Miranda Lawson

"How did this happen? I do not have time for their excuses."

This was supposed to be the best crew Cerberus had to offer… yet I'm still surrounded by morons.

I was heading towards the elevator to return to my quarters after debriefing with the Illusive Man on the unfortunate events of the day when I overheard the Turian talking to Shepard.

"Shepard… she's loose."

"What do you mean 'she's loose'?"

"Well ah, she dropped by and we chatted for a bit… then she climbed back through the vent she came in by."

"Did you try to stop her?"

"Hmm… no actually. I was told very specifically by the Yeoman not to interact with her because of the anxiety it might cause her. She seemed fine. No one's asked me how I'm doing though. It's very unsettling to have a crazy person fall from the ceiling while you're optimizing firing algorithms. I'm still shaking."

Does he think this is some sort of joke? The Illusive Man should have let me put the control chip in Shepard. I could do without Shepard's decision to add "Archangel" and his dry humor to the crew.

"EDI, find out where in the vents the girl is, now!"

I am conducting thermal scans of all ventilation units... …Officer Lawson, I cannot find any thermal readings on her location within the ventilation system.

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? Don't you have any cameras in there or something we can find her with?"

Jesus this day keeps getting better and better. I did not spend the last two years of my career rebuilding the great Commander Shepard for him to lead us in the biggest fight humanity has to face only to have us be too late because we were too busy trying to scare a mouse out of the vents. It's just one thing after another with this girl. She's made Cerberus look like fools. It's because of her I had to go and tell the Illusive Man that one of his investments that he was so sure would help us fight the Reapers was actually some delusional twit in a mini-skirt. Not a conversation I ever thought I'd have to have with him. And then even after all that the Illusive Man still said to wait and see how it all plays out. I don't know why he still cares, even though he's probably spent millions of credits on whoever his resource was, this whole thing… it cannot be salvaged. I mean even as a resource as a person she wouldn't be helpful. She's obviously not very bright since she wore such an atrocious outfit in the arctic. Too bad we didn't stay around Earth long enough to toss her back into the ocean. If I had the control chip I'd have Shepard space her the moment we find her.

"Joker, how far out are we from the Citadel?"

"About half an hour Commander."

"Attention crew,"

Finally, he's doing something.

"I need everyone on high alert, we're a half hour outside the Citadel and we have an unstable detainee hiding in the ventilation system. No one is leaving this ship until we find her. I need you all to keep a careful eye out for any unusual activity. If you find her, no harm is to be done, just…"

"Shepard, is this the girl you are looking for?"

And there she was with the Salarian scientist. I can hardly stand the sight of her.

"Mordin, how did you find her?"

"Was conducting further testing on glacier remains. Looking for possible clues on origin of explosion. Was singing while working, makes work more enjoyable. 'Krogan Queen' personal favorite. She heard from the ventilation and came out. Can't understand language without translator but could tell it was singing."

The Professor looked quite smug about his cross-language singing abilities, not that I would actually call it singing.

I've had enough of all this joking around.

"Do you realize the expense we've gone through to procure you from that block of ice? And this is how you choose to repay us?"

The bitch had the nerve to look me dead in the eye, unashamed, when she spoke.

"Thank you for rescuing me but I don't see why you needed to go to such extremes to find me in the first place. What am I to you? Aside from a joke."

I would have thrown her across the room with my biotics if Shepard hadn't stepped in.

"We thought that the energy signals from the ice were from some kind of weapon left by the Protheans but once we got it on the ship and tested it, we found out it was only 167 years old, not 50,000."

"First off, I'm a person not a weapon, I have feelings. Secondly… Wait, what? Protheans…?"

I almost felt sorry for her as I watched her face when Shepard's words started to sink in.

"…167 years? That can't be right. Was I?… how long… But I… 167…"

"I know this is a lot for you to take in…" Ah, here comes the Psychologist to the rescue. "…none of this is your fault, things just happen."

What does she mean "it's not your fault"? Its bloody well all her fault!

"What was the last date you remember?"

"It was May 2, 2018. I was supposed to go home for my dad's birthday the next day…" I will not sympathize with her. I will not let my father issues cloud my judgement of her.

"…can you tell me what year it is now?"

"Well we chart time differently now, after being exposed to extended space travel and alien cultures, but on Earth the year is 2185."

"Does America still exist?"

What the hell kind of question is that?

"Um… Well it has combined with what was formerly known as Canada. It is now the United States of North America."

"But we weren't nuked or anything, like Yeezus 2020 never happened, right?"

"…I'm sorry, I'm confused. I don't know what that is."

"Thank God. I was worried for a while. He was a rapper who said he would run for President, an overall terrible career choice, but there were a lot of impressionable young people in my time that I worried would actually vote for him if it came to pass." She brings a hand to her chest and sighs with relief. "Wow, I mean… that is a load off my chest."

Is no one else hearing this? Am I the only one who thinks this is utter nonsense? I have to step in.

"You've been in stasis for 167 years and your first thought is that an entertainer became President? Are you actually mental?"

"I am actually very much aware of the severity of the situation however, if I think about it right now, I'm afraid I might have a breakdown in front of a bunch of strangers who already think I'm crazy. I just don't want to fuel your fires."

Too late for that.

"Miranda, back off, I'm taking her with me on the Citadel. I'm supposed to meet Anderson there anyway and maybe he will know what to do with her."

Shepard's right. Anderson will know how to handle this. I bet he can set her up with lovely career at Chora's Den. Or at least, a girl can dream.