A/N: HELLO FRIENDS! it is your friendly neighbourhood becca here with another chapter for you! Thanks to all of you for your very nice and encouraging reviews, you're all so cute and friendly and awesome. special thanks to CheapNovelty and Aeterna013 because 1. I secretly adore Chris with all of my heart and 2. aeterna013's review made us squeal like twelve year old girls. ANYWAY i wont keep you guys waiting any longer here is chapter three i hope you enjoy it. remember, ten reviews and we update every Sunday!
Rating: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.
Disclaimer: We don't own Degrassi or the song Sight Of The Sun by FUN.
Summary: As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.
"You knew you had a reason, it killed you like diseases, and I can hear it in your voice while your speaking...you can't be treated. Mr. Know-It-All had his reign and his fall; at least that is what his brain is telling all." Wires | The Neighbourhood
"Are you still up from last night?" Adam asked groggily as he sat up in his bed, his brown hair standing up in all sorts of different directions.
Eli wasn't sure whether to lie to his cousin or not, he could say that he hadn't gotten a proper rest in months, or that every time he closed his eyes he saw something horrible, but that didn't really seem like pleasant morning conversation.
"No, I just got up."
Adam didn't seem convinced, but he also didn't seem coherent, so he decided to let his cousin's odd behavior slide as he crawled out of bed.
Adam scurried into the bathroom, and Eli took this time to change his clothes. He slid the long-sleeve tee-shirt over his head, quickly glancing down at the scars that seemed to cover his body. He could have stared for hours as he remembered how each and every one were created, torture himself with the vague memories of the way things used to be, but he was tired, so tired and he didn't have much time.
The bags under his eyes seemed much more prominent than usual, and he wasn't all that surprised considering last night had been completely exhausting.
Adam had made a point to make Eli feel welcome, and perhaps Eli could have appreciated it more if Adam knew what he was signing up for.
His cousin was a good guy, a good guy who wanted nothing but to make everyone happy and to be content while he's doing it.
Eli admired that.
But as his eyes burned holes in his bottles of pills, he knew he could never be that way.
He slept fifteen minutes that night, and even that could have been an overstatement.
"Ready?" Adam asked as he left the bathroom, already hurrying down the steps before Eli had a chance to answer.
Grabbing their bags, Adam and Drew said their goodbyes to Audra, racing out the door as if their lives depended on it.
"Is my mom awake?" Eli asked, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as his eyes searched around them for any sign of her.
"No, I think she's going to sleep in today." Audra answered quickly as she gathered her things for work.
Eli nodded slowly, though he was tempted to slip into her room and check on her. She was a woman of routine before her husband passed away. Eli had tried to keep her in her set patterns, but as time went on, she slept more and more and she only spoke when she absolutely had to.
This worried her son, and though he wasn't sure how to show it, he cared for his mother. She had once been an amazing, wise woman, full of advice and joy. He just wished she could get that back.
Heading outside, he met with Clare and Adam at the bus stop, who had already been laughing about something Eli had obviously missed.
"Hey, Eli." Clare said softly, and he responded with a muttered hello, still not quite sure how he felt about the pretty girl who read Palahniuk and never cursed.
She had a certain warmth about her that he wished he could appreciate, and perhaps if it had been another day, or if he had been another boy, he would have spoken up and asked her how she was, how she was doing in school or anything, but he could never quite seem to get out much more than a greeting.
They arrived at school and Eli already could feel his head throbbing when the first bell rang. He found his classes much easier, but with the numbing pain he felt, he had hardly paid any kind of attention.
Headaches were something he was very used to, especially since he'd stopped sleeping, and when they came around, the only way to get rid of them was by waiting them out. Not even an ibuprofen could cure this kind of pain.
Dragging himself from class to class, Eli was desperate for the sweet relief of sleep and he wondered if it would be easier to rest in class, though he never did try. He wondered if it was strange that he was looking forward to the lunch period with Adam and Clare. The night before Adam had said that the three of them would be… friends, now. Of course Eli was slightly skeptical about this, considering the friends he usually made were short-term and would run away at the first sight of difference. But Adam and the okay girl were different, or at least appeared to be.
When it was time for lunch and Eli had returned to the same spot as yesterday, he attempted to sit off the side, hoping that when Adam and Clare arrived, he wouldn't be scrunched up in the middle again. But when they showed up, Adam rolled his eyes.
"Dude, we can't sit against the wall every day. We have a table and I'd really like to not lose it." Adam held out a hand to his cousin, pulling him up so that now all three of them were standing. Clare mouthed hello to him, and Eli nodded in response. He wasn't very good with hellos.
They all sat down at the table Adam had tried to direct Eli to yesterday. It really wasn't that hard to find, and now with Eli looking at it, he felt a little bit dumb.
Eli watched in silence as Clare opened up a metallic lunch box with the cast of The Breakfast Club on the front of it. For a girl that didn't like swearing, it surprised her she would own that. She carefully unwrapped a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from a napkin and to drape over her lap, protecting the pretty dark blue dress that she had been wearing. She didn't catch him staring, thank God, but he was still upset with himself for catching even a sideways glance at her.
"Don't you have anything to eat?" Clare asked. Eli glanced up from the water bottle sitting lonely-like on the space in front of him. While Adam had his tray full of food, and Clare had her lunchbox, Eli had zilch.
"Oh. No. I'm not hungry." Eli answered. Honestly, all he had eaten the night before had probably stuffed him up until the next century. Clare didn't ask any further questions. In fact, she hardly seemed interested in the subject anymore. Not in a rude way, in an Eli is so standoffish and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, I want to be his friend kind of way.
"I don't think I can come over after school," Clare started, "Madame Jean-Aux gave the slightest hint of a quiz tomorrow and if I don't get higher than a B then we can kiss movie night's goodbye."
Adam groaned. "Fuck French, why are you even taking it?"
"Because I want to get into Columbia after high school, Adam." Clare said. She finally picked up her sandwich to take a bite. He watched how polite she was about it, too. How after she took a bite she would dab the corners of her mouth with her napkin. She didn't even seem pretentious doing it, either. Not like she thought she was better than anyone else, just like, like she was brought up to be polite and dainty. He stared at her like she was a China doll.
"Eli, you're in French 4, aren't you?" Adam turned towards his cousin, who took his eyes off of Clare to nod in recognition. "What's your grade?"
Eli raised his eyebrows. "Well, disregarding the fact I've only been here a day, ninety-four…ninety-five?"
"So an A." Adam added up. Eli shrugged. "Cool, so you can tutor Clare so she doesn't flunk French."
Both Eli and Clare stared at him in confusion. It took Clare a few seconds to finish chewing and swallowing in the politest of fashions to say anything to Adam.
"Adam, you can't just suggest Eli to tutor me in a subject… he has to offer." Clare scolded. You could see the embarrassment written all over her cheeks in a pink sort of blush. She didn't dare look at Eli who was also turning red.
"I'm sure Eli wouldn't mind. I mean, it's not like he has anything else to do." Adam teased. "Come on, Eli, what do you say, tutor Clare so I don't go totally crazy?"
"You wouldn't go crazy," Clare rolled her eyes. "It's only until the end of the school year."
"Yeah, that's in two months! I would go completely nuts!"
Eli thought about making some sort of comment about how the two were clearly inseparable and probably soul-mates at heart, but he kept his mouth shut. It wasn't his place to say that. He wasn't close enough to the two of them yet. So instead, he sat back to watch their small debate go back and forth. But finally, he spoke up.
"I'll tutor you, Clare." Eli said quietly. But not quietly enough. Both mouths silenced and both eyes turned to stare at him. Clare was honestly a little surprised Eli had spoken up about it in the first place, but didn't mention it. "I mean… Adam's right. I don't have anything better to do."
He took a sip of his water, trying to keep his eyes low to avoid the light, and in doing so he'd completely missed that the two were still left looking at him. Tutoring wasn't something Eli would be good at, he knew this for sure. He could hardly have a conversation with his own mother, let alone teach another language to a practical stranger.
"You really don't have to do that, Eli." She squeaked, her words rushed and fumbled together.
"I know." He responded, but his tone wasn't cold, it was factual, and he even went so far as to look up at her as he said it.
Adam let out a soft chuckle, somewhat amazed with the way Eli was talking. He didn't say much, but that didn't matter. He was responding, not just nodding, but saying things. Short things, but they were things nonetheless.
"So, movie night…" Adam began, already filling the silence that had only surrounded the three for a moment or two.
"What's on the list?" Clare asked, and Eli assumed that 'the list' she referred to was not a legitimate document.
"Well so far I've got a couple lined up," The younger boy started, and Eli found himself almost completely lost as he listed off at least a dozen films, and Eli hadn't even heard of nearly half of them. His cousin had always been keen on action movies, and he wondered for a moment if Clare usually sat through them during the weekly endeavor.
Perhaps they traded off to where some weeks they watched what he wanted, and the other would be up to her.
Not that any of that really mattered.
Eli held his head in his hands, his elbows hoisted up on the table as he fought the searing pain coursing through his head.
"Eli, you're going to love movie night. You know what happens on movie night?" Adam asked excitedly, practically bouncing in his seat.
"I'm going to branch off here and assume that you…watch movies."
Clare let out a loud laugh, quickly covering her mouth with her hand as she continued to giggle under her breath, and Adam slapped his cousin in the arm. "Just for that, I shouldn't even invite you!" He threatened jokingly, and Eli only shrugged, lifting his head from his hands.
"-But I will, because we're going to need some sort of unbiased third party to talk Clare out of her silly romantic movies."
"Oh and I suppose watching a bunch of guys going on shooting sprees every five seconds isn't silly?"
Eli smirked a bit at her statement, looking to Adam for his response, but he had already moved on, finishing off what was left of his lunch and shaking his head as if dismissing anything she'd said. Basking in her victory, Clare hummed softly to herself, smiling to herself in her own little world of silent satisfaction.
Conveniently, the bell seemed to ring as soon as the two were finishing. Taking Clare's trash with him, Adam hurried over to the trash cans, shoving the discarded sandwich bags and scraps of food into the container.
"So," Clare spoke up as she slung her messenger bag over her shoulder, and slipped her lunch box back into the bag, "I'll have Adam give you my number and we can work out some time for tutoring, alright?"
Eli only nodded, not quite sure what else there was to say, and the reiteration of that only made him realize even more that he would definitely not be the best tutor.
Sure, he knew French, and he was positive he could relay it back to himself if he needed to.
But that was it, he didn't have a technique or a 'secret', he just knew. He read things and he understood them, that's just how it always went.
Clare was a smart girl, Eli could tell just by the way she presented herself and the assumption had only been reinforced when he saw the books she carried. He couldn't quite fathom why learning French had been proven difficult to her, but he could see that she wouldn't go down without a fight, and he supposed that it was seeing someone with passion that made him decide to help. She possessed a rare quality in his eyes, and he envied that.
That she could want things.
He really didn't remember the last time he ever wanted something, per se. Despite maybe wanting his mother to be happy and wanting to take care of her, he couldn't remember the last time he actually wanted something for himself. He never really thought I want to be happy or I want to stop hurting myself or I want to feel better. It was a tie between being selfish and selfless and he couldn't find a way out.
Going home, Adam and Clare invited him to sit closer to them on the bus. Clare opted to sitting across from the two boys (which Eli thought about disagreeing with, but instead took it graciously) so that Eli wouldn't have to sit with strangers. Maybe Adam was right. Maybe he did have the two of them now.
Eli waved goodbye to Clare, which was new for him… saying goodbye. He was never really good with goodbyes either.
"So, I was thinking –" Adam started once the two boys had arrived in their bedroom. He was already starting up a game of Kingdom Hearts while he was talking. Homework who? "I was thinking you could tutor Clare on Fridays so afterwards she'll like, already be here for movie night. It's a pretty great plan."
Eli shrugged.
"Here," Adam tossed him his cell phone. "Clare's number is in there. Just text her the plan or whatever."
He couldn't remember the last time he had texted a girl. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he had sent a text to anyone period. Of course, back when Julia was around, the two would text nonstop when the two weren't together. And it was already odd enough when the two of them weren't together. Eli put Clare's number into his phone, and stared at it for a good ten minutes before deciding what to say.
He didn't know whether or not to be funny.
Or sarcastic.
Or cute.
But then again did he know how to do those kinds of things anyway?
In the end, the text sounded something like this:
"This is Eli."
And her reply sounded something like:
"This is Clare."
He could definitely appreciate the bit of humor she tried to add to the totally awkward conversation that he would have even gathered been in person.
"Adam says it would be a good idea to just have me tutor you before movie night." Eli sent her back. Short – straight – and to the point.
"That sounds good! We can definitely talk about it some more tomorrow, but yeah, before movie night sounds good."
This was something that he had to admire about Clare. Well, something other than all the other things he had begun to admire that were just seemingly endless. She had a personality. The way she could text, it was just like you were old friends. Like he had nothing to worry about. Of course, he was worrying anyway.
"Cool."
It was the best that he could do.
Eli handed Adam back his cell phone and decided that even though it was early, and even though nobody had even eaten dinner yet – he was going to start getting ready for bed. Or, his sleepless version of bed. Maybe he'd read through the letters he'd written to himself, wedged in his copy of Great Expectations. Then he could start his reread of Fight Club. He always found something new when he was reading that.
He stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Eli hated showers, honestly. Maybe it was because it gave him memories of when he'd first begun….hurting himself, how the soap and the cut would react and the sting was a worse pain, it was like a reminder of what he'd done. Maybe it was because he hated looking at himself. He was covered in them, scars that is, and it was difficult for him to breathe sometimes when he would get a look at the miserable piece of art work that he had made. Or maybe it was simple – and he just didn't like water.
Yeah, simplicity was totally Eli's thing.
The bathroom was starting to get foggy, so he changed out of his clothes and for a minute – looked at himself staring back in the mirror. Worthless. Good for nothing. Emotionless. Failure. Stress-freak. Goth boy. Fucking psycho.
Maybe it was the voices that made Eli hate showers.
He finished up quickly, trying to keep his eyes ahead, though he had already caught a glance of the razor sitting temptingly at the end of the tub.
It was far too early for him to start back up again when he had two motherly figures watching over him now.
Though he was starting to believe that Cece wouldn't even take the time to notice anymore, and honestly, he didn't blame her.
Drying off, he slipped on the clothes he'd brought in, a bit uncomfortable with the way the long-sleeved shirt clung to his still damp body. Though that was a very small price to pay. He couldn't risk Adam seeing what a monster he'd become, he couldn't imagine what kind of pep-talk he'd try to muster up and honestly, he didn't want to.
Eli threw the towel over his shoulder, tossing it into the bin as he entered their room. Adam hadn't moved an inch, pressing furiously on the buttons on his controller as he murmured unintelligible phrases.
Sitting on his tiny inflatable mattress, Eli decided to delve into his homework, starting and finishing it all within the hour. He leaned over to grab his bag, and he guessed Adam must have heard him stirring, "I was talking to my mom yesterday, she said your bed should be put together by the time we get back from school tomorrow," he explained, keeping his eyes on the television.
"Sounds good." Eli responded softly, though he felt that the bed might be somewhat of a waste, seeing how his resting periods only lasted for thirty minutes at the most.
"Boys, dinner!" Audra called from downstairs, and Eli could have cracked a smile at how quickly Adam dropped his controller to dart down the steps.
The "family" gathered around the table, and Eli narrowed his eyes a bit at a shaking Cece who had actually decided to eat. He partially wished he could do the same.
When Eli had first started taking medicine, his parents had noticed a lack of eating, how he'd stir the food around for a while, take a couple of bites and then end up throwing the rest away. He ate enough to keep him going, but he certainly wasn't healthy in the aspect of nutrition.
Or any aspect, for that matter.
Eli ate only a few bites of the steak that had been prepared, and a dinner roll, leaving the potatoes untouched and the green beans barely even looked at.
Helping to clear off the table, he looked over to his mother again who had found her way to the loveseat where Clare had sat just the day before.
She was crying again, and had anyone else seen her they would have wondered what she possibly could have remembered to get this way.
But Eli knew; he knew more than anyone else that it could have been anything that set her off.
It could have been the T.V for all he knew, she could have looked at it and thought of all the movies they watched, the home videos and the recorded shows.
But then again it could have been something deeper, she could have glanced at the ring on her finger. Maybe it was their wedding day, or perhaps one of their dates, maybe she thought of the day they said their first I love you's.
Either way, his heart broke for her.
Or at least, he wanted it to.
He hadn't even shed a tear since the death of his father, and the sheer thought of how cold he'd become sent a chill down his spine, deciding to let those thoughts slip away for a bit.
"Come on, mom. It's time to go to bed." He told her softly, holding out a hand to help her up.
She took it graciously, only to let it go when she got to her feet, and she slowly but surely made her way to the bedroom. Eli followed in suit, stopping only to get her a glass of water, because he knew that she'd wake up to get one and never go back to sleep.
Yes, Eli had developed a routine.
He had kept up with it at their last house and he was completely determined to keep up with it now.
When he got to her room she had already changed, but she hadn't yet gotten into her bed, just glaring out the window with a dazed look on her face, and Eli had to remind himself that this woman was his mother.
Tapping her shoulder, he led her to her bed, allowing her situate herself in the sheets as he set the glass on her night-stand next to a photograph that Eli always avoided.
It was a picture of the three of them, a rare photo where all three had been smiling, and he wondered if she looked at it when she was having a particularly bad night.
He could remember what happened back at home, before he'd begun to help her this way, he remembered finding her on the kitchen floor, bottles of unidentified forms of alcohol surrounding her.
"My husband is gone," she had murmured over and over again, and it took Eli a couple of hours to clean up the mess she'd made, along with getting her into bed.
Now, they had a routine. There was a way that things went, and the two kept it that way. Though he wasn't sure if she liked it or not, it kept her safe and it kept her sober.
So Eli continued on with his routine. After his mother was asleep, he could finally get ready for bed. He took his stupid fucking pills like he dreaded doing every night, and tonight he finally got around to finishing Great Expectations. He decided it was okay, like the kind of okay that he categorized Clare in.
Tonight, he started thinking about Clare. It was right about when the nightmares would kick in, so he thought that maybe, just maybe if he thought about something so physically lovely and vocally sweet that it might counteract the bad memories. Because his nightmares were never actually like what children get, he would relive every single bad thing he could ever remember, which was what haunted him the most.
But, surprisingly, Clare helped. She warded off the nightmares for a little bit of time. He tried to imagine her at lunch again, napkin in lap and when she giggled when Eli was even slightly funny. Her laugh was nice, too. If only he was funny enough to get her to laugh more often. Hell, if only he could be funny.
He tried to imagine how he would be tutoring her in French. Comment allez-vous? He pretended in his head that things would go beyond smoothly, that talking to her in French could be easier than talking to her in English. But he knew deep, deep, down that it would be opposite from that. If he could hardly talk to her in English how could he teach her French?
