Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
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Gaara Gets a Girlfriend
First Date
Over the next few days, photos and essays from lady friend-hopefuls came pouring in.
There were a number of good candidates- Temari, Kankuro, and Ine compiled a substantial pile of girls of the appropriate age, either gainfully employed or well-bred and bone idle, who came across as reasonably intelligent and classy.
They eliminated far, far more candidates, however, for reasons ranging from being several years too old to being an obvious lunatic.
There was the 82-year-old widow, self-described as 'outgoing, active, and slightly hard of hearing,' who thought she would be a good match so long as the Kazekage wasn't hoping for children someday.
There was the married 46-year-old mother of three who was looking for a 'casual encounter,' and, bizarrely, included pictures of her children with her reply.
There was a breathless letter from a 17-year-old girl that claimed she had known Gaara in a previous life, that it was fate that had led him to place this ad, and that if he was unavailable, she would also be glad to meet Kankuro.
Several women sent in nude photos, which disqualified them immediately, and one woman sent a pair of panties, which no one wanted to touch.
They also got one response from a man.
"What should we do with this one?" Temari asked, showing it to Kankuro. "I don't think he's into guys, but I feel like going on a date with one would show he's open-minded. Probably win us some fans from the gay community."
"'Open-minded' meaning 'bisexual?'"
"Shut up. I'm including it."
Making the switch from being advisers to being just two more ninjas in Suna's ranks was proving more difficult than Temari and Kankuro could have imagined, and, it appeared, had created a lot more work for Gaara than he'd probably thought it would.
The morning after he had been told of Temari's decision to send him on a quest for love, he had sent a very confused messenger to her bedroom door to deliver a mission description. It ordered her and Kankuro to arrange the times and locations of all the outings he would be going on, write up a brief description of his companion, and relay all communications and updates to him through the courier.
The mission was D-ranked and unpaid, but never in the history of all ninja-dom had an unpaid, D-rank mission generated more correspondence and taken up more of a Kage's time than this one.
There had been a lot of back and forth about how many people would make the final list, what types of places they would be going, when he was free, and whether or not he would be expected to bring each and every last one flowers, or candy, or some sort of token.
Then Temari had remembered her report on the education budget was due in two weeks. Then Kankuro wanted to remind him that his birthday was coming up, and he still needed to review the guest list. The courier had reported back that the Kazekage thought he would be able to finish Temari's report on time, but couldn't find the guest list anywhere in Kankuro's office, so they had spent a whole afternoon running him back and forth with suggestions of where to look.
It turned out to be on Gaara's desk the whole time. The courier had thought it was kind of funny, but Gaara didn't see the humor in it.
By the Friday after the ad had been placed, thirty eight women (and one man) out of the original hundred and six had been chosen. By that Saturday, Gaara was ready to go on his first ever date.
Temari sent him detailed instructions on what types of things to say and questions to ask, how to dress, and how to tell if a goodnight kiss was in order. Ine suggested also sending him a condom, but the messenger said he just wouldn't feel comfortable handing the Kazekage any form of birth control.
Kankuro scribbled down directions to an all-night pharmacy, just in case.
{}{}{}{}{}
Name: Watanabe Wakana
Age: 17
Occupation: Fish stall vendor
Likes: Celebrity gossip magazines, reality TV shows, dancing, YOU, Kazekage-sama!
Dislikes: Fish
Favorite Mythological Creature: Unicorns
{}{}{}{}{}
Gaara took a sip of his iced tea and glanced at the clock for the third time in twenty minutes.
He was meeting Watanabe Wakana at a fairy tale-themed restaurant in downtown Suna called Once Upon a Teriyaki. The waitresses dressed as old-timey peasants and called the customers 'my lord' or 'my lady.' The décor was all dragons and princesses, and when it was someone's birthday (such as the 8-year-old sitting in the next booth), the waitress would bang a gong, and a man dressed as a samurai would come out and do a dance.
Temari's instructions had claimed it was a very popular place. He was guessing she meant with children under the age of twelve.
Still, it was his date's choice, and his duty for the night was to make her happy… so long as she showed up. He wouldn't complain if she didn't come. He was actually starting to hope that she didn't come, because as the minutes stretched on, he was becoming more and more aware that his idea of what people do on dates was based solely on what he'd seen on television.
His understanding was that the end goal of dating was to find a spouse. But mentioning marriage on a first date was a huge faux pas, according to every sitcom he'd ever watched. But you were supposed to talk about your dreams for the future and make it sound like you wanted to settle down, or else your date would tell her friends later that you were a 'commitment-phobe,' which he was sure was a bad thing. Unless she wasn't sure she wanted to get married herself, in which case she would tell her friends you were boring and came on too strong.
So the only way to have a successful date was to read her mind, and say whatever she wanted to hear.
Gaara sighed. This was all so confusing.
"Art thou ready to order, my lord?"
The waitress had been circling his table ever since he'd been seated, and was beginning to get impatient.
"No. I'm waiting for someone."
She curtsied. "Well enough, my lord, but mayhap I can tell you about our dinner specials? You have been waiting for your lady fair for nearly half an hour, and she hath yet to arrive."
"No thank you."
"Look, dude," she leaned in and whispered, "we're really busy tonight, I've got six other tables, and my manager keeps asking why I haven't served you anything yet. Can't you just order a hamburger and call it a night?"
He glared at her. "Those aren't my problems, and I don't want a hamburger. Go away."
"Very well, my lord!" she proclaimed, straightening up. "An order of Liquid Gold Cheese Fries! Excellent choice!"
She gave him a defiant look and left.
Sometimes, Gaara really missed the days when everyone was afraid of him. The worst part was that since becoming Kazekage, his public image had to be maintained at all costs, meaning that stiffing an obnoxious waitress in a kiddie restaurant on her tip was not an option.
"K-K-Kazekage-sama?"
A pretty girl, horribly overdressed in a slinky black evening gown, had approached the booth. She looked about ready to faint; she was clutching her purse like she was expecting to get mugged, her knees were trembling, and her face was alternately flushing pink and turning milk white.
"Yes," he said, standing up. He had a vague idea that gentlemen were supposed to stand until women were seated, and this was something one was expected to do on a date. Unless she found it an outdated display of male chauvinism. Maybe he should just sit back down. But that would look stupid at this point… which option would be less offensive, if he had to choose?
Watanabe Wakana resolved the matter by passing out.
{}{}{}{}{}
The first thing Gaara did upon returning to his office was send for a courier.
He thought it was safe to say that the evening had not gone well, but still wanted to check in with Temari and Kankuro.
Someone at the restaurant had called for an ambulance when it became clear that Wakana was not going to revive quickly, and the EMTs had told him that only friends and family were allowed to ride with patients, so he'd just paid for his food and left. The waitress had had the cheese fries he didn't want packed up, and handed them to him on his way out the door with a smug 'Fare thee well, my lord.'
And yet, he still had to tip her.
He began writing a note to Kankuro.
Watanabe Wakana fainted as soon as she arrived at the restaurant. She was taken to the hospital. Do I have to take her out again?
The messenger he'd sent for arrived moments later, looking wired. Too much coffee, probably- Gaara had noticed that nightshift workers were even more alert than people who kept regular hours.
Once the man had left, it occurred to him that he should have sent the cheese fries to Kankuro. He loved junk food like that, and God knew Gaara wasn't going to eat them. Oh, well. He'd just have the messenger bring them over when he came back with a reply.
He leaned back in his chair to wait.
His assumption was that the girl had been fried by overexcitement or nerves, but he couldn't deny that making someone faint before he'd even said 'hello' did not make him feel very good about himself. He wasn't that hard to talk to, was he?
He supposed he shouldn't point fingers, though, because no one had a more difficult time talking with strangers than he did. He'd never fainted, but it was… challenging.
It was ironic, really. Back when he'd been a monster, he'd been alone. He didn't know how to talk to people outside of threatening them, and everyone had hated him. Today, he was the most popular Kazekage Suna had had in decades, and he was still alone. He still didn't know how to talk to people, and even though they liked him now, they apparently didn't know how to talk to him, either.
Where were all these friends and true companions Naruto had promised him? Naruto himself was hundreds of miles away. The people of the village loved him, but in a distant sort of way- they certainly weren't his friends. And he had always had a nagging feeling that Kankuro and Temari stuck around out of obligation rather than true affection, one that he believed had been confirmed since he fired them.
Every update or question they'd sent through the courier had been related to this whole personal ad fiasco, or projects they'd been working on as his advisers; they hadn't once asked him how he was, commented on his absence from the house, or tried to get their jobs back. They hadn't even sought him out in person.
Gaara wasn't sure how to reach out to people any more than he already had. This was his early childhood all over again, in some ways; at least when he was in his monster phase, he'd known what he was doing wrong.
The courier knocked at the door and let himself into the office. It might have been something of a liberty, but he'd been carrying so many messages between Gaara and his siblings over the last few days, he supposed he could let it slide.
Kankuro's answer was brief: No. We'll send her a 'get well soon' card and say you can't go out with her again due to concerns for her health. Don't forget, you have a lunch date tomorrow afternoon.
Would it have killed him to say 'I'm sorry your date didn't go well?' 'Better luck tomorrow?' Even just 'good night?'
"Will you need me to bring back a response, sir?"
Gaara shoved the cheese fries off his desk and into the trash can.
"No."
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"Kankuro! Over here!"
He spotted Baki waving to him across the bar.
"Here," he said, sliding Kankuro a beer as he settled onto the stool next to him. "It's some new thing they got in from Iwa- tastes like sweat and dish soap, but it was the special."
Kankuro took a sip and grimaced. "Good God, does anyone in Iwa have taste buds?"
"I warned you," said Baki. "But, on a serious note- what's all this I've been hearing about Gaara taking out a personal ad? There has to be a story there."
"You heard about that already?" Kankuro took another swallow of his beer. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It must be the talk of the town by now."
"Mmm, in some circles."
"Figures. Well- Gaara didn't take the ad out himself. Temari did. He blew up over it, fired both of us, and sent me a message saying his first date passed out at the restaurant right before I came down here to meet you. So, you know, business as usual at our house. How's your week been?"
"Can't complain. What possessed Temari to do something like that, if you don't mind me asking? She was always the smart one of the three of you."
"She'd had a few drinks. Our new housekeeper is apparently an amazing bartender. Oh, and that's another thing- she hired us a new housekeeper, also without checking with anyone else."
"Oh, yeah?" Baki asked, interested. "How's she doing?"
"She's fine. Gaara fired her from being his sister, but she's taking it pretty well, all things considered."
"No, I meant the housekeeper. Everything working out alright?"
Kankuro shrugged. "Yeah, she's been doing a good job, but she's kind of dippy, though." He looked at Baki side-long. "Why? Are you looking for someone to pick up around the bachelor pad for you?"
"No," said Baki, smiling slightly. "It's not a bachelor pad anymore, anyway."
"Whaaat? I know you didn't get married without telling us."
"Of course not. I've just acquired a live-in girlfriend, is all."
"Well!" said Kankuro. "Congratulations, then. I never even knew you had a girlfriend. Who is she?"
"A civilian. Remember that mission I went on to track down The Back-Alley Butcher? I swept in like a hero to save her from being butchered, she wanted to give me a bunch of coupons for taco-making kits as thanks-"
"Wait, what? Taco kits?"
"-we got to talking, and now we're together. Something right out of a romance novel."
"Good for you, man." Kankuro hunched over his beer and sighed. "It'd be great if Gaara could find a girl he liked, too. He's been getting even worse."
"Hmm. I know. I called him the other day in his office, and I could barely get two words out of him. But why are you so sure a girl would fix everything? Seems to me he just needs to go out and have some good times."
Kankuro snorted. "Get Gaara to go out and have fun? Have you ever met him?"
"Once or twice. What I'm thinking is this- his twentieth birthday is only a couple weeks away, right? And the Kazekage's birthday is always some big state affair, right? Instead of having a stuffy, formal dinner this year, why not throw a party that a 20-year-old would actually want to go to?"
"Great idea! Except for the part where Gaara hates everyone and everything."
Baki smiled and shook his head. "Give it a try. He's never been to a real party before, he might decide he likes it. I used to be a stick in the mud, too, until I discovered beer was a thing."
Kankuro raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me to get Gaara drunk? That's not very teacherly advice."
"I'm not your teacher anymore, am I?" Baki asked. "You three can go make all the bad decisions you want now, you're no longer my responsibility."
"So if I drink too much of this Iwa piss water-" he flicked his beer glass- "you're going to leave me puking in the street?"
"I'd probably just run off while you were in the bathroom," Baki said cheerfully. "Much less embarrassing for me that way."
"...Thanks, Baki-sensei."
