Holly and Artemis Save Artemis Fowl Senior

Characters are very OC, especially Holly.

Haven

Haven had a big problem. The short of it was this: there was a goblin rebellion. Holly, the dumbest elf in the LEP, had accidentally stumbled across a hidden store of softnose lasers and other weapons, one night, trying to stumble home drunk from a local bar.

Foaly had Artemis brought in to use the retina mager to see if he had anything to do with it, but he hadn't. Artemis said he would help the fairies, if they helped him find his Father, who was being held for a ransom.

So now the group found itself in the Arctic, freezing there nipples off.

Holly bundled up in a fluffy pink coat, shivered as she followed Artemis, Butler, and Trouble through the snow.

"I'm cold!" whined Holly. "I want hot chocolate!"

"Remind me why I brought you along," snarled Trouble. "You are the most incompetent, stupidest-"

"Because everyone else was busy," said Holly.

Suddenly, three goblins popped up, wearing wings and holding soft noses. They fired and caused an avalanche of ice to fall on Butler and Trouble, trapping them. They thought the ice had killed them, as well as Holly and Artemis, but they were wrong. Thinking they had done their job, one goblin shot the other two in the back and flew back, chuckling and hugging himself, to report and hopefully get a promotion.

"Shit!" swore Holly, seeing Butler and Trouble trapped in the ice. There were icicles like bars blocking the two from getting out.

"If you pull us through, the ice will crush us to death," said Trouble. "Just go with Artemis.

"No!" blubbered Holly.

"I have an idea," said Artemis. He handed some line to Butler and Trouble and they tied it about their waists. He then pointed to a train chugging along a track through the snow. "We get on that train and secure the line and you guys get yanked out so fast, you won't have time to get crushed.

"Well, you better hurry, brainy boy!" yelled Trouble.

Holly and Artemis took off for the train, running. Artemis huffed and puffed.

"I'm not good at this!" he puffed, wishing he hadn't started sneaking his dad's cigars to smoke.

"Hurry!" shouted Holly.

They ran alongside the train, which was so radiated, it was green. They jumped and grabbed hold of an iron ladder.

"You climb up," said Artemis. "My strength is spent. I can barely hold on."

Holly grunted and pulled herself on top of the moving car. Artemis had the line tied around his waist and it would run out soon. When that happened, he would be yanked off the train and likely killed. Holly had to hurry. She used some dwarf polish to melt the hatch on top of the car and dropped in. It was filled with barrels of some kind of radioactive stuff. Holly melted the lock on the door and hauled it open, the wind threatening to snatch her and fling her out. She reached out to Artemis.

"Grab my hand!"

Artemis did and Holly yanked him in. However the door started to ram shut, due to the wind, and Artemis felt a pain before he and Holly collapsed on the floor and passed out.

Holly awoke to Trouble.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" he roared.

"What?" asked Holly, looking around blankly.

"HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET HIS WANG LOPPED OFF!" Trouble yelled, holding up the severed dong in question.

Holly stared, horrified. "I don't know, the door started to shut and-"

Butler groaned. "How will I explain to his mother that his sausage got chopped off in the arctic?"

"We can put it back with magic," said Trouble, yanking the unconscious Artemis's pants down. "Holly, hold it in place."

Holly looked perplexed. "Should I hold it with my mouth?"

"What-no!" shouted Trouble. "Use your hands."

"Oh, hand job, okay."

Holly held it while Trouble used his magic to reattach it.

Artemis woke up with his pants down and thought they were trying to rape him.

"GET AWAY!" he shouted.

"It's okay, I reattached your wang," said Trouble. "Just make sure you use it a bit, to make sure it's okay."

"U-use it?" asked Artemis.

"Bang your girlfriend or something."

"I'm THIRTEEN!"

"Whack it off then."

"I can help!" said Holly.

"No!" Artemis looked horrified.

They jumped off the train and made it to the rendezvous where Artemis Senior was being held. Artemis, using binoculars, could see a man holding his father far way on a ledge.

Artemis called the kidnappers on his phone.

"I have the money," said Artemis.

"We have your dad," said the kidnapper. "Now, to make the exchange-"

"Oops."

The second kidnapper whirled around to see the first guy. He was standing there, empty handed.

"I dropped him."

Artemis Senior was falling to the icy waters below.

"YOU IDIOT!" bellowed the second. "YOU DROPPED HIM! NOW WHAT TO DO WE DO!?"

"Boss is gonna be mad!" shouted the first guy.

A shot fired. Butler had fired at them and missed.

"You getting rusty?" asked Holly.

The men ran, not wanting to think what their boss would say when he found out.

Holly flew into the water and grabbed Artemis Senior and saved him

"Yay, I saved the day!" shouted Holly, bringing Artemis Senior back.

Artemis Senior was dumped off a hospital in Sweden, so he would be found by people and nobody would know fairies helped saved him. Everyone else returned to Haven to deal with the Goblin Rebellion.

It was about to be over soon.

The goblins, shooting up Haven, decided this was bonkers.

"We can't really expect to win, can we?" asked one goblin, suddenly, lowering his weapon.

"What do you mean?" shouted another. "Blast these LEP fools! Then we can release our brothers from Howlers Peak!"

"Come on!" said the first. "You know, in these stories, the bad guys never wins. The good guys always stop the bad guys. We should just stop now."

Other goblins nodded and grumbled he was right, licking their eyeballs. Bad guys almost never succeeded in stories. It was fate.

"Let's just all be friends!" shouted the first goblin, to the LEP hiding behind barricades. The LEP lowered their weapons and looked puzzled. Was it a trick?

"Kuuummmmbaaayyaaa!" one goblin started sing.

It was the Kumbaya Song! No one would start to sing that unless they were honest!

The LEP started singing it too.

"Kumbaya! My lord! Kumbaya!"

They all kept singing and in a minute, the goblins and LEP were singing and hugging each other. They started to rebuild and fix the damaged parts of the city, singing happily to each other.

"NO! NO! NO!" Opal came running, screeching her head off.

"How come you ain't singing?" asked one goblin. "Come on! Were at peace now! Come sing with us and fix the city.

"THE HELL WITH YOU!" shouted Opal, stomping her feet. "You're supposed to be shooting the LEP! "

"She refuses to sing Kumbaya!" shouted an LEP agent. "GET HER!"

Opal ran screaming through the city and was captured and placed in prison. She wasn't sentenced for causing a riot, or supplying illegal weapons to goblins. She was sentenced for refusing to sing the Kumbaya song.

Artemis returned home happily and so did Holly. The world was safe.

For now…