Chapter 3
Denial.
In the denial stage, we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re-enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one.
'I told them, and myself, that I was fine. Fine! Just fine. Can we please not talk about it anymore?
However, here is the thing I have discovered: I might have buried this story, but it was not dead. It was still alive, and it grew in that deep place I put it. Like a vine from some mutant seed, all twisted and ugly.
In addition, as it grew, it strangled a lot of other stuff in me that should have been growing. It killed my trust, my confidence. It almost killed my sense of who I was. Though I have overcome this once'
"Jennifer I need you to tell me as much as you can and can remember about what happened to you 16years ago" JJ sighed but she had agreed to this so here is was in the room of one Dr Scott victim and rape counsellor
"I remember everything that happened that night" JJ said as she looked down at her hands; she had been coming here twice a week while Emily would wait in the waiting room for her, she had explained why she was here but now the Dr wanted her to speak it and with that she knew it meant reliving it.
"I use to hang around with the girls that I played soccer with" she frowned slightly "we went camping kind of our last adventure as a group" she paused slightly "She was also my girlfriend, her name was Carly" JJ said in a choked up sob.
"There were always rumours around town, you see ten years before a group of girls went missing, and they still, well they hadn't found them, but they have now" JJ rambled slightly
"We set our camp site up near the old farm house" she glanced up at Dr Scott as she tried to gather her thoughts.
"It was a good evening we joked laughed by the small camp fire we had set up" she swallowed hard as she tried to keep her emotions at bay "a few hours later we were approached by" she shook her head trying to not show her fear
"He was from the town over he spoke to us told us to be safe, and then he left or so we thought" JJ sighed
"We went to bed in our tents a few hours later, I was woken up by someone's hands around my neck" JJ wiped her eyes stopping the tears from falling "He restrained me tied my legs and hands so I was only able to kneel or lay down, before dragging me out side"
"He lined us all up outside the tent" she swallowed "the boys that were with us, got knocked out as me and Carly were placed in the back of his pickup.
"We were taken to what I can only describe as a barn, he tied" she let out a dry chuckle as she tried to keep her emotions at bay "well to what I can only say was a board but more like a circle as he was able to get to front and back"
"He whipped us both" she ducked her head down "if it wasn't the whip if was his fists, he told us how unclean we were, and how he was going to cure us" JJ half sobbed from the memory
"He, he" she swallowed hard as she closed her eyes. "he raped us both" she turned away in shame "I still don't understand why it happened or why after he in his words 'cured us', he dumped us both outside the hospital" JJ let out a have laugh "You know if he hadn't had done that he wouldn't have been caught"
JJ sighed "But now I know why and that he didn't act alone"
'I hope this will explain my thousand-yard stare that I seem to have now, I hope it explains all those times I vanished into myself. Can you forgive me?
This time, though, I did not feel nervous or sick. I felt detached from my body, observing myself. I felt like I was watching a character in a cop thriller, a confident woman who knew what she was doing. Before, she was killed.
Fear protects us from threats. However, fear is such a powerful, primal response; it appears even when no dark cave is at hand.
I tried to bury my fear, but denying it did not make me fearless. I had to unearth it, and understand it, to change things. In here I am safe to say everything I could never say at home or work'
The door to the room opened and JJ finally emerged as she walked over to Emily; Emily knew the routine, JJ would come out the doors not say a word, take her hand and lead her straight to the car, which Emily would allow. However, today was different.
JJ stopped as they reached the car, turning to face Emily as she looked into loving caring soulful eyes, she couldn't help the small smile "I love you so much Em" JJ whispered softly as Emily held sorrowful eyes in hers.
The life and light was slowly coming back into those swirling blue eyes, but Emily knew she had not just what happened at the beginning of the month but what happened those 16years ago. Emily had been, slightly taken aback when JJ had informed her that she never got help when she was raped. However, this time she asked for it, she wanted the help she needed it.
"Can we go and get the twins and go for a walk to the park Em?" JJ asked softly "Of course we can" JJ smiled softly "Can we feed the ducks" Emily couldn't help but chuckle "You can even feed the fish if you want" JJ rolled her eyes playfully as she slapped Emily's arm.
They made the short trip back to their home "Are you waiting here?" Emily asked as she went to get out the car. JJ glared at her slightly "I think I gave you the wrong idea Emily," JJ said with a pointed look "I meant we are walking to the park and leaving the car at home"
Emily rolled her eyes playfully as she replied, "Well my love you have to tell me these things so I do not assume" she stuck her tongue out as they both heading inside with JJ calling behind her "You are a brat Emily Prentiss" Emily laughed "And yet you still love me"
"Pretty sure of yourself there aren't you!" JJ teased "Pretty much yes" Emily said with a slight smirk. They got both babies settled in to the double buggy as Emily's eyes softened as they lingered on Andrew "He will be fine Emily and no matter what happens we will manage okay" JJ said as they both looked at him.
They made their way slowly around the park as Emily try to broach the subject with her wife "How did it go today sweetie?" JJ stopped mid-step with the buggy as she looked at Emily.
"Not great but not too bad" JJ paused for a moment "She does think I may not be in denial anymore though" she mused with a sad smile "Jen I so proud of you, you do know that right?" Emily said softly "You have said that a few times baby" she smirked as she looked down at Jane who was staring at her.
"Em, right now I am just so grateful, for you our children and that is all I can manage, it's like re-living it all over again," JJ admitted as she smiled at her daughter "Jen, is it helping any?" JJ looked into soft brown eyes as she spoke "It is, and looking at it I wish I had dealt with some of it back then" she let a half smile ghost her lips, before they carried on along the pond.
