Casey had cried until there were no tears left. She knew that it wasn't healthy for the baby and that she needed to start taking better care of herself. Slowly getting up, she made her way to the kitchen to get a glass of milk. She was surprised to still see her mother up, sitting at the counter holding a cup of tea.
"Hey, how are you feeling?"
"I don't know. I just go from overwhelming emotion to numbness and back again. It's a vicious cycle. But to be honest, right now I'd go for numbness full time."
"Baby, I know how rough this is, but you've got to move on. George and I were talking, and we think it would be a good thing for you to go to school tomorrow."
Casey eyes shot up to her mother's. Shear panic evident when she spoke. "But I'm not ready to go back to school yet," she protested. "I'm a good student. I can get by on my own for awhile."
"The sooner you get back into a regular routine, the better it will be for you," Nora insisted.
"I can get into that routine next Monday," panic making her voice high. "I'll go to pieces if anyone mentions Max, and somebody will, I'm just sure if it."
"When they do, just say, 'Thank you for your sympathy,' and change the subject. The other person will get the message that you don't care to discuss it."
"My mind will go blank. I won't be able to change the subject." Her hands were icy cold and her knees weak at the thought of the ordeal of school. "Mom, I'll cry. I know I will." She was almost crying at the moment just worrying about it.
"The first day back will be the first day back whether it's tomorrow or next Monday or a month from now, and putting it off won't make it easier. Your missing school since the accident is understandable, but no more. It's best to get the first day back over with in a hurry."
Her voice was filled with understanding but was so firm Casey knew there was no point in pleading. She had made up her mind.
--
By noon that day Casey had decided that she was better off at school than just sitting and brooding at home.
During the morning she had dreaded lunch period, but Emily motioned to her as she stood in the cafeteria line and point to the empty chair beside her. She had a bowl of soup and a carton of milk on her tray, but was sure that she couldn't manage to swallow anything.
Emily and the others were so careful not to mention Max that they must have discussed it in advance. The rest of the week was similar.
--
Soon it was the weekend and she knew that it would be awful. She tried not to think about what their friends would be doing that weekend. Going to Smelly Nelly's no doubt, or to the movies, or the new pizza place. Casey decided that if anyone called and invited her to go someplace, she'd refuse. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with them, because she did. She wanted desperately to get out of the house, but she wasn't going to camp on her friends' dates indefinitely.
After dinner that night, Nora told Casey that she and George had planned on going over to visit Max's aunt and uncle. Ironically Max's parents had been killed in an auto accident when he was five and his aunt and uncle had raised him since that time. She asked if Casey would like to come, but honestly, that was the last thing that Casey wanted to do.
"Not yet," she said. "I'll go to see them eventually, but not right now."
Nora had made her promise to not sit in her room and mope all night. Edwin and Lizzie were at a school sponsored dance and Marti had gone to spend the weekend with Abby. Derek hadn't gotten home from hockey practice yet, and it being Friday night, they fully expected to not see him until curfew.
Casey promised not to mope as she ushered them out the door, assuring them that she would be alright. Trying to watch television, she changed the channels without finding a program to hold her interest, and she couldn't concentrate on reading.
Tears came to her eyes and she hastily wiped them away. I have to get myself together, she thought. She knew her mom and George would be upset if they came home and found she'd been crying again. She knew how worried they were, just as she realized people at school could understand the sorrow that she felt. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the feeling.
Thirty minutes later she saw headlights pull up and she wondered how they had made it back so soon. Evidently no one had been home and they had returned to check on her.
Casey was taken aback when she saw Derek, and not their parents, walk through the door and throwing his hockey bag down in it usual spot.
"Up!" he commanded.
"Excuse me?"
"I said, up! It's a very simple command actually. Have you suddenly lost your ability to decipher the English language?"
"Uh, no! But I think you may have lost your ability to rationally think. What makes you think I just jump when you speak?"
"Because playing nice gets no where with you. You've proven that every time I've tried to check on you or see how you're doing this week. Now, you're not just going to sit here and waste away. You are going to go do something if I have to pick you up out of that chair, my chair, may I add, and carry you out of here kicking and screaming." And with one fell swoop he had her in his arms heading for the door.
"Let me go. Der-ek, put me down this instant!"
"No can do Princess! You're getting more depressed by the day and I can't watch it anymore. It's pathetic."
Casey stopped. Stopped kicking and pushing and pulling and just became still. And then she did something that surprised Derek beyond belief. She totally gave up and threw her arms around his neck and her head onto his shoulder and she cried. Cried just like he had heard her the night he had went to her room, cried like she had every night since the accident. And once again his heart broke. "Come on Case, you know I don't do tears."
Casey lifted her head up and looked into his eyes. "I – I'm sorry. I can't control them. You don't know how bad I want to but I just can't. You know, I'll go five or ten minutes without thinking of him and then some random thing will happen and it's there all over again. And the bad part it, I feel bad when I think about him, but I think I feel worse when I realize that I'm not. Like at lunch today, Sheldon said something ridiculous and I started laughing, really laughing and then this huge sense of guilt washed over me. I don't know, it's just…" she sighed. "Listen I'm sorry for boring you. Now could you please put me down? I just want to go up to my room and …."
"And what, waste away to nothing? Fall deeper and deeper into the depths of depression? Further yourself from everyone who loves you and cares about you?"
Casey finally managed get out of his arms, but that didn't stop her from being right in his face. "Listen, what I do with my life is none of your concern. Just leave it to, as you say, 'everyone who loves me and cares about me'."
"See, now that's where you're wrong. You have no inkling as to who I care about. I wouldn't be wasting my time if I didn't care." Grabbing her arm, he ushered her to the door. "Get your coat, we're going out."
So here it is. Please let me know what you think!
