Telvanni Institute for Higher Learning

Nvek, Vvardenfell


"So, this is my first class with Dr. Fyr and I've heard some things about him."

"What, about grading? He's hard, but if you're in this class, that probably means you're too smart to fail."

"No, it's just…well, is it true that Dr. Fyr infected the entire senior class of 1900 with astral dysalgia?"

"Oh no, that's just a myth, but I know what you're going to ask next, and yes, he did kidnap the head of the history department a decade later over a disagreement about the Dwemer. No one knows what happened, but after Fyr let him out of his tower, he decided to teach metamystics instead. To this day, Sera Rathri starts crying if you mention Heart theory to him."

"Dude, sorry to interrupt, but we're trading Divayth Fyr stories, yeah? I heard from his office assistant –you know him, right? Headphones guy in Ethics- anyway, I heard from him that he has the actual face of Nerevar Indoril in a jar in his study. The actual face."

"You think that's weird? That's nothing. I have it on good authority that he cloned Sotha Sil so he could screw him."

"Oh, come on, you expect us to believe that? Everyone knows that Dr. Fyr's only sexually attracted to himself."

"I don't know if you've noticed, man, but dude's got like six wives, so…"

"They're his clones. His sexy lady clones. Just look at them together sometime and you'll see it. Underneath that gruff old man exterior is a wizard that makes a damn fine woman."

"…You're kidding, right?"

"He does have a sample of Sotha Sil's DNA, though. It's registered on C0DA but you can't even see a mention of it unless you have Oht-level access. I only know it exists because I have an aunt that works on the Maraboard and she told me."

"No, seriously, you're telling me that Dr. A. Fyr actually is a clone? I thought they were just one of those old couples that start to look alike over the decades. And dude's so old that he used to be a Chimer, so that's a lot of decades to look alike."

"Oh yeah, it's on the records and everything."

"I heard he wanted to see what would happen if he channeled the Eidolon Tower into a lich's locus point, but the Council wouldn't give him funding. It was in the Telvanni Courier a few semesters ago."

"I heard that the old Tribunal actually offered to make him a god, but he said no because otherwise he'd just have way too much swag for mortals to handle."

"I heard that the Dwemer disappeared because they realized they'd never have the intellect of Dr. Fyr."

"When Divayth Fyr talks, Vivec sits down to listen."

"He plays strip poker with Julianos, Xarxes, and Hermaeus Mora."

"His beard is actually his second brain. If he ever cut it off, he'd only be as smart as a Vehkian astralphysicist."

"What kind of heat must he be packing down there to get six wives?"

"Seven, actually. He married the concept of marriage itself."

"No, marriage married him."

"What does that even mean?"

"Maybe he's married to all of us but our simple minds aren't capable of realizing it yet."

"Seriously, is it a tentacle or something?"

"If you're quite done with that meaningless natter, apprentices, we're going to discuss divine diseases today," said Dr. Divayth Fyr, Wizard Premier of the Grand Council of the Scarab-and-Flower Alliance, as he strolled into the classroom. "But if you aren't, wouldn't it be fun to experience them firsthand?"


"…Dude, what the fuck just happened? What the actual fuck?"

"Pink, my man, just chill out. It's only a temporary setback."

"Why is everything glowing? What did you do?"

"Be calm, comrade. This is unprecedented, but I don't think you're hurt. Can you see out of it? Let me just grab my astral prod and see what-"

"No, but you're not getting near my face with that thing, mister! I'm gonna…wait, whoa, Afzal, that is so weird."

"Alright, well, I think all the lorkhanine in your bloodstream reacted to the magne-radiances when I adjusted the artifact's latent tone. So I'm pretty sure I turned your eyeball into a portal to Aetherius. That's, uh, that's never happened before. If it's any consolation, I bet you can explode vampires just by looking at them now."

"…"

"You okay?"

"Dude, it's just…I think you might be a certified mad scientist now. Architect-artist-scientist, whatever you're calling yourself now. You can fix this, right? Right?"

"I can totally fix it. I can probably make it even better. Just next time you join me in the lab, can you promise me one thing?"

"Eh?"

"Wear goggles next time. We're fresh out of Septims, so I really don't want to turn your other eye into a gate to Oblivion on accident."