In Defense of Clare

Chapter 3: You Give Love a Bad Name

A Note from the Author: Here is the second part of the Cake chronicles. In this chapter, I continue to address the actions of everyone's favorite couple, Cake – particularly their behavior in those pesky episodes Don't Panic and Nowhere to Run.

Really, the only issue I take with the anti-Cake contingent is the tendency of some anti-Cake fans to demonize Clare for her involvement in Cake – as if choosing the cute, easygoing boy over the handsome but intrinsically damaged and dangerous boy makes her a bad person or unforgivably selfish. Seriously, when I was 15, I was barely mature enough to keep up with my geometry homework, let alone take on the hefty, emotional baggage of a mentally unstable boyfriend.

As far as I can tell, the two major complaints members of the anti-Clare camp seem to have against Clare (aside from her decision to go back to the dance) are that she told Jake that she loved him in front of Eli and that she "thought about" kissing Eli to get back at Jake. Considering the mitigating circumstances surrounding each of those instances, I don't really understand why Clare's behavior is viewed as so inexcusably reprehensible. But then, that could be just me. Sigh ….perhaps I am just too "pedestrian" to grasp the enormity of Clare's "betrayal" of Eli. ; )

A major fist bump to the classic, New Jersey rockers Bon Jovi whose power anthem "You Give Love a Bad Name" inspired this chapter title – and by inspired I mean I shameless appropriated said song title. It's a fitting soundtrack to the saga of Cake, considering that so many fans take issue with Clare and Jake's "love" for each other, such as it is. Give the song a listen. It may surprise you. Heck, it even made Barney's "Get Psyched Mix" on How I Met Your Mother. You can't argue with that.

Once again, I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters. I also do not own Law and Order.

The scene opens with close shot of Judge Dawes in her chambers. She is seated at her desk, head in her hands, breathing deeply. The camera pans to her glass-covered desktop. Amidst the detritus of her work day – the motions to be signed, the legal briefs to review, the Luna Bar wrapper from her hasty breakfast – stands a framed photograph. It is a photograph taken during one of her Advanced English 11 classes. In it, Clare Edwards sits, head bowed, pen poised, reviewing an essay, while her English partner, Eli Goldsworthy, looks at her, his own paper forgotten. It is a candid shot – neither party realizing that they are being watched and recorded. It tells of more innocent times – times before cars were crashed and hearts were broken.

Judge Dawes glances at the picture briefly, before standing abruptly and making her exit. The camera follows her as she strides down the hallway to the courtroom, determination marking her gait. The camera pulls back, as Dawes enters the courtroom. She barely acknowledges the crowd, all standing at attention. Pulling back her robe, she sits and reaches for her gavel. She bangs it once, twice … (Cue Law and Order Music).

"Mr. Edwards, you may continue your argument."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards acknowledged.

He walked over to Clare, who had again taken her seat in the witness box. "Ms. Edwards, now that we have established that your relationship with Mr. Martin was an abomination, let's address your malicious attempt to shove said abomination in the face of Mr. Goldsworthy at every possible opportunity."

"Wait? What?" Clare cried. "I didn't purposely try to hurt Eli by being with Jake."

"Come, come, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards scoffed. "You and Mr. Martin were, as you so charmingly put it, 'making out' at every opportunity – in the halls, in front of the school, in empty science classrooms. I think you traumatized that poor python for life," here he cupped his hand over his mouth and whispered to the jury, "not to mention millions of fans."

"Dad!" Clare turned to the jury box to explain. "We were affectionate," she admitted sheepishly. "Jake is a lot more physically demonstrative than Eli ever was. And, ironically, considering the strict PDA rules in place after Holly J's strip tease, school was the only place we could truly show our feelings for each other."

"Oh?" Mr. Edwards questioned, feigning ignorance. "Why was that?"

"Uh…." Clare stalled. "Well…you see…my mother and Jake's father had… started dating."

Shocked noises of revulsion filled the courtroom.

"Ms. Edwards!" Mr. Edwards admonished. "Did you not think to end your illicit relationship with Mr. Martin in the face of such shocking developments?"

"We didn't," Clare admitted, slightly embarrassed. "We decided we would keep our relationship secret instead."

"A secret relationship! For the love of all things holy! I don't know who you are, but you are certainly not my sweet, little, innocent Clarebear," Mr. Edwards intoned dramatically. "I can't believe that you would be so selfish, Clare – thinking of your own physical desires instead of your mother's happiness."

"Well, at the time, I didn't necessarily think that Mom and Glen's relationship should have taken precedence over my relationship with Jake. Besides," Clare pointed out testily, "you condemn me for moving on from Eli too quickly, but no one says anything about how quickly Mom moved on from you. Seriously," she turned to Judge Dawes, "is it even possible to get a divorce and legally remarry in the course of a few months?"

Judge Dawes simply winked at Clare and pointed to the "Whatever It Takes" banner hanging over the double doors of the courtroom.

"Back to my original argument, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards redirected. "You made it your mission to hurt Mr. Goldsworthy by constantly parading your new relationship in front of his face. The poor lad was broken and hurting, innocently minding his own business, while you reveled in his pain."

"You have got to be kidding me?" Clare remarked. "Who do you think I am? Voldemort? She who must not be named?"

Jake looked up in shock, a guilty expression on his face.

"There was no mission!" Clare continued. "I didn't try to purposely hurt Eli. In fact, I tried to honor my promise and stay away from him as much as I could. To tell the truth, I didn't really want to be around him. He had gone off of his medication and was acting unpredictably again."

She locked eyes with Mr. Edwards. "And you say that Eli was innocently minding his own business? He was writing a play about the dissolution of our relationship! He was airing our relationship drama in front of the entire school! And what's more, at that time, he was skewing the facts in his favor – making me out to be the naïve accomplice of a religious sociopath!"

"Geeze, Clare," Mr. Edwards shrugged, "Marisol was totally right. You really are a drama queen." He continued breezily, "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. So Mr. Goldsworthy wrote a play about you? You should be honored that such a talented and handsome playwright picked you for his muse."

The girls in the audience nodded emphatically, eyes alight with longing.

Clare gaped at them, speechless.

"Now let's talk about this play – Love Roulette, I believe it was called." Mr. Edwards paused, a look of admiration crossing his features. "It really is such a clever title - playing off of the Vegas Night incident, while simultaneously paying homage to the volatile death wish so intrinsic to the personalities of both the play's hero and our esteemed playwright." Smiling, Mr. Edwards continued, "You were covering the production for the school paper, is that correct, Ms. Edwards?"

"Yes," Clare replied flatly.

"What a thrilling, journalistic assignment! You must have been over the moon," Mr. Edwards gushed.

"Not really," Clare said tersely.

"But, Ms. Edwards, it's not often that we mere mortals get the first-hand experience of working so closely with such a creative genius as Mr. Goldsworthy." He paused thoughtfully and looked at Clare. "Will you briefly tell the jury what the play was about?"

"Well," Clare started hesitatingly, "it went through a number of different incarnations. But basically, it was about Eli and me and the drama that was our relationship." She swallowed uncomfortably.

"How thrilling for you, Clare!" Mr. Edwards cried. "Looking back, who would have thought that such a nerdy, little girl with braces and glasses would ever have a play written about her? Certainly not me! Now a play about Darcy I could understand – but a play about denim wearing, math tutoring, boring, old, 'Middle of the Road' Clare Edwards? It boggles the mind!"

"Dad," Clare interrupted, "it wasn't a GOOD thing. This may come as a shock to you, considering that you seem to have made yourself the president of the Eli Goldsworthy Fan Club, but I really was not comfortable with my private life being dramatized in front of the entire school – especially, when the facts were skewed to meet Eli's mood."

"Bitter – party of one, your table is ready," Mr. Edwards teased, ruffling Clare's hair.

The jury tittered in response, as Clare reached up to swat Mr. Edwards' hand away.

"Really, Clare, you act like it was major offense. But in reality, YOU were the only one who ever had an issue with Mr. Goldsworthy's play, isn't that correct?"

"Well… I think…Bullfrog … Fiona …maybe Chantay?…" Clare stuttered.

"No!" Mr. Edwards broke in. "Everyone else was extremely supportive and encouraging of Mr. Goldsworthy's theatrical masterpiece. In fact, even your new boyfriend," he winced as he said the word, "Mr. Martin, joined the play's support staff, isn't that right?"

"Yes," Clare admitted. "Jake needed some extra-curriculars so he helped build sets. But then, Eli recruited him to play the part of the villain, Fritz."

"Fritz? What an interesting choice of character name," Mr. Edwards thoughtfully observed. "It reminds me of something … but what? Wait a minute; it's on the tip of my tongue …"

"Dad, please," Clare noted, rolling her eyes. She turned to the jury, "Eli picked some really original character names for his play – Clara, Ari, and Fritz the villain, who later became Jack the villain." She shook her head disapprovingly. "Notice any real-life parallels?" she asked rhetorically.

Ignoring her question, Mr. Edwards countered with his own, "Well, if Mr. Martin was playing the villain, then who was the hero of the play, Ms. Edwards?"

Clare quietly steeled herself, focusing on a spot on the back wall. "Well, like I said, the play went through many different rewrites. I think that, in the original version that Eli wrote when he first stopped taking his medication, Ari was the hero, and Clara and Fritz were the villains. Then, he rewrote it so that Clara was the hero." She paused, a soft look overcoming her features, before swallowing nervously and continuing. "But then, something happened, and Eli started basing the villainous character of Jack on Jake. In fact, Jake ended up quitting the play or being fired from it after he and Eli had a confrontation about this."

"Quitter!" Mr. Edwards hissed venomously, looking directly at Jake.

"Dad!" Clare cried. "I'm not even sure that Jake quit. Eli may have fired him. I think it was a mutually desired parting."

"Whatever, Clare," Mr. Edwards argued. "Mr. Martin left the play DAYS before the curtain went up, in a desperate attempt to sabotage the entire show. Did you see Riley's performance as Jack? He almost ruined the whole production!" Mr. Edwards shook his head passionately. "I just thank God for Chantay's committed performance!"

He took some calming breaths before continuing. "Besides, why shouldn't there be parallels between the fictional Jack and Mr. Jake Martin? They are both undeniable villains!"

"What? Dad, you have got to be kidding. Jake isn't a villain. Where do you even come up with this stuff?"

"Oh, Ms. Edwards, please keep up," Mr. Edwards instructed with mock patience. "If Mr. Martin had originally pursued Alli Bhandari - if he had started dating Katie Matlin – if he had even strung you along and then left you heart broken, he wouldn't be considered a villain. However, he chose to make his casual relationship with you into a serious one, preventing the reunification of EClare and thus becoming Public Enemy Number Two." He winked at Clare. "You, Ms. Edwards, are, of course, Public Enemy Number One."

"Fuck my life," Clare mumbled, closing her eyes in frustration and disbelief.

Her lawyer winced and shook his head at her, silently reminding her to watch her language.

Ignoring her lawyer's disapproval, Clare locked eyes with her father. "You want to know villainous behavior, Dad? What about Eli trying to get Jake expelled by planting prescription medication in Jake's locker?"

"A completely false accusation," Mr. Edwards stated superciliously. "I will remind the jury that Mr. Goldsworthy did not, in fact, plant anything. Indeed, nothing suspicious was found in Mr. Martin's locker, aside from an autographed poster of Colonel Sanders." Mr. Edwards picked up a piece of paper and waved it at Clare. "I have Officer Turner's report right here."

"That's only because Imogen offered to plant the pills for Eli! And Imogen put the pills in my locker instead of in Jake's in order to get me out of the way!" Clare cried furiously. "So I was the one who was humiliated during the locker search! I was the one who had to face Simpson!"

"But who came to your rescue, Clare?" Mr. Edwards boomed. "Mr. Simpson was ready to throw the book at you, but someone saved you. Was it Mr. Martin? Oh no! He was nowhere to be found. It must have been chicken nugget day at the Caf. No, no -it was Mr. Elijah Goldsworthy!"

"But he was to blame in the first place!" Clare cried. "Eli didn't make some noble, chivalrous gesture when he admitted to Simpson that the pills were his. They were Eli's pills! He wanted to frame Jake to get Jake out of the way. Who does that? Seriously, what kind of person would frame Jake for a crime – an actual CRIME -just to break us up?"

Hands around the courtroom rose confidently. Judge Dawes started to raise her own hand before catching herself and playing it off as if she were waving to someone in the back of the room.

Clare sank back in her seat in defeat.

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards redirected, "even if we consider Mr. Goldsworthy's completely justified plan to break up you and Mr. Martin, that still doesn't give you the right to say what you did to Mr. Goldsworthy?"

"What are you talking about, Dad?" Clare questioned wearily.

"I'm referring to what you said to Mr. Goldsworthy when he tried to apologize to you for the pills. Could you please tell the court what you said to him?"

Clare shook her head, bringing her hands up to massage her temples. She turned to the jury. "Eli tried to apologize for the pill fiasco. He admitted that his plan was to plant the pills on Jake to get him out of the way." She looked up at the ceiling, as if asking for strength. "Eli was still off of his medication. He was behaving erratically. I couldn't have a conversation with him that didn't end with him snapping at me or making some wild allegation. He was laboring under the delusion that the two of us were going to get back together." Clare paused and took a deep breath, bolstering herself. "I had finally had enough; so I told Eli that the two of us were never going to be together again."

Shocked gasps and deep, heartfelt laments arose from the crowd of spectators.

Mr. Edwards closed his eyes, pain coloring his features.

Judge Dawes removed her glasses, her eyes misty with unshed tears.

"Oh, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards whispered hoarsely. "You have murdered hope."

Mr. Edwards paused to collect himself, holding his palms to his closed eyes, as if to stifle his tears. Taking a deep breath he continued and addressed the jury, "Is it any wonder then that Mr. Goldsworthy chose the ending he did for his dramatic masterpiece?" Mr. Edwards looked around the room at the spectators who were muted and numb in disappointment. "Is it any wonder that Mr. Goldsworthy burned his manuscript on stage? Is it any wonder that he proclaimed that there could be NO happy ending?"

He whirled around, turning to Clare in a rage. "You told him that you would never get back together with him! How could you do that to him? You knew he was unstable! You knew he loved you! You knew that your relationship with Mr. Martin was a sham! For once in your life, couldn't you have just sucked it up and put someone else first? Couldn't you have just reunited with Mr. Goldsworthy and saved us all this heartbreak?"

"No, Dad," Clare asserted herself shakily. "I couldn't. Eli was sick. Getting back together with him wouldn't have cured him." Her voice was strained but resolved. "In fact, if you look at it, my insistence that we would never get back together eventually caused Eli to break down and to talk to his father; and Bullfrog helped to convince Eli to go back on his medication and get further help." She steadied her voice, "It was a good thing, in the end."

"A good thing!" Mr. Edwards shrieked, his tone taking on that of a howler monkey. "You told Mr. Goldsworthy that there was no hope for EClare! You …. I… can't … I can't even look at you!" he cried in anguish, throwing up his hands in desperation.

"Mr. Edwards, do you need a minute?" Judge Dawes asked in concern.

"No thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards replied tearfully. "It's just… it's just… so unfair!" His face crumpled. "I just feel so badly for Mr. Goldsworthy. I just … I just… really love him."

"We all do," Judge Dawes affirmed sadly. "We all do."

Clare dropped her face into her palms.

After a strained minute of silence, Mr. Edwards spoke. "I apologize for my emotional outburst, Your Honor. It won't happen again." He took some deep, calming breaths.

"So to recap," he continued in a shaky voice, "Ms. Edwards, you told Mr. Goldsworthy that you would never be together, and Mr. Goldsworthy, with the help of his parents, went in search of better professional help for his mental condition."

"Yes," Clare whispered tiredly.

Finding his stride again, Mr. Edwards continued. "So does this mean that you and Mr. Martin's relation … ahem!..ship," he choked on the word, "blossomed without Mr. Goldsworthy there to keep the two of you in check with his deranged but totally justified schemes?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Dad," Clare retorted. "Jake and I definitely benefitted from the lack of drama."

"Oh really?" Mr. Edwards queried snidely. "So it was smooth sailing then, Princess?"

"Where are you going with this, Dad?" Clare questioned.

"You and your 'true love forever,' Mr. Martin, didn't have any major disputes?" Mr. Edwards inquired sarcastically.

"Not that I can remember," Clare offered perplexed.

"Hmmmm….. Do you mean to tell me, Ms. Edwards, that you and Mr. Martin didn't quibble over …. oh, let me just throw something out there …. movies?" Mr. Edwards' voice rose in pitch almost manically on the last word.

"Oh, yes," Clare remembered. "I guess we did argue about a movie. I had forgotten."

"Forgotten?" Mr. Edwards queried in disbelief. "Forgotten? Tell me, Ms. Edwards, how could you have forgotten such a serious argument? Is it not true that, in the episode entitled Don't Panic, you and Mr. Martin almost broke up because Mr. Martin didn't want to see a foreign film with you?"

"Um… actually, no," Clare answered. "We fought about the movie, sure. And, I'll admit I was pissed. At the time, I was having some doubts about whether Jake would stick by me when our parents found out about us dating. But we didn't almost break-up."

"How can you look at the jury and so boldly lie?" Mr. Edwards accused.

Clare opened her mouth to protest but was cut off.

"If you and Mr. Martin weren't at the precipice of a major break-up, why then was Mr. Goldsworthy so passionately intent on keeping you together? Why then did Mr. Goldsworthy befriend Mr. Martin? Why then did he build a sweat lodge with Mr. Martin on the Degrassi campus? Why then did Mr. Goldsworthy trap you and Mr. Martin in said sweat lodge and facilitate a couple's counseling session between the two of you? Why, Ms. Edwards, why?"

"I have no freakin' clue," Clare admitted. "I was completely blindsided." She turned to the jury. "Yes, Jake and I were in the middle of an argument, but it wasn't that big of a deal. Then the next thing I know, Eli and Fiona have trapped me in a sweat lodge—in a SWEAT LODGE!" She shook her head bemusedly. "I've been in a lot of crazy scenarios during my tenure at Degrassi, but the sweat lodge incident takes the cake." She grinned impishly, "No pun intended."

The courtroom groaned violently.

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards chastised. "I will caution you not to joke about something so offensively serious as Cake!" He brushed a piece of stray lint off of his collar. "To return to the sweat lodge …"

The crowd groaned again.

"I know, I know," Mr. Edwards apologized. "It's horrific. But we must face the horror if we are ever to attain justice. For," he continued, "it was in this sweat lodge that Clare Edwards committed one of her most serious crimes to date."

"What?" Clare cried. "I didn't commit a crime, unless you consider wearing a bright orange cardigan over a purple polo shirt a crime."

"Everyone considers that a crime, Princess," Mr. Edwards acknowledged, rolling his eyes. "But I am referring to the fact that, while in that sweat lodge, you told Mr. Martin that you loved him – in front of Mr. Goldsworthy!"

A mutinous cry erupted from the throng of spectators.

"… totally cruel…heartless..."

"How dare she?"

"What the fuck? You mean purple and orange aren't complementary colors?"

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes cried, banging her gavel.

"I… I… did tell Jake that I loved him," Clare admitted awkwardly when the crowd had settled. "But I don't really know why. I felt like Eli was prompting me to say it. I mean Eli came right out and said that Jake loved me. How would he even know that?" She threw up her hands in confusion. "I really have no excuse or logical explanation for my behavior or anyone else's behavior in that episode." Clare continued sheepishly, "I don't know why Eli made it his mission to help Jake get back in my good graces. I don't know why he trapped us in a sweat lodge while he acted like some deranged Dr. Phil. I don't know why Eli told me that Jake loved me."

She took a deep breath and steeled herself, "Look, I know I told Jake that I loved him in front of Eli; and I know that that was a completely callous and insensitive thing to do. But, no one was acting in character in that damn sweat lodge. We were all half delirious with the heat. Eli was acting like his greatest desire was to see Jake and me ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. I guess I just played into his delusion. I can't explain it." She looked over at the writers pleadingly, but, having lost wireless reception, they were currently engaged in a heated game of Boggle, the likes of which had not been seen since Sav Bhandari and Holly J. Sinclair ruled Degrassi.

"Your Honor," Clare's lawyer interjected. "I object to any piece of evidence put forth by my opponent based on my client's behavior in the episode entitled Don't Panic. All parties involved were acting out of character in that episode, particularly the prosecution's darling, Mr. Elijah Goldsworthy."

"Objection sustained," Judge Dawes ruled. She turned to the jury, "Even I had a problem with Don't Panic," the judge admitted. "And I thought that the ending of Love Roulette was totally legitimate."

"Fine," Mr. Edwards stated undaunted. He turned to Clare, fixing her with an icy stare. "But even if we allow that everyone was acting incredibly out of character in that episode, that still doesn't excuse the fact that you told Mr. Martin – MR. MARTIN – that you loved him! What do you have to say to that, Ms. Edwards?"

"What do you want me to say?" Clare asked heatedly. "I'm in high school! I read Fortnight and write bad fan fiction. My idea of love may be a little ill-informed."

"But you NEVER told Mr. Goldsworthy that you loved him on camera! And you LOVED Mr. Goldsworthy, with a love that transcended high school - with a love that made the angels weep - with a love …."

"Dad!" Clare interrupted. "I think you are being just a tad over dramatic. Besides, I told Fitz that I loved Eli."

"Not the same! Not the same!" Mr. Edwards shrieked.

"Look, Dad," Clare said, trying to calm Mr. Edwards down, "I'm sure that I told Eli that I loved him off camera. We did date for three months, and that's like seven years in the Degrassi Universe."

"Off camera! Off camera!" Mr. Edwards spit out, spraying a trajectory of saliva. "Clare, do you really expect us to accept that excuse? The truth is that you told Mr. Martin that you loved him ON CAMERA. You had a wet dream about Mr. Martin – ON CAMERA. You made out with Mr. Martin numerous times – once in a horizontal position—ON CAMERA. Do you know what the fans would have given to see you and Mr. Goldsworthy in a horizontal position? To see you have a wet dream about Mr. Goldsworthy? But no! Instead, you cruelly and maliciously shoved your relationship with Mr. Martin in the fans' faces, with no regard to their feelings."

He approached Clare wild eyed. "The fans kept saying that they didn't want Cake! We told you that Cake was making us sick! But you kept shoving Cake down our throats like some deranged wedding planner at a cake tasting appointment!"

Clare looked dazedly at Judge Dawes. "Am I seriously being vilified for making out with Jake and not making out ENOUGH with Eli?" she questioned incredulously.

Judge Dawes nodded solemnly.

"For the sake of everyone's sanity," Mr. Edwards broke in, breathing hard, "let's move past Don't Panic -a travesty of epic proportions, the likes of which has not been seen in the Degrassi Universe since Emma and Spinner woke up married to each other and chose to remain so." He shuttered in distaste. "Indeed, let's fast forward to the Degrassi prom."

He turned again to Clare, "Now I thought that dances had been banned at Degrassi after the knife incident with Mark Fitzgerald at Vegas Night?"

"Um… they had," Clare replied. "But, I guess they made an exception for prom."

"Well," Mr. Edwards offered, "I suppose that's understandable. I'm sure Mr. Simpson tightened security and made sure only students of Degrassi could attend. I know for a fact that Ms. Oh was the head chaperone, and I've heard that she keeps the students on a short leash."

"That's one way of putting it," Clare deadpanned.

"Now, Ms. Edwards, you were supposed to attend the prom with Mr. Martin, were you not?"

"Yes," Clare admitted.

"So then was it a junior/senior prom?" Mr. Edwards asked.

"Um…. maybe?" Clare questioned.

"But if it were a junior/senior prom, why was Mr. Goldsworthy forced to go as a waiter?"

"I have no idea," Clare shrugged. "Actually, why Eli wanted to go to a 'banal' school dance, in the first place, I'll never know." She turned to the jury, "And people accuse me of being inconsistent and acting out of character!"

"Ms. Edwards, I will remind you to limit your commentary to your responses to my questions," Mr. Edwards warned.

"Now, before you were to attend the prom with Mr. Martin, you received some very distressing news," Mr. Edwards continued.

"Yes," Clare stated flatly.

"What was that news, Ms. Edwards?"

"Well … um… our parents …. Jake's dad and my mom …. told us that they were getting married."

The courtroom bubbled with revulsion.

"…..horrifying!"

"disgusting….."

"…incest!"

"So let me get this straight, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards challenged. "Your mother was going to marry Mr. Martin's father; thus, if you and Mr. Martin continued your clandestine affair, you would be essentially dating your step-brother."

"Yes," Clare whispered.

"So then Cake really is an abomination - in more ways than one," Mr. Edwards declared gleefully.

"No! " Clare cried. "Jake and I are not related. It wouldn't be incest!"

"Close enough," Mr. Edwards drawled. "But, back to my original line of questioning, what did you do when you found out that your mother was going to marry Mr. Martin's father?"

"I was angry," Clare admitted. "I told Mom that she was moving too fast."

"Does your selfishness know no bounds?" Mr. Edwards cried. "After weeks – WEEKS – of loneliness, your mother had finally found someone with whom to share her life. No longer would she be forced to come home to an empty, cold house drunk and giddy at 4:00 in the morning. She would have a family again – a real family – a family to put on a wedding cake. But you didn't care! You couldn't push aside your own wants, needs, and concerns- even for your mother. No, no, Clare Edwards had to share her disapproval because Clare Edwards only cares about Clare Edwards!"

"Dad, you and Mom had just divorced. Part of me still hoped for reconciliation," Clare interjected tearfully. "I was fifteen. I still dreamed that you and Mom would work things out and that Darcy would come home. I still dreamed that things would go back to the way that they were before—when we were all together and happy."

She stopped to steady her voice, "Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you both date other people? Do you know how hard it was for me to reconcile what you had taught me – what the Church had taught me – what the Bible had taught me – with the fact that you were unfaithful and that Mom was coming home tipsy at 4:00 in the morning? And then everyone just expected me to welcome a new man into my life as a step-father because it made my mother happy—because we all looked good together on a wedding cake? You had just signed the divorce papers, and mom was jumping into marriage with another man! Yet I'm the one at fault because I told Mom she was moving too quickly?" Her voice rose incredulously.

"Yes, Clare, haven't you caught on by now?" Mr. Edwards rolled his eyes. "You are the one at fault. You are always the one at fault." He approached the witness stand.

"So, what was the outcome of this marriage announcement?" Mr. Edwards queried.

"Well, Mom freaked out when I told her Jake and I were dating," Clare stated. "She told us that we needed to break up."

"A very wise woman," Mr. Edwards commented. "What did Mr. Martin have to say about the whole situation?"

"Jake seemed… resigned to the situation," Clare admitted. "At first, he thought we could still date – that we could find a way to make everyone happy." She looked at Jake softly. "Say what you want about Jake, but he has a good heart."

Mr. Edwards huffed sarcastically.

"However," Clare continued, "I knew that there was no way to make everyone happy. I told Jake that we had to stop the wedding."

"And how did Mr. Martin react to this horribly selfish, diabolical plan?" Mr. Edwards questioned.

"He said that he wanted his dad to be happy and that it would be better for us just to break-up. He decided to spend the summer at his cabin."

"So he broke up with you?" Mr. Edwards clarified.

"He broke up with me," Clare repeated dejectedly, "at prom."

The entire courtroom burst into wild applause. Spectators rose to their feet in a standing ovation, some crying with happiness.

Clare looked out at them confused.

"And yet," Mr. Edwards continued, waving his arms to quiet down the crowd, "unfortunately, this isn't the end of the story." He paused to survey the jury, before turning to Judge Dawes.

"Your Honor, at this time, I'd like to discuss the events of the episode appropriately titled Nowhere to Run. The prosecution will prove that, in this episode, Clare Edwards acted so completely out of character that there is no possible chance of her character ever being redeemed."

Clare's head snapped up, as shocked gasps filled the courtroom.

"Wait!" Clare cried. "What are you talking about? I didn't do anything horrible in that episode."

"Oh, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards laughed. "You are simply too hilarious for words."

He paused to look at his notes. "Shall we start at the beginning? Yes, let's do just that. Ms. Edwards, let me take you back to the time just before the wedding of your mother and Glen Martin. You and Alli Bhandari were in your room, as you prepared yourself for the ceremony."

"Yes," Clare admitted carefully.

"Now, Ms. Bhandari desperately wanted to speak to you about her troubles with her boyfriend, Mr. Dave Turner, did she not?"

"Um…yes," Clare stated. "I think so."

"You think so, Ms. Edwards?" Mr. Edwards cried. "If you had taken two minutes out of your busy life to listen to poor Mrs. Bhandari, you would have known for sure."

"Um… OK?" Clare stated, looking at her father quizzically. "Dad, where is this going?"

"Ms. Edwards, is it true that you called Ms. Bhandari's problems 'pedestrian' and spoke to her in a condescending tone?"

"Well, yes, Clare admitted sheepishly. "But it wasn't a big deal."

"It wasn't a big deal?" Mr. Edwards questioned in disbelief. "Poor Ms. Bhandari needed advice from her best friend – a friend, I will remind you, who had always put Ms. Bhandari's problems before her own, in days past. And yet, this time when Ms. Bhandari needed your advice about a crucial 'boyfriend/texting' issue, you cruelly mocked her." Mr. Edwards shook his head sadly. "I call 'out of character,' Ms. Edwards. I call 'out of character.'"

"Look it wasn't my finest moment," Clare argued defensively. "But my mother, your ex-wife, was minutes away from remarrying. The ink wasn't even dry on your divorce papers. I was still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the two of you were never getting back together. And, to add insult to injury, she was going to marry the father of my ex-boyfriend – with whom I was forced to break-up so as not to mess up the family dynamic. And, as I was trying to psych myself up to face my ex who would momentarily be my step-brother, Alli starts bugging me about Dave not texting her back quickly enough."

"Yes, yes," Mr. Edwards urged impatiently, "but you do admit to referring to her problems as 'pedestrian' and in a condescending tone?"

"Yes, but I hardly think that constitutes me acting out of character. If you go back and examine my interactions with Alli, I usually make some kind of sarcastic, condescending comment to her high school drama queen ways."

"But, Ms. Edwards, prior to the incident in question, you had never made one of these sarcastic, condescending comments while simultaneously being 'in love' with Jake Martin, had you?" Mr. Edwards questioned with a grimace.

"Um … no. I guess not. Does that make a difference?"

"Does that make a difference? Oh, Ms. Edwards, you slay me," Mr. Edwards laughed.

"I don't know what the big deal is," Clare pointed out, still confused at the turn of events. "This is Degrassi. Everyone makes sarcastic, condescending comments. Eli is this king of the condescending comments. Don't you remember him calling dances 'banal' and referring to me as 'Clare middle of the road Edwards'?"

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards cut her off sharply, "I will caution you to remember that Eli Goldsworthy is not on trial. Eli Goldsworthy has never been on trial. And, as I live and breathe, Eli Goldsworthy will never be on trial!"

The courtroom again erupted into spontaneous applause which Judge Dawes basked in for a few minutes before quieting the room down with the bang of her gavel.

Mr. Edwards turned towards the jury, "Ladies and gentleman, I urge you to remember this grievous wrong Ms. Edwards committed against Ms. Bhandari, as you listen to the upcoming testimony."

He turned back to Clare, "Now, Ms. Edwards, after the wedding, is it true that Mr. Martin tried to reconcile with you, admitting that he still ….l..lo…" Mr. Edwards swallowed, a cold sweat breaking out over his face, "…loved you?"

"Yes," Clare whispered. "But it was hard enough to get over him the first time. I told him that I didn't want to start anything again."

"Putting aside the obvious falsehood that it would be 'hard' to 'get over' Mr. Martin when we all know that your relationship with him was an empty, hollow sham," Mr. Edwards broke in, "how did Mr. Martin react to your proclamation?"

"He left," Clare stated dully. "He decided to throw a party at his cabin and not invite me."

"Well, really, Clarebear, can you blame him?" Mr. Edwards taunted. "Seriously, who would want to be around a whiney, selfish, condescending character such as yourself?"

"Certainly, not you, Dad," Clare replied bitingly, "since I hadn't seen you since Umbrella."

Mr. Edwards whirled around and pounded his fist against the prosecution's table. "But you decided to crash Mr. Martin's party anyway, didn't you, Ms. Edwards?" he cried.

"Well, Bianca talked me into crashing," Clare admitted self-consciously. "And, if it's any consolation, I was really sorry I crashed once we got to the cabin."

"Oh really," Mr. Edwards drawled, his voice high-pitched with interest. "Why is that?"

"Because I found Alli and Jake kissing by the campfire."

Shocked gasps filled the courtroom.

"What?" Mr. Edwards cried feigning astonishment. "Your 'super perfect' BF who made you 'feel good' and wasn't 'emotionally unstable' was kissing your best friend? Whatever did you do?"

"I ran," Clare admitted. "I took off. I just couldn't be there another minute. I couldn't listen to their excuses. I ran off into the woods. It wasn't my smartest move, but I plead temporary insanity in this case."

"Ms. Edwards!" Mr. Edwards intoned solemnly. "Let me make this crystal clear before you humiliate yourself further. The only one who can plead temporary insanity is Mr. Goldsworthy. Nobody does temporary insanity like Mr. Goldsworthy does temporary insanity. No one can even come close. In fact, Judge Dawes is considering changing the official name of the temporary insanity plea to the Eli Goldsworthy plea – that's how much Mr. Goldsworthy owns temporary insanity. I will caution you to remember that." He looked down at his notes briefly. "And speaking of Mr. Goldsworthy, please tell the court the events that transpired when you were lost in the woods."

"Um… well, I got really lost. It was dark by that time and very cold," Clare stated. "I kept trying to get cell reception so that I could call Jake or Bianca to come and find me, but I had no luck. And then I tripped and cut my hand- badly. I didn't know what to do or where to go."

"But, luckily, someone came to your rescue," Mr. Edwards put forth. "Isn't it true that after taking a bus to some random, rural, stop and then riding his bike the rest of the way in the cold, dark, Canadian wilderness, Mr. Goldsworthy arrived to save the day?"

"Yes," Clare said softly, a smile on her face. "Eli found me."

"And you two shared a moment?"

"I guess you could say that," Clare admitted. "He gave me his jacket and examined my hand."

"And … and…?" Mr. Edwards urged eagerly. The spectators all leaned forward in their seats in anticipation.

"And then Jake found us."

The entire courtroom groaned defeatedly and sank back down in disappointment.

"Jake took me back to the cabin and bandaged my hand," Clare continued. "We talked. He told me … he told me that he still loved me."

"God, Clare," Mr. Edwards chastised. "And you bought that? You saw him kiss your best friend, for Christ's sake!"

"He told me that Alli had kissed him," Clare explained defensively.

"Oldest excuse in the book," Mr. Edwards drawled. "I ought to know."

Mr. Edwards steepled his fingers together in front of his mouth thoughtfully. "But let's consider for a minute this new development." He paced back and forth, his eyes alight. "Ms. Edwards, you admitted that you shared a moment – a beautiful moment—with Mr. Goldsworthy. Yet, at the first sight of Mr. Martin, you abandon Mr. Goldsworthy to go off with Mr. Martin, even though Mr. Martin had cheated on you with your best friend?"

"I…" Clare started.

"Let me finish!" Mr. Edwards boomed. "Mr. Martin gives you some inane excuse about Ms. Bhandari throwing herself at him and tells you that he loves you, and you get back together with him? Mr. Martin puts on his sad, little, puppy dog face, and you completely disregard the progress that you and Mr. Goldsworthy have made towards the reunification of EClare? Mr. Martin flashes his endearingly sexy, lumberjack smile, and you entirely discount the two magical moments you and Mr. Goldsworthy have shared since the blessed Cake break-up – and here, I am referring to the moment in the hospital after Mr. Torres was shot and the time in the forest when Mr. Goldsworthy gave you his jacket?" He paused, breathing hard, "Sweet Merciful Crap, Clarebear! How out of character can you get?"

"Objection!" Clare's lawyer called, waking from his stupor. "I'd like to remind the court that Clare Edwards is a teenage girl, and thus, by definition, incredibly stupid when it comes to boy drama."

"Objection sustained," Judge Dawes ruled, thinking fondly of all the teenage girls she had taught over the years.

Surprisingly unaffected, Mr. Edwards switched tactics. "Ms. Edwards, did Ms. Bhandari approach you the next morning wanting to apologize?"

"Yes," Clare admitted.

"What was your response to such a generous request?"

"She kissed Jake. I didn't want to hear her apologies," Clare said acidly.

"Oh aren't we high and mighty, all of a sudden?" Mr. Edwards mocked. "Yet, isn't it true that Ms. Bhandari was perfectly within her rights to kiss Mr. Martin considering that you had so condescendingly called her problems 'pedestrian' earlier in the episode?'"

"Wait?" Clare sputtered. "Are you trying to equate Alli kissing Jake with my choice of adjective in describing Alli's texting problems? Are you trying to say that I deserved to witness my best friend kissing my ex-boyfriend –the ex-boyfriend whom I still wasn't over—because I was snarky to Alli?"

"Yes, Clare," Mr. Edwards stated emphatically. "I think you got exactly what you deserved."

The jury nodded encouragingly.

"Besides, the fact that you still weren't over Mr. Martin is a joke. Seriously, Clare, you dated for three minutes."

"We did not!" Clare cried. "And who are you to judge my relationship? You aren't exactly the expert on committed, monogamous relationships, you know."

Judge Dawes banged her gavel, "Ms. Edwards, as much as I admire your chutzpah, this is the final time I will caution you. Your father isn't on trial here."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards acknowledged.

He turned back to Clare, "Now putting aside the fact that you broke the fans' hearts by turning your back on Mr. Goldsworthy and getting back together with Mr. Martin -putting aside the horror that the fans felt at the return of the abomination known as Cake – putting aside your completely unjust decision to forgive Mr. Martin for the kiss but not to forgive Ms. Bhandari -putting aside all of that, there is still one appalling detail that we have yet to discuss from this episode." He paused for effect, then spun around and locked eyes with Clare.

"Is it true, Ms. Edwards, that you told Mr. Martin that you 'thought about' kissing Mr. Goldsworthy to 'get back' at Mr. Martin?"

Clare's eyes flew to Jake, sitting in the front row. He hung his head, refusing to meet her eye.

"Uh… yes. I did. I did say I had thought about it," she admitted softly.

"But you, Ms. Edwards, knew that Mr. Goldsworthy was unstable. You knew that he had, what some would call, an unhealthy obsession with you. And you knew that if you had used him in this grievous manner, he could have relapsed and written another play about you."

"I .. I didn't consider that he could have written another play," Clare stammered, shuttering at the idea of a Love Roulette Part Deux. "But I didn't go through with it - I didn't try to kiss Eli. I truly wouldn't play with his emotions like that." She rubbed her burning eyes wearily. "I shouldn't have even considered kissing Eli. I was just so incredibly mad and hurt that Jake and Alli were kissing. Just the fact that Alli would have agreed to go to Jake's cabin party, knowing that Jake wasn't inviting me, killed me. And then to see them kissing – I just lost it, I guess. Again, not my finest moment, but I didn't act on that idea."

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards mused," is it safe to say that you have not, in fact, had many 'fine moments' this season?"

Clare could feel the blood rushing up to her face. Try as she might, she couldn't control the comeback, "Oh, I don't know, Dad, I guess you could say that. But I'm confused. Are you the pot or the kettle in the scenario?"

Indignant gasps rang throughout the courtroom.

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes called. She turned to Clare, "Ms. Edwards, I warned you."

"It's OK, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards broke in, condescendingly waving away Clare's insult. "I am finished with this witness," he said dismissively, smirking at Clare. He then dramatically turned to the jury to give his closing statement.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is clear that the prosecution has proven, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Clare Edwards has acted completely out of character this past year – breaking-up with the man of her dreams; callously leaving him in the hospital to attend some lame Degrassi dance; moving on into the arms of another man immediately after her break-up; moving way too quickly with said new man; telling said new man that she loved him ON CAMERA and in front of Mr. Goldsworthy; making-out with said new man at every opportunity; 'thinking about' kissing Mr. Goldsworthy to make said new man jealous; getting back together with said new man even after he became her step-brother and kissed her best friend." He stopped and turned to Clare, a fabricated look of regret coloring his features.

"The prosecution has also proven that Clare Edwards has consistently acted, in the words of the fans, like a 'bitchy, whiny, selfish drama queen.' She has constantly put her own wants and needs above others' wants and needs– not sticking by Mr. Goldsworthy in his time of need, even though she PROMISED him that she would NEVER leave him; not supporting her mother's new marriage; not supporting Mr. Goldsworthy's brilliant play; not listening to her best friend's vital boyfriend/texting problems."

He shook his head sadly. "What it boils down to, ladies and gentlemen, is that Clare Edwards has become a joke - a joke who needs a swift kick in the petard or a punch in the face."

Mr. Edwards paused and sighed remorsefully. "It pains me to say it, but it must be said. Clare Edwards has become the single most insufferable character ever to roam the halls of Degrassi, and I am including Derek in this scenario."

Murmurs of assent filled the courtroom, along with a smattering of applause and few emphatic "amens" from members of the Jesus Club in attendance.

Mr. Edwards turned to the judge. "Your Honor, the prosecution rests." He returned to the prosecution's table and confidently sat down, leaving Clare shell-shocked and silent on the witness stand.

"Mr. Public Defender?" Judge Dawes queried.

"I think…," Clare's lawyer rose to address the court, "I think that my client has done an excellent job of defending herself. I have no further questions for her." He smiled encouragingly at Clare, who was still sitting motionless in the witness box.

"However, in closing, I would just like to remind the jury of a few key points."

He turned to the jury, "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to remind you that Clare Edwards is not and has never been some paragon of saintliness. She is a teenage girl – a teenage girl with hopes and needs and desires - a teenage girl with faults and shortcomings. She is human, ladies and gentlemen. She is not, despite all of the FanFiction stories to the contrary, an angel. Thus, except for the sweat lodge incident, in which all of the characters involved acted bizarrely, Clare Edwards has not acted 'out of character.' She stood by Mr. Goldsworthy through his grief, through his hoarding, and through his paranoia. Not many fifteen year old girls, when faced with the REALITY of a mental illness, would have stuck around, regardless of how cute the boy with the mental illness was. Yet she stood by him until he CRASHED HIS CAR in a desperate endeavor to prevent her from leaving him. She attempted to talk to Mr. Goldsworthy about the break-up – to attain a sense of closure for both of them – but he did not want to talk. So she moved on." He paused to lock eyes with the jury forewoman.

"Yes, the mighty Clare Edwards moved on," he continued. "She did not develop a drug problem; she did not dye her hair blond; she did not become a cage fighter; she did not even start collecting plastic bracelets at the Ravine. She simply started a relationship with an extremely cute, high school boy from a good family. Their relationship was casual in the beginning but morphed, like so many relationships do, into something more serious. Yes, she and Mr. Martin exchanged 'I love yous' fairly early on in their relationship. However, I must remind you that this is the Degrassi Universe. A week here is equal to approximately seven months in real time. And even if this love that Jake Martin and Clare Edwards shared wasn't true love, how can you vilify them for it? This is high school, people! Clare Edwards and Jake Martin did not commit a crime by saying that they were in love. If superficial, high school love was a crime, we'd be forced to arrest three quarters of the teenage population – and certainly all of the students of Degrassi."

He paused here to point at Clare. "Ladies and gentlemen, Clare Edwards is a good person." He raised his hand in a cautionary gesture. "Now, understand that I did not say that she is a perfect person. She is not – no one is - certainly no one on Degrassi. And Clare Edwards has had to deal with some pretty life changing issues this past year: the divorce of her parents; an unstable boyfriend suffering from OCD and a bipolar condition; the public dramatization of her private relationship in a school play; her mother's remarriage; her boyfriend becoming her step-brother; her best friend's betrayal." He paused to look at the jury members. "Can you really blame her for being upset? – for rebelling?—for not always making the right decision?"

"Actually," Clare's lawyer paused thoughtfully," if you think about it, Clare Edwards has handled herself pretty damn well when you consider that she was a fifteen, and is now a sixteen year old, sheltered, Christian girl. Is it tragic that her relationship with Eli Goldsworthy ended the way that it did? Yes, of course. But, ladies and gentlemen, that relationship had to end – for the sanity of both parties involved. Did Ms. Edwards start a relationship with Mr. Martin to purposely hurt Mr. Goldsworthy and the fans? No, of course not. Clare Edwards started dating Mr. Martin because she was attracted to him and because he helped her to move on from Eli Goldsworthy. She did what most people do after a major break-up, she rebounded. Did she give more importance and weight to this rebound relationship with Mr. Martin than it deserved? Perhaps, but, again, this is not a crime. And really, ladies and gentlemen, if it made Ms. Edwards and Mr. Martin happy, how can we fault them?" He stopped and took a deep breath.

"When it comes down to it, Ms. Edwards didn't treat anyone maliciously. She stuck by Mr. Goldsworthy until it became impossible to do so. She was amazingly accepting of Mr. Goldsworthy's play which, at times, completely slandered her character. Yes, she was concerned, and rightly so, that her mother was moving on from the divorce too quickly. Yet, Clare ultimately supported her mother's remarriage, even at the expense of her own relationship with Mr. Martin. Now granted, she didn't immediately forgive Alli Bhandari for kissing Mr. Martin, but Ms. Bhandari was her best friend. I don't think any of us would be so quick to forgive our best friend for crossing that particular line." One of the female jury members looked away, a tear falling down her cheek.

Clare's lawyer began slowly pacing in front of the jury box. "So let's address the final charges against my client's character. Did Clare Edwards think about kissing Eli Goldsworthy to make Mr. Martin jealous? Yes, she admitted that she did. However, she didn't go through with it. She was hurt and betrayed and let a vengeful thought run through her head. But, she didn't ACT on it. How many of us have ever thought about doing something that we knew was wrong? Something that we knew would hurt or humiliate another person?" He looked around at the jury, most of whom were looking down, refusing to meet his gaze. "Why then are we not facing charges? Why should Clare Edwards be condemned for doing what we all, at times, have done?"

"And what about Ms. Edwards decision to forgive Mr. Martin for kissing her best friend?" Clare's lawyer continued. "Clare Edwards chose to believe Mr. Martin's excuse that Ms. Bhandari kissed him. She chose to believe him when he said that he still had feelings for her – that he still loved her. Is this so shocking? As I have stated over and over again, Clare Edwards is a teenage girl. And because of her sheltered, religious upbringing, she has been raised to believe the best in people - a trait, for which Ms. Edwards has been praised, until recently. Mr. Martin claimed that Ms. Bhandari kissed him. Ms. Bhandari admitted that she kissed Mr. Martin in her apology to Ms. Edwards. And faced with this seemingly consistent evidence, Ms. Edwards chose to believe Mr. Martin. Now, you may think Ms. Edwards' decision to forgive Mr. Martin is hopelessly naïve or even ridiculously stupid, but it certainly is not out of character."

"What it comes down to," Clare's lawyer argued, "is that people are so disappointed that Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy did not live happily ever after, that they have turned their ire against Clare Edwards. However, Clare is not some 'whiny, bitchy drama queen.' She has not, with one exception, acted out of character. Indeed, she has been acting like a typical, teenage girl who is going through a very rough time."

Clare's lawyer stopped his pacing, leaning against the jury partition, "Ladies and gentlemen," he continued sincerely, "it really all comes down to you. Clare Edwards' fate is in your hands. You must look at all of the testimony presented here- at all of the mitigating circumstances that surround these accusations, and you must rise above. You must rise above the anger and bitterness you feel over the dissolution of EClare. You must rise above the hyperbolic rhetoric that Randall Edwards has tried to feed you. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, YOU MUST RISE ABOVE and declare Clare Edwards NOT GUILTY."

He turned to Judge Dawes who was clandestinely wiping a tear off of her cheek. "Your Honor, the Defense rests."

Judge Dawes turned to Clare. "Ms. Edwards, you may step down."

In a daze, Clare stepped down from the witness stand and numbly returned to her seat at the defense table.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," Judge Dawes addressed the jury box. "It is now time for you to deliberate. You will retire to the jury room until you have reached a clear decision on this case. In the event you do not reach a clear decision, the outcome will be a hung jury, and I will be forced to declare a mistrial. In your deliberations, if you require a record of the testimony heard in this case or wish to examine any of the evidence, it will be made available to you." She banged her gavel officially. "I declare this court adjourned until the time a verdict is reached."