When Cora arrived for luncheon she found Mary, Sir Richard and Edith all at the table along with her husband and his gaze was immediately on her. She smiled faintly and took her place beside her middle daughter.
"I'll be in York for the rest of the afternoon. I've got a few errands to run," Edith announced to the table at large.
"That sounds rather mundane," Mary replied.
"It's what you make of it," Edith retorted and bent over her plate with a frown.
"Well I'm off for a walk down to the lake this afternoon. The fresh air will do me good," Robert declared, carrying on the discussion. Cora recognized the hint.
"I'd like to come with you if that's alright?" she said quietly. Robert's face softened and his shoulders fell slightly, as though he had been holding his breath, anticipating her response.
"Of course you may."
"Oh that's a good idea. I'd like to show Sir Richard more of the estate so may we come too?" Mary interjected. Robert paused and glanced at his wife who returned his look nonchalantly much to his vexation. He had very much wanted to spend the afternoon alone with her, trying to heal the rift that had developed between them.
"If you wish," he said shortly.
"I'm certainly interested to see more of the place Mary has grown up in," Sir Richard confirmed. "I have brought a tweed coat with me this weekend just in case."
"Excellent, it's settled then," Mary said happily. Cora kept her eyes firmly on her plate, masking the depth of her disappointment.
They had been walking for silence for quite some time. Robert and Cora were far enough ahead of Mary and Sir Richard to engage in private conversation and yet there was an uncomfortable silence between them which had not been there for many years. It was a foreign feeling and as they trampled their way through the thick forest debris, Robert's racing heart could not bear it any longer.
"Where's Rosamund?" He hadn't meant to be quite so brusque but the question was out of his mouth before he could check himself. Much to his surprise, Cora's response was immediate, as though she was experiencing much the same need to somehow break the ice.
"She's with your Mama, trying to talk her into the idea of Sir Richard." She snuck a glance over her shoulder at this remark.
"You don't sound very enthusiastic," Robert noted, failing to keep the edge out of his voice.
"Are you?" Cora countered.
Robert was stumped. He had spent so much time wrapped up in his own feelings and then that of his wife that the presence of Mary's new suitor had barely touched his mind at all. Sensing his hesitancy, Cora peered up at him. "Robert?"
"Mmm? Sorry," he mumbled absentmindly. "Sir Richard, yes. Well he is helping to keep Mary's mind off Matthew but I can't really say much more for him than that. He is closer to us in age for goodness sakes," Robert continued as a memory of Sir Anthony Strallan flashed in front of him.
"Is that so bad?"
"Well it's not a sin and not his fault but I would prefer it if Mary were taking an interest in men closer in age."
"There is a war on," Cora pointed out.
"Yes," Robert conceded, realizing they had unwittingly found themselves on the very topic that both of them had started out avoiding.
"Papa!" Mary called out from some distance behind them as she hastened over. Robert and Cora turned, Robert feeling relieved that he had been given a chance to get his bearings.
"Yes my dear?"
"I'm going to start heading back to Downton with Sir Richard now, going by the creek. I hope you don't mind our leaving you?" she inquired.
"No, not at all. We'll see you later on," Robert affirmed, smiling at her. Mary returned the smile and retreated to Sir Richard who was standing a few paces away. They both watched as Mary led him up towards the top of the lake for a moment before Cora heard her husband draw a deep breath.
"I didn't think we'd get a chance to be completely alone at all with the way things were going," he admitted.
"I agree." Cora looked down as Robert offered her the crook of his right arm and threaded her own arm through the gap, allowing him to guide her to the secluded place he had spoken of in his note that morning.
They meandered around the side of the lake for another few minutes in silence. But unlike before, it had morphed into the more familiar air they both knew and loved. They still had not had that crucial conversation but since Robert had offered her his arm, Cora had somehow felt more at ease. She still felt a pang at his words from the previous night but it calmed her somewhat to know that he was intent on healing the breach between them as much as he could.
After a while, Robert veered off from the lake and back into the woods, bound for a small clearing which held a very sensitive memory for them both. As they neared their destination, Cora began to recognize the old, overgrown path they were walking on and her heart skipped a beat. Just before Robert had gone off to fight in the Boar War, he had taken her out for a walk and had brought her to the clearing which she could now see just beginning to open up in front of them. Wondering why he would bring her here, where she had known such heart ache, she began to feel apprehensive and tried to keep her old memories at bay. Then she felt Robert halt beside her and blinked. They had arrived at their destination.
Cora felt Robert clasp her hand and raise it to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of it. Then he turned it over, kissing her palm followed by the underside of her wrist. Finally, he raised his eyes to gaze at her openly, holding her hand between both of his against his chest. Cora took a deep breath to fight against a sudden upwelling of nerves. "Last night, I didn't think before speaking Cora. I know that I cannot retract the words that passed my lips but please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you." Robert paused, blinking several times as he fought to keep eye contact with her. "I've just felt so frustrated lately. Watching all these young men go off to war to fight for their King and country while I'm here feels so wrong to me." Cora's heart sank. The way he was talking already warned her that he hadn't changed his thinking, at least not much of it. "It's not that I don't feel fulfilled by you, our family and my work here," Robert went on as he struggled to keep his composure.
"Then what? What is it?" Cora cut in desperately. "Please Robert, I want to understand and I never have." She lifted her free arm, bringing her hand to rest on both of his as she observed his countenance intently. Robert looked down at their entwined hands and frowned, trying to find the right words for his feelings.
"It doesn't feel right that I'm here, safe and enjoying a life of privilege when there are men in another countries, giving their lives for its maintenance. Not to mention, with so much going on, I…" he trailed off, a lump rising in his throat. Could he even say it? Robert Crawley had been raised to believe that a man should be strong and brave, loyal to his family, kind to all whom he co-existed with, to protect them all from unnecessary harm. Not to appear as weak, emotional train wrecks, unsure of themselves let alone their situations.
"What is it?" Cora whispered, stepping closer to him, wanting so much to reassure him. Robert studied her for a moment as several memories flashed before him. She was so intelligent, his wife. So strong and constant. Loving in a way he had once never thought possible. The nurturer of the family, their family. But she was also innocent. And he had been determined to keep the horrors of war from her back then, just as he sought to now. He did not want to risk scaring her in the way he had suffered in years past. And though this was a bit different, he couldn't upset her again, especially when she was so vulnerable.
"It's nothing," he mumbled. Cora began to shake her head emphatically. She could not bear to have another bad memory in this place.
"Please don't," she begged. "Don't shut me out Robert. I can cope with whatever you say. Please don't shut me out!"
"It's alright," he assured her, gently pressing a kiss to her cheek.
In that moment, everything changed.
A/N Sorry for the delay. I thought I'd have this finished a lot sooner but my holiday was rather busy. Keen to hear your thoughts.
