Again, I'm sorry for my shit grammer. I just want to post these up.


"We are not allowed to linger, even with what is most intimate"-Rilke


Wednesday, December 17

Christmas in 8 days. First time without Ichi.

Thursday, December 18

7 days.

Yuzu drags me and Karin Christmas shopping. I freeze up when we get to the mall and feel sick to my stomach. I puke in the men's bathroom. We leave before Yuzu can look into a single store.

Friday, December 19

6 days.

I feel bad about yesterday. I try and make it up to Yuzu by baking gingerbread men with her but the scent is sickening. Yuzu smiles at me and tells me it's okay. She can finish by herself. I start my sluggish trek up the stairs but not before I see a little broken smile on her face that kills me on the inside.

I stay in bed for the rest of the day.

Saturday, December 20

5 days.

Karin yelled at me for being an inconsiderate bastard. She heard Yuzu crying in her room and knew it was because of me. I stared blank faced at her. She punched me. I didn't stop her. I have a bruise the size of an apple on my cheek.

Sunday, December 21

4 days.

The bruise is turning purple. Isshin asked me about it. I told him I tripped and fell into the desk. He didn't believe me.

Monday, December 22

3 days.

I keep the blinds closed because every time I look outside there's millions of little multicolored lights hanging everywhere. Choking trees and bushes. Dripping down from roofs. They remind me of lightening bugs, just with different colored lights.

Tuesday, December 23

2 days.

I'm alone in the house. First time. I hope I don't do anything stupid.


In the falling snow

A laughing boy holds out his palms

Until they are white

-Robert Wright


Wednesday, December 24

1 day.

I had a dream about Ichigo.

He was outside.

It was snowing.

The ground was covered in ice and slush. I could only stare at him in silence as he spread his palms up to the sky and stuck his tongue out to catch white snowflakes in his mouth. I watched him watch the snow drift down for a full two minutes before he saw me. He smiled that crooked smile meant only for me that crinkled the corners of his eyes and made them shine like melted caramel. He beckoned me to him with a gloved hand. Before I could take a single step Ichigo pointed up at the sky in wonder. I looked up to where he was pointing to see a shooting star rocket from one end to the other of the blue blanketed night, slicing a path through the stars. I realized it was night time and when I looked back to look at Ichigo he smiled sadly at me with guilt in his eyes and waved before a sudden rough wind blew and he dissolved into white snow. There is only dirty puddles of water left from where he stood. I stand there, not able to move. I'm frozen in place.

I look down at my hands and see them start to turn blue and black. My fingers start breaking off one by one. I see my distorted reflection on one of the dirty puddles and see that my lips are going blue and patches of black are blooming on my face.

I don't feel anything as I break apart piece by rotten piece.

Thursday, December 25

I can't breathe.

It's Christmas.

I want to stay here and sleep and never wake up.

Christmas seems big and fake and shiny. Ichigo loved Christmas. He would get a gift for every single person we knew. Considerate gifts, not cheap, last minute gifts that I probably would have bought. I never got him a gift like that though. Or his family. I loved them too much to do that. Huh. I've never said love as much as I've written it in here. I wish that I could tell him that I love him now. I wish that I had told him I loved him more often. I think though, that he always knew.

It still hurts to breath.

Friday, December 26

Yuzu got me a stress ball for Christmas.

"You use it when you're nervous or angry" she told me with a serious expression.

Isshin gave me Ichigo's necklace that belonged to his mother's. He wore it everyday. I try to tell him that I don't deserve this but he won't take no for an answer. It's tucked underneath my shirt, nestled in between the hollow of my collarbone.

Karin didn't get me anything.

I'm such an asshole.

I didn't get them anything.

Yuzu and Isshin say it's okay but that just makes me feel worse.

It's not okay. Ichigo would have smacked me by now if I had done this when he was

I wish I had gotten them something.

Saturday, December 27

I can taste the acid in the back of my throat. It burns a little and I imagine that inside my body a hurricane is slamming all of my organs around and leaving them deserted in a random place. My heart floating in my stomach, my intestines somehow got wrapped around my lungs, my liver nestled into the crook of my ribs, my brain squished into my left leg.

Sunday, December 28

I don't want to

I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

It hurts too much.

Why won't it stop?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Someone.

Anyone.

Make it stop.

Please.

Monday, December 29

There called panic attacks.

Definition: A sudden overpowering feeling of fear or anxiety that prevents somebody from functioning, often triggered by a past or present source of anxiety.

I looked it up.

I don't remember any of it.

Isshin told me I started to hyperventilate, screaming to make it stop and then I started clawing at my chest. He had Yuzu and Karin get out before I went crazy and broke the table. He held me down so I wouldn't hurt myself. I'm pretty weak now so it wasn't difficult as it would have been before.

All I remember is the blackness and a wrenching burning. Burning in my chest that spread outwards, eating my insides.

Tuesday, December 30

I can't look at Yuzu or Karin. I feel so useless.

Wednesday, December 31

Yuzu and Isshin forced me to get up and eat something. I couldn't hold it in and puked before hiding under the bed sheets.

I'm never warm enough anymore. It's always cold.

I hate making them disappointed in me. I hate seeing Yuzu and Karin's faces fall like that. Well, really more like Yuzu is the one who gets sad and Karin glares at me with resentment. I think Karin's given up on me. That's ok. I'm okay with that. I deserve it. After all, if it hadn't been for me he might still be here.

Later that day

I forgot. It's New Years Eve.

It's been six months.