though still apprehensive:
"Then, what? What's the problem?"
"The problem is the person I imprinted on…" I started back to my nervous stage from before, forgetting all anger:
"Toddler?"
"No."
"Committed?"
"Not that I know."
"Elder?"
"Ew, no. Is that possible?"
"We have a woman shape-shifter, Paul, everything is possible nowadays. If your imprinting isn't any of these, though, then what's the problem?" It was my turn to be silent now. "Oh no, is it that girl from the band? The one with red hair?"
"No, and unfortunately, my imprint is not a redhead." I used to have a thing for red hair. It had been quite humiliating when the pack found out I had a crush on Bonnie Wright that sweet jail bait from the Harry Potter movies.
"Poor you, are you sure you imprinted, though? You weren't supposed to be complaining about hair if you really had…"
"Of course I imprinted! Who cares if she's not freaking Lindsay Lohan? She's way prettier! And a better singer too, probably! She's the most beautiful of all imprints! Mine is better than yours, tell Emily it's all over between the two of us!"
"I bet she'll be crushed." He said emotionless. "Paul, really, who's she? Is she someone I know?"
"…"
"Is she someone we both know?"
"…"
"I don't have all day, Paul. Could you cut it out?"
"It's RACHEL!" I burst. "Jacob's is gonna strangle me, than Billy is gonna run over me with his wheelchair, than Rachel herself will burn the little pieces! And if this isn't enough to get me dead than I'll kill myself with a silver bullet or whatever it takes to take a shape shifter down because…Yes! I know a silver bullet wouldn't kill me!" I interrupted him before he could speak. "Because I imprinted on Rachel "Nightmare on Elm Street" Black!"
There was a long silence on both sides of the line. Then Sam collapsed with laughter.
"Oh my God! You're the worst Alpha ever!" I yelled at him, obviously offended. That wasn't giggling or chuckling, no that was a struggling for air kind of laughter. And Sam didn't even use to laugh!
"I'm sorry, Paul! It's just that…Oh, lord, you're such a loser!" he resumed in his mirth.
"Thank you for all the help, all mighty Alpha." I said, prepared for hanging up.
"Sorry, Paul, wait." He said, trying to regain his composure but failing "Look, man, I'll talk to the pack tonight and I'll give you some updates as soon as possible. Meanwhile…" He was serious again. "Stay at your place, don't try to see Rachel, don't get mad, don't phase; keep yourself occupied. And if Jake shows up…" silence again "Hide, man. Run and hide. Run like Leah, hide like Bin Laden. It's your only chance."
"I can beat Jacob!" There was no answer from Sam whatsoever. "Alright, I'll hide." I promised.
"Good boy, I'll talk to you later. I'm heading to the Black's now."
"Hey!" I started bubbly.
"Do you really want me to tell her you sent hello, right there in front of Jake?"
"Bye, Sam."
"Bye, Paul." And then he hung up, leaving me here waiting for my destiny. I took a shower, read a book, took a few looks at the engines of my car and counted everything countable within reach. I also tried to watch porn but that didn't turn out quite as I had planned. Apparently, "Hot and Horny MILF Vixens XVIII" does not have the same effects on me since I can't notice their faces – or any other parts of their bodies for that matter – anymore. Damn that Rachel Black! She ruined porn for me. And it wasn't even for the first time either.
When I was about twelve, she called my parents claiming to have found me watching forbidden movies while she was at our place taking care of me. And aside from being a psychopath, Rachel is also a perfectionist, so not only she made an account on my name at the video store as she also rented a copy of "With Legs Wide Open IV – Partying with Stallions" – and, just so you know, by stallions, they meant real horses - And took it to my poor mommy and daddy, saying that that was the one she caught me taking a peek.
It would have been better if they had just grounded me, but no, not my parents – they were too proud of being modern. They decided it was about time I discovered my sexuality, so they rented other movies – this time human on human action – and we watched them all together while they clarified any doubt that I might had, pausing every now and then, to warn me that whatever the porn stars were doing was a sign of love, a beautiful thing of nature and all sort of euphemisms they could come across.
Yes, this is my soul mate. According to the universe, my evil babysitter is the one and only for me. The same woman who once published at my High School yearbook that I was suffering from a rare case of gonorrhea that only attacked virgins who touched themselves frequently is also the one I'm supposed to share the rest of my life with.
Ain't it just perfect?
--
I woke up with the phone ringing again. Outside the sun wasn't properly shining yet, it was probably something around half past five:
"Paul?" Sam's calm tone said.
"Yes?" It was all I could manage in my sleepy stage.
"We're going to your place." This sentence woke me up.
"What? My place? How, when, where?" And more importantly: "Who?"
"Me and the pack, of course, we are already on our way. All of us, including Jake." I gulped. "Relax, it's going to be just fine."
"I know, I'm ok. Just make sure you bring Seth."
"Seth? Do you think he can calm Jacob down?" I snorted:
"Of course not, I'm using the kid as a human shield! Everybody loves little Seth, they won't attack me if I have him." Sam made a weird noise with his mouth before hanging up. I think it was supposed to mean something like "La Push is so proud to have such a brave person like you on its defense line." But I didn't care; he wasn't the one who had imprinted on Jake's sister. Although he did imprint on Leah's cousin while dating Leah what could really had gone terribly wrong had she been already a wolf back at the time.
Less than twenty minutes later, my brothers – and the girly wolf that hangs with us – arrived. They were in their human forms; I knew it when I heard the pace of only eighteen legs. It was a good sign; it meant that they were all calm enough to keep themselves together. Besides, Seth looked particularly fragile and cute today and that was great for me. Sam was the first to enter:
"Ok, guys, help yourselves. Paulie has food." What? Is he really offering my food to a bunch of teenage werewolves who had just got back from duty? I glared at Sam. They were all already emptying my cupboards and fridge.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
"Feeding my brothers." I opened my mouth to protest. "With the food you bought with my money."
"Oh, well." That cheap bastard, did he really have to notice every single dollar bill that disappeared from his house?
One by one, all my brothers – and the girly wolf – were taking different places at my living room. Jared grabbed the empty box that was on my DVD player and sighed:
"Oh, "Hot and Horny MILF Vixens XVIII"…" He was looking at the cover with a mix of nostalgia and awe. "This one used to be good." From my kitchen, I heard the noise of a pack of Doritos being destroyed by Jacob's bare hands and I glared at Jared. He chuckled then his eyes fell on the box again. "I miss porn." Quill rolled his eyes:
"Dude, you have a living girlfriend!"
"I know!" Jared answered a bit offended by the thought of choosing porn over Kim. "But pornography is a form of art too, and it's bad that I can't appreciate it anymore."
"You can actually have sex! My imprint is so young; she still has memories of how it feels to be a zygote!" Everyone – including Jacob who had kept his glare on me the whole time – turned around to face Quil in shock. The fact that he was complaining about Claire's age was just as possible as Sam wearing pigtails and a tight skirt while proposing to a vampire. "Oh, suck it up, it's not like that!" He said grumpily noticing the meaning in our eyes. "I'm just saying that Jared doesn't get to complain when it comes to imprinting. He imprinted on his lovey-dovey stalker who's exactly his age and was already head over heels for him!"
"Quil is on a foul mood today because Sam lent his favorite shirt." Collin gossiped close to my ear.
"He's being silly." Sam said on my other side. "He still has the one with the Grinch on it." Quil turned around offended:
"And how do you expect me to wear that on the middle of June, uh? You know that one is for Christmas Holidays only!" Jared was still uneasy about Quil's previous comment:
"I don't think you're being fair, Quil. I'm not the only one who got things easily, Sam, for instance, is pretty happy with…" He started looking at the point right next to me where Sam sat. On the other corner of the room, Seth smacked his head at Jar's stupidity. I noticed Leah leaning on the kitchen counter, a kitchen scissor on her trembling hand. Sam stood up abruptly, avoiding that Jared went further on the subject – and probably saving his life.
"That's enough! We're not here to discuss porn nor Quil's wardrobe! We should all go straight to the point."
"Seriously? And why are you here?" I said moodily. Embry was the one to answer:
"Eight of us are here to laugh at you and the other one is here to kill you."
"Correction," Leah said crossing her arms glamorously. "Seven are here to laugh, one is here to kill you and I'm here for both." I looked at Sam, searching for answers. He looked as tired as one of those British nannies on that Discovery Channel reality show.
"No one is here to laugh at you, Paul." He said ignoring the voices that booed him and said "I am!" "But we are worried about the conditions of you imprinting."
"Conditions?" I asked and suddenly everyone else sat down while Jacob stood up and made his way in my direction, his hands made into fists.
"My sister? You had to go and imprint on my sister? Don't you think I already have enough to worry about already without that?" My shock was so great that, at first, I didn't react. But then, I felt my usual anger boiling under my skin:
"You have enough to worry about, Jacob? A spoiled child like you who does nothing but compromise with our duties and put our mission on Earth in second place? Oh, spare me! Getting all worked up just because corpse bride dumped you, I'm the one who has to deal with your immaturity all the freaking time because you're not even established enough to suck it up! Well, I have news for you; I don't give a crap about your teenage dramas, kid! Stop being so self-centered and grow up! You wanna bring it, bring it on!" I raised my fists, prepared to fight. "C'mon, try a lucky shot." Jacob's body shivered from head to toes as everyone else watched us attentively, in silence:
"Yeah, but you don't seem to have the same opinion about my sister, right? How exactly do you think I'd ever let you be anywhere around her? You're tetchy and unable to spend a whole day without exploding, you're so pathetic you shouldn't even consider being near her, Paul. What if you hurt her? What if she's the next Emily? Would you be able to bear? Would you be with her? Protect yourself from the pain; give up. Give up on her while you still can. You know you don't deserve her." He whispered the last part, like he had some evil pleasure in doing this "What if you hurt her?"
This time, the anger was palpable and the pain was physical. My body shivered, everything on me was being taken over by rage and guilt. He wasn't wrong. But he wasn't right either:
"Oh, well, then I'm sorry, Jacob! Because, whatever I am, your sister is too, somehow! Because we are freaking soul mates and she'll soon learn to love and want everything about me! Get over it!" For a second I thought I was about to phase, but in the next, there I was, screaming my guts out. Saying things I never knew I had on me. "And you know what? I love Rachel!" I swallowed on the weight of my own words " I love her even though she used to try to drown me and I don't even care if she ever stole my bike or if she used to dress me in G-strings! I don't care because I freaking love her, can't live without her and all that gravity crap we are always seeing in Sam's mind when he thinks we're not paying attention! And if you really think that's such a big problem, then kill your sister because killing me won't do any good! I promise you it won't stop me! I'm staying bound to this earth as long as she lives and if I die before, I'll go all Patrick Swayze on her!" Everything went quiet except for my shallow breathing. Jake stared at me in shock; Sam stood up and patted him on the shoulder:
"C'mon, Jake, I'm sorry, man, but you had your test. You were a victim of your own theory. Paul passed."
"Test?" I asked not understanding anything happening around me.
"You know what Billy and Jacob believe to be the reason we imprint, don't you, Paul? For them, imprinting makes us stronger wolves. They seem to be right, at least when it comes to you. Their rule was applied perfectly here: Jacob said he wouldn't allow you to be near his sister, that you would hurt her with your mood swings, that she'd be…" he took a deep breath "the "New Emily". So, he tried to prove his anger was not only based on jealousy or overprotection by making you go through a test. And, well, here you are, imprinting made you capable of winning your biggest obstacle. All this argument and, yet, you remain human." Everyone looked at me, still in silence; Jacob's expression was a blank wall. "Congratulations, Paulie, you just got yourself a date with Rachel Black."
I couldn't believe, still I could not deny the fact that I hadn't phased. Was it possible that imprinting was the only piece missing the whole time? All I needed was true love? A reason not to lose my temper? All of a sudden I was this totally new, super self-controlled person? Oh, great. Rachel Black couldn't just take porn away from me –no, no- she had to make me all girlish and soft too. Yuck. Damn that woman!
--
A/N:So, I'm really not very fond of this chapter, it was so hard to come up with it that I had kittens! Anyway, the next chapter is "Sunday always comes too late" and we finally have Paul and Rachel on a date together - what would possibly be great if it wasn't for the fact that the date is actually a dinner at the Black's house while Billy and Jacob are actually there.
Will Paul and Jake survive through the whole thing without stabbing each other? I don't think so. But we can always count on it, right?
P.S.: For those who are sweet and innocent and don't know the meaning of MILF, here it is: Mothers I'd like to F**ck.
