I do not own House nor make any money. Two more chapters left.
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Taub slowly wiped the sweat from his brow, his eyes narrowed at the glass table before him. Thirteen and Foremen had rushed out leaving him with House… And honestly it was nerve wrecking. Houses eyes stared at him, those cold blue orbs, never blinking, searching, burning into Taubs skin. He didn't look up to match those eyes, he didn't speak up to why House was looking at him like that. Looking at him as thou the mishap with Kutner was somehow his fault.
Slumping into his chair a little more, his fingers curled into his chin, his free hand digging into his ribs, pushing pressure, pushing pain into himself to stop the tears from coming, stop himself from screaming at House.
It was his Fault.
He hated this, this guilt. Everyone would blame themselves, they would say they missed the sign, that they could of done something when really they couldn't. Thirteen could cry a river and swear she was to blame but really, she had her own problem, her own death to control to deal with Kutner. Foremen was a good guy but he was their boss, in such a high position you can't make friends with your employees. Foremen couldn't help Kutner even if he wanted too. No… Taub was truly to blame, he saw the sign, even for a split second but he was to stuck up, to worried about himself to do anything. And the way House was staring at him, made him truly believe House knew this fact as well.
Closing his eyes, his head bowed down, his mind yelling at him, telling him he could of saved his friend, he could of done something besides run away, besides taking Kutners credit, besides stabbing him in the back..Taub could of done something… The week he saw the sign, he was talking with Kutner about suicide. Their patient had spent half his time trying to off himself to get away from the pain and Taub had expressed his displeasure of it, his cold nerve for those whom took their own life. He remember talking to Kutner, confessing to him that he had known the feeling, wanting to take your own life to escape from the endless depression, the pain. He remembered to well. He turned to leave, to report his information to House when Kutner queit voice stopped him. "Taub… Your friend…" He turned to looked at Kutner, and for the first time he saw that frown. Kutner stared at the bed in front of him, his fingers touching the cold blanket lightly. "..How… did he get over it?" Taub rose a brow a little. That was strange for Kutner to ask such a thing. "He sucked it up." He answered.
Kutner looked over to him, his brown eyes showing nothing. Taubs brain kicked and a little voice was yelling at him, telling him there had to be something behind it. But he only kept quietly, staring, watching Kutner shift from one foot to another muttering, "Sucked it up huh?" He nodded slowly in agreement before his co-worker took a breath, letting a smile touch his face. "That had to suck for him." Taub closed his eyes a little, turning back to the door frame. "It did."
"Hey, want to go grab something to eat? I'm straving."
Taub looked to his watch before giving a wave over his shoulder, "Even thou that sounds like something I would do. Can't, got a wife, need to get home. See you tomorrow." He never turned around when he left, he just kept forward, kept walking in till he got to the elevator, in till he got to his car and got home. The second he walked through the door frame of his home, he forgot about Kutner, he forgot about the day and the talk they had.
The next day Kutner just smiled at him and cracked a joke, offering out a cup of coffee for his hands. How did Taub treat him? During his mid-life crisis, he went and stole Kutners idea and placed it as his own just to save his own job and his own skin and just like Kutner, he simply nodded with agreement. Taub had left, leaving House with Kutner, but he never got in his car. He simply leaned against it, waiting, his heart racing. When he heard foot steps, he glanced up and saw Kutner making his way to his car.
"Kutner!" He called out, rushing over to him. His co-worker looked at him shocked, surprised. "Hey, whats up?"
Taub pressed his lips, his fingers curling and un curling in his fist. "About… in the locker room.. With House. I just wanted to say."
"Hey, its no big deal."
He looked up to him and Kutner only smiled that soft smile, opening his car door. "Why?" Taub asked lightly, all the people he had known, they would always throw each other under the bus to get credit, to get their earned right… Kutner simply gave a shrug, tossing his bag into his car. "Cause you're my friend." Taub tilted his head a little before giving a soft chuckle, "Friends huh?"
"Yeah, why don't you see me as a friend?"
He only gave a shrug, looking away muttering, "Yeah..." He heard Kutner laugh a little, his arms crossing in front of his chest. "You're lieing."
"Everybody lies."
"That's true. Really don't worry about it."
Taub looked back up to him, a slow smile touching his face. He Didn't have to worry, Kutner wasn't going to spill, he wasn't going to run to House and claim Taub was a fraud. With a nod, he took a step back. "Great, good." Kutner dug into his coat pocket, pulling out his car keys grinning, "Wanna join me? I'm thinking about hitting a bar on my way home. A night cap so to speak. Gives us a chance to start up this fake friendship of ours." Taub felt something cold run down his spine but he slowly shock his head. "No, its been a long day. I'm just gonna go home."
"Alright then. Drive safe."
He watched Kutner turn and slide into his drivers seat, pulling the car door down. Something was clawing at Taub, the little voice was screaming at him. Quickly he knocked on the window, pointing down to let Kutner roll it down. Once he did, he muttered, "Kutner…"
He stared at him with his big brown eyes, his face showing no expression, blank, as thou he was waiting to see what Taub would say. His fingers curled into the window frame, the voice told me to go to the bar, to sit and just relax but he just couldn't. "…See you tomorrow." His fingers slipped away as he watched Kutner give a nod and speak back.
"Yeah. Tomorrow." Kutner gave a wave and backed away with a warm smile on his face and for the first time, Taub felt like that smile was forced. He watched his co-worker drive off, leaving him behind. He felt hollow, he felt guilty… He felt horror able.
The next day when Kutner didn't show up, he figured he got to drunk at the bar he went to last night and was suffering a wicked hang-over so when House asked where he was. He coughed out a lie to cover. Hopeing to buy him some time. He made a note, as soon as Kutner came in, he was going to ask him out to the bar, he was going to earn the friendship Kutner thought they had. He was going to repay him for taking his idea…
But that never came…
Taub felt a wet trail slide down his cheek, bringing him back to the real world. Opening his eyes slowly, more tears fell, dripping off his chin, staining his shirt. Looking up, he saw that House had moved away, going back to his own office, closing the door and sliding the blinds shut. Leaving Taub truly alone. His body began to tremble as his breathing became harder. This was his fault, he was so god damn selfish! Closing his eyes tightly, his fingers curling into a fist, he slammed his palm down into the glass table. Again he slammed, his tightly held fist cracking against the smooth surface. The tears fell as he let out a shout, slamming his fist down again, causing the table to crack under the pressure.
This was his fault! He could of stopped this! He could of helped him when he asked, he should of went to dinner with him, he should of went to the bar! He should of did anything but walk away like everyone else! He was a bastard! His hand throbbed but he only went on, wanting to hurt himself, wanting to take the pain, needing to feel something else besides this guilt. He killed the one person who didn't judge him, he pushed the one person who needed his help. Taub killed Kutner. It was all his fault.
'God Kutner… I'm sorry!'
