Night cycle never lasted long enough on the Citadel, in Kaidan's opinion. The artificial morning light always glared harshly through the windows in the series of apartments the Council set aside for Spectres passing through. Kaidan rolled onto his back, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Why had he promised Shepard he would show up first thing? He'd been drugged up on painkillers last night so who knew if he actually meant what he'd said. The thought lingered in his mind as he took a quick shower, attempting to scrub himself clean of yesterday's events. The chances Shepard expected him to show up at all were slim. The thought was still spinning in his mind as he dressed and made sure his armor locker was secure before heading out.
The embassy was packed, dignitaries and officials scrambling to accommodate the large influx of people in need. Kaidan kept his head down and moved swiftly to the elevator, tuning out the frustrated cries for attention from many civilians, shying away from anyone who came too close.
Once in the elevator his mind shifted to Shepard, and his fingers flexed nervously. Could he avoid visiting Shepard? He might not even remember Kaidan visiting him yesterday. He had been pretty drugged. Terror lit in his stomach. What if Shepard remembered? What would he think? Kaidan had kissed him. Maybe he hadn't started it, but Shepard hadn't been in his right mind.
The cheerful VI announced his arrival to Huerta, prompting him to step out of the lift. The chaos had settled some, and only the occasional pained moan could be heard across the room. Kaidan moved to the inpatient wing on autopilot and slipped into Shepard's room before he could convince himself to turn back.
Shepard's face was peaceful, and slack with sleep. Kaidan cursed silently; he had wanted to get this over with quickly, take his lumps and be on his way, and the last thing he wanted to do was wipe away that peace Shepard never seemed to attain.
He silently pulled up the chair he had vacated last night, and sat next to the bed. His thoughts were scrambling in different directions. Should he even be here? What if Shepard woke and called security? His hands gripped the side of the bed, digging into the metal frame. He should just leave, come visit if they call for him.
"Hey." Kaidan's head snapped up as Shepard spoke, voice rough from sleep but filled with surprise and delight. "You're here."
Kaidan swallowed. "I wasn't sure you'd want me to come back." Shepard tilted his head, an eyebrow raising quizzically. Kaidan shook his head slightly. "after I..." He trailed off, trying to find the right words.
"After you...?" Shepard's voice was light and inquisitive, and Kaidan's eyes slid shut in despair.
"I took advantage of you, Shepard," he breathed, refusing to open his eyes to look at the man.
"Hey." Fingers brushed against his cheek, encouraging him to look up. The smile on Shepard's face was small but it was honest. "Trust me, you weren't the one taking advantage." His voice was quiet.
"You weren't in a position to, yourself," Kaidan pointed out and Shepard's smile grew, his other hand dropping to rest on Kaidan's.
"Guess we'll just have to call it a mutual attraction then."
Kaidan flipped his hand over so it was palm to palm with Shepard's, fingers strumming against the pulse point on the vanguard's wrist. "Is it?"
"You tell me."
"I guess it depends. How many painkillers are you on now?"
Shepard let out a soft laugh. "They cut me off, I'm down to the lightest dose." His fingers curled as he spoke, catching against Kaidan's, pulling him forward. It was tentative at first, the soft brush of skin on skin, softer than Kaidan had ever imagined and he'd imagined it more times than he could count. But Shepard wasn't known for his patience and even as Kaidan tried to keep it light, tried to savor the tenderness of the moment, it was taken apart by Shepard's eager mouth opening against his, tenderness giving way to heat and yeah, this was a little more what he'd imagined, although even his most vivid fantasies couldn't do that mouth justice.
The hand on his cheek moved to the back of his neck, sliding down to curl into the fabric bunched between his shoulders. Kaidan felt himself being pulled closer and broke the kiss, breath rasping harshly against the other man's lips. "Shepard..."
"Don't 'Shepard' me." The hand on his back didn't relent and Kaidan reluctantly let himself be pulled up to the edge of the bed.
"I don't want to hurt you." He knew the protest was weak as Shepard's other hand came to hook fingers his the straps on his belt, tugging relentlessly.
"Maybe you should have thought of that before you shot me." The words were light as Shepard moved closer, still Kaidan couldn't help but flinch, closing his eyes in shame. "But seeing as it gets us here," Shepard nudged his nose against Kaidan's, "maybe you should do it more often." The hand on his shirt slid back up to his neck, fingers teasing against the scar just above his hairline. "Now get your ass in this bed."
This time Shepard was the one to retreat, but now Kaidan followed him. The hand that had been hooked into his belt came back up to tangle with his fingers as Shepard shifted back, edging sideways so Kaidan had more room to maneuver onto the hard mattress without bumping into Shepard's injury. He moved slowly, hesitant to touch, afraid he'd hurt. The hand captured in Shepard's came to rest over his bare collarbone. Kaidan couldn't help but melt into the heat of the man next to him, cheek tingling, their biotics reacted to one another's as he tucked his head under the man's jaw. Shepard's free arm relaxed across the middle of Kaidan's back, tracing softly across the clothed surface.
There was silence as Kaidan lost himself in his thoughts. Less than 24 hours ago, he had almost killed Shepard. Now they were lying here wrapped around each other as if they had always done this, as if this was a regular thing.
His fingers twitched against Shepard's chest at the thought. The thing was, this wasn't regular. He wanted this to be regular, he wanted to be close to this man, but Alliance regs wouldn't allow them what he wanted. The thought stung, but he would take anything he could get, if it meant being able to serve on the Normandy under Shepard's command, as just another friend, just another soldier.
"They're never going to allow this." His voice seemed loud in the quiet room. Shepard's fingers tightened around his, pulling them up to press his lips against the inside of Kaidan's wrist. The sentinel let out a shuddering sigh, his eyes falling shut at the feeling.
"As if Alliance rules have stopped me before." Shepard's breath ghosted across Kaidan's pulse, his tone almost mocking. "We stole the Normandy once, remember?"
Kaidan propped himself up on his elbow, his brow furrowing in annoyance, his other hand falling back to the man's chest. "Shepard, I'm serious here." The man met his gaze, amusement melting from his features, replaced with earnest compassion. His hand still resting in between Kaidan's shoulders moved to thread through his hair, pulling him down for a chaste kiss.
"I want you with me, Kaidan. I don't know if I can do this without you. And I need you to even begin to believe I can win this," he breathed against Kaidan's lips.
"Then I'm with you, just, does that mean we can't...?" He trailed off, hesitant to even voice the horrific notion. Shepard pressed his forehead against his, breath unsteady.
"Kaidan, we'll make it work. We'll keep it under wraps if we have to. But," he brought his other hand up to brush his thumb across Kaidan's cheek, "I want this to work." Kaidan found his lips pulling up into an honest smile, the first one in quite a long time.
"Good to know," he said with a huff of laughter as he slid back down, pressing his nose into the junction between Shepard's jaw and neck, pulling a small shiver from the man. Their breathing fell in sync as they reveled in each other's amplified warmth, fingers drawing random patterns across exposed skin.
The hiss of the door sliding open was loud and Kaidan flinched away from Shepard. He rolled over, controlling his fall off the edge of the bed and landed on his feet facing the door. His effort at nonchalance was ruined by the flush creeping up his neck and the wicked smile Dr. Michel shot him from her position by the door.
He opened his mouth, not sure yet what he was going to say, but Michel beat him to it. "I'm glad you made it back Major, but we need to run some final tests before he can be released." She raised an eyebrow, planting her hands on her hips. "I trust you were mindful of his injuries?" Kaidan closed his eyes, mortified.
Shepard let out a relaxed laugh. "Hell doc, it was more painful trying to get him on the bed." Michel tilted her head to give Shepard a look of amused scorn before turning her attention back to Kaidan.
"You have something to keep you occupied until he is released, no doubt?"
Kaidan nodded, thoughts shifting out of the euphoria of the moment and back to focus on the report the council required.
"I'll see you soon?" Shepard's voice was calm as he looked at Kaidan, blue eyes bright with affection. Kaidan grinned back at Shepard causing the mans face to break into a gleeful smile. It was a look Kaidan realized he would have to get used to if they kept this up, which he was not at all opposed to. Making his way out of the room Kaidan had to remind himself to focus on the task at hand. He'd see Shepard soon enough.
His meeting with the council was rather uneventful, all things considered. Both councilors expressed their relief over the news that Shepard would make a full recovery. Tevos updated him on the information they had started gathering on Udina's Cerberus dealings, confirming that Shepard had been correct in going after him in the first place. Kaidan notified them of his new station aboard the Normandy and both Sparatus and Tevos gave their consent, wishing him luck.
After they dismissed him, Kaidan found himself wandering aimlessly around the presidium, waiting for word from Shepard. He tried to distract himself, browsing through the upgrades available at the Elkoss Combine terminal but soon found himself drawn to Kanala Exports, the advertisements of brightly colored fish flashing cheerfully across the display. He was debating on whether to purchase Koi or Skald fish, having decided against the Snapping Eel, fearing the Khar'shan species would lay waste to Shepard's already fragile attempts at keeping his fish alive according to Joker, when an arm fell across his shoulders, pulling him into a solid chest.
"Here to buy me a get well present?" Shepard's voice was bright and teasing as his fingers trailed along the edge of Kaidan's collar. "You're a little late." Kaidan leaned back against the firm body, reveling in the warmth of the man. He only allowed himself a moment of the exquisite closeness before he stepped forward out of Shepard's arms and turned to face him.
"What was that about keeping this under wraps?" he asked with a wry smile. Shepard's arm fell to his side and a look of hurt flashed across his features before it was replaced with a slightly forced smile.
Kaidan felt a small surge of guilt and caught Shepard's wrist as he moved back, keeping him from closing off completely. "That doesn't mean this isn't happening, Shep." Unsure blue eyes raised to meet his and Kaidan decided to take pity; leaning in, he planted a kiss on the tip of Shepard's nose, making his face scrunch up in mocking protest, a the smile much more genuine.
Kaidan secured his purchase of fish, setting the delivery to the Normandy, laughing at the boyish excitement that lit Shepard's face. They moved on, making their way slowly across the Presidium, sticking closer to each other than they would have before. They stopped at the cafe for a drink, Shepard teasing him over his want for an actual beer. Playful looks, flirty words and small touches, had Kaidan's mind racing.
Shepard was all heat, every graze of their skin, every bat of his long, dark lashes. Even the rumble in his voice had a spark to it, one unlike anything Kaidan had heard there before. This man, so familiar, and now Kaidan was seeing a completely different side to him, a side he'd never revealed in all their time on the SR-1. A side he desperately wanted to know.
But there was something about it that bothered him, and when Shepard took his hand, looked him straight in the eye with a questioning brow, he knew it showed. With a sigh he broke their gaze, focusing on Shepard's thumb as it stroked along his knuckles. Taking a deep breath, he brought his eyes back up. "Why now, Shepard?" His voice was almost drowned out by the noise around them, making Shepard lean closer.
"Because brushes with death tend to make you... reevaluate things." He paused, tilting his head and quirking a grin. " And now, now I know for sure you feel the same."
Kaidan huffed out a laugh, fingers tightening around Shepard's. "Fair enough, John." But it didn't do much to calm his frenzied thoughts. They finished their drinks in silence, fingers still tangled together, bickering good naturedly over the check when in came. Ultimately Shepard won.
They looped through the courtyard and down the stairs, stopping briefly to inspect the wares of both the Kassa Fabrication and Nos Astra terminals. The inferno armor caught Shepard's eye, and after only a moment of consideration he was having it sent to the Normandy.
They were making their way up the stairs to the C-Sec office, discussing the potential of the Scorpion pistol that had grabbed Kaidan's attention at the Aegohr Munitions shop, when a voice called out.
"Commander Shepard, do you have a minute?" They both turned to see a woman, shorter than both of them, deactivating her omni-tool and turning to face them. Her green eyes were sharp as she appraised them both. Kaidan bit back a smile at the torn look on Shepard's face, his desire to continue with their impromptu date warring with his constant want to help others in need. Nudging him with his elbow, he tilted his head towards the woman, granting permission; the man gave him a small smile before turning back to the woman, all business, and Kaidan let the smile spread across his face. It was just like old times.
"How can I help?"
"Jordan Noles, E-Crimes," the woman introduced herself, reaching out a hand to shake Shepard's. "It's an honor to meet you, Commander." Her gaze shifted to Kaidan's and she gave him a nod. More than he expected standing next to the great Commander Shepard. He nodded back and she turned her attention back to Shepard. "I've got a saboteur hacking key systems," she informed them, shaking her head, face grim. "Power, communications... it's bad." She brought up a display on her omni-tool, shifting it so they could both see. "If you've got time to help, check out this console."
Kaidan leaned forward, eyes narrowing at the numbers scrolling across the screen. "Looks like a collection of access codes," he murmured after a moment and felt Shepard nod next to him. Looking up, he saw Noles nodding in agreement as well.
"They're batarian diplomatic codes... from back when they had an embassy on the Citadel." Kaidan could see Shepard's shoulders tighten almost imperceptibly and shifted his weight so he was closer to the man. "If you can use your Spectre access to find them, I can shut them down." Her green eyes shifted to meet Kaidan's so he knew the request included him as well.
"Restricted intel we can access at the Spectre office," he told her, seeing Shepard's shoulders relax at his words. "If we find anything, we'll let you know."
"I appreciate it, gentlemen." She gave him a small smile before turning back to her omni-tool, leaving them to their task.
Kaidan rested a hand on Shepard's back, guiding him past the apartments. They took the elevator to the Embassy in silence, Kaidan's fingers tracing random patterns into the vanguard's soft hoodie.
The Embassy was still a chaotic mess, nearly the same as when Kaidan had left to see Shepard that morning. They avoided the crowds easily enough, only pausing once for Shepard to relay information to an asari Commando on reaper code fragments that she could obtain from the Normandy.
The silence that washed over them as they stepped into the Spectre office had Kaidan breathing a small sigh of relief. He watched Shepard make his way over to the data console and begin to punch in commands. He couldn't help but marvel at the sight, the muscles rippling beneath the loose hoodie with each movement, the perfectly sculpted ass that had been such a distraction for so long. And now it was... his? It was probably too early to think things like that, but damn if he didn't want it to be.
He stepped up behind Shepard, pressed his chest to that magnificent back, slipped an arm around the man's waist, careful not to disturb the bandages. Shepard relaxed back against him even as his hands continued to move over the console.
"We've got work to do, you know." Kaidan could hear the smile in his voice. He hooked his chin over his shoulder, looking down at the data on the screen.
"It's gonna take a little time to compile, don't you think?" He pressed his lips to Shepard's jaw, reveling in the shudder it caused. The vanguard turned, giving him a wicked smile as he leaned back against the railing, fingers snagging in Kaidan's shirt, pulling him forward.
"I guess we're lucky there are no cameras in here," Shepard hummed, a hand sliding around Kaidan's shoulders, bringing him closer so he was standing between his legs, pressed against the delicious warmth. Kaidan leaned forward with a grin, mindful not to hit the bandages and brushed his lips against Shepard's. The man let out an indignant huff, the arm around his shoulders tensing and drawing him closer, the mouth under his opening with a soft moan. Kaidan's hands came up to cradle Shepard's face, bringing his tongue out to swipe at the man's bottom lip. Shepard's hand buried in Kaidan's hair, fingers digging delicious points of pressure into his scalp, drawing a gasp from him, and after a moment Kaidan became aware that both of Shepard's hands were shaking slightly.
It almost felt like, if he kissed too hard, Shepard would shatter or disappear, but he wanted to show the man he was here, and he wasn't going anywhere. Kaidan tilted his head back away from Shepard's as the man followed, a broken noise catching in his throat. The fingers in his hair curled, the arm around his waist tensing, attempting to pull him closer. Kaidan let out a strangled laugh. "Hey-hey, I don't want to hurt you," he gasped against Shepard's lips, barely restraining himself from thrusting his hips forward.
In a move that had Kaidan's head spinning, not just from lack of oxygen, Shepard reversed their positions, his body a hard line against Kaidan's front, the railing now digging into his lower back. "I'm not made of glass, Kaidan," Shepard growled, making an effort to get as close as physically possible to the sentinel, their hips grinding together and heat spreading across Kaidan's body, a flush creeping down his neck as he gasped for air. His hands instinctively moved to Shepard's ass, fingers hooking in his back pockets to pull him closer for more of that delicious pressure.
A series of pings brought them both harshly back to reality. Shepard let his head fall to Kaidan's shoulder with a quiet curse, making him laugh softly. "Got a job to do, Commander," he said after a long moment. The man pulled away with a groan, hand coming down to adjust the obviously uncomfortable predicament in his pants, and Kaidan shifted to the side as he moved to the console, activating his omni-tool to transfer the collected data. Kaidan took several slow breaths, pressing his hands to his face briefly to try and ease the burning in his cheeks. Shepard finished with the data and turned to give him one last kiss. A promise. Later. They had a job to do now.
The first terminals were easy enough to shut down with the help of Noles. The information the C-Sec officer gathered from them had Kaidan in a seething rage by the time they got to the last one. The refugee deck was loud and crowded. As they made their way to the final terminal, Kaidan caught sight of the Lieutenant from Shepard's crew playing cards with several refugees as they neared the back corner of the docking bay.
Kaidan brought up the display, as Shepard watched, and commed Noles. "This is where the last access code was used." There was a hiss of static in both their comms that made Kaidan flinch.
"What was that? I'm losing your signal."
The sound of a pistol expanding made them both freeze. Facing the console, there was no way to know where the gun was pointed, who was pointing it. They had no advantage, all they could do was wait.
"Shepard."
Kaidan's stomach dropped. He knew that voice. It was an old memory, one that had started to fade, and he couldn't quite place it, but it left him feeling sick.
"Balak." Shepard's voice was filled with rage as a sound came from behind them, the batarian nearly responsible for the decimation of Terra Nova moving closer.
"You should have killed me on that asteroid over Terra Nova. I've been waiting for this." Balak's voice was filled with rage. "Everything that has happened to my people is your fault and you just don't stay dead, guess I'll have to make sure you do this time."
There's not going to be a 'this time.' Blue flared around Kaidan's fists as he turned, hitting the batarian with a lift. The gun clattered to the ground, having fallen from the Balak's now lax fingers. Kaidan saw Shepard move forward to grab the gun out of the corner of his eye, but he kept his attention on Balak, watching him struggle against the dark energy encompassing him. That's when he noticed them.
Yellow markings. The same as the batarian that had nearly crashed into Lieutenant Vega in the hospital.
"Enough, Kaidan, put him down."
Kaidan gritted his teeth and shook his head, causing Shepard to grab his wrist, fingers tight, blue waves flickering up his arm as his biotics reacted to the sentinel's.
"Shepard, he was there. In the hospital, when you crashed." Kaidan's voice was shaking, but he was putting more effort into trying to keep himself from crushing the bastard to death then keeping his voice steady. "He killed you, Shepard." His voice cracked painfully and Shepard tugged softly at his wrist, making him meet his eyes. The man's expression spoke volumes, a mix between The Commander and something gentler, something Kaidan hadn't seen much of but could certainly get used to. Something that said "trust me."
Kaidan took a deep breath, and deactivated his biotics. Unprepared for the sudden increase of gravity, Balak crashed to the floor on his back. Shepard stepped forward, pistol trained on the batarian as he looked up with a nasty grin.
"Looks like you still have one of your pets with you, after all these years."
"You poisoned me for Terra Nova, after all this time?" Shepard spoke over him, voice calm, but Kaidan could see his hand clenching into a fist at his side. He walked up to stand beside him, glaring down at the batarian.
"After you ruined my plans, my government accelerated research efforts on the Leviathan of Dis! Have you heard of it, Commander?" Balak snarled, his eyes narrowed, continuing before Shepard could reply. "An ancient organic dreadnaught my people recovered from Jartar 20 years ago. Sound familiar?"
"A Reaper," Shepard breathed, his eyebrows drawn together in saddened understanding. "Your people were studying a reaper corpse."
Balak nodded. "Yes, looking for a way to reclaim our place as the true power of the galaxy." Kaidan held back a shudder at the thought. "Hundreds of our best scientists were enlisted..."
"And then they became indoctrinated."
Balak's expression had shifted from hate to a profound sadness still kindled with the rage of revenge. "When the Reapers reached Khar'shan our people betrayed us. Defence grids were deactivated. Ships fired on allied targets. We were destroyed from within... because of you."
Kaidan watched guilt flicker across Shepard's face before it was shoved aside. "I didn't destroy your people, Balak. The Reapers did that."
The batarian scoffed. "We were a proud race, a beautiful race! Have you seen what the Reapers have done to us?" He threw out an arm, gesturing at the area behind them, taking in the entire refugee camp, his voice building with desperation. "Our warships only know the locations of Reaper forces because I've tapped Council transmissions. I am the highest ranking military officer left in the Hegemony!" Balak paused to take a breath, his voice full of renewed anger when he continued. "I can't save my people. But I saw an opportunity to avenge the ones you murdered so I took it."
"Maybe you should have thought of a better strategy than attempting to poison me in a hospital, Balak," Shepard snapped before taking a calming breath. "Though I have to ask, with all the doctors around, how did you do it?"
Balak let out a harsh laugh, "When trying to save someone's life the doctors apparently only check to make sure they grabbed medigel for the right species, they don't seem to care if anything's been done to it."
Shepard narrowed his eyes, but didn't question any further. There was silence for a moment as the men glared at each other. Finally, he seemed to reach a decision. "The people in the Bahak system would have died anyway when the Reapers showed up, even if I had been able to warn them. You know that." Shepard handed the gun to Kaidan and stepped forward, crouching down so he was at eye level with Balak. "I've united the Krogan and the Turians. All of us together are the best hope for this galaxy and if you care about your people..." He trailed off, letting Balak come up with his own nightmare of what could happen if he refused the offer. After several tense moments, the batarian gave a small nod. Shepard stood, and they both watched as Balak pulled himself to his feet.
"Our ships are yours," he snarled, giving them one last glare before turning and storming off, nearly colliding with Noles as she came rushing up.
"Are you two alright?" she asked, her expression worried. Kaidan opened his mouth to reply but Shepard beat him to it.
"We're fine. You won't have any more troubles with that code."
Realization dawned in green eyes and Noles glanced behind her at Balak's retreating back. "Was that... Do you want me to arrest him?"
Kaidan wanted her to do many things but settled for the simplest. "I want you to put a bullet in his head,-"
A hand rested on the small of his back and Shepard interrupted him, voice tight. "But we're all making some sacrifices today. Let him go, Spectre authority."
Noles glanced between the two of them, before nodding and turning to leave. "Understood, and thanks."
They watched her walk off in silence. Shepard's arm slid around Kaidan's waist and he turned to look at the man, raising a questioning eyebrow.
"Well, I think I've had enough of Citadel politics for a while," Shepard murmured and Kaidan felt a laugh escape him. "What?"
"Sometimes I wonder how you do it. I mean, Shepard, he tried to kill you yesterday, and you just talked him into helping us." He shook his head in wonder. "I would have killed him."
"Enough batarians have died because of this war." Shepard's voice was quiet, filled with a dark emotion Kaidan didn't like. "Because of me."
He turned toward Shepard, catching the poorly hidden sadness present in those cerulean eyes, and pulled him into a hug, a hand guiding Shepard's head to his shoulder, giving him a few moments to hide from his responsibilities. He felt a shaking breath pulse across his neck and closed his eyes, pulling the man closer.
A not so subtle cough had Kaidan turning his head. Vega stood a ways away, thick arms crossed over a broad chest, face serious. Shepard attempted to pull back but Kaidan didn't let him go, he settled with looking over Kaidan's shoulder and shooting the marine a wry grin.
"I don't even know what to think about you two, Loco," Vega said after a long moment, the lightness of his voice belying the serious expression on his face.
Shepard snorted into Kaidan's shoulder, fingers tightening against his side. "You trusted me this far James, don't lose faith in me now."
Vega let out a short laugh, hands falling to his side, "You're nuts, I mean, I should've seen this coming." He shook his head, a grin on his face. "Don't worry Loco, I got your back, just maybe not as well as him."
Shepard let out a loud laugh, "Get back to your poker game James, better start earning those credits back."
"Hey! I'm not that bad, pendejo," Vega protested, turning around to return to his game.
They both watched him for a moment, silently, before Kaidan heard a sigh escape Shepard. He turned his head, pressing his nose against the vanguard's temple. "Let's get out of here Shep, get your mind off things."
"I like how you think, Kaidan."
