After three complete rewrites and a lot of crossing out, I've finally managed to put together a third chapter that I don't hate. I'd be very interested to hear what people think.

Thank you so much to those lovely people who reviewed the earlier chapters. Your encouragement kept me going through writing this one!


It had been a long day for Elsie. After receiving that wonderful letter, she had tried to avoid Mr Carson as much as possible, worried that he would sense her distress and somehow force the truth from her before she was ready to tell it. When she did run into him on the back stairs, he'd smiled his usual gentle smile and she'd been unable to meet his eyes, unwilling to see the kindness there that would soon be replaced by hurt, or worse, anger.

At dinner she kept her eyes trained on her plate. Whenever she looked up she'd seen Mr Carson's confusion in the furrow of his brow, the unspoken question hovering in his eyes. But now, the last of the servants had just gone upstairs and the light spilling under the door of the butler's pantry told her that he was still awake. Elsie knew it was time.

She knocked hesitantly on the door, a small part of her still hoping that he wouldn't hear and she could retreat to bed.

'Come in'.

Taking one last deep breath, she turned the handle and gently pushed open the door. Mr Carson was sitting at his desk, head bent over a ledger. He looked up at the sound of the door clicking shut behind her.

'Mrs Hughes, what can I do for you?', he asked with a small smile.

'There's something I need to discuss with you', she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "I thought this might be a good time, but if you're busy...'

He frowned slightly and leaned back in the chair with a sigh. "Does this have anything to do with you avoiding me all day?", the words were harsh but his eyes showed only concern.

"Partly", she drew her bottom lip between her teeth and looked away, feeling lost as to how to continue.

"Mrs Hughes please sit down and tell me what's wrong. I'm sure it can't be as bad as all that".

She took the seat across from him, glad of the barrier that his desk provided. Still, the words would not come and Mr Carson was not helping, looking at her with those warm kind eyes.

"Do you ever think about us?", she blurted out suddenly.

"Pardon?"

"The time we spent … together, just after I came to Downton ...", she stuttered to a stop. "I'm sorry Mr Carson, I shouldn't have". She started to rise from the chair only to be halted by his soft reply.

"Yes"

"Yes?", she sat back down heavily.

He ran a finger along the edge of the desk, unable to meet her eyes. "I think we made the right decision, ending things when we did. But I still look back on that time with fondness". He looked almost bashful at the admission, clearing his throat before continuing, "why do you ask?"

She took a steadying breath. "Do you remember what happened when you came back from London that year?" she asked, staring down at her tightly clenched hands.

"How could I forget, we had to cope without you until well into the next year. I recall that your sister was very ill and you were allowed time away to help care for her". He frowned deeply, "is your sister ill again? I'm sure we can work something out if you need to … "

Elsie interrupted him with a shake of her head, "no, nothing like that".

"Then what?"

"Elsie?" he urged gently after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

"There was never anything wrong with my sister, I lied so that I could get away from the house".

His eyes widened in surprise. "Because of us?" he asked hesitantly.

"Not in the way you think" she answered, more harshly than she meant to. She rubbed the bridge of her nose between thumb and forefinger, already feeling the conversation slipping out of her control. "I'm sorry Charles, that was uncalled for. What I mean is that I wasn't avoiding you because I was unhappy about the end of our relationship".

"But it was me you were avoiding?"

She nodded.

"But why? It might have been awkward for a short time, but we'd have worked things out. We always do".

Elsie sighed. "It was a lot more complicated than that".

"How?"

The point of no return. Elsie could feel her heart hammering in her chest.

"Shortly after you left with the family I discovered that I was pregnant".

She heard his sharp intake of breath, saw his hands tighten on the arms of his chair. His face was a picture of complete disbelief and when he spoke, the words sounded hollow, as if coming from a great distance.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"We couldn't keep the baby, couldn't be a normal family. I thought it was better if you didn't know".

"Better?" he said incredulously. "It was better for you to lie to me and to the family? You could have written to me, I would have returned in a heartbeat".

"And what then? We'd have had to leave Downton with no references and very little hope of getting other jobs in service".

"We'd have coped, somehow. I would have found other work".

"And you'd have been happy? Scraping a living in a factory or on a farm? How long before you started to regret it? How long before you started to hate me for trapping you?"

He looked affronted at the suggestion. "You really think me capable of such callousness?"

"I couldn't risk it; I couldn't ruin all of our lives."

Charles sank back into the chair, running a hand unsteadily over his face. "Where did you go?"

"Manchester. A friend, someone I once worked with, let me stay with her". Elsie was transported back to those first difficult weeks after she'd left Downton. "It wasn't easy, but even at the worst times I still felt like it was the right thing to do. After a few months I met a young couple who I later discovered couldn't have children. They offered to adopt the baby and I knew they'd be able to give him so much more than I could".

Charles' head snapped up. "Him? It was a boy?"

"James" she said softly, unable to repress the small smile, "he had your eyes".

Somehow, those simple facts seemed to suddenly make everything real to him. His shoulders slumped as he stared numbly down at his hands.

"A son". The deep murmur was so soft that Elsie barely heard it. "I have a son". His tone spoke of utter bewilderment and a sadness that broke her heart.

"I'm sorry. I know it's difficult to take in, but I.."

"Mrs Hughes." Elsie recoiled slightly at the sudden formality. "I think that's enough for tonight, we both have busy days tomorrow. I will say good night".

With that he rose and strode purposefully towards the door. It was a moment before Elsie processed the abrupt end of the conversation but she recovered in time to reach out and grasp his arm as he walked past. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall and she tightened her grip slightly, willing him to look at her.

"Stay, please. Let me explain".

He took a deep shuddering breath and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. "Not tonight, no more tonight. I can't think".

With that he was gone, leaving Elsie alone in the butler's pantry with tears stinging her eyes.


So there we go, hope it doesn't seem too out of character. The first draft had Carson being far too accepting. The second got very angry and hysterical. We Brits generally don't deal with extreme emotion in a dramatic way – it's all about quiet suffering and making a cup of tea. Perhaps Mr Carson has gone to put the kettle on.

I can see the next chapter being another difficult one for me. I will update as soon as I can :-D