Gary was up early the next day; he'd given up on sleep at three in the morning after tossing and turning for two hours. Instead he'd stayed up replaying his fight with Miranda over and over in his head, trying to figure out how everything had gone wrong so badly.
He knew the answer, of course. He never should have proposed to her in a moment of panic and fear. But really, was that where it had all started? He thought further back, to the mess with Tamara that had created a rift in their friendship for a few weeks. She said she'd forgiven him, but had they really repaired the broken trust between them? He'd always felt as though he'd gotten off a bit easily for lying, but Miranda was in general a forgiving person. Maybe he'd been taking that for granted.
Going back even further – when he'd left for Hong Kong. He'd wanted to tell her he had feelings for her and that he didn't want to leave without exploring them, but she hadn't given him a chance.
There he went again, trying to blame her for his own lack of courage. He groaned and rolled over, burying his head into his pillow in frustration. Why had things between them always been so complicated and convoluted? Wasn't it supposed to be easy, effortless, exciting, to be in love?
Really, he thought, it's been like this since uni. It had always been Miranda who captivated him, who intrigued him, who made him laugh harder than he had with anyone before. She'd been a lifeline cast out to him while he was alone and lost amongst people who knew what they wanted to do with their lives after graduation. She'd told him that he'd been the same to her. Two people, alone, finding one another and suddenly they weren't alone anymore.
It was a simple equation. Take two people who are crazy about one another and put them together, problem solved. Instead all they seemed to find were more problems.
Before he knew it, his alarm was going off and it was six. He wasn't sure if he'd fallen asleep or if his thoughts had kept him distracted from the ticking time, but he couldn't stay in bed wallowing all day.
He was distracted during prep at work; Brian called him on it more than once. Eventually Gary shooed him away and was busy slicing veg when the doors opened and the first customers came in.
He shouldn't have been surprised to see her, but he still was. Especially since she'd looked at him with such sadness and hurt in her expression the night before. She still looked quite sad, though she smiled at Brian before leaning against the bar to watch him work.
Worried he'd inadvertently slice off a finger with her so close to him, Gary pushed his work aside and looked up at her.
"Hi."
"Morning." She fidgeted a bit for a moment before clearing her throat slightly. "Um, I know you're busy, but I just… I wanted to say goodbye before I left."
His heart sank, though he wasn't sure why. He knew she was leaving and going back to Scotland. This was no longer her home; she'd made that very clear. He just didn't expect her to leave so soon.
"And I wanted to apologise for how I did it last time. Well, I wanted to apologise for not doing it at all last time." Her hands were shaking slightly; she was actually nervous. Gary glanced toward the kitchen to make sure Brian was fine on his own before he stepped out from behind the bar and took her arm, walking with her over to the sofa away from everyone. They sat, keeping a safe distance between them.
"Miranda, I'm so-"
"Don't. Don't apologise for last night, because you don't have to. I know you meant every word, and the truth is, I did too. I can't say I'm sorry for telling you how it felt. I can't apologise for feeling the way I do."
He lowered his head, staring down at his hands in his lap. "So, where does that leave us? Are we still… friends?"
He heard her voice catch slightly when she answered. "Do you honestly think we still can be? I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm just trying to be realistic. You made me wait fifteen years for you to be ready to give us a go, and you still couldn't commit. And I know, Gary. I understand why. But I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't do that to myself. And… could you really see me as a friend after I left you here for eighteen months and pretended you didn't exist?"
"Can't we at least try?" He knew the answer even as he asked the question.
"We tried being a couple and you saw how that turned out. You said yourself, it was a risk. I don't regret taking it, but I don't think we can go back to how we were."
She was on the brink of tears, and he realised that he was in the same state. Because the idea of Miranda not being around, not being his friend, was a pain so acute that he felt his chest tighten.
"I lied before, when I said I'm not in love with you anymore." It was the truth, however desperate it sounded.
She brushed the tears away from her cheeks.
"I did, too. I think a small part of me always will love you. And that's why it's better if I leave again. I love Ewan, and I think I deserve him."
"You deserve everything."
She swiped at her cheeks again, and looked like she was about to say something when Stevie walked into the restaurant, Ewan behind her with their bags.
Miranda closed her mouth quickly and instead leaned over and hugged him. It was the most painful embrace he'd ever endured. Part of him felt like they were magnets repelling one another, pushing apart even though her arms were tightly wrapped around him, and another part of him felt like he'd never be able to let go of her.
"Goodbye, Gary."
He buried his face into her shoulder, breathing in the scent of her perfume, her shampoo, the fabric softener she always used on her clothes. His thumb rubbed against her shoulder, and he heard her shaky exhale as she started to pull away. Her eyes were bright but damp with fresh tears, and she gave him a brave smile.
"Right, long train ride ahead. Best be going. Stevie's giving us a lift," she explained. Her hand lingered on his shoulder as she rose to her feet and then walked over to greet them.
As he watched Ewan wrap his arm around her waist and kiss her on the forehead, Gary saw her glance back at him with a look in her eyes that he couldn't decipher.
And then, once more, he watched her walk away and out of his life.
