Chapter three

Radiohead.

Please note I am trying to be clever and have all of my chapters containing the word radio, and being either groups or songs...I would love your suggestions...All that continues to come to mind is "Video killed the radio star" that I am saving for the chapter where their home made porn video leaks onto the internet.

Stephenie Meyer Owns everything. Well 90% of everything, with that whole tithing thing the Mormon church own the other 10% of everything.

~~OtA~~

BPOV

She pushed herself away from him and took a much needed breath of air.

"Oh, Fuck it!" she said, as she went in for another kiss. His mouth was incredible. She wanted to suck his tongue, but he was keeping it hidden away… like a gentleman.

She pushed herself away for the second time.

He stood there with his arms wide open.

"Are you sure? Because I'm totally ready for round three..." His eyes were twinkling with delight. Seriously, how was that possible? The lighting in this room was crap.

"I am so sorry for, um ..."

"Attacking me?"

"Yep, that's exactly what you'd call it. Oh my, that was rather bizarre. What the hell happened there?" She looked at him and shook her head as she inhaled. She leaned down on her knees like she was about to hyperventilate. She needed to get a grip on reality and fast. This guy was a jackass. J-a-c-k-a-s-ssss. She said it in her head, all hissy at the end.

"I should probably excuse myself from the court appointment. I obviously have some weird, odd brain spasm-burst-aneurysm thingy occurring here."

"If you were experiencing a brain aneurysm I would expect you to either be unconscious or demonstrating some alteration to your Glasgow coma scale and reduced functioning of your verbal, and or motor skills; none of which you appear to be exhibiting right now."

She looked up at him from her hyperventilation pose. That was not something she expected to come out of his mouth. Her face obviously expressed this exact opinion.

"I don't just tell fart jokes all day long you know."

"No, that's just from six to nine in the morning. I kind of expected that you would be reading fart jokes the rest of the time."

"While fart jokes are, I believe, the cornerstone of development of humor in everyone from ages 18 months upwards, I actually have a masters in psychology, an extremely high EQ, and an IQ of around 180, which does not get us out of this awkward situation at present."

She stood like a zombie realizing that one, he was not an idiot jackass, but a smart jackass with delectable lips. One who could quite easily black mail her into fudging a report while acting like an ass on air, all because she was thinking with her Woo-woo and not her brain for approximately sixty seconds of her life; and two, what the hell was she thinking?

"Hi, I'm Edward. I'm just a boy standing in front of a girl...waving my foppish hair."

She giggled. She loved Notting Hill. And fuck, he was English. What was it with English men and foppish hair?

"Hi. I'm Bella. Miss Bella Swan."

"I don't want to Miss you Bella Swan. That was an amazing kiss - feel free to attack me any time."

She raised herself up, trying to stand like an adult and not make it look like she was sticking her boobs out.

"I am very, very confused right now. Since today's show is over…and I mean both shows; the one just now where my brain went into spasm as well as the one where you air fucked a microphone while pretending to be apologizing for your behavior… um, yes… well, I am going to go home and attempt to pretend that this didn't happen. It'd be great if you could do the same. That would be just really, really great."

He smirked at her, and she noted his eyes crinkled at the corners. For a verbally repulsive jackass he was incredibly cute.

"Oh… shut the fuck up." Yes, she had just spoken out loud, telling herself to stop having internal conversations about this gorgeous jackass of a man, and made herself look even more stupid.

He continued to watch her, head tilted while she slowly internally combusted.

"Ok, leaving now, see you tomorrow. No more of this weird behavior occurring from me."

She left the room, tripping on the transition strip at the door and trying to leave with as much of her dignity intact as she could. "Not much dignity left really," she muttered to herself as she sat in her car.

Driving home was quite a surreal experience. She continued to talk to herself.

"Idiot. You are in dire need of having your head read. He is the opposite of everything you believe in. He probably squashes spiders instead of taking them outside when he sees them. He probably likes dogs, and you are a cat person. He is a jackass. This is your mantra. He is a jackass."

She looked at herself in the rear view mirror.

"You are resorting to talking to yourself in your car like you are actually having a rational conversation. Alice and Rose will kick your ass. You could not take him out to any of your fundraisers, he would repulse everyone there the minute he opened his mouth. Your credibility will go down. Just like you would like to go down on him..." She cupped her hand over her mouth. She looked at her reflection again.

"You did not just say that you wanted to go down on him?" The reflection's eyes appeared to be saying- "Dear Lord, yes I would."

"That's it. No more talk from you today young lady. You are an idiot."

Reaching her apartment, she entered in the code and drove into the garage. She tripped once again as she got out of her vehicle, shut the door on her coat, reopened the door straight into her knee and then finally shut the door successfully. She pushed the button on the lift, tripped as she entered, and somehow managed to make it into her flat, managing to only graze her pinky finger on the door latch.

She was greeted by the only man in her life who made it ok.

"Hello my darling, I'm home."

Mr. Jenks answered by bounding over and rubbing his head against her leg. Well, that's how she would have liked her cat to have responded. Instead he was midway through licking his nether regions, pausing only long enough to appear to be sticking his tongue out at her.

"I'm going to take a shower. Don't be creepy and come in Mr. Jenks, you water-loving, freak of a cat."

EPOV

She kissed me. Oh. My. Lord. Her mouth tasted just divine. It was all he could do not to stick his tongue halfway down her throat.

There was this weird vibe about her. She was repulsed by him and at the same time she was coming on to him. She sure as hell couldn't figure out what she wanted. But he knew he wanted her and that was a mistake.

She called him a jackass.

Nice British word that one. Jackass. He deserved it. He really was being one lately. He had no idea who the hell he was anymore and it was disturbing him greatly.

He needed to clear his head. He needed to go home and wank, and then maybe wank again. Then go for a run. Nothing worse than running around with your dick half cocked. Or fully cocked for that matter. Like that actor Kellan Lutz…does the man not own a pair of jocks? Geez. He was thinking about Kellan Lutz's dick. What had become of him?

Jasper entered his office, just in time to see him banging his head against the wall for the third time in a row.

"Man - you gotta cut that out, your gonna do damage to the are in deep enough shit my friend."

"Yep. I'll stop the minute that my brain comes up with something that explains what the hell just happened." He did not want to get in her pants. He really did not want to get into her pants.

Hell yes he wanted to get into her pants.

Jasper crossed his arms over his body, tapping his fingers on his upper arm waiting for Edward to stop overreacting. He kicked the door shut with his foot and leaned back on the door.

"Wanna let a man in on what has you banging the walls?"

Edward looked across at his friend and weighed the pros and cons of telling his friend what had occurred.

"I can't man. I'm just gonna have to fucking work this out myself."

"Alright then, Mr. Cryptic. But could you act remotely normal around the Swan woman? You just have to play it straight for four weeks and then you can resort to your usual jackass behavior".

"Oh great! So you think I'm a jackass too?" Edward sat down on his leather chair looking defeated.

"Edward, this is getting out of hand. How much longer can this shit go on for?"

"What shit?"

"Tanya dumped your ass man. I know it was for another woman, but you should have shut your trap up about the lesbian gambit. How much longer are you gonna be a whiney girl about it?"

"I'm over her. Believe me, this is something different. Something really weird for me, so just let me sort myself out."

"Well, you better get sorted. You have that outside broadcast in Vegas on Friday, so you had better get your game on and try to only offend within the FCC guidelines. And whatever issues you have, grab the monkey, spank it and get over it." Jasper exited the room, leaving Edward in his reverie.

Monkey. Spank. He would love to spank that little Bella monkey.

He promptly returned to his head banging, this time seated at his desk.

~~OtA~~

So how was that guys? Really they ought to be fucking each other's brains out. Would love to hear about your irrational behavior around someone in your life. I met this guy when I was 18, he totally had a girlfriend, but he made me laugh for an entire day, and next thing I knew I was losing my virginity to him. I had dated all of his friends prior to that, so maybe he was just the last man standing or something. I wound up marrying him.

Chapters have been relaunched due to my Beta doing some er, Beta-rering.