It's one of those hot, sticky nights where the air and your blood and your breath are all the same unbearable temperature so you're just uncomfortably existing in skin that feels too tight. A hot sweaty night perfect for hot sweaty sex. My body writhes in the empty bed, subconsciously twists towards the body that isn't there. Sweat trickles down my arms so that when I close my eyes I can pretend its not sweat making its way down my leg, but his finger. Covers lay abandoned on the floor, discarded in a frustrated struggle. I didn't feel any less exposed with them on any way.

The cold kitchen tiles are a welcome contrast to the humid carpet of the bedroom as I pad across them and pour myself a drink of ice cold water, savouring the pain as it flies down my burning throat and temporarily freezes the acid in my knotted stomach. My eyes tingle as I splash the water on my face, stoop over the sink face in hands and let out an exasperated sigh

"Daddy?" The small voice in the dark startles me as I spin round and see my daughter; beautiful and bleary eyed standing in the hall. My eyes fall upon the teddy she's clutching; a polar bear with a tiara and I swear I can still hear the carols, smell the cookies, see the smiles from that Christmas glistening in the dark kitchen. I scoop Leah into my arms and sit her on the work top. "What you doin up, princess?"

A tiny crinkle appears on her forehead as she reaches out a tiny hand and fixes my fringe which is dishevelled from the tossing and turning. . I thought he was the only one who did that. Sometimes it's easy to forget she's not his biological daughter. Or mine,.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah..me neither". I can't remember the last time I slept properly.

"Where's Daddy Brendan?" Leah's words seep into the room like tear gas, soaking into my bones and paralysing me until all I can do is stare at her and suffocate on words that I can't expect our beautiful little girl to understand. I hold her closer and smooth her glowing hair, taking a minute just to inhale her and appreciate being able to hug her again.

"Daddy Brendan's go..he's had to go away for a little while." She looks up at me, eyes huge and trusting and a look of understanding flitters across them.

"Like Doug did?" She's all too familiar with being left and I squeeze her tighter, trying to convey just how sorry I am for all of this without using words.

"Erm yeah…Sort of…Daddy Brendan…he didn't want to leave." It hurts to even think about him and his name scalds my tongue. "He loved you… very much." I know he didn't know you for very long but he did, okay?" She nods. "He would have done anything for us; you, me and Lucas. We were his family. We are his family. And nothing will ever change that."

Leah's eyes fill with tears but she nods again and throws her arms around my neck and clings to me as though she's scared that if she ever lets go then she'll lose me as well. "I love him too, Daddy." she mumbles into my neck. Then we're both crying, shaking and sobbing in the middle of the kitchen and I wish more than anything that he was there to to kiss it better, to wipe our tears, plaster up our hearts and sing to us until we calmed down.

She eventually stills and I pull back gently to see that's fallen asleep on my shoulder. As if I was handling a china doll, I carefully carry her to her bed, tuck her in and lie down beside her. There's not enough room but she snuggles up to me and for the first time since I lost him, I don't feel utterly alone as I fall asleep.


They've grown. I didn't notice it so much yesterday in the dark, didn't think it was possible that they could have changed so much in so little time but they have. Leah's hair is longer, luminous blonde like her mum's. Lucas has had his cut, it's less of a floppy mess now, more fashionable but I miss being able to ruffle my fingers through it. Lucas is taller too and Leah's lost weight and I try not to worry that it's because Amy isn't feeding her right, or that she's ill or stressed about something, reminder myself that it's normal for children to stretch and shrink as they get older but it's just another painful reminder that I'm not there to see her grow. Lucas has a tiny scratch on his knee and I can't help but wonder who was there to kiss it better, to wipe his tears and put a plaster on it and sing to him until he calmed down. It should have been me.

We're sitting in college coffee, an obviously public place deemed safer than my flat. Amy's hovering between me and them as though on guard in case I show any signs of snapping again. I'd promised her that I wouldn't but even I couldn't be entirely certain. She doesn't know about mine and Leah's little chat, I'd crept back to my own bed in the early hours and Leah had instinctively agreed to keep my secret. Guilt hangs over me as I remember how many lies she's had to keep for me. Despite this, both kids seem oblivious to the tension between their parents, gleefully nibbling at the cakes I've bought them. "My treat" I'd said with a lump in my throat, although truthfully I could barely afford to feed myself seeing as I've barely shown my face at the deli since…since everything happened. "So, how d'you like your new school then Leah?" I ask once the lump in my throat that formed upon seeing and smelling and touching them again and hasn't yet faded. She takes a while to look up as though she's forgotten what my voice sounds like and I smile to mask the fact that that sends painful little shocks straight through my heart. "It's alright thanks" she answers, far too polite. I wonder what happened to the sassy, cheeky little girl who didn't let you get a word in edgeways. "And how's you Lucas? Still doing your judo?" He doesn't answer me, just nods shyly. I realise then that I've nearly forgotten what his voice sounds like too.

"Daddy Brendan used to like this cake."

"Leah!" Amy hisses, every muscle in her body stiffening at the use of the word 'daddy'. Leah looks stung, completely unaware of what she's doing wrong and the hatred I felt for Amy in the kitchen bubbles in my blood again. "It's alright sweetheart. He did, yeah." I say, smiling reassuringly and placing a hand over her own tiny fingers. Amy glares at me and I can sense her itching to take the kids and run but I don't take any notice. Lucas is looking at me properly for the first time since he ran through the door and into my arms last night. He doesn't understand any of this, understands even less than Leah and I'm sort of glad, hopeful that that will save him a little bit of pain. Leah looks up at me, eyes huge and trusting and a look of understanding flitters across them. "Eat it all up then guys, we need to get going soon. "What, already? I thought we could spend the day together!" Panic rises in me, mingled with anger. Why did she bring them back if she was just going to snatch them away from me again? "Please, Mummy!" Lucas' voice is small and nervous but we both hear it as loud as if he'd stood on the table and shouted it through a megaphone. Amy looks from me, to the kids and back again. I feel tears welling in my eyes and try to telepathically pass my pain to her, let her see what she's doing to me, what all this is doing to me. "Come on, kids we need to get going. Say goodbye to Daddy."

When she eventually peels them off me and carries Leah and Lucas away from me, out of my life and taking the last good thing with it I'm empty. I don't feel pain like I did before. I don't feel anger or sadness or loss. I feel nothing.