A/N: Sorry about the delay but Pinko got arrested AGAIN, and I've had a few problems with the dreaded…Writers Block 'GASP' ow I shouldn't have written that I'M DOOMED!
Chapter 3: Papa Smurf Can I Lick Your Ass!
(If you're wondering, it's a rap song…a very disturbing rap song)
Harry and Ron walked miserably down the hallway to the Gryffindor common room. Well actually Harry was miserable, Ron was quite happy he had decided to call his belly button Steve so all in all it was a very productive day for him.
When they finally got there (usually the trip would have taken 5 minutes but Ron wanted to play hide and seek and got very annoyed when Harry wanted to hide in the same place as him)…Hermione had a face like thunder.
'Wow, wow why do you look so angry I haven't planned a storyline where you're pissed at someone'
"I'm angry at YOU" Hermione replied to…well me.
'Why…'
"You haven't given me ANY lines yet, I wouldn't have minded if you would set me up with somebody…HINT HINT" she said to the annoyed author.
'Author, pah'
'Sod off Pinko don't you have community service with those elderly people?'
'They kicked me out; apparently it's against the rules to set the fire alarm off and race the grannies'
"Um, hello I'm still here" Hermione moaned.
'Ow…damn, well who do you wanna be set up with?'
"Dra–" She started
'NO, I may follow the fanfic stereotype of making McGonagall a drunk and Dumbledore a blithering fool but I will not pair you up with Draco Malfoy!'
"Ow…well what about a certain sexy potions master" She said twitching her eyebrows.
'I don't feel comfortable pairing you with Snape I still haven't clarified how old you are yet'
"You could" She said desperately hoping she is a sensual 17 year old with huge tits and perfect skin.
'Hmmmmm, nope'wicked smile
"Well what about Remus?, he's a lot younger then Snape…well the actors are at least" She said her eyes lighting up.
'Um…no, Remus has…gone missing' (very shifty eye movement) as screams can be heard in the background sounding something like 'For the love of god untie me, it's Remus you won't believe the depraved sexual acts she is performing on me…again this is REMUS' but it was so muffled we will never know…heehee.'
'Ow I know what about Neville?'
"WHA–" She exclaimed her jaw hitting the ground.
'Yep that's settled your boyfriend is Neville, now give him a kiss'
Suddenly Hermione leapt into Neville's arms and kissed him hard.
"NO, NO MAKE IT STOP" She screamed. However because her mouth was open Neville seized the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth…Ew Frenchy!
"Their doing naughty things" Ron gasped while covering his eyes.
"…Anyway" Harry stated trying to keep his eyes off of the sickening yet slightly arousing situation.
"Come on Ron I need to get some Quidditch practise in, that Draco Malfoy has been sticking it to me hard recently"
'PINKO, stop writing sexual in-your-end-o's this is my story. Mine, now go sit in the corner'
'…Mother'
Harry and Ron walked down to the Quidditch field when all of a sudden.
Queue random Voldemort appearance number two:
"Mwahahaha, yes once again within the space of a few short minutes I have randomly appeared so I can slay you" Voldemort cackled.
"That's a nice cape" Ron chimed staring at the billowing cape, granted there was no wind and it was being held up by strings it still looked very…nice.
"Ow thank you its real Italian silk; I was worried that the colour wouldn't suit my complexion but the gang just died when I showed it to them" He giggled. Harry stared at Voldemort for a moment trying to work out what had happened to Voldemort since their last encounter…it must have been that stint on 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' that finally broke him.
"Er, anyway prepare to die Harry Potter" Voldemort lunged at Harry again and for the second time he was rudely interrupted, this time by Lucius Malfoy.
"Sir, I can see you're awfully busy trying to mutilate Harry but what do you think of…Death Stalkers?" Lucius asked hopefully.
Voldemort straightened himself (once again), pinched the bridge of his nose and stared at Lucius. "What?" was all he could utter.
"The gang had a vote on the new name and it's a tie between Death Stalkers and The Blood Tasters, and well the blood tasters makes us sound like a bunch of vampires which is just…icky. I mean have you seen their fashion sense? And don't get me started on the whole anti-sun thing I mean have they ever heard of a sun bed AND–" Before Lucius could continue his frantic rambling Voldemort wrapped the strings that where holding his cape up around his neck and began to pull until Lucius' eyes bulged.
"This isn't over" Voldemort said weakly to Harry as he dragged Lucius' slightly purple body over the grass and vanished from sight.
Harry and Ron walked over the playing field completely oblivious to the fact that they had seen Voldemort twice already and Harry hadn't made one of his classic: 'You-killed-my-parents-making-me-an-orphan-and-incredibly-famous-you-bastard' speeches topped off with a false tear, chicks are suckers for the false tear!
Harry instead mounted his latest broom the Fast-As-Fuck 5000 accompanied by Ron. He pushed against the ground and they both shot into the air, they flew majestically across the sky until Harry started to feel a tugging sensation.
'Get your minds out of the gutter…not that kind of 'tugging' sensation'
Harry looked around to see that Ron was busily pulling out the bristles from the end of the broom while singing to himself "She loves me, she loves me not…".
"Ron, no…STOP" Harry screamed as they started to fall straight towards the ground.
"But that means she doesn't love me" Ron protested. From the ground it looked like Harry was performing the illustrious Wonski Faint…or whatever the hell it's called. However from the air it was much more apparent that Harry was…completely fucked!
The ground was getting closer and closer, however a new and improved problem had grasped Harry's attention. Ron being the heavier of the two, and what with him leaning against Harry's back, they were slipping off the end of the broom!
Within a few seconds Harry realised that they were no longer on the broom, and that in fact they were plummeting head first to the ground with at least 20 feet to go.
18 feet
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15 feet
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9 feet
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.
.
4 feet
…THUD…
Harry felt the full impact of the fall, and when I say full impact I mean FULL IMPACT.
'Really because when you said full impact I thought you meant empty distance'
'…--…I hate you'
Ron being incredibly graceful at the most inappropriate moment had somehow steered Harry mid-fall underneath him and was at the moment lying on top of the poor boy. Just before Harry blacked out he was sure he heard Ron say with much excitement:
"Hay Harry its alright she loves me"
Chapter 4: Exercise Everyday…Die Healthier!
A/N: Kay so that chapter wasn't great, but what about Hermione and Neville (in the distance Hermione's panic stricken screams can be heard)…ahem sorry about that Pinko just told her what's happening in the next chapter. And talking about the next chapter I find that reviews help my creative juices to flow…Ew…hint hint nudge wink ok you get my point!
