a/n – Another chapter exposing the inner workings of their minds before we get back to Liv's apartment
Elliot had always been protective of Olivia. He'd almost have himself convinced that it was just about work, when a suspect would look at her that certain way or make some wise-ass comment and he'd react to it. Afterwards she'd always give him that look, like she wished he'd grow up and learn that she didn't need him to get offended on her behalf. What she didn't understand was that for him, it was personal. He'd certainly seen enough proof of how well she could handle herself, and it had nothing to do with thinking she actually needed his help. His main problem was how much he wanted to defend her. He knew it was possessive, and he really couldn't rationalize it if asked, but deep down he wished she would see him as her knight in shining armor.
Of course, he knew that would never happen. She had way too much strength, both inside and out, to be impressed by him. He respected her so much that it infuriated him to think that sometimes, when some pervert remarked on her body or what they'd like to do to her, he'd feel guilty. Because there had been many days when he'd looked at her and thought similarly distasteful thoughts. Every time he did, he'd chastise himself. He knew that she would kick his ass if she could read his mind half the time they were sitting across from each other in the squad room. He also knew that he'd deserve it.
He had always made sure not to let any of his feelings interfere with his job. He actually managed to keep his thoughts entirely to himself, despite how hard it was. He couldn't stand to lose his job, after all, and he had four amazing kids that he absolutely adored and a wife...a wife. That's what she was, Kathy. His wife. One who would guilt-trip the Hell out of him for not being home enough, getting called out of bed in the middle of the night, and spending hours and hours with a woman who wasn't her. What he wouldn't give to have her stop nagging him. After all, it was the same kids that she said he didn't care about enough that were made safer every time he and Liv caught a perp. Sure, he wished he could spend more time with his kids. But he knew that if he left the SVU for some 9-5 job, he'd miss the feeling that what he did for a living was making a serious difference to people's lives. Would Kathy ever really get that what he did, he did mostly FOR THEIR KIDS?
He knew that she viewed him as a good man. He just didn't believe she saw him as the man she wanted anymore. And, although he himself did still love her, he was pretty sure he wasn't in love with her anymore.
It was hard for either of them to admit, but their love life had steadily deteriorated over the years. They'd started to make love less and less, and when they did, it either felt to her like he was doing it out of obligation or to relieve pent-up frustration and stress. She'd gone through a phase where she'd just felt grateful to be touched by him. To think he'd take the time out of his busy schedule...but that time was gone. Now she just felt resentment towards him, especially whenever the phone rang after midnight and he'd answer "Stabler". She just wanted a man who'd care about her needs more than he did about those of strangers. She didn't see Elliot being that man anytime soon, if ever. He no longer fulfilled her needs, and she had finally come to the conclusion that they should both move on. They had four children together, but she was of the opinion that they'd be better off raised by parents not involved in a marriage that had, at least for her, become a joke. She'd spoken to their lawyer less than a week ago, and had been waiting for the right time to serve him with the divorce papers.
Tonight he hadn't come home at all or even called, and she knew that when he got home they'd be over. Something told her that he wouldn't mind getting out of this marriage anymore than she would. She just had to wonder, with a half-guilty, half-satisfied flush, whether she should tell him about the seductive blonde man with the French accent...the one she'd been meeting at a hotel while the kids were at school for the past five weeks.
Elliot thought Kathy had always been jealous of Olivia. It bothered him so much mainly because, in a way, it was warranted. He spent more time with his partner than he did with his family, sure, but that would have been true even if his partner was Munch or Fin. No...it was Olivia herself that drove both Elliot and Kathy Stabler crazy. They both knew she was a complete knockout. Her exotic, dark features made Kathy look like a plain Jane. Kathy's average facial structure, average eyes, average hair...there just wasn't any comparison. Next to Olivia, Kathy was just another blonde, blue-eyed American housewife. The flame of passion that Elliot had for her had burnt way down over the years. But Olivia was different. She was the most special, unique woman that a man could ever hope to share a day with. And God, was she sexy...Elliot would sometimes sit on the couch at home and imagine having her long, lithe body beneath him. He wanted to feel what lay beneath her modest apparel, and it was torture resisting the urge to slip his hand beneath her shirt sometimes. It was lucky for his family, and especially his job, that he was so strong-willed.
All he'd ever dared to do with Olivia was stand closer to her than really necessary, and touch his palm to the small of her back when they left a building. She'd never said anything against his gentle touch, so he figured she just viewed it as him being chivalrous. After all, Olivia had no reason to think otherwise. She knew he loved his family, even if it didn't always seem likely that he was still in love with Kathy. Not only that, but she'd shown that she didn't think about him sexually when she slept with Cassidy. She had her own personal life; of course she wasn't about to wonder what went on in his head every time he rested his palm against her lower back. What Elliot didn't know was that Olivia's reaction to that slight pressure was always an increased heart rate, a dry throat, and a very distracting throbbing between her legs. What he suspected even less was that Brian Cassidy had been Olivia's own poor-man's version of him.
The few times that Olivia had slept with Brian, she'd been imagining with all her might that the man holding her was Elliot. She often felt guilty, because every man she'd been with since being partnered with Elliot had developed feelings for her without realizing that they could never compete with him for her affections. For Olivia Benson, Cupid was one Hell of a practical joker.
