A Roll of the Dice, chapter 3

0314 hours. Spock closed his eyes and attempted to focus his thoughts. He had learned nothing, even though he had run through every scenario he could devise. While the differences between his version of history and this one were obvious, he could uncover no reason for that difference. He could not determine what caused him to announce his presence at Uhura's door, when in reality, he should have walked away.

He listened to her restless stirrings in the other room. She had finally become too fatigued to continue, so he had convinced her to go to bed. He had actually been rather relieved when she left. The disquiet in her eyes had been difficult to witness, and they were both much more comfortable like this. She had brought him a pillow with the clear indication that he was to sleep on the sofa. While she had been fairly accepting of the fact that he was, indeed, the man she had married, her acceptance had gone only so far. He could hardly fault her.

He stared unseeingly at the computer as he thought about what she had told him earlier. Looking back on his own life, he could see a logical progression of events, each unfolding as it led to the next. This glimpse of the life that could have been was highly unsettling. One simple action on his part—signaling his presence instead of walking away—had brought all of this about, like dominoes falling, one toppling into the next until all had tumbled down. The most innocuous of moments had carried their lives in a direction far from the one he knew, and in no less a logical progression.

He remembered well McCoy's words of so long ago, as they watched Kirk yield to the exhaustion of grief after the very realistic Rayna had ceased functioning:

"You'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the mysteries. The broken rules. The desperate chances. The glorious failures, the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word 'love' isn't written into your book."

Instead of allowing those words to open him to new possibilities, he had hardened himself, shut himself away. He had touched Kirk's thoughts that night to ease the captain's pain, thinking that one could excise troublesome emotions as easily as a surgeon might remove a diseased organ. Ironically, one could argue that he had done that for Kirk out of love, but it was not until many years later that he had actually understood what McCoy had tried to tell him. And not until this evening had he understood the consequences of that delay.

Could one lose what one had never possessed? It was an interesting philosophical question, but of course he already knew the answer. The heavy sensation of loss he was experiencing right now made that answer very clear.

Shifting in his seat, he brought himself back to the problem at hand and considered his alternatives. Comparing his own memory of events to the events recorded here was not enough. If he had only thought to study the previous version of reality as well, his chance of success would be much greater...

Suddenly, the familiar dizziness returned, but when he opened his eyes again, he realized that his situation remained unchanged. Or did it? The tossing and turning in the bedroom was replaced by deep, even breathing—the sound of someone sleeping easily. He crept to the bedroom and peered in the door. Yes. She was sound asleep.

As he turned away, his attention was caught by the holo of T'Aashira, T'Aniana, and Saavik. However...

He frowned and strode quickly across the room. Picking it up, he saw that there were only two faces in the holo, T'Aashira and T'Aniana.

Saavik was gone.

...

Two point three hours later, he removed his boots and stretched out on the sofa, clasping his hands across his chest. The physical and mental strain of recent events had been too wearing, and he could not postpone his need for rest any longer. As thoroughly as he applied himself to either meditating or sleeping, however, all he could do was stare wide-eyed into the dark.

What had happened? What event in his past had engendered so many different versions of history? He had repeated all of his searches as soon as he understood that history had changed yet again, but he had found nothing in this version to distinguish it from the last. Except, of course, for the utter lack of any record mentioning a young woman named Saavik. In this version of reality, he had never gone to Hellguard to rescue a little girl named Saavik, and therefore she had been left to perish. Alone.

Closing his eyes, he pushed away this unproductive line of thought and concentrated on clearing his mind. He had to rest.

...

Dragging himself up from the depths of slumber, he realized that he had just heard a signal at the door. Normally he awakened easily, but this time he had to fight to open his eyes, struggle against a confusing, mind-numbing dizziness...

Of course. Sitting up abruptly, he realized that he was no longer on the sofa. This was a bunk, but when he looked down, he saw that he still wore his uniform. Fascinating. Obviously, history had changed again, but what change in history had placed him here, still in uniform, with his boots standing neatly on the floor beside him?

The door buzzed again, so he hastily donned his boots and rose from the bed.

"Come."

Kirk stepped into the room and rubbed his hands together. "Are you ready? The Etrians are waiting for us to escort them to the conference room."

"One moment, please."

Seizing this opportunity to study his surroundings, he walked back to the bathroom and hastily searched for a comb and toothbrush. As he opened the drawers, he noticed that the contents were conspicuously masculine. Apparently he had encountered another version of history in which he and Nyota were not married.

He rejoined Kirk, and they left his quarters. Weary of explaining his situation, he decided to settle for simply learning more about this version of reality without giving away his status. "What do you wish to accomplish in today's meeting?"

"I thought I'd try to get into specifics about what Federation membership would really mean for them. So far, they've displayed a lot of curiosity about the member races but haven't given us any indication of their own expectations. The entire process has been very one-sided. I'd like to see that change today."

"Logical. Who is attending?"

"The same group as yesterday, except that Lieutenant McFee is filling in for Commander Rand. She's still dealing with that communications glitch from last night."

Spock frowned slightly. "Is there not someone else who could take over for Commander, ah, Rand?"

"Maybe, but you know Janice. If it's a problem in her area, she feels personally responsible. She's the finest communications officer I've known since—"

Kirk abruptly fell silent, and Spock felt his chest constrict at the evasive look on the other man's face. "Since whom, Captain?"

"Since Uhura. I'm sorry, Spock. I shouldn't have mentioned her name."

Careful to keep his voice even, Spock asked, "Why not?"

"Well, I know what yesterday was to you. I probably should have asked you if you wanted to talk about it, but you're so private. Anyway, even after you two divorced, I know that she always called you on your anniversary." Frowning, Kirk looked down at the floor. "It's bound to be hard on you, even still. No matter how many years have passed since she died, I'm sure seeing that date on the calendar brings it all back."

All Spock could do was echo, "She died."

"You can't keep blaming yourself. Yes, she probably would have stayed in Starfleet if things hadn't gone sour between you, but she was excited about that job on Mars. Who would have ever expected the environmental dome to fail? It was a freak accident. No one could have foreseen it."

Although Spock was aware of Kirk's scrutiny, he did not meet the other man's eyes. His distress was undoubtedly clear, and acknowledging Kirk's concern would only make matters more difficult. To his great relief, they turned the corner, and he saw the guest quarters ahead.

Kirk paused. "Are you all right?"

"Yes. Thank you, Captain."

Kirk nodded, and reached for the signal. After a moment, the door slid open, and Spock was not surprised to see that three new Etrians stood before him.

...

He sat at the table, not even pretending to listen to the discussion. What could have caused such a wide disparity between one version of history and the next? In one, he and Uhura had never become close. In another, they had married young and produced a family, and his daughters counted Saavik as their sister. The third appeared similar to the second, except that Saavik did not exist. Finally, in this reality, he and Uhura had married young and divorced, and after that she had died. Also puzzling was the fact that their bond had never ceased glowing softly in his mind. Even when they were not bonded, they were. He could feel it.

He looked up at the Etrian captain, very disturbed that he had seen three different teams of Etrians. It was reasonable to assume that the Etrians were different in the fourth reality as well, even though he had not met them. Although it was a contradiction of sorts, the one constant appeared to be the fact that the Etrians changed in each universe while their mission remained the same.

None of it was logical. The versions of reality varied widely, and he could find no common denominator between each. It almost seemed...

His eyes wide, he pulled his brows together.

It almost seemed that instead of dealing with multiple versions of one reality, he was dealing with multiple realities.

Parallel universes.

Could it be?

His mind raced as he considered this hypothesis. It had been proven that alternate universes existed, for Kirk, McCoy, and Uhura had inadvertently found themselves in one such universe many years ago. Could it be that he, himself, was now being swept from one universe to another? That each version of reality was not something broken and in need of repair? That there truly was a universe without Saavik? That in this universe, it was right that Nyota would be dead?

As painful as it was to accept, he knew that this had to be the truth. It had all begun when he encountered a disturbance in space. Similarly, an ion storm had sent the three members of the Enterprise crew to the alternate universe years ago, and in turn brought their counterparts to his own universe. He remembered uneasily how the three misfits had reacted, and he could only hope that his own counterparts were better behaved.

He studied the Etrians again, wondering how they figured into the equation. It could not be a mere coincidence that he had found a different team in each universe.

As he watched, the Etrian captain said, "Please wait one moment while I consult with my superior."

Captain Kirk nodded. "Of course, Captain Parela."

The Etrian touched the small device, and Spock saw that she was communicating telepathically just as the captain had done in the first universe.

Suddenly, the dizziness returned. Spock closed his eyes briefly, and when he looked up again, he saw that the Etrian team had changed. He also saw that in Kirk's place sat Uhura. Exceedingly relieved to see her alive and well, he nevertheless raised an eyebrow when he looked closer at her uniform and found a captain's insignia. And when he glanced at his own insignia, he found the bars of a commander.

Fascinating. Could the jump from one universe to the next be tied to the Etrians' communication devices?

Raising his hand to gain attention, he turned to the Etrian captain.

"Excuse me. May I ask with whom you are communicating?"

"My superior, back on the ship," the captain said pleasantly.

"Did you use that device to communicate during our ship's night?"

The Etrian's composure faltered slightly. "Ah, yes, actually, but—"

"Where is this superior located?"

"He is on our ship. As you know, he could not wait here until negotiations were complete."

"Yes, of course. Have you, by any chance, heard of a man named Captain D'eban? Or perhaps you know Captain Chesk? Captain Parela?"

The Etrian captain came to his feet. "Forgive me, but I must return to my quarters. I did not rest well last night, and... and it is the custom of our people to rest whenever the body demands it. I am certain you will understand."

He and his two companions left without waiting for further acknowledgment.

Uhura turned to Spock. "Well. What was that all about, Mr. Spock?"

He glanced across the table at the other two participants in the meeting, people he did not know. "Perhaps we should discuss this alone, Captain."

"All right. Dismissed." She watched the two men file from the room. "Okay, let's hear it."

Taking a deep breath, he decided that the direct approach would be best. "I do not belong in this universe."

She frowned and sat back in her chair. "Explain."

"I mean that this is not my reality. I belong in a universe that exists in parallel to this one."

She bit her lip, and he was struck by how often he had seen this gesture from Nyota—his Nyota. The next moment, however, she grew intense again.

"I need more information than that, Mr. Spock."

"Yesterday, I was returning from a scientific conference aboard a shuttlecraft and grew dizzy. When I arrived on the Enterprise, I found my situation very changed. The details are unimportant. Since then, I have experienced the same dizzy sensation four more times, and each time, the events surrounding me have changed again."

"Maybe you're just ill."

"Dr. McCoy certified me fit in the first universe. I have no doubt that I am experiencing this. It is not an illusion."

Scowling, she was quiet, but finally she nodded. "All right. I've known you for a long time, and I trust your judgment. If you think that something is wrong here, I accept that you're correct. What do we do about it?"

"If my suspicions are correct, my movement from one universe to the next is tied to the Etrian captain's communication device. I suggest that we study all communications that have been exchanged between the Etrians and their ship."

"Let's do it."

Nodding decisively, she stood and left the conference room. He raised both eyebrows, bemused by the difference between this woman and the woman he knew, but soon followed.

...

Seated at the science station on the bridge, Spock retrieved the past two days' sensor and communication logs and began searching for anything unique. Uhura sat at the communications station, presumably running her own queries. Spock noticed that while she appeared highly competent, she did not display the same fluent ease that she possessed in his universe.

Summoning a lieutenant to replace her, she crossed the bridge to hover at his shoulder.

"Anything?"

"No, Captain." He studied the display for a moment, then spoke softly. "If I may ask, where is James Kirk in this universe?"

"You mean Admiral Kirk? He's back at HQ. You're close friends."

"Ah. That is good. He and I are friends in my universe, too." He steepled his fingers. "And what is my relationship with you?"

"You're my first officer, and a damn good one, too. Why? What are you and I in your universe?"

"At one time, I was the captain and you were my first officer, but now we both serve under Captain Kirk. I am the first officer and you are the communications officer." Noting her skeptical expression, he could not resist sharing an additional bit of information with this brisk, businesslike woman. "You are also my wife."

"What?" she exclaimed too loudly.

"It is true."

Quickly composing herself, she leaned close again. "We're both senior officers, and we have a relationship? That's fraternization, mister. I wouldn't stand for that on my ship."

He did not reply, his attention caught by the display before him. Although it was almost undetectable, there had been a slight variance in the most low-level frequency recorded by the sensors. Almost at the quantum level.

"Look at these readings. I have never seen anything like this before. Do you recognize them?"

He turned to see her looking at him in an odd manner, as if assessing him. She immediately redirected her gaze to the readings.

"They're new to me," she said. "Do you think that they're related to the Etrians?"

"All indications point to a connection between my predicament and the Etrians' communications. Whether these unusual readings are also related remains to be seen. Until I can study one of their devices, I am reluctant to venture an opinion."

"In that case, I believe that it's time to visit our guests. They need to answer some questions. Come with me."

...

The door slid open to reveal the Etrian captain. His two men could be seen behind him, sitting around a table. None wore a device on his temple, but there were three objects resting on the desk at the back of the room. They appeared to be three of the communications devices.

"Hello. May I assist you?" asked the Etrian captain.

"Mr. Spock and I would like to ask you some questions," replied Uhura. "May we come in?"

The man hesitated. "Now is not a good time. We are resting."

"You look fairly alert to me, so if I can't come in, I'll just ask my questions right here. What can you tell us about how you communicate with your ship?"

"Our communications? Uh, what do you wish to know?"

"We've picked up some unusual readings, and we think they're related to the device you wear."

The captain shrugged, but Spock detected his underlying uneasiness. "I do not know what you mean. They are simple devices, nothing you would be interested in."

"Oh, but we are interested. Could we see one?"

"I don't think—"

"Captain, we have reason to believe that they are actually causing harm. I'm afraid I must insist."

As Uhura spoke, Spock observed the Etrian captain motion discreetly toward one of his men. The man nodded, then left his seat and carefully palmed one of the devices as he walked toward the back room.

Spock stepped around Uhura. "Excuse me."

The man looked back, but he slipped away before anyone could stop him. Spock pushed past the Etrian captain, but even as he did so, he knew that it was too late. The man would have time to do whatever it was he intended to do. Therefore, Spock changed direction and ran back to the desk. The dizziness began to creep over him, but he forced himself to snatch one of the objects before he became too disoriented to function.

He leaned against the desk to steady himself. When he finally opened his eyes, he immediately noticed that three of the devices were arranged on the desktop by his fingers; before the dizziness had come over him, only one had remained. Surprisingly, he still held something in his hand. He slipped it into his pocket before anyone could see.

He turned to find Kirk and three new Etrians watching him curiously. Kirk's eyes reflected his concern, but the three Etrians were relaxed.

Kirk stepped close. "Are you all right? One second we were all standing here talking, and the next you looked like you might faint."

Spock decided that he would have to risk assuming that he had gone to McCoy in this universe. "It is nothing, Captain. Dr. McCoy says that I am merely fatigued. Perhaps I should return to my quarters to rest."

"Good idea. Be sure you go back to the doctor if your symptoms get any worse."

"Of course. Thank you, Captain."

Spock nodded politely at the Etrians, then hastily left.

End chapter 3