He was gone the instant before pink sparks erupted from my palms.
I cursed and rolled onto my side. I spotted him next to the door a millisecond before a ragged bolt of pain ripped through my body. I bit my tongue. My wounds still felt raw and sharply tender. I would have to finish this quickly before I blacked out. I turned back to the task at hand.
Kid Flash frantically tried to punch in the combination for the door, but in his haste, he kept missing the right buttons.
"I don't think so!" I growled and shot a hex at him. He dodged, and the door instantly fused to its frame. The keypad melted, deformed beyond repair.
I cursed. But at least now there was no escape for him. He was on the far side of the room. He didn't want to attack me, and I knew it.
I smiled. Time to get my revenge. Two years' worth of pain and rage rose up inside of me like a solid wall, blocking out thought, conscience, and remorse. And forgiveness.
It was time to get even.
"You – are – a – big – fat – jerk!" I marked each word with a hurled shot of pink magic.
He dodged every single one. A scream of frustration burbled in my throat. Then a shock of pain rippled over me and left me gasping for breath. I desperately pressed a hand against my ribcage to try and stop the pulsating knives attacking my torso.
Seeing that I was momentarily disabled, Kid Flash skid to a halt beside me and winked. His customary grin was plastered on his face. He stepped back until his back touched the wall.
"I guess we'll talk later, milady. When you can beat me up with a more ready body." And with a mock bow, he began to vibrate out of the room.
"I don't think so!" I snarled and slapped my palm to the wall. A current of pink left my hand and sparked through the plaster. He yelped as he leapt through and back into the room. He rubbed his scorched arm and back, then I blinked, and he was gone.
I could still feel the ragged breezes as he dashed around the room, out of my range of vision. Then an idea sparked in my mind, and a plan began to form. I shot a bolt of magic at his blur.
As he dodged, he slowed for a moment, and I could see the red and yellow of his uniform. I twisted slightly to keep him in my sights and accidentally moved my wounded ribcage. Pain seemed to shred my body to pieces. I gasped, and I was whole again. My midsection throbbed. Blood pounded thickly through my skull. I shook my head to clear away the pain. It distracted me.
Kid Flash was frozen with worry as he watched me. He stretched out a hand to help me. The room spun.
I heard him take a step forward – or maybe back. I couldn't tell. My vision swam in front of my eyes.
"Jinx…"
I shifted again, and I couldn't bite back the groan. The pain was tearing me apart at the seams.
"Jinx!" He was at my side in an instant. I clenched my eyes closed against the pain. My hands twisted the sheets at my sides. I felt a warm hand slip into mine. My eyes flew open. Kid Flash's ungloved hand clasped mine tightly – as if he never wanted to let go. The touch – his touch – seemed to send lighting crashing down my spine. I trembled in my very core.
He knelt next to me and saw the uncertainty in my eyes.
"Jinx," he whispered.
Another wave of pain broke over me. I grit my teeth against the impending scream. My whole body felt numb compared to the blinding pain in my ribcage and over my heart.
"Jinx! I'm going to get Raven, ok?" Kid Flash stood, and I felt the warmth leaving my hand.
"No! Please!" On instinct, I pulled him back. I guess I pulled him back harder than I expected because he stumbled and tried to turn around all at once. We found ourselves face to face, inches apart. We looked at each other, too shocked to move.
His other hand found my cheek.
"Kid Flash… I…" I could barely whisper.
As if drawn by some invisible force, our lips drew closer together.
"I…"
He closed his eyes the moment before our lips met.
Perfect.
I curled my fingers into a tight fist, and my eyes sparked pink. Two years' worth of rage and pain channeled into my hand. "I think you're a big fat jerk!"
I sat, shocked. I couldn't believe that my plan had actually worked. Kid Flash sat on the floor and rubbed his head. He moaned. I blinked away my surprise. My eyes narrowed. It was time to end this. My eyes turned a swift pink and hex magic sparked in my outstretched palm. But I couldn't release it.
I strained against myself. Arguing and battling for control. Some part of me had resurfaced and struggled to keep me from finishing him off. Finally my rage consumed me. I let the hex loose, anger fueling it – this time with more anger at myself than at him.
A split second too late.
Kid Flash blinked clearly, saw me fire the hex, and was gone. The hex crashed into the floor, ripping the tile to pieces.
I yelled in frustration. For a moment, I didn't even try to go after him. For a moment, the only one that I hated was myself.
For two whole years, I had planned this very day. The day I would avenge myself, my pain and my doubts. I would make him pay for hurting me and not even realizing what he had done. I would make him beg for mercy – make him as desperate as I had once been. I would prove, for once, that I was right.
And I had just blown that chance.
Self-loathing almost replaced my sense of hatred for him. Almost. I refocused, rage renewed.
Kid Flash leaned against the far wall, nursing his splitting headache.
"Gotcha!" I shouted. Hex magic burst from my fingertips. He dodged and sped to the other side of the room. We went back and forth several times. I bit back a scream of rage.
He didn't even try to hit me, even though we both knew that if he took the offensive, I'd be done for in an instant. That knowledge only infuriated me more. Words spilled from my lips before I could stop them.
"Hate me!" I screamed at him. He froze, finally visible for once. My words shocked him into visibility. "Attack me! Kill me!"
He watched me, his eyes frozen wide behind his mask.
"Show me that you hate me, so I can hate you back," I continued to yell at him. Words, unspoken and longed for for so long, formed themselves at my lips without thought. "Be anything but good, so I can know that I was right all along. Right to say that you never loved me. Right for two years of torturing myself in my mind. Just–" My voice caught as I fought off tears. "Just hate me! Like I hate you!"
Enraged at my weakness – my tears – I felt my eyes glow blindingly pink. I yelled as I loosed a huge wave of magic at him. Glass shattered as he dodged. My hex had hit the medicine cabinet that had been behind him.
I shielded my face with my arm. Glass tinkled to the floor. I removed my arm.
Kid Flash stood, silent. Still. He had stood in front of me to shield me from the flying shards. I looked up at him from my bed. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. He turned slowly. Blood trickled down from a shallow cut on his cheek. He grimaced and smiled sadly at my shocked expression.
"I can't hate you, Jinx," he said softly. "I still love you."
Love? My shock melted instantly. Rage replaced it.
"You love me? You love me?" I snapped at him. "Every time you ever said that to me, you lied! You lied to me!" I shot out a wave of pink. "You never loved me. Never!"
He dodged my attack.
I was breathing heavily, but I smiled. He was slowing. I was able to pick out his movements.
I continued throwing hexes at his blurred form, attempting to tire him out.
"I'm so sick of you being the right one – the good one. You were always right, and I was always wrong – wrong because of my past. Wrong to hate you. Wrong to never forgive you. Wrong to never come back. Wrong to have ever loved you at all," I snarled at him.
In an instant, I found myself a foot above the bed.
Kid Flash's hand curled tighter around the fabric under my chin, hoisting me up. He held a heavy, tensed fist behind his head, ready to strike. My breath caught. He was panting – either from exertion or from my words, I could not tell. We stayed that way for a moment, neither daring to move. Neither daring to speak.
I didn't see his fist. I saw his eyes. Pure blue clouded dark. Heavy with the pain from my words. He trembled. I could see him struggling. I broke the silence.
"Hate me," I whispered. "Prove me right. If you hate me, then I'll have been right all along."
I felt tears run down my cheeks. Which had let them loose? Pain or emotion?
"Strike me, so I'll have a real reason to strike you back. Please." I closed my eyes, anticipating the red-hot pain that would blossom behind my eyelids. Nothing.
Slowly, trembling still, I felt his hand release my shirtfront and lower me gently onto the bed. I opened my eyes. He still stood over me. He slowly lowered his fist.
"Jinx." His voice, without any hint of joking or kidding or laughter, struck me speechless.
"Jinx… I'm sorry." He looked at me with perfectly solemn eyes. "I… won't."
My mind took a moment to comprehend his words. I had attacked him, threatened him, struck him, scarred his heart with my words, and still he refused…
"I'm still wrong then," I murmured aloud. Despair crested over me as his rejection set in. "If you're always right, and I'm always wrong, then I'm the bad one, still. It's just like back then in Leaf Metropolis – I got pushed away. I deserved everything you put me through."
"Jinx, no–!" He found himself inches from my face. My fingertip sparked pink, almost grazing his right temple. My other hand gripped his shoulder tightly.
"Fell for the same trick twice," I murmured. "Awfully slow still."
He looked at me. Helpless. Hopeless. Pleading.
I locked gazes with him. I wanted to watch his eyes as the pain ripped through him. My mistake. I faltered.
His eyes betrayed such sorrow, such remorse. I bit back a cry. Had my words really cut him this deeply? After everything, was he actually, truly sorry? Did he mean what he had said? Was it true? My finger trembled, uncertain.
"Just do it."
His voice shocked me again. Such grief and no laughter. This was not the same Kid Flash that I had left behind – that had left me behind – two years ago. His voice, ragged with pain, reminded me of my own before my overwhelming hurt had hardened into anger.
I could not speak. Could not move.
"Just do it," he quietly urged me again. "Make me pay the price – even if it's only a small one – for hurting you."
I felt my hand on his shoulder tighten. Then it slipped away. The magic on my fingertip fizzled out.
"No," I whispered.
Pain ripped through my body, and I twisted against it, grimacing, biting back screams, fighting it. I was at my limit. I was done. I closed my eyes and murmured, "Please… Call Raven. And tell the Titans I'm sorry for the mess."
A vanishing breeze told me that he had gone. As darkness claimed me, I tried to justify my actions.
I didn't take him out because he wanted it. He needed to be punished for what he did to me. But I didn't hurt him because it would have only made him feel better. I didn't hurt him only to keep him from satisfaction and peace of mind.
Not to forgive him. And NOT because I still love him.
…Or so I told myself.
