Well, I went through the story and pretended that I was a reader and it was someone else's story, and I realized that my chapter's were ridiculously short. I tried to convince myself that it was "economy of the word," but I failed to lie convincingly to myself. So, I edited the first four chapters, condensed them into two, and cut the last section from Chapter 4. Sorry, guys. It really ate at me until I did it.

Perhaps having a beta would help. No one is particularly interested, I suppose?


Previously:

She peered over the edge into the cosmos, and the spans of oblivion rushed up to greet her. It beckoned her, shining in a peculiar shade of swirling green that she felt was terribly familiar.

Jane took a deep breath...


"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention.
Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day.
This is all practice."
- Chuck Palahniuk

...Loki let himself go.

"Tell me," he demanded furiously, tearing at his hair. He wasn't entirely certain if he was frustrated or anguished.

Perhaps this is perfect agony.

Odin and Frigga stared down at him from their thrones, concern etched on their faces at the sight of him. He wasn't surprised. He'd remained unseen for weeks, holed up in his rooms with every scrap of literature on magic he could grasp, pouring over the words and casting innumerable spells in the attempt to wake her. He'd broken down and started visiting Jane in the evenings, when the staff left for meals and sleep, staring down at her face and watching her steady breathing.

He could feel the madness looming ever closer; the darkness on the edges of his mind creeping in, telling him just how worthless-useless-vile-monster-pitiful...

"Son-" Odin said.

"I have read everything! All of the texts, tomes, and scrolls in the library! Nothing works!"

"I told you, Prince Loki," Frigga said softly, her eyes searching his.

"No! You have told me nothing!" Loki bared his teeth, resembling a lone coyote trapped in a corner, eyes wide and mouth snarling. "Why won't she wake? Tell me!"

Yes, this is anguish, the still-rational portion of his brain whispered.

"You are looking in the wrong places."

He stared at her for a long moment, eyes unseeing as that rational portion of his brain attempted to process what she was saying. He closed his eyes briefly before turning on his heel and disappearing.

#####

The colors of the cosmos swirled around Jane, creating and destroying universes before her eyes. Blues and greens mixed together, forming muddled middles before gaining speed and collapsing into a black emptiness. Stars formed and gathered planets, civilizations emerged from nothing before crumbling and being engulfed by the star's death. She cried for the innumerable lives she witnessed snuffed out with each cycle; she cheered for each new life that came into being.

The swirling cosmos was at once immeasurable and finite, organic and metaphysical, benevolent and malignant.

Jane wondered why she did not feel frightened, falling unhindered through the universes; would she hit the limbs of Yggdrasil? Were its branches physical? Would her body break upon impact?

She could not bring herself to care.

There was a small green light that caught her attention, alone amongst a mass of brilliant red lights. It flickered as though it was struggling to remain separate. She empathized with the little green light. The stifling loneliness of being something different in a sea of sameness was draining, and the urge to give in was sometimes suffocating.

She watched as the light sputtered before going out completely, and she finally felt a twinge of alarm. She found herself changing directions; rather than falling down, she was falling toward the mass of red where she'd last seen that struggling green light. As she got closer, the green light reemerged, slightly brighter than before. She smiled, continuing to move forward. Reaching out, she tried to touch the little green light, but she was still too far away. She strained, gaining leverage on the mass of the universe, and the tip of her index finger caught the outer edges of the green light.

"...I wish to see your spark... reignite mine..."

The cosmos imploded.

#####

Loki waited until Eir was out of sight before slipping into the infirmary. Jane had remained stubbornly sleeping despite everything Loki had attempted in his quest to wake her. If she would wake, Thor would come back. Loki would be the hero; his past actions could be forgiven and his house arrest lifted. It had all been simple when he agreed to help Thor.

He shook his head wearily, slumping into the armchair his mother had demanded placed next to Jane's bed. He knew better than to underestimate Nemesis; she very seldom lied. The small sliver of hope that he'd been clinging to had blinded him to the glaringly obvious. He was the Trickster God. He'd been certain that the loop hole was there, waiting to be found.

"This is all your fault," he told her.

The candles cast awkward shadows on Jane's sleeping face. Loki watched as the planes morphed and changed into something not quite human for seconds at a time and back again. The shadows moved in tandem with Loki's own. These moments he stole, alone with Jane and his thoughts, were the few he had where the darkness of madness, ever threatening to break through the ramparts of his mind, receded, allowing his logical, calculating mind to work.

"We're more alike than you realize, you know."

He sighed and placed his face in his hand, resting his elbow on the arm of the chair. He sifted through all of the attempts he'd made to wake her over the last six months. None had so much as caused her heartbeat to quicken; she'd remained blissfully unaware of the torture she was putting him through.

"Outsiders," he said, his voice barely more than a breath. "Outlanders. Interlopers."

His gaze rose back to her form, watching the steady rise and fall of her breathing, and the candlelight's flickering fell into sync with her breath.

"Required to become something not quite different, but not quite the same."

As the words spilled from his lips, he knew that they were undeniably true; the only difference between his situation and Jane's was the illusion of control. She thought she had a choice in her transformation into an Asgardian, when really she'd just been manipulated into wanting it. Sure, she and Thor loved each other - oh, how he loathed that word - but that didn't require making changes to the fundamental aspects of your being. Everything that Loki knew about love said that you shouldn't have to change to be with someone; the changes should occur naturally, unselfishly, not because it would be ripped from you should you refuse.

"They will not ever understand what I have come to understand - what you have come to understand. How could they? To them, this is the greatest gift they could bestow upon us lesser beings; we should be overjoyed, beyond ourselves with gratitude for this opportunity."

Should he be grateful?

Loki'd had no choice, no semblance of control, in the matter of his conversion, however incomplete, to Asgard, though he supposed that being changed was preferable to being dead. No one seemed to consider he would handle this "gift," and the knowledge of it, with anything less than joy and praise. He was grateful to not be dead, of that he was absolutely certain, but he could not be grateful for the lies, the betrayal of having his true nature hidden from him.

He realized that his feet had carried him to her bedside while he poured over his musings, and he took that moment to take in the details of her face all over again. She was not the most beautiful or exquisite creature he'd ever seen; there were more than a few Asgardian women who easily outshone her as far as looks went. He could see, in his mind's eye, how her delicate features would be enhanced by Idunn's Apples. She would be glorious then.

Loki had been cheated; the most beautiful feature she possessed had been cruelly hidden away, tucked into this shell, awaiting someone to save her from the vast reaches of her mind. It was the fire that Loki had seen in her eyes, he decided, that was the most beautiful; that spark of mischief mixed with a burning strength that set her apart. Idunn's Apple would not change that.

His fingers reached out, tracing the curve of her temple and cheek, trying to wake her with only the sheer will of his mind. It didn't work.

"I wish," he murmured, "to see your spark again. Perhaps it would bring back mine."

He sighed. He bent to place a kiss upon her cheek. His hand found purchase on the mattress; her head fell to the side. Their lips met.

Loki's eyes snapped open, wild and unfocused. Guilt flooded his mind; the madness rushed back at him, raging like an unfettered dragon. He turned on his heel and disappeared, fleeing from his mistake.

Yet another one...

An instant after his form faded, Jane's eyes opened.


Aha! Cliffhanger! Is it any good? Are you salivating in your hands? Haha. What do you think? R&R!